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PostPosted: October 29, 2005 12:09 PM 

Cocktails: Stimulants or Play Toys?

Why do people drink alcohol? To feel good? To unwind? To overcome shyness? To become so falling-down, trashed out of their minds everyday that their utilities are eventually shut off? Well, I'd say most of those are valid reasons to have a belt now and then.

However, there are those who are more interested in "playtime" with their drinks than they are with simply enjoying the stimulating effects as was originally intended. I've long fantasized about having my own bar-stool-attached fire hose ready to spray these idiots right through a wall! These trendy, obnoxious, ritualistic f**ks need to suffer!

Quit ordering drinks that take twenty minutes to sculpt with different colored layers of booze floating upon one another, so you can light them on fire and down them while snorting the flames up your nose through a neon pipe while others loudly chant ceremonial nonsense at you! Quit licking salt off your hands, deep-throating funnels, smashing limes in your mouth, and slamming glasses down hard! Tell you what... you slam one more glass down on the bar, and I'm going to slam a whiskey bottle over your f**king skull! Drink your damn drink and quit being an asshole!

You like salt around the rim of your glass? How about just laying face down on the beach and taking in a massive gulp at high tide? Can someone please explain to me how a tiny bit of salt around the rim of a glass can instantly transform the entire contents of a 20 oz. Jumbo Margarita into pure ocean water even after wiping it all off? Does one grain of salt fall into the drink and expand like cyanide absorbing every other ingredient in it's path? "Waitress, could you please dip my next glass in dog shit so I can at least taste the f**king Margarita and not dehydrate and die like some shipwreck victim?" If one simply says " I'll have a Margarita," shouldn't the glass be "non-salted" by default? Shouldn't the abnormal, and disgusting salted glass be a special request? Do these places also serve cockroaches on pizza unless one requests it without cockroaches?"

And the next time someone sits back in the "barber chair" at their favorite bar, and sees me standing nearby, they might want to protect their throat from being slashed.... accidentally.

I have no problem with little umbrellas, plastic swords, flowers, or any other dried fruit. Perhaps it's because I'm good friends with their inventor, Joseph Garnish. Overall, I think cocktail aesthetics are a good thing. A green stalk of celery in a red Bloody Mary is pleasing to the eye (complimentary colors). And I like the celery as a snack... wholesome, natural, chock full of vitamins. But I'm against all further cocktail grandstanding.

Isn't it bad enough that humans deliberately soak their delicate living tissue in flammable, toxic liquids? Do they have to make annoying horseplay out of it too?

I say we gather up all of the people who drink for sport, and we kill them for sport, chop off their heads, and mount them on our trophy room walls with their flaming, blinking, neon drinks shoved in their mouths!

Next Week... "Restaurant Rudeness: Ten Sure Signs of Assholism"

J. Chiles

Posts: 5078

Reply: 1

PostPosted: October 31, 2005 2:38 PM 

I prefer gutter chic....all drinking done straight out of the sack.

Pensky Material

Posts: 4301

Reply: 2

PostPosted: October 31, 2005 6:07 PM 

You must have a well toned upper body...

... or a shirt.

The Wiz

Posts: 945

Reply: 3

PostPosted: October 31, 2005 6:44 PM 

Potato salad! The Government! Laughing


Posts: 847

Reply: 4

PostPosted: November 8, 2005 8:25 PM 

you know who the real assholes are? the ones who go into the nice places with the good music and the lengthy beer menus, and they don't want to do something as uncouth as odering a budweiser or a coors light or even a miller, they want to look "cool" and "hip," they want to look like !@#$% connoisseurs, like they know what they're doing, like they have good taste, so what do they do?

they order a !@#$% heineken.

these, gentlemen, are the true assholes. the ones who just like to say, "give me a heiney," the ones who like to be seen drinking of a green bottle.

put the ridiculous green bottle down. heineken is absolutely gawdawful. it is piss, and it is only marginally worse than heineken dark, which is only marginally worse than heineken import. the dutch, they're ok at some things, but beer isn't one of them.

it's like those sprite ads. remember? image is nothing, thirst is everything? it's true, isn't it. except when it comes to beer, i'd say it's less to do with thirst than with taste. i want to throw things when i am sitting in a bar somewhere with a nice, tall, creamy glass of erdinger, or a fransizkaner, or even a hoegaarden, and then i see some jackoff sit down with a girl he's trying to impress, and he says, "yeah gimme a heiney."

same goes for all you corona-bonas, too. rule number one: the beer you're drinking is swill if you have to add lime just to make it taste ok.

anyway. i'm going off on one. stopping now.

and you're bang-on about the coctails, jimmy.

Bad Breaker Upper

Posts: 3477

Reply: 5

PostPosted: November 9, 2005 9:11 AM 

I LIVE for Merlot.

Bad Breaker Upper

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Reply: 6

PostPosted: November 9, 2005 3:09 PM 

No, Gendison. If anybody orders merlot, I am leaving. I am NOT drinking any f**cking merlot!

Bad Breaker Upper

Posts: 3477

Reply: 7

PostPosted: November 9, 2005 7:25 PM 

Um....I don't actually like the shit. I thought it was a clever quote from a popular television show.

Pensky Material

Posts: 4301

Reply: 8

PostPosted: November 9, 2005 9:12 PM 

Look Gendison... I spilled wine on me... Laughing

Bad Breaker Upper

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Reply: 9

PostPosted: November 9, 2005 10:39 PM 

Wear more lipstick. Razz

Bad Breaker Upper

Posts: 3247

Reply: 10

PostPosted: November 9, 2005 11:15 PM 

And, Gendison, I wouldn't leave if anybody ordered merlot. I thought it was a clever quote from a popular movie.

cousin jeffrey
Pimple Popper, MD

Posts: 1841

Reply: 11

PostPosted: November 9, 2005 11:17 PM 

I'm sure it's very Bill Hoglund popular.

Bad Breaker Upper

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Reply: 12

PostPosted: November 9, 2005 11:22 PM 

A film is what it is.

Bad Breaker Upper

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Reply: 13

PostPosted: November 10, 2005 5:17 AM 

I'm sorry, I'm not familiar with that term.

J. Chiles

Posts: 5078

Reply: 14

PostPosted: November 10, 2005 12:36 PM 

Not only a film, Bookman - it was a Shemp!

Bad Breaker Upper

Posts: 3247

Reply: 15

PostPosted: November 10, 2005 12:53 PM 

Oh no, it was a Curly: Winos at Sea.

J. Chiles

Posts: 5078

Reply: 16

PostPosted: November 10, 2005 1:16 PM 

Oh, well, that is an interesting beverage choice for the Boys.

Pensky Material

Posts: 4301

Reply: 17

PostPosted: November 10, 2005 6:04 PM 

I wonder if Jimmy Buffett searches for his shaker of pepper when he eats ice cream. Confused

J. Chiles

Posts: 5078

Reply: 18

PostPosted: November 10, 2005 9:49 PM 

He ripped off an extra from the Mini Mart and, if he ever makes it rich, he'll pay 'em back.

Cockeyed Optimist

Posts: 553

Reply: 19

PostPosted: November 11, 2005 6:09 AM 

Just give me some Henningans. I'll be fine!

Le George

Posts: 4

Reply: 20

PostPosted: November 19, 2005 10:29 AM 

Where I live (south of Holland) drinking coctails is considdered... a female thing.
And we don't like Heineken either Laughing
No, just give me a big glass full of dark brown belgium abbot beer, thank you sir.

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