Last year, when I was in Year 12, i had to write a piece that had anything at all to do with television. I chose to write a very short, 5-10-minute "Seinfeld"-style sitcom... Of course I had to change the nmaes and such but I was quite proud of it. I even entitled it "The Bed" to keep with our famous "The ..." tradition. Anyway, here it is... Tell me what you think!
ENGLISH ďTELEVISIONĒ PIECE
By Daniel Ayers
Purpose: I am writing this piece entitled ďThe BedĒ in the form of a short television sitcom (loosely based around the hit sitcom ďSeinfeldĒ). I do so because I am a big fan of comedy and I have wanted to have a serious crack at writing a sitcom for quite some time. This is the perfect opportunity for me to show off my (lack of) comedic skills, and to bask in the glory of what television has given us: the always-entertaining sitcom.
Audience: This piece was mainly written for all lovers of sitcoms who just want to laugh at the everyday, mundane things that are sometimes not even funny! I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I did writing it.
Characters: Karl, Jason, Julia, Richard, Pamela (Jasonís mother), Murray (Juliaís boyfriend)
[Karl relaxing in his apartment, watching TV, Jason enters, looking flustered]
Karl: Hey, baldy!
Jason: Shut up, you know I have no control over my physical or otherwise appearance!
Karl: Thereís no such thing as an otherwise appearance! Your appearance is nothing but physical!
[Julia enters, with her usual ear-to-ear grin]
Jason: Hey, Julia, is there such a thing as a non-physical appearance?
Julia: No, thatís like saying your feelings are physical!
Karl (yells): I told ya!
Jason: Yeah, yeah. Arenít you gunna ask why Iím out of breath and nervous?
Karl: But youíre always out of breath and nervous. You lose your breath and get nervous just from watching Entertainment Tonight!
Jason: Just ask me.
Karl: Why are you out of breath and nervous, Jas?
Jason: Well, maybe Iím just nervous because my mother is gunna be sleeping in my bed with me for the next three weeks.
Jason: My motherís bed got stolen, so she has to sleep with me.
Karl: Who steals a bed? And more importantly, how?
Jason: Thatís not the point! The point is I canít have sex for three weeks, at least!
Karl: So what? You survived the first 35 years of your life without sex, whatís three weeks gunna do?
Jason: Iíll have you know that Iím currently sleeping with an attractive young woman, and she doesnít care that Iím bald and that I donít have a job.
Karl (smirks): Yeah, thatís what mothers tend to do!
Julia: Looks like old Jas has reached new heights!
Jason: Very funny. Iíll tell you now, Karl, that this woman is far better than any girl youíve ever slept with.
Karl: Well I donít sleep with my mother, either. Whatís her name?
Julia (laughs): Cleopatra?
Karl: Youíre dating an Egyptian Queen?
[Richard enters in his usual, barging manner]
Richard: Hello boys and girl.
Karl: Hey. Did you hear, Rick? Jasís motherís bed got stolen.
Richard: Bed? No, no, she doesnít want that, sheíll have no place to sleep.
Jason: Thank you for telling me, Rick! My mother has to sleep in my bed!
Richard: No, no, you donít want that, youíll have no place to sleep.
Jason: There is no other place to sleep! Lucky for me I have a double bed.
Karl: I donít think the word ďluckyĒ can ever be associated with anything to do with you, Jas.
Julia: Okay boys, time for me to head off. (Smiles) Iím gunna go have a nice long sleep in my bed - alone!
Richard: Iím off too, fellas, have a good one.
[Julia, Richard leave together]
Karl: So, why three weeks?
Jason: Thatís when the insurance companyís gunna give her a new bed.
Karl: What happens if you have to wait longer than three weeks?
Jason: Iíll fake my own death.
[In Jasonís bed]
Jason: Ma, do you have to take up all the bed like that? Thereís plenty of room for you on your own side.
Pamela: This is how I sleep!
Jason: Oh, mother of God!
Jason: Yeah. Iím sure it will be.
[Karlís apartment, the phone rings, Karl answers]
Karl: Oh, hey Jas.
Jason: Karl, I just thought of something. What am I gunna tell Cleopatra? I mean, she canít sleep with me for ages!
Karl: Tell her youíve got termites in your bed.
Jason: But then sheíll never sleep with me again!
Karl: Hmmm, good point. (Laughs) Tell her youíre going bald! (Laughs louder)
Jason: Iím gunna give you one more chance to be serious!
Karl: I was being serious! Okay, okay, just tell her you have leprosy or something. Come on, your good at making up excuses.
Jason: Yeah, I guess youíre right.
Karl: Guess? Hey, youíre capable of destroying any womanís future!
Jason: Yeah. So Iíll go with the leprosy story?
Jason: Okay, I gotta go, my mother wants a sponge bath.
Karl: Yikes. (Hangs up)
[Richard barges in]
Richard: Hey buddy-boy.
Karl: I was just on my way to the store.
Richard: What store?
Karl: AhÖ the supermarket. I need someÖ ah, fly-spray.
Richard: Bug problem?
Karl: No, itís only a small problem.
[Karl, Richard leave together]
[Julia and her new boyfriend in the local cafť]
Julia: So, what do you do to earn a dollar Ďround here, Muzza?
Murray: You know I donít like it when people call me Muzza! How would you like it if I called you ďLazzaĒ?
Julia: Ah, stop your whingeing!
Murray: Okay, okayÖ (sighs) anyway, I work for this new bed company, ďSir SleepalotĒ.
Julia: Really? My friend Jasonís motherís bed got stolen and she needs a new one. The insurance company said it would take three weeks to get her a new bed. Is that true?
Murray: Julia, let me tell you a little secret. Insurance companies can provide new items in a matter of days! Three weeks? I can get her a new bed in two days, free!
Julia: Wow! Thanks, Murray! Iíll tell Jas.
[Karl and Jason talking in Karlís apartment]
Karl: So, how did last night go?
Jason: Iím telling you, Karl, I canít keep this up for three weeks! Itís only been one night and I feel like Iíve been to hell and back already!
Karl: Ouch! So, did you tell Cleopatra about your leprosy?
Jason: Yeah. She dumped me like a sack of potatoes.
[Julia enters, excited]
Julia: Hey, Jas, guess what?
Julia: My new boyfriend, Murray, works for that bed company, ďSir SleepalotĒ. He says he can have a new bed for your mother in two days!
Jason: Two days? How much do I have to pay?
Julia: Itís free.
Jason: Free? Then how come this company is making me wait three weeks and I have to pay?
Julia: He said something about how insurance companyís can always provide new stuff in only a few days, they just donít want to.
Jason (laughs): Okay, put me down!
Julia (smiles): Alright!
Karl: You know, guys - I am here!
Julia: Oh, hey! Listen, I gotta run.
Jason: Donít forget to tell Murray!
Julia: I wonít!
[Julia leaves in a hurry]
Karl: Gee, Iím glad she came all that way just to speak to me!
[Several days later - Karl, Jason, Richard walking down the street]
Karl: So did things work out with you and your mum?
Jason: Yeah, pretty much. But Iím never gunna have sex again in my bed, no way!
Richard: Well I have sex in my motherís bed all the time. Sheís got a nice, big, double bed. Itís a smooth ride.
Karl: Where do you meet all these women, Rick?
Richard: Oh, I donít meet them, no. They meet me.
Jason: But you guys have no idea what itís like to be bald and have no job. Sleeping with a woman to me is like you surviving a plane crash!
Karl: Hey, donít be down. Look on the bright side Ė at least youíve got your own bed back again.
Jason: I need more than just my own bed back. I need an identity change.
[Karl and Richard shake their heads and laugh]