The Surrogate - Script
Directed by: Larry Charles
First aired: February 22, 2004
Guest Starring:
Mel Brooks (himself)
David Schwimmer (himself)
Richard Lewis (himself)
Muggsy Bogues (himself)
Wanda Sykes (Wanda)
Featuring:
Eric Alexander (car alarm offendee)
Garcelle Beauvais-Nilon (Renee)
Elizabeth Beckwith (surrogate)
Eliza Coyle (Betty Dusenberry)
Jack Gallagher (doctor)
Mark Griffin (paramedic #1)
Jack Heller (Irving Schwimmer)
Frank John Hughes (angry driver)
Thomas Jones (valet offendee)
Melissa McCarthy (saleswoman)
Masasa (nurse)
Jane Piper (receptionist))
Murray Rubin (elderly man)
Ryan Yu (paramedic #2)
Transcripted by: Scirocco (Simon Rosenberg)
Scene: Larry and Cheryl in bed watching TV. The last seconds of Seinfelds "Puffy Shirt" show are running. Larry and Cheryl both smile.
Larry David (LD): Ahh, good show.
Cheryl David (CD): Good show.
Phone rings.
LD: Ahhh, geez.
CD: Oh my God!
LD: Dont answer it! I dont wanna talk to her.
CD: Why does she have to call after every episode?
LD: I dont know Im not here.
Cheryl picks up the phone.
CD: Hello? Hi, Marilyn. Yeah, we just watched it Yeah, I know, it was one of the good ones.Hes actually hes unavailable. Hmmhmm, okay bye!
She puts away the phone.
CD (to Larry): imitates Marilyns voice. Tell him it was one of my favourite episodes. Tell him Marylin says hi!", Tell him it gets better every time I see it.
LD: Ahh, God! I cant believe this woman has to call after every single show.
CD: Does it ever end with this lady? Changes topic. What are you doing tomorrow?
LD: Im getting my physical for "The Producers".
CD: Could you do me a favour? Will you pick up a present for the Dusenberrys baby shower?
LD: Me?
CD: Youre gonna be right there, theres a toy store right
LD: You wanna trust me with something like that? A gift for a baby?
CD: Just get a doll or something.
LD: So, you wanna get me a doll for Betty?
CD: Get a doll for Betty, its her baby shower.
LD: What about the surrogate? Get her anything?
CD: I dont think you need to worry about the surrogate.
LD: I dont know about that. I think the surrogate is a person, too! Shes having the baby!
CD: The shower is for Betty.
LD: So, shes gonna opening her presents, the surrogate is gonna be standing there like an idiot and she has nothing to open? The whole things whats the surrogate etiquette?
CD: Okay, use your judgement, whatever you think. If thats what you wanna do, thats fine.
She starts stroking Larrys belly.
LD: (laughs) Hey Charly, whats going on??
CD: (laughs) What? What?
LD: Hey you know I cant do anything.
CD: Because the dog bit your penis?
LD: Yeees
CD: So, you
LD: Its not ready, Im not ready, Im sorry, Im sorry, a couple of more days.
Scene: Doctors waiting room. Larry browses through the magazines. He is evidently disappointed.
Receptionist: Mr. David?
Larry walks to the reception desk.
LD: Can I make an observation? That magazine collection you really need to do something about that. Im not complaining, Im just, just making an observation.
Receptionist: looks at him uninterested The doctors ready to see you.
LD: Okay. Just you know, just for your informationFYI kinda thing.
Receptionist: points with her finger Right that way.
LD: Okay.
He walks off-screen.
Scene: In the doctors room. Larrys on the treadmill, the doctor is checking Larrys activities. Larrys pulse is made audible by a beeping sound.
LD: What are you doing? Stealing your magazines from garbage cans? I have never seen such a collection of shit in my life.
Doc: Alright.
LD: They are all to four years old those things!
Doc: We have other things that we think about; Other than the magazines. Things like giving people medical assistance!
LD: Ladys Home Journal from 2001, People Magazine: TOM CRUISE IS 40! EMILIO ESTEVEZ IS 40! WOW, GOOD FOR THEM! THEYRE 40!
Doc: Okay, good, you know it sounds like you are reading a lot of these magazines you dont like.
LD: I was looking at them out there; it was right on the cover.
Doc: You got a lot of that stuff memorized.
LD: Gimme a golf magazine or something.
Doc: Okay, I get the point.
LD: Get something Im interested in! Get Nation! How about Nation? You read Nation?
Doc: I have read Nation, its a good one.
Renee, the nurse, enters.
Renee: Hi Larry!
LD: Hi Renee!
Nurse: How are you feeling?
Larrys pulse gets faster. Rene has to bend down to retrieve some files. Larry cannot restrain from peeping at her cleavage. The longer he stares, the faster his pulse gets.
Doc: Larry, how are you feeling?
Scene: Larry and the doc are sitting at a desk. The nurse is working in the background.
Doc: Okay, unfortunately, I cant give you a clean bill of health at this point.Yeah, I dont know what happened. There was a little, slight abnormality. We were going along great and you kind of spiked a little there and I cant sign the form for you!
Larry looks behind and sees Renee.
LD: I... believe me, there is nothing wrong with me. Im fine, Jack, Im fine. Trust me, Im fine.
Doc: Larry, I cant sign the form for you without taking some precautions, okay? And heres what we gonna do. Its simple, come on.
LD: There is no Irregularity.
Doc: Yes, there is, Larry! I went to medical school! I know! So, what we gonna do is this, listen! Its simple. Im going to give you a device called a heart holter, okay?
LD: This is ridiculous.
Doc: Larry, I have to do it, I have to do it. Straps on, couple of electrodes, you wear em for 24 hours, it measures your hearbeat, you come back and if this was an abnormality, an aberration, the device will confirm it, you get back on the treadmill for five minutes, I sign the slip and youre off to Broadway.
(to Renee) Renee? Do you have the holter; do you wanna get that to Larry?
(to Larry): Larry? Im gonna schedule you for an appointment tomorroy. Dont be a baby. Let Renee do this, will you, please? Come on!
Renee: Please stand up.
Larry stands up.
Renee without noticing, she speaks with quite a seductive voice: Will you take off your jacket, Larry? Great, its really easy. Here we go there (puts the straps on Larrys chest.) you go. Thats itthere
Scene: Larry and Richard (RL) in a café.
RL: So Im gonna tell you what happened last night. I took Renee home, you know, and we stopped and...
LD: I just saw her at Dr. Jacks. Shes unbelievable.
RL: Yeah, shes beyond an unbelievable, but the point of it is, I have you ever met her with an Afro-American?
LD: Yes. Twice.
RL: What? Same one twice or
LD: Two different ones.
RL: Same time??
LD: No! Same time two different ones.
RL: I see it right now. So, the reason I never, I never dated with a black, with a black chick.
LD: So what? So you never met one,
RL: No one I really
LD: Okayshe will be the first.
RL: This woman is extraordinary, so heres the thing: a couple of months ago, I went to a Knick-Game, and I went to the locker-room seeing a lot of my friends, and they were showering and I looked I saw one of the forwards, and he just threw the towel off when he was getting dressed and I looked down and
LD: Big, yeah.
RL: Big?
LD: Huge?
RL: They could put the Chicago fire out with this It was a joke. It was like from another planet.
LD: Well, Hes a big guy, hes a forward. You need to see a guard. Did you see a guard? You cant tell by a forward theyre too big! Its outta proportion!
RL: I dont care! Its me and Renee! And maybe because, shes black, she maybe dates
LD: So you think a black woman might be used to
RL: Well after used if thats not a myth
LD: Yeah, it can be a concern!
RL: I dont know whether I would ever wanna have intercourse with her because Im a little Im intimidated. And youre one of a few friends I can tell that.
LD: Okay, well maybe then I can I can step in. I got that tenth anniversary present. Im saying if youre too, you know, too intimidated to go through with it I could try
RL: A good friend doesnt do that! You dont, you dont have intercourse with someone who your friend doesnt have to screw
LD: Why? Would be a nice tenth anniversary present for me.
RL: Id rather go to Tiffanys and get you a ball.
LD: (laughs) I dont wanna ball
Scene: Larry and Richard exit the Café. A black guy in a suit stands outside, waiting.
LD (to RL): Bye.
RL leaves. Larry takes out his valet ticket, hands it to the black guy.
LD: Here you go.
Guy Takes the ticket and looks a bit irritated. He reads the ticket.
Guy: Yeah, Im not the valet!
LD: Oh, Im sorry, Im
Guy: Yeah It is possible for black people to have other jobs.
LD: I know, I know of course.
Guy: Yeah, yeah, I already know.
LD: No, because
Guy: Its because Im black!
LD: Im sorry!
Guy: Yeah. You fucked up!
LD: Sorry, sorry.
Guy leaves After he vanishes out of shot, we see Wanda standing a few feet in the background, arms crossed, focussing Larry. He sees her, and waves weakly. Wanda walks towards him.
Wanda: So, you automatic think the black man is the valet guy!
LD: No, no I dont automa.
Wanda: Yes, you did, I saw it.
LD: Hes standing by the valet
Wanda: Get my car, boy.
LD: He
Wanda: I saw it, Larry!
LD: He had on a white shirt, a red tie and a vest, hes standing by the valet sign its an honest mistake!
Wanda: Oh, oh yeah, thats honest! Anytime I see a black man in a tie and a suit I say: Hey, you must park cars for a living!
LD: I feel it was an honest mistake.
Wanda: No, nomaybe if it was a white man standing here, then you would not
LD: I would have given him the valet ticket.
Wanda: You would not
LD: I would too!
Wanda: No, you would have asked him
LD: I would too!
Wanda: not!
LD: Too!
Wanda: Not! You would have asked him for a stock tip...or... It is all you where are you going?
Larry: Oh yeah, right. Hows the filming going?
Wanda: Yeah, its, its good. [turns around] Were shooting over there. Having a little break!
Larry: Let me ask you a question. Youve slept with a lot of white man, a lot of black man, Im sure Is there any discernable difference?
Wands [looks astonished and insulted]: What??
LD: Let me rephrase that! Let me rephrase that!
Wanda: Yeah, rephrase it!
Larry: uhm, is there any discernable difference between a white man and a black man you know [points at his crotch and indicates "size" with his hands].
Wanda: Why would you ask me something like that, Larry?
Larry: My friend wants to know. Why? Whats the big deal?
Wanda: I am NOT gonna answer that!
[Larry suddenly hits himself in the face, spits involuntarily]
Wanda: What is that? What the fuck is that youre doing?
Larry: A bug, its a bug. I had a bug on me.
Wanda: Well, did you get my script to that guy? That Martin
Larry: Ohhh, oh yeah! Everythings okay as long as I do you a little favour!
Wanda: Did he get my script?
Larry: Yes, he did!
Wanda: And?
Larry: And what? I gave it to him; hell read it and get back to you.
Wanda: Hes not gonna re-write it, is he?
Larry: No!
Wanda: Okay, cos thats my baby!
Larry: Oh yeah, yeah.
Wanda: I wouldnt want anybody messing with my baby!
Larry: No-ones gonna mess with your baby. Dont worry about it.
Wanda: Im going back to work.
LD: Yeah, go back to your work.
Wanda: messing with you [walks back to work]
LD [Holds up his valet ticket and shouts:] Is there any black man around here? Is there a valet? I need a black man to get my car. [looks around] Is there a black man in the area who wants to take my valet ticket?
[Wanda turns around and gives Larry a disapproving look. Larry looks at her, smiles and waves]
Scene: Toy store. Larry looks at a shelf with only one doll left. He calls a saleswoman (SW).
LD: Excuse me.
SW: Yeah. Hi!
LD: You work here?
SW: Sure.
LD: Is this, is this the only doll?
SW: Yeah, thats the only one left.
LD: Thats it?
SW: Yeah, last one.
[Larry takes the doll from the shelf and looks at it.]
SW: Aint that cute?
LD: Whats the race on this doll?
SW: Ah, its biracial.
LD: Biracial? Really?
SW: Yeah! Absolutely!
LD: Ahh, so they make these dolls specificially for mixed couples? For black and white couples? They make a doll for their kids?
SW: I dont know.
LD: If somebodys Asian and they marry a white person, are they making a sort of half-Asian, half white, too? See, what Im getting at?
SW: Yeah. I think thats yah. [she makes quite a dull impression]
LD: Hm. I wonder if you do.
[SW laughs politely as she understands the remark. Larry smiles at her reaction]
LD: Okay. Ahmm, well, I guess Ill take it.
SW: Excellent. Let me wrap it up for you.
LD: Okay.
SW: Okay.
Scene: At the Dusenberrys baby shower. The couple is opening the presents surrounded by their friends. The surrogate stands a bit away and, exactly like Larry predicted, she feels like not being part of it.
Mrs D[usenberry]: Oh, it says meow. Is that adorable? Oh, I love it. Thank you so much.
[Larry enters with two presents; puts them down next to the couple and goes to Cheryl.]
Cheryl [whispers to Larry]: Thank you! You made it! [They kiss, and Cheryl notices the heart holter attached to Larrys trousers.] Whats this??
LD: Its my heart; instrumented (??) to my heart!
CD: What??
LD: No, no! Im fine. There was an abberation
CD: What? Oh, my God, Whats happened? [Feels his breast].
LD: No, Ive got wires under there!
CD: Are you okay? What does that mean?
LD: No, Im fine, there was something wrong with the machine and the doctor wont sign over thisIts nothing.
CD: How long do you have to wear this?
LD: Just a day Doesnt Bernie Dusenberry look like Steven de Marco?
CD: No!
LD: Are you kidding? He looks exactly like him!
CD: No!
LD: Yes!
CD: They dont look anything alike.
LD: Anytime I ever point out that somebody looks like someone else you always disagree.
CD: Because they never do.
LD: They always do!
CD: They never do.
LD: Hey watch, shes opening our gift!
CD: Okay!
Mrs D: This is from the Davids [Opens present] Oh, its a doll! [Shows it to the people, they cheer]
LD [to all]: Its a mulatto! [Everyone gets quiet] No good?
Mrs D: Biracial is what we call it usually!
LD: Biracial. Huh, what do you know about that?
Mrs.D: Oh, they gave us another one, too!
LD: Thats actually for the surrogate!
[The couple looks at each other in astonishment]
Mrs D: Oh [Surrogate goes to her and grabs the present.] Well, thats it gang, why dont we have some coffee, or some dessert, cos thats it.
Mr D: [to all] Thank you guys for coming, and thank you for the gifts.
[Cheryl looks angrily at Larry]
LD [to Cheryl]: What? [She doesnt say anything; Larry walks away to the surrogate [S]]
S: Hi!!
LD: Hey!
S: Thank you so much!
LD: Youre welcome.
S: I didnt expect it.
LD: Youre the one carrying the baby! Thats your baby!
S: I didnt expect I so thank you!
LD: Ahhh
S: Very unneccessary! Well, what do you do?
LD: Im a witer.
S: Oh, thats cool!
LD: Sounds good, yeah!
S: Yeah!
LD: Sometimes though its not such a great job. You know, like, for example I got this friend. She just gave this script to me to give to somebody She said Dont let him touch my baby, you know? Cos thats what they do. You work on something months and months, then they take it away from you, and then, thats it! You never see it again, they take your baby from you, they give your baby to somebody else, and thats it! Youve lost complete contact with your baby! You never see the baby again, and its your baby! And they take it to another writer, and that writer doesnt let you even look at your baby.
S: Thats part of your job, thats what you signed up for, I mean, you knew, we had to give it away.
LD: Still, its hard to give up that baby!
S: [feels more and more uncomfortable] I mean in a few years you can see how your scripts do
LD: Yeah, I know but then its all changed, you have nothing to do with it. Ehh Alright. Wanna get some coffee?
[Surrogate shakes her head. She feels obviously confused and touches her belly]
Scene: Rehearsal room. Larry and David Schwimmer (DS) are rehearsing a scene. Mel Brooks enters as they are performing.
LD: It was shocking, outrageous insulting and I loved every minute of it.
DS: No way, Harold.
LD [spots Brooks]: Hey.
MB: How are you, how are you?
DS: Hey!
MB: I am thorougly impressed.
Schwimmer: Oh, come on.
MB: Yes, surprisingly good. [sees that Larry still works with the script]. Still on the book? You dont have it under your belt yet? Why?
Schwimmer: Funny you should mention that.
MB: Why?
DS: We open; we open in three and a half weeks.
LD: Yeah, I know.
MB: I mean, everytime you work, he always has the script?
DS: Yes! Everytime!
MB: Always?
LD: Okay, Ill be fine. You know, I have a problem memorizing stuff. Ill be alright.
MB: Did you guys get your test results back, the insurance company
DS: Yes, yes, here, I got mine here. [gets it]. Clean bill of health with flying colours I might add.
MB: Oh, results Im proud of you. [to Larry] And you, your wheres your little paper?
LD: I had a little bit of a ahem...problem.
MB [sees the heart-holter looking out of Larrys shirt]: What the hell is that? What is that?
LD: Yeah, I did
DS: What is that?
LD: Its called a heart-holter.
MB: Heart-holter?
LD: Im fine, Im fine, I just didnt pass the physical, thats all.
MB: What?
LD: I didnt pass
DS: What are you talking about?
LD: Theres nothing wrong with me.
DS: You mean you are too old for this, is that what youre saying?
LD: No, no, no, Im not too old for it, believe me. It was a fluke, Im fine, theres nothing wrong with me.
DS [to Mel]: Seriously after three, like, shuffle ball chains
LD [to Schwimmer]: Hey, you wanna race me? You wanna go out? Wanna go to the parking lot?
DS: Yeah, right now, Ill go right now!
MB: Fellows
LD: Really? Good! Put your shoes, put your sneakers on. Lets
DS: I dont even need sneakers, I
MB: Lets stop being juvenile.
DS: Im not being
MB: Lets not race him Now look folks.
Irving Schwimmer (IS) enters
DS: Excuse me, Im sorry [goes to his dad] Hey dad!
LD: [to Mel] You dont think I can beat him in a race?
MB: I dont think you can beat him in a race.
LD: Oh, can I tell you what happened? Im on the treadmill, taking the stress test, okay?
[Camera changes to Schwimmer and his Dad]
IS: Here are the pictures from Spain.
DS: Oh, from Spain
IS: I thought you might like that
IS: Oh, thats excellent
[Camera back on LD and Mel]
LD: When she comes in that room again, tomorrow, when I take the test, Ill be looking at that ceiling, I can tell you that!
MB: Okay, thats great! Alright, I think youre gonna be fine.
LD: Theres nothing wrong with me, Im fine.
MB: Okay, good, good [runs his hand over his face]
LD: Did I just spit on you?
MB: No, no, no, no.
LD: Okay, cos you went like that [imitates him]
MB: No, no! I just, I always do that. When I sweat
LD: I noticed that, cos youre always rubbing your face.
MB: Victim of largling (?), and they dont mind you: Gypo! Gypo Nolan! You remember? From The Informer? Gypo! Gypo Nolan!
LD: Gypo Nolan, yeah [smiles]
[
David and his dad approach them]DS: Excuse me, Im sorry. Can I introduce you to my dad? My dad is a huge fan. This is Irving, Irving Schwimmer.
IS: Its a huge privilege.
MB: Irving Schwimmer! [shakes his hand]. Pleasure to meet you!
IS: Im looking forward to seeing your show. Ive been a fan of yours for years!
DS: For ever!
MB: I really appreciate that! Would you guys excuse me for just one minute? Okay! [leaves]
DS: [to Irving Schwimmer] you finally got to meet him!
Dad: Yes, I finally did. So, you like those pictures?
Schwimmer: Yeah!
Dad: Good, good. And
DSr: [reluctantly] Dad, this is Larry!
LD: Hi, how are you doing? [shakes his hand]. Nice to meet you.
IS: Right!
DS: So, these are great. [to Larry:]My parents went to Spain. [Shows Larry a picture]
LD: Ahh,
IS: Well, Id better be taking off.
LD: Wow, are those genitals? What is that on this bull? Oh my God? [Irving Schwimmer leaves] You told him about the whole cashew-raisin thing, right? You know, were talking! You dont have to go back and "Larry s."
DS: Are you kidding?
LD: I know you said something
DS: Of course I said something, it was you suggestion Mr. Constructive Criticism!
LD: Hey, hes putting four kashews in a bag. He deserves constructive criticism.
DS: Okay go on about it!
LD: I wanna call him! Seriously!
DS: I dont think so!
LD: I just like to call him and apologize.
DS: I dont feel comfortable with you calling my dad!
LD: David! Im gonna apologize. Im gonna be very nice. Believe me! I promise, okay?
DS: Just call before seven!
LD: [takes out his notebook] Okay, whats his number?
DS: Three one oh, eight five eight
Scene: On a street. Larry stops his car, looks up the number and then dials.
IS (on answering machine): This is Irving Schwimmer. Please leave a message at the tone.*beeb*
LD: Hi Mr. Schwimmer, this is Larry David. I just wanna say [A car hits Larrys car from behind. He furiously looks back and yells:] You fucking asshole! Whats your fucking problem you prick? Jesus! [Larry exits the car and yells at the driver] What the hell is wrong with you?
Driver: What the fuck you think you are talking to? [He goes to the trunk and gets a tire iron]
LD: What the hell youre doing here? You bumped into my car?
Driver: You think I hit your car? Now Im gonna fucking hit you! Right in your fucking head! [he approaches Larry]
LD [gets scared and thus fakes a hear attack]: AAAh, Aaah, ah my heart, ah [sticks his hand under his shirt and pulls off the wires]
Driver: What are you doing? What is this [Now he is scared] Is it your heart? Alright, alright, just calm down, calm down. Dont take them off! Leave em on.You shouldnt have taken them off! Alright, ahh, alrightoh Christ. I dont know CPR [to people on streets] Ey, somebody call an ambulance! Call an ambulance! Call 911! Send em to the park! Come on! [to Larry] Hang it in! Can you breathe? Keep breathing, alright? Whatever you do, dont stop breathing! Just keep doing that! [All around people are staring. Someone has a cellphone] You gotta phone?
Scene: Still on the street. Larry is on a stretcher, the paramedics are just about to put him into the ambulance.
LD: Seriously! The guy was coming after me with a tire iron! I faked the whole thing! Do you hear what Im saying? This is ridiculous! Theres nothing wrong with me! This is just so unnecessary! Seriously! [The paramedics close the door and drive to the hospital. Meanwhile, Larry is staring out of the window. Suddenly he sees a crowd running after someone. After a few seconds he sees the reason! It is the surrogate running away with the panda Larry bought her in her arms]
Scene: In hospital. Larry is in bed and talks to a biracial nurse.
Nurse: I dated both! Black men, white men. And there really isnt a difference.
LD: Aha.
Nurse: Its really, just kind of a myth.
LD: Thats a myth? Boy, too bad for the black guys.
Nurse: I know, I know. You know, I speak from both sides cos Im half black, and half white
LD: You gotta tan!
Nurse: Yeah.
LD: I just bought a mulatto doll today!
Nurse: hesitates Okay, we dont really use mulatto anymore, okay?
LD: I was wondering about that. If that was a bad one.
Nurse: Yeah, its a bit outdated.
LD: Okay.
Nurse: But if we all keep fucking each other, then were gonna be the same race sooner or later, anyway.
LD [crosses his fingers] lets pray for that!
Nurse: I do!
[Cheryl enters]
LD: Hello! Hey!
CD: Are you okay?
LD: This is Masasa [points to nurse]
CD: Hi, Im Cheryl. Nice to meet you!
Nurse: Hi! Mrs. David, nice to meet you.
LD: Do you think, do you think that a biracial person would need sunblock? Would you think that?
CD: I I I have not thought about that.
Nurse: I guess he had to be there, anyway. Okay, Mrs. David, it was lovely meeting you and good luck to you. She leaves
LD: Thank you.
CD: Oh my God, what happened?
LD: Oh, Im perfectly fine.
CD: Are you?
LD: Absolutely, perfectly fine.
LD: There was a road rage incident and the guy came out of his car with a tire iron and wanted to kill me. So, you know I had the heart holter and I faked I was having a heart attack. I pulled the wires out.
CD: You did what?
LD: I faked like I was having a heart attack, so he wouldnt kill me!
CD: So, theres nothing wrong with you?
LD: No, Im fine!
CD: Then why am I here? Why are you in a hospital bed right now?
LD: What are you talking about? They took me to the hospital because of the heart attack..
CD: So, youre taking up a hospital bed because youre afraid of some weird guy in the traffic?
LD: Weird guy? He had a tire iron, he could have killed me!
CD: If youre in hospital and you are calling me to rush over and help you, I would think that there was something wrong with you.
LD: So, youd rather come in here and see me with broken legs.
CD: Well, Id rather not see you and see you chatting it up with the nurse!
LD: Well, Im not allowed to talk to a nurse?
CD: [screaming now] Youre having a good time in the hospital
LD: I dont understand. You just wanted somebody to kill me? Is that what you wanted? You would prefer that?
CD: By the way. What did you say to the surrogate? Shes gone into labor. Shes here in the hospital. And shes not gonna give the baby up. What did you tell her? She said she had a talk with you.
LD: I didnt say anything.
CD: Well, you must have said something because Bernie Dusenberry is looking for you cos he wants to kick your ass!
LD: Thats a quote?
CD: Its a quote!
Scene: In elevator. It is crowded. Larry and Cheryl are in the middle of the people. An old guy is talking to himself:
Old man: Those bastards! The fourth time Ive been here. And I still cant get that colostomy bag to fit. It doesnt fit! And the insurance company wont pay for it. Full all the time. I dont understand why they just dont take care.
[Door opens, outside, the surrogate is in a wheelchair with her baby in her arms. The nurse behind the wheelchair carries the bear she got from Larry! He sees her, then yells.]
LD: What are you doing? You cant keep that baby! I was talking about a script. I want that panda back! [door closes again]
Scene: In a building. Larry is with Richard Lewis again. They are on their way to the mens room.
LD: So, I spoke to this nurse. Shes biracial.
RL: Bi what do you mean, biracial?
LD: Half black, half white. Mulatto.
RL: Bisexual?
LD: Mulatto? They dont say mulatto anymore. She got mad at me. But anyway, she says shes been with black men and white men. And she said there is no difference, so
RL: Really?
LD: Yeah.
RL: Thats fantastic.
LD: Aha. Look at that! Look at that!
RL: Yeah! How fantastic is that!
LD: Is that good news?
RL: Wow, Im really this is great news, by the way.
LD: Im gonna see Renee too this afternoon. I got my physical again.
RL: Oh really? Wow, cool.
[They are standing now in front of the urinals, they leave one urinal between them]
LD: Did I tell you bout Bernie Dusenberrys. That hes gonna kick my ass. Did I mention that?
RL: You mean the big guy?
LD: Yeah, the big guy!
RL: Well, well, well..
[Muggsy Bogues enters.]
RL: Holy shit!
LD: Hey! Muggsy Bogues ?
Muggsy: Yes!
LD: Alright, hey, how are you doing? Im not gonna shake your hand, Im in the bathroom!
Muggsy: I appreciate that!
RL: This man has bathroom etiquette!
LD: I havent touched anything yet, I just want you to know.
Muggsy: Okay!
RL: Im a huge fan, man. Huge fan.
Muggsy: Thank you.
RL: [to Larry] One of the great guards of all time.
LD: I know. Absolutely. We really enjoy watching you play.
Muggsy: Thank you, thanks a lot.
RL: Nice to meet you, man.
LD: Pleasure to meet you. Go ahead [they offer him the urinal in the middle, and all start peeing. After a view seconds both Larry and Richard peak down. Both are astonished, both mouth "wow". Suddenly Muggsy realizes that Larry is staring]
Muggsy: WHAT THE FUCK?? What are you looking at? [Larry moves away, he is scared as Muggsy follows him] You looking at me? Are you crazy??? [Larry again fakes a heart-attack and pulls off his wires and screams as if in pain.]
Muggsy: Are you okay? Are you alright?
Scene: In front of hospital. Larry exits the car. He is singing. When he is walking towards the entrance, a black guy in casual clothes passes him by. Larry then turns around and turns his car-alarm on with his infrared-key. The car makes the typical beep. Suddenly, the black guy turns around..
BlackGuy: Think Im gonna steal your car?
LD: No, no, I just forgot to, to put the alarm on. Its not you! No race thing! No, no race thing!
Black guy: Asshole! [He continues walking]
LD: No, I dont even need the alarm on. Look! I turn it off [turns alarm off]. Look!
Black Guy continues his way. Again, Wanda is in the background and stares at Larry. She walks to him.
Wanda: There again, huh? So what? The black man and a suit parks cars; black man, no suit he gonna steal your car!
LD: What is it? I cant do anything in the city without you watching me, following me?
Wanda: I told you I m shooting here all week.
LD: He just happened to be there when I turned around to put the alarm on! Thats not my fault!
Wanda: You saw the black man; you just thought "let me lock my car". You put the alarm on. The black man made you go "Let me lock my car!"
LD: I just, I just havent done it yet, thats all.
Wanda: And do you think a black man would want that piece of shit?
LD: Piece of shit? How dare you? Piece of shit?
Wanda: Yeah, have a look! Its a toy car. No black man wanna toy car, a black man want a get up and go!
LD: I didnt think the black man wanted the car.
Wanda: So look. Did aaah, did you hear back from Martin about my script?
LD: Yeah!
Wanda: And? [Larry shrugs]. What?
LD: Sorry to say! Didnt like it! It happens!
Wanda: Well, did you tell him I was black?
LD: No!
Wanda: Why didnt you tell him I was black?
LD: I dont know! Why should I?
Wanda: It makes a big difference! Larry, you dont know when to play the card! You know, white guys, they love this shit.Well "Oh, look at me, Im liberal! Helping a black person." You should know better. Thats when you tell somebody theyre black.
LD: Alright, Ill tell him youre black., okay? Fine.
Wanda: Tell him, Im like a brown skin black, not black skin. Make sure I am not real black...
[Larry walks away]
LD: Hope, I dont see you for a while! Getting sick of you!
Wanda: Take your sick ass into hospital.
Scene: In the waiting room. This time, Larry is reading a Golf magazine. He seems really interested and even tries a golf tip he learns from the magazine.
Receptionist: Mr. David?
Larry hears his name, but cannot stop reading. He puts a finger into the air as to signalize that he needs one more minute.Finally he approaches the register desk!
LD: Can I say that this is fantastic. The magazines? What an improvement. Unbelievable.
[The Receptionist tries to look interested]
LD: I gotta tell you something. Its one of the few times in my life anyone has ever taken my advice. Its a pleasure.
Receptionist: Well, the doctors waiting to see you.
LD: Okay!
Scene: In the doctors room. Larry is again on the treadmill.
LD: Know what I say to you now?
Doc: What do you say to me, Larry?
LD: Keep me waiting! Can I tell you something?
Doc: Tell me everything!
LD: That was the best waiting room-experience I ever had.
Doc: Glad youre happy.
LD: Im very happy.
Doc: Good for you! Im seeing right here that youre happy [points to the screen which displays Larrys body functions.] Nice job, and did you notice I got Golf?
LD: I saw the Golf! I picked up a nice tip!
[Suddenly Renee enters. Again, she looks quite sexy. Larry notices her and tries looking at various directions]
Renee: Hey, Larry!
LD: Hey! [Larry successfully ignores Renee with his eyes]
Renee [to Doc]: Oh, Bernie Duisenberry called. I was able to reschedule his appointment. He will be here in ten minutes!
Doc: Oh, very good!
[Again, Larrys pulse is audible and it is getting faster and faster.]
Renee: Alright! Bye, Larry!
Scene: Larry and Cheryl in bed. Again, they are watching a Seinfeld show.
Seinfeld [on TV]: And the dispenser was destroyed virtually beyond recogniton!
[Larry again has the heart-holter. Awkwardly, he inspects all the wires.]
Cheryl: Oh did I tell you that the surrogate changed her mind. Shes gonna give the baby to the Dusenberrys.
Larry: Really?
Cherly: Yeah!
LD: Hey, thats great.
Cheryl: Yeah.
LD: Hey, you know what? I got good news, too.
CD: You do?
LD: Penis is healed.
CD: Ahh.
LD: As soon as I get rid of this heart-holter, Im back in business, baby! [From the Seinfeld show you can hear laughter]
Seinfeld [on TV]: I cant do those things! [That was the last line of the show. Larry turns off the TV. The phone rings.]
CD: Thats Marilyn.
LD: Marilyn!
CD: Dont pick it up. Im not talking to her tonight.
[They turn off the lights.]
CD: Good night!
LD: Good Night.
[Camera stays on the telephone. The machine goes on:]
LD [on answering machine]: Hi, please leave your name and number, and someone will get back to you. Thank you.
IS: This is Irving Schwimmer: You motherfucking cocksucking son of a bitch bastard! Who the fuck do you think you are? You bald son of a
[Credits with "Frolic"]
Posted by Stan The Caddy at February 11, 2004 11:59 AM | TrackBack
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