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J. Chiles







PostPosted: November 21, 2005 4:23 PM 

Let’s face the facts. Ann Landers sucks! And, in these troubling, uncertain times, who is left to which one can turn? Who can make sense of it all? Huh? Hmmm? Ohhhh...these are difficult questions for any man. But just as the answer would seem to be that little man/woman/whatevah inside of you, another contender appears. One Jackie Chiles, Esquire. Ludicrous? Yes. Lugubrious? Certainly. Loquacious? OK, sure, but get on with it, right?

Without further ado (or adon’t) I hereby declare this the “Thread of Ask Jackie”. Keep in mind, though, that Jackie’s got many Kofus to visit and many Sidras to bed. Pahaps I crawl out from my undahdesk nap once a day to pondah responses. Those hoping five, ten minute…I don’t think so. OTOH, if this proves to be... vooot ... way out there, I'll graciously take my leave.

Mookie
The Wiz

Posts: 945

Reply: 1



PostPosted: November 21, 2005 5:12 PM 

Can an orphan eat at a family resaurant?

J. Chiles


Posts: 5078

Reply: 2



PostPosted: November 21, 2005 8:10 PM 

Can an orphan eat at a family resaurant?

The answer to this question depends largely upon one's present geographic location within the U.S. (I don't do Canadian questions - I can't even figure out in which favourite words to put the silly extra "u's".). Anyway, in the Ozarks, Appalachia, and certain parts of the Deep South, the rules on this are more liberal, as the exact definition of familial lineage can become rather blurred. Suffice it to say, in most cases, the answer is "NO", unless you restrict yourself to the Bastard's Bar-B-Que Buffet. But, you can take solace in the fact that if the manager takes umbrage at your complaint, he won't be able to say, "Leave the premises you inbred "mo-foer" you!

Jimmy
Pensky Material

Posts: 4301

Reply: 3



PostPosted: November 22, 2005 8:07 AM 

I hate people who don't listen. If you tell them you're allergic to their dog, they tell people you hate dogs. If you tell them you're not sending out Christmas cards, they tell others that you hate Christmas. Stories, jokes, directions, instructions... they can't get anything right!

Should I calmly and politely correct these people, knowing it'll just fly over their heads once again...or just continue calling them "stupid f**king morons" in my usual manner?

Pissed and Confused
Detroit, MI

Denim Vest
Cockeyed Optimist

Posts: 577

Reply: 4



PostPosted: November 22, 2005 9:02 AM 

How do you make those radish roses?

Yev Kassem
Wigmaster

Posts: 896

Reply: 5



PostPosted: November 22, 2005 9:28 AM 

While sleeping (not really sleeping) with ones wife/girlfriend, is it "morally" wrong to fantasize that she is someone else?

For instance, that really hot Chinese girl from the train... Rolling Eyes

J. Chiles


Posts: 5078

Reply: 6



PostPosted: November 22, 2005 11:31 AM 

I hate people who don't listen. If you tell them you're allergic to their dog, they tell people you hate dogs. If you tell them you're not sending out Christmas cards, they tell others that you hate Christmas. Stories, jokes, directions, instructions... they can't get anything right!
Should I calmly and politely correct these people, knowing it'll just fly over their heads once again...or just continue calling them "stupid f**king morons" in my usual manner?
Pissed and Confused
Detroit, MI

What was that you said? Sorry, I wasn’t listening. Oh yes, well, I can sense the slightest human suffering and yours is an obvious plea for help. You love everyone, period, but are afraid of appearing gay if you allow this admission. You pine for allergies (especially to pine, which is good wood) and you ardently admire the greeting card industry. You are your first paragraph. Can’t you see that? In summary, I’d depart from your usual manner and frantically, abusively call folks “slick”, tell them how much you love them, and propose to all your old girlfriends (if ya got 'em). Yeah, that oughta work well with the dentites in Detroit. Not to mention the Blacks and Jews (or just Blacks as the case may be).

J. Chiles


Posts: 5078

Reply: 7



PostPosted: November 22, 2005 11:33 AM 

How do you make those radish roses?

Simple. Grab it in your left hand and slap the end briskly and repeatedly with your right hand. No wait, sorry, that’s a phallic rose. Radishes? Talk about your vile weed. I’ll ask a question of my own. How did something nasty, like a radish, get all tied up with something so beautiful, like a rose? Tell you what. Grab a radish, gnaw yourself off a wad (or, better yet, palm (there I go with the phallic thoughts again) this duty off on a “friend”), macerate, taste it to forever prove you’d never eat another, then spit the resulting mash back onto the stump. Replace on the garnish plate and label as Radish Gardenias. For added zest, prepare while bathing.

J. Chiles


Posts: 5078

Reply: 8



PostPosted: November 22, 2005 11:38 AM 

While sleeping (not really sleeping) with ones wife/girlfriend, is it "morally" wrong to fantasize that she is someone else?

How did the idea of morality get all tied up with that, when there is nothing really moral about that? But, I digress. Actually, provided you can remember the name of both the participant and the fantasizee, I detect no discernible problem. If this is a common practice, however, I’d get in the habit of yelling out, “Oh You!,” as a matter of course during the ultimate throes of passion, lest the wrong moniker slip out at a most inopportune moment and you are left in a situation of twin bed “sleeping” arrangements. Should this occur, however, you might inquire further about phallic rose instruction (see above).

For instance, that really hot Chinese girl from the train...

From or under?

Jimmy
Pensky Material

Posts: 4301

Reply: 9



PostPosted: November 22, 2005 5:52 PM 

Well, I don't know about anyone else, but I'm gonna check back with Ann Landers. Rolling Eyes

J. Chiles


Posts: 5078

Reply: 10



PostPosted: November 22, 2005 6:55 PM 

No problem. Ya gets what ya pay for there, too! Rolling Eyes

Mookie
The Wiz

Posts: 945

Reply: 11



PostPosted: November 22, 2005 7:28 PM 

Dear Jackie,

Is Mutual Orgasm an insurance company in Iowa?

Thanks,

Mookie (I had the hit in game 6) Wilson

Yev Kassem
Wigmaster

Posts: 896

Reply: 12



PostPosted: November 23, 2005 10:33 AM 

Dear Jackie,
My friend went on vacation and asked me to watch her cat. Now, I forget to feed it for a few days......

Do I have to buy her a brand new cat to replace an old dying cat?

Cat-Hater
New York, NY

J. Chiles


Posts: 5078

Reply: 13



PostPosted: November 23, 2005 11:55 AM 

Dear Jackie,
Is Mutual Orgasm an insurance company in Iowa?
Thanks,
Mookie (I had the hit in game 6) Wilson

First of all, the “Dear Jackie” part is wholly without necessity. Just dive right in to the question, please. Jackie does not stand on formality. In fact, such frivolities are supercilious, egregious....outrageous.

Actually, you’d be surprised at the popularity of Mutual Orgasm insurance these days – what with all the damn faking going on. Hey, a guy wants to know when he’s truly hit the mark and when the bitch be lyin’. Well worth the modest premium, I say. And, what better place for that biz than Iowa – they don’t call them folks Hawkeyes for nothin’.

As a side note, Suzie brings to my attention the imminent merger of Mutual Orgasm and venerable Multiple of Omaha. They’ll call it Multiple Mutual Orgasm Insurance. Beats Moland Springs!

J. Chiles


Posts: 5078

Reply: 14



PostPosted: November 23, 2005 12:24 PM 

My friend went on vacation and asked me to watch her cat. Now, I forget to feed it for a few days......

Do I have to buy her a brand new cat to replace an old dying cat?

Cat-Hater
New York, NY


At today's pussy prices? Surely you jest. Oh, I suppose it was easy for that rich bastard Corbin Bernsen to shrug off a cat replacement back in the care-free 90's, but these are different times, my friend.

Just tell her that you dropped by and found that someone had left the door open. Anything could have happened to that cat. It was an old cat.

Shakey Shocks
Bob Sakamano

Posts: no

Reply: 15



PostPosted: November 23, 2005 1:21 PM 

Dear Jackie,
My 350+ pound friend wants to ride in my new sports car, but I don't think she fits and may be a bit too heavy for the car. What should I do?

Signed,
Shakey Shocks, Manhasset, NY

J. Chiles


Posts: 5078

Reply: 16



PostPosted: November 23, 2005 1:46 PM 

Dear Jackie,
My 350+ pound friend wants to ride in my new sports car, but I don't think she fits and may be a bit too heavy for the car. What should I do?

Signed,
Shakey Shocks, Manhasset, NY

Lose about 2 bills yourself before excluding her. After about the first fitty, someone might notice your efforts and want to ride with you.

Susan
Cockeyed Optimist

Posts: 553

Reply: 17



PostPosted: November 23, 2005 2:44 PM 

Dear Jackie,
I was out of town one weekend and my best friend and husband slept together. What should I do? Right now I am not speaking to her and I am still with my husband. My best friend and I have mutual friends and it is very awkward for our friends when either of our names are brought up. Should I give her a second chance at a friendship? We were very close but it still hurts. Please help.

Seven
Cockeyed Optimist

Posts: 577

Reply: 18



PostPosted: November 23, 2005 3:49 PM 

Dear Jackie,

I know that the holidays are upon us and I hope all have a wonderful holiday season. However, my family doesn't celebrate a traditional Christmas. Along time ago my grandfather started this silly holiday with a pole and alot of pent up agression, that came about from a doll purchase for my father (I won't get in to that). It has affected my father in a terrible way. (Fits of rage, etc.) I want so much to break free from this horrible family tradition.

How can I do this without shutting out my family all together?

Thanks,

Seven Costanza
Queens, NY

J. Chiles


Posts: 5078

Reply: 19



PostPosted: November 23, 2005 8:43 PM 

Hmmm, as Jackie ponders questions of the day, he has a comment. Nothing like free advise to draw new posters (ahem, new names) out of the woodwork. Wink

And, once again, and for all, it's ASK JACKIE, not Dear Jackie. No "Dear Jackie" required, nor wanted. Just jump right into the question, please.

Mookie
The Wiz

Posts: 945

Reply: 20



PostPosted: November 23, 2005 9:45 PM 

Dear Ask Jackie,

If the President is married to the first lady, did she see dinosaurs?

Thanks,

Mookie (I had the hit in Game 6) Wilson

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