Well it is that time of the year again. Festivus is upon us and that means it is time for the airing of grievances.
I want to start with the guy sitting two seats to the left of me in the movie No Country For Old Men. Tell me sir, why in this sober and quiet movie did you feel the need to attack your popcorn with a rage that would have made Hannibal Lector ashamed? Actually if I had only one question to ask you, it would be how the hell did you manage to chew that loud anyway? I mean, I felt like I was sitting next to Bugs Bunny eating a bad of carrots. It sounded like a gravel truck over there as you ravaged your path all the way to the very bottom of the popcorn bag. And then, am I crazy, or did you spend five minutes or so loudly LICKING the bottom of that bag?
Now I would like to expand this grievance to pretty much everyone else in every movie theatre I have been in this year. Not to put too fine a point on it, but shut up people! These means you especially teenage suburban girl. No one in the theatre paid hoping that they would get to hear you cackle and giggle and flirt and answer your phone during every single movie Hollywood offers. In fact we all would pay not to hear you, and I know at least I an a few others would pay to watch you shipped off to a camp of hardened Rwandan renegades to watch them do what they will with you. Now movie theater, I appreciate you brief attempt to hand out little radio buzzers so we can summon staff to clear up disturbances, but I think we both know that once your little teenage security staff shows up there is not a whole lot they can do to hunt down interlopers. Now if that device included an infrared laser to paint the target, then I think we could really get somewhere. Especially if it simultaneously called down a military strike. You, movie theatre business, have been complaining for years about the fall in ticket sales, and you still haven't figured out the problem yet? Really?
And while we are on the subject of movies, I do have to briefly air a grievance about the Writers Strike. OK, I get that with DVD's being the big money maker now, and them not getting any part of DVD sales, it is a bummer and unfair. But is now really the time for a strike. Now, when we are in the worst movie slump in like 20 years? You guys are getting paid a STANDERD $200,000 per script for big movies. That is $200,000 to the screen writer of Dukes of Hazard. You are striking so that guy could get paid more? You are striking so that the writer of I Am Legend can get paid more? There have already been TWO movies based on that book. TWO! How hard could pounding out a third remake have been? And if Will Smith says at some point in that movie "AH HELL NO!" then I swear to God......
What I'm saying is that I dare anyone to tell the difference in quality in movies and TV with these so called writers striking. Oh no, no more Bee Movies? No more Saw 4? How will we live?
Now the grievances are aired, let the feats of strength begin!