The Surrogate - Script
Directed by: Larry Charles
First aired: February 22, 2004
Guest Starring:
Mel Brooks (himself)
David Schwimmer (himself)
Richard Lewis (himself)
Muggsy Bogues (himself)
Wanda Sykes (Wanda)
Featuring:
Eric Alexander (car alarm offendee)
Garcelle Beauvais-Nilon (Renee)
Elizabeth Beckwith (surrogate)
Eliza Coyle (Betty Dusenberry)
Jack Gallagher (doctor)
Mark Griffin (paramedic #1)
Jack Heller (Irving Schwimmer)
Frank John Hughes (angry driver)
Thomas Jones (valet offendee)
Melissa McCarthy (saleswoman)
Masasa (nurse)
Jane Piper (receptionist))
Murray Rubin (elderly man)
Ryan Yu (paramedic #2)
Transcripted by: Scirocco (Simon Rosenberg)
Scene: Larry and Cheryl in bed watching TV. The last seconds of Seinfeld’s "Puffy Shirt" show are running. Larry and Cheryl both smile.
Larry David (LD): Ahh, good show.
Cheryl David (CD): Good show.
Phone rings.
LD: Ahhh, geez.
CD: Oh my God!
LD: Don’t answer it! I don’t wanna talk to her.
CD: Why does she have to call after every episode?
LD: I don’t know… I’m not here.
Cheryl picks up the phone.
CD: Hello? Hi, Marilyn. Yeah, we just watched it… Yeah, I know, it was one of the good ones….He’s actually… he’s unavailable. Hmmhmm, okay… bye!
She puts away the phone.
CD (to Larry): imitates Marilyn’s voice. ‘Tell him it was one of my favourite episodes. Tell him Marylin says ‘hi!", Tell him it gets better every time I see it.’
LD: Ahh, God! I can’t believe this woman has to call after every single show.
CD: Does it ever end with this lady? Changes topic. What are you doing tomorrow?
LD: I’m getting my physical for "The Producers".
CD: Could you do me a favour? Will you pick up a present for the Dusenberry’s baby shower?
LD: Me?
CD: You’re gonna be right there, there’s a toy store right …
LD: You wanna trust me with something like that? A gift for a baby?
CD: Just get a doll or something.
LD: So, you wanna get me a doll for Betty?
CD: Get a doll for Betty, it’s her baby shower.
LD: What about the surrogate? Get her anything?
CD: I don’t think you need to worry about the surrogate.
LD: I don’t know about that. I think the surrogate is a person, too! She’s having the baby!
CD: The shower is for Betty.
LD: So, she’s gonna opening her presents, the surrogate is gonna be standing there like an idiot and she has nothing to open? The whole thing’s… what’s the surrogate etiquette?
CD: Okay, use your judgement, whatever you think. If that’s what you wanna do, that’s fine.
She starts stroking Larry’s belly.
LD: (laughs) Hey Charly, what’s going on??
CD: (laughs) What? What?
LD: Hey you know I can’t do anything.
CD: Because the dog bit your penis?
LD: Yeees…
CD: So, you…
LD: It’s not ready, I’m not ready, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, a couple of more days.
Scene: Doctor’s waiting room. Larry browses through the magazines. He is evidently disappointed.
Receptionist: Mr. David?
Larry walks to the reception desk.
LD: Can I make an observation? That magazine collection… you really need to do something about that. I’m not complaining, I’m just, just making an observation.
Receptionist: looks at him uninterested The doctor’s ready to see you.
LD: Okay. Just… you know, just for your information…FYI kinda thing.
Receptionist: points with her finger Right that way.
LD: Okay.
He walks off-screen.
Scene: In the doctor’s room. Larry’s on the treadmill, the doctor is checking Larry’s activities. Larry’s pulse is made audible by a beeping sound.
LD: What are you doing? Stealing your magazines from garbage cans? I have never seen such a collection of shit in my life.
Doc: Alright.
LD: They are all to four years old those things!
Doc: We have other things that we think about; Other than the magazines. Things like giving people medical assistance!
LD: Lady’s Home Journal from 2001, People Magazine: TOM CRUISE IS 40! EMILIO ESTEVEZ IS 40! WOW, GOOD FOR THEM! THEY’RE 40!
Doc: Okay, good, you know… it sounds like you are reading a lot of these magazines you don’t like.
LD: I was looking at them out there; it was right on the cover.
Doc: You got a lot of that stuff memorized.
LD: Gimme a golf magazine or something.
Doc: Okay, I get the point.
LD: Get something I’m interested in! Get Nation! How about Nation? You read Nation?
Doc: I have read Nation, it’s a good one.
Renee, the nurse, enters.
Renee: Hi Larry!
LD: Hi Renee!
Nurse: How are you feeling?
Larry’s pulse gets faster. Rene has to bend down to retrieve some files. Larry cannot restrain from peeping at her cleavage. The longer he stares, the faster his pulse gets.
Doc: Larry, how are you feeling?
Scene: Larry and the doc are sitting at a desk. The nurse is working in the background.
Doc: Okay, unfortunately, I can’t give you a clean bill of health at this point.Yeah, I don’t know what happened. There was a little, slight abnormality. We were going along great and… you kind of spiked a little there and I can’t sign the form for you!
Larry looks behind and sees Renee.
LD: I... believe me, there is nothing wrong with me. I’m fine, Jack, I’m fine. Trust me, I’m fine.
Doc: Larry, I can’t sign the form for you without taking some precautions, okay? And here’s what we gonna do. It’s simple, come on.
LD: There is no Irregularity.
Doc: Yes, there is, Larry! I went to medical school! I know! So, what we gonna do is this, listen! It’s simple. I’m going to give you a device called a heart holter, okay?
LD: This is ridiculous.
Doc: Larry, I have to do it, I have to do it. Straps on, couple of electrodes, you wear ‘em for 24 hours, it measures your hearbeat, you come back and if this was an abnormality, an aberration, the device will confirm it, you get back on the treadmill for five minutes, I sign the slip and you’re off to Broadway.
(to Renee) Renee? Do you have the holter; do you wanna get that to Larry?
(to Larry): Larry? I’m gonna schedule you for an appointment tomorroy. Don’t be a baby. Let Renee do this, will you, please? Come on!
Renee: Please stand up.
Larry stands up.
Renee without noticing, she speaks with quite a seductive voice: Will you take off your jacket, Larry? Great, it’s really easy. Here we go… there (puts the straps on Larry’s chest.) you go. That’s it…there…
Scene: Larry and Richard (RL) in a café.
RL: So I’m gonna tell you what happened last night. I took Renee home, you know, and we stopped and...
LD: I just saw her at Dr. Jack’s. She’s unbelievable.
RL: Yeah, she’s beyond an unbelievable, but the point of it is, I… have you ever met her with an Afro-American?
LD: Yes. Twice.
RL: What? Same one twice or…
LD: Two different ones.
RL: Same time??
LD: No! Same time… two different ones.
RL: I see it right now. So, the reason… I never, I never dated with a black, with a black chick.
LD: So what? So you never met one,
RL: No one I really…
LD: Okay…she will be the first.
RL: This woman is extraordinary, so… here’s the thing: a couple of months ago, I went to a Knick-Game, and I went to the locker-room seeing a lot of my friends, and they were showering and I looked… I saw one of the forwards, and he just threw the towel off when he was getting dressed and I looked down and…
LD: Big, yeah.
RL: Big?
LD: Huge?
RL: They could put the Chicago fire out with this… It was a joke. It was like from another planet.
LD: Well, He’s a big guy, he’s a forward. You need to see a guard. Did you see a guard? You can’t tell by a forward they’re too big! It’s outta proportion!
RL: I don’t care! It’s me and Renee! And maybe because, she’s black, she maybe dates…
LD: So you think a black woman might be used to…
RL: Well after used… if that’s not a myth…
LD: Yeah, it can be a concern!
RL: I don’t know whether I would ever wanna have intercourse with her because I’m a little… I’m intimidated. And you’re one of a few friends I can tell that.
LD: Okay, well maybe then I can… I can step in. I got that tenth anniversary present. I’m saying if you’re too, you know, too intimidated to go through with it… I could try…
RL: A good friend doesn’t do that! You don’t, you don’t have intercourse with someone who your friend doesn’t have to screw…
LD: Why? Would be a nice tenth anniversary present for me.
RL: I’d rather go to Tiffany’s and get you a ball.
LD: (laughs) I don’t wanna ball…
Scene: Larry and Richard exit the Café. A black guy in a suit stands outside, waiting.
LD (to RL): Bye.
RL leaves. Larry takes out his valet ticket, hands it to the black guy.
LD: Here you go.
Guy Takes the ticket and looks a bit irritated. He reads the ticket.
Guy: Yeah, I’m not the valet!
LD: Oh, I’m sorry, I’m…
Guy: Yeah… It is possible for black people to have other jobs.
LD: I know, I know of course.
Guy: Yeah, yeah, I already know.
LD: No, because…
Guy: It’s because I’m black!
LD: I’m sorry!
Guy: Yeah. You fucked up!
LD: Sorry, sorry.
Guy leaves… After he vanishes out of shot, we see Wanda standing a few feet in the background, arms crossed, focussing Larry. He sees her, and waves weakly. Wanda walks towards him.
Wanda: So, you automatic think the black man is the valet guy!
LD: No, no I don’t automa….
Wanda: Yes, you did, I saw it.
LD: He’s standing by the valet…
Wanda: Get my car, boy.
LD: He…
Wanda: I saw it, Larry!
LD: He had on a white shirt, a red tie and a vest, he’s standing by the valet sign… it’s an honest mistake!
Wanda: Oh, oh yeah, that’s honest! Anytime I see a black man in a tie and a suit I say: ‘Hey, you must park cars for a living!’
LD: I feel it was an honest mistake.
Wanda: No, no…maybe if it was a white man standing here, then you would not…
LD: I would have given him the valet ticket.
Wanda: You would not…
LD: I would too!
Wanda: No, you would have asked him…
LD: I would too!
Wanda: …not!
LD: Too!
Wanda: Not! You would have asked him for a stock tip...or... It is all you… where are you going?
Larry: Oh yeah, right. How’s the filming going?
Wanda: Yeah, it’s, it’s good. [turns around] We’re shooting over there. Having a little break!
Larry: Let me ask you a question. You’ve slept with… a lot of white man, a lot of black man, I’m sure… Is there any discernable difference?
Wands [looks astonished and insulted]: What??
LD: Let me rephrase that! Let me rephrase that!
Wanda: Yeah, rephrase it!
Larry: uhm, is there any discernable difference… between a white man and a black man… you know… [points at his crotch and indicates "size" with his hands].
Wanda: Why would you ask me something like that, Larry?
Larry: My friend wants to know. Why? What’s the big deal?
Wanda: I am NOT gonna answer that!
[Larry suddenly hits himself in the face, spits involuntarily]
Wanda: What is that? What the fuck is that you’re doing?
Larry: A bug, it’s a bug. I had a bug on me.
Wanda: Well, did you get my script to that guy? That Martin…
Larry: Ohhh, oh yeah! Everything’s okay as long as I do you a little favour!
Wanda: Did he get my script?
Larry: Yes, he did!
Wanda: And?
Larry: And what? I gave it to him; he’ll read it and get back to you.
Wanda: He’s not gonna re-write it, is he?
Larry: No!
Wanda: Okay, cos that’s my baby!
Larry: Oh yeah, yeah.
Wanda: I wouldn’t want anybody messing with my baby!
Larry: No-one’s gonna mess with your baby. Don’t worry about it.
Wanda: I’m going back to work.
LD: Yeah, go back to your work.
Wanda: messing with you… [walks back to work]
LD [Holds up his valet ticket and shouts:] Is there any black man around here? Is there a valet? I need a black man to get my car. [looks around] Is there a black man in the area who wants to take my valet ticket?
[Wanda turns around and gives Larry a disapproving look. Larry looks at her, smiles and waves]
Scene: Toy store. Larry looks at a shelf with only one doll left. He calls a saleswoman (SW).
LD: Excuse me.
SW: Yeah. Hi!
LD: You work here?
SW: Sure.
LD: Is this, is this the only doll?
SW: Yeah, that’s the only one left.
LD: That’s it?
SW: Yeah, last one.
[Larry takes the doll from the shelf and looks at it.]
SW: Ain’t that cute?
LD: What’s the race on this doll?
SW: Ah, it’s biracial.
LD: Biracial? Really?
SW: Yeah! Absolutely!
LD: Ahh, so they make these dolls specificially for mixed couples? For black and white couples? They make a doll for their kids?
SW: I don’t know.
LD: If somebody’s Asian and they marry a white person, are they making a sort of half-Asian, half –white, too? See, what I’m getting at?
SW: Yeah. I think that’s… yah. [she makes quite a dull impression]
LD: Hm. I wonder if you do.
[SW laughs politely as she understands the remark. Larry smiles at her reaction]
LD: Okay. Ahmm, well, I guess I’ll take it.
SW: Excellent. Let me wrap it up for you.
LD: Okay.
SW: Okay.
Scene: At the Dusenberry’s baby shower. The couple is opening the presents surrounded by their friends. The surrogate stands a bit away and, exactly like Larry predicted, she feels like not being part of it.
Mrs D[usenberry]: Oh, it says ‘meow’. Is that adorable? Oh, I love it. Thank you so much.
[Larry enters with two presents; puts them down next to the couple and goes to Cheryl.]
Cheryl [whispers to Larry]: Thank you! You made it! [They kiss, and Cheryl notices the heart holter attached to Larry’s trousers.] What’s this??
LD: It’s my heart; instrumented (??) to my heart!
CD: What??
LD: No, no! I’m fine. There was an abberation…
CD: What? Oh, my God, What’s happened? [Feels his breast].
LD: No, I’ve got wires under there!
CD: Are you okay? What does that mean?
LD: No, I’m fine, there was something wrong with the machine and the doctor won’t sign over this…It’s nothing.
CD: How long do you have to wear this?
LD: Just a day… Doesn’t Bernie Dusenberry look like Steven de Marco?
CD: No!
LD: Are you kidding? He looks exactly like him!
CD: No!
LD: Yes!
CD: They don’t look anything alike.
LD: Anytime I ever point out that somebody looks like someone else you always disagree.
CD: Because they never do.
LD: They always do!
CD: They never do.
LD: Hey watch, she’s opening our gift!
CD: Okay!
Mrs D: This is from the David’s… [Opens present] Oh, it’s a doll! [Shows it to the people, they cheer]
LD [to all]: It’s a mulatto! [Everyone gets quiet] No good?
Mrs D: Biracial is what we call it usually!
LD: Biracial. Huh, what do you know about that?
Mrs.D: Oh, they gave us another one, too!
LD: That’s actually for the surrogate!
[The couple looks at each other in astonishment]
Mrs D: Oh… [Surrogate goes to her and grabs the present.] Well, that’s it gang, why don’t we have some coffee, or some dessert, cos that’s it.
Mr D: [to all] Thank you guys for coming, and thank you for the gifts.
[Cheryl looks angrily at Larry]
LD [to Cheryl]: What? [She doesn’t say anything; Larry walks away to the surrogate [S]]
S: Hi!!
LD: Hey!
S: Thank you so much!
LD: You’re welcome.
S: I didn’t expect it.
LD: You’re the one carrying the baby! That’s your baby!
S: I didn’t expect I so thank you!
LD: Ahhh…
S: Very unneccessary! Well, what do you do?
LD: I’m a witer.
S: Oh, that’s cool!
LD: Sounds good, yeah!
S: Yeah!
LD: Sometimes though it’s not such a great job. You know, like, for example I got this friend. She just gave this script to me to give to somebody… She said ‘Don’t let him touch my baby’, you know? Cos that’s what they do. You work on something months and months, then they take it away from you, and then, that’s it! You never see it again, they take your baby from you, they give your baby to somebody else, and that’s it! You’ve lost complete contact with your baby! You never see the baby again, and it’s your baby! And they take it to another writer, and that writer doesn’t let you even look at your baby.
S: That’s part of your job, that’s what you signed up for, I mean, you knew, we had to give it away.
LD: Still, it’s hard to give up that baby!
S: [feels more and more uncomfortable] I mean in a few years you can see how your scripts do …
LD: Yeah, I know but then it’s all changed, you have nothing to do with it. Ehh… Alright. Wanna get some coffee?
[Surrogate shakes her head. She feels obviously confused and touches her belly]
Scene: Rehearsal room. Larry and David Schwimmer (DS) are rehearsing a scene. Mel Brooks enters as they are performing.
LD: It was shocking, outrageous insulting and I loved every minute of it.
DS: No way, Harold.
LD [spots Brooks]: Hey.
MB: How are you, how are you?
DS: Hey!
MB: I am thorougly impressed.
Schwimmer: Oh, come on.
MB: Yes, surprisingly good. [sees that Larry still works with the script]. Still on the book? You don’t have it under your belt yet? Why?
Schwimmer: Funny you should mention that.
MB: Why?
DS: We open; we open in three and a half weeks.
LD: Yeah, I know.
MB: I mean, everytime you work, he always has the script?
DS: Yes! Everytime!
MB: Always?
LD: Okay, I’ll be fine. You know, I have a problem memorizing stuff. I’ll be alright.
MB: Did you guys get your test results back, the insurance company…
DS: Yes, yes, here, I got mine… here. [gets it]. Clean bill of health… with flying colours I might add.
MB: Oh, results… I’m proud of you. [to Larry] And you, your… where’s your little paper?
LD: I had a little bit of a ahem...problem.
MB [sees the heart-holter looking out of Larry’s shirt]: What the hell is that? What is that?
LD: Yeah, I did…
DS: What is that?
LD: It’s called a heart-holter.
MB: Heart-holter?
LD: I’m fine, I’m fine, I just didn’t pass the physical, that’s all.
MB: What?
LD: I didn’t pass…
DS: What are you talking about?
LD: There’s nothing wrong with me.
DS: You mean you are too old for this, is that what you’re saying?
LD: No, no, no, I’m not too old for it, believe me. It was a fluke, I’m fine, there’s nothing wrong with me.
DS [to Mel]: Seriously after three, like, shuffle ball chains…
LD [to Schwimmer]: Hey, you wanna race me? You wanna go out? Wanna go to the parking lot?
DS: Yeah, right now, I’ll go right now!
MB: Fellows…
LD: Really? Good! Put your shoes, put your sneakers on. Let’s
DS: I don’t even need sneakers, I…
MB: Let’s stop being juvenile.
DS: I’m not being…
MB: Let’s not race him… Now look folks.
Irving Schwimmer (IS) enters
DS: Excuse me, I’m sorry [goes to his dad] Hey dad!
LD: [to Mel] You don’t think I can beat him in a race?
MB: I don’t think you can beat him in a race.
LD: Oh, can I tell you what happened? I’m on the treadmill, taking the stress test, okay?
[Camera changes to Schwimmer and his Dad]
IS: Here are the pictures from Spain.
DS: Oh, from Spain…
IS: I thought you might like that…
IS: Oh, that’s excellent…
[Camera back on LD and Mel]
LD: When she comes in that room again, tomorrow, when I take the test, I’ll be looking at that ceiling, I can tell you that!
MB: Okay, that’s great! Alright, I think you’re gonna be fine.
LD: There’s nothing wrong with me, I’m fine.
MB: Okay, good, good [runs his hand over his face]
LD: Did I just spit on you?
MB: No, no, no, no.
LD: Okay, cos you went like that [imitates him]
MB: No, no! I just, I always do that. When I sweat…
LD: I noticed that, cos you’re always rubbing your face.
MB: Victim of largling (?), and they don’t mind you: ‘Gypo! Gypo Nolan!’ You remember? From The Informer? Gypo! Gypo Nolan!
LD: Gypo Nolan, yeah [smiles]
[
David and his dad approach them]DS: Excuse me, I’m sorry. Can I introduce you to my dad? My dad is a huge fan. This is Irving, Irving Schwimmer.
IS: It’s a huge privilege.
MB: Irving Schwimmer! [shakes his hand]. Pleasure to meet you!
IS: I’m looking forward to seeing your show. I’ve been a fan of yours for years!
DS: For ever!
MB: I really appreciate that! Would you guys excuse me for just one minute? Okay! [leaves]
DS: [to Irving Schwimmer] you finally got to meet him!
Dad: Yes, I finally did. So, you like those pictures?
Schwimmer: Yeah!
Dad: Good, good. And…
DSr: [reluctantly] Dad, this is Larry!
LD: Hi, how are you doing? [shakes his hand]. Nice to meet you.
IS: Right!
DS: So, these are great. [to Larry:]My parents went to Spain. [Shows Larry a picture]
LD: Ahh,
IS: Well, I’d better be taking off.
LD: Wow, are those genitals? What is that on this bull? Oh my God? [Irving Schwimmer leaves] You told him about the whole cashew-raisin thing, right? You know, we’re talking! You don’t have to go back and "Larry s…."
DS: Are you kidding?
LD: I know you said something
DS: Of course I said something, it was you suggestion Mr. Constructive Criticism!
LD: Hey, he’s putting four kashews in a bag. He deserves constructive criticism.
DS: Okay… go on about it!
LD: I wanna call him! Seriously!
DS: I don’t think so!
LD: I just like to call him and apologize.
DS: I don’t feel comfortable with you calling my dad!
LD: David! I’m gonna apologize. I’m gonna be very nice. Believe me! I promise, okay?
DS: Just call before seven!
LD: [takes out his notebook] Okay, what’s his number?
DS: Three one oh, eight five eight…
Scene: On a street. Larry stops his car, looks up the number and then dials.
IS (on answering machine): This is Irving Schwimmer. Please leave a message at the tone.*beeb*
LD: Hi Mr. Schwimmer, this is Larry David. I just wanna say… [A car hits Larry’s car from behind. He furiously looks back and yells:] You fucking asshole! What’s your fucking problem you prick? Jesus! [Larry exits the car and yells at the driver] What the hell is wrong with you?
Driver: What the fuck you think you are talking to? [He goes to the trunk and gets a tire iron]
LD: What the hell you’re doing here? You bumped into my car?
Driver: You think I hit your car? Now I’m gonna fucking hit you! Right in your fucking head! [he approaches Larry]
LD [gets scared and thus fakes a hear attack]: AAAh, Aaah, ah my heart, ah [sticks his hand under his shirt and pulls off the wires]
Driver: What are you doing? What is this [Now he is scared] Is it your heart? Alright, alright, just calm down, calm down. Don’t take them off! Leave ‘em on.You shouldn’t have taken them off! Alright, ahh, alright…oh Christ. I don’t know CPR [to people on streets] Ey, somebody call an ambulance! Call an ambulance! Call 911! Send ‘em to the park! Come on! [to Larry] Hang it in! Can you breathe? Keep breathing, alright? Whatever you do, don’t stop breathing! Just keep doing that! [All around people are staring. Someone has a cellphone] You gotta phone?
Scene: Still on the street. Larry is on a stretcher, the paramedics are just about to put him into the ambulance.
LD: Seriously! The guy was coming after me with a tire iron! I faked the whole thing! Do you hear what I’m saying? This is ridiculous! There’s nothing wrong with me! This is just so unnecessary! Seriously! [The paramedics close the door and drive to the hospital. Meanwhile, Larry is staring out of the window. Suddenly he sees a crowd running after someone. After a few seconds he sees the reason! It is the surrogate running away with the panda Larry bought her in her arms]
Scene: In hospital. Larry is in bed and talks to a biracial nurse.
Nurse: I dated both! Black men, white men. And there really isn’t a difference.
LD: Aha.
Nurse: It’s really, just kind of a myth.
LD: That’s a myth? Boy, too bad for the black guys.
Nurse: I know, I know. You know, I speak from both sides cos I’m half black, and half white
LD: You gotta tan!
Nurse: Yeah.
LD: I just bought a mulatto doll today!
Nurse: hesitates Okay, we don’t really use ‘mulatto’ anymore, okay?
LD: I was wondering about that. If that was a bad one.
Nurse: Yeah, it’s a bit outdated.
LD: Okay.
Nurse: But if we all keep fucking each other, then we’re gonna be the same race sooner or later, anyway.
LD [crosses his fingers] let’s pray for that!
Nurse: I do!
[Cheryl enters]
LD: Hello! Hey!
CD: Are you okay?
LD: This is Masasa [points to nurse]
CD: Hi, I’m Cheryl. Nice to meet you!
Nurse: Hi! Mrs. David, nice to meet you.
LD: Do you think, do you think that a biracial person would need sunblock? Would you think that…?
CD: I… I… I have not thought about that.
Nurse: I guess he had to be there, anyway. Okay, Mrs. David, it was lovely meeting you and good luck to you. She leaves
LD: Thank you.
CD: Oh my God, what happened?
LD: Oh, I’m perfectly fine.
CD: Are you?
LD: Absolutely, perfectly fine.
LD: There was a road rage incident and the guy came out of his car with a tire iron and wanted to kill me. So, you know I had the heart holter and I faked I was having a heart attack. I pulled the wires out.
CD: You did what?
LD: I faked like I was having a heart attack, so he wouldn’t kill me!
CD: So, there’s nothing wrong with you?
LD: No, I’m fine!
CD: Then why am I here? Why are you in a hospital bed right now?
LD: What are you talking about? They took me to the hospital because of the heart attack..
CD: So, you’re taking up a hospital bed because you’re afraid of some weird guy in the traffic?
LD: Weird guy? He had a tire iron, he could have killed me!
CD: If you’re in hospital and you are calling me to rush over and help you, I would think that there was something wrong with you.
LD: So, you’d rather come in here and see me with broken legs.
CD: Well, I’d rather not see you and see you chatting it up with the nurse!
LD: Well, I’m not allowed to talk to a nurse?
CD: [screaming now] You’re having a good time in the hospital
LD: I don’t understand. You just wanted somebody to kill me? Is that what you wanted? You would prefer that?
CD: By the way. What did you say to the surrogate? She’s gone into labor. She’s here in the hospital. And she’s not gonna give the baby up. What did you tell her? She said she had a talk with you.
LD: I didn’t say anything.
CD: Well, you must have said something because Bernie Dusenberry is looking for you cos he wants to kick your ass!
LD: That’s a quote?
CD: It’s a quote!
Scene: In elevator. It is crowded. Larry and Cheryl are in the middle of the people. An old guy is talking to himself:
Old man: Those bastards! The fourth time I’ve been here. And I still can’t get that colostomy bag to fit. It doesn’t fit! And the insurance company won’t pay for it. Full all the time. I don’t understand why they just don’t take care.
[Door opens, outside, the surrogate is in a wheelchair with her baby in her arms. The nurse behind the wheelchair carries the bear she got from Larry! He sees her, then yells.]
LD: What are you doing? You can’t keep that baby! I was talking about a script. I want that panda back! [door closes again]
Scene: In a building. Larry is with Richard Lewis again. They are on their way to the men’s room.
LD: So, I spoke to this nurse. She’s biracial.
RL: Bi… what do you mean, biracial?
LD: Half black, half white. Mulatto.
RL: Bisexual?
LD: Mulatto? They don’t say mulatto anymore. She got mad at me. But anyway, she says she’s been with black men and white men. And she said there is no difference, so…
RL: Really?
LD: Yeah.
RL: That’s fantastic.
LD: Aha. Look at that! Look at that!
RL: Yeah! How fantastic is that!
LD: Is that good news?
RL: Wow, I’m really… this is great news, by the way.
LD: I’m gonna see Renee too this afternoon. I got my physical again.
RL: Oh really? Wow, cool.
[They are standing now in front of the urinals, they leave one urinal between them]
LD: Did I tell you ‘bout Bernie Dusenberry’s. That he’s gonna kick my ass. Did I mention that?
RL: You mean the big guy?
LD: Yeah, the big guy!
RL: Well, well, well…..
[Muggsy Bogues enters.]
RL: Holy shit!
LD: Hey! Muggsy Bogues ?
Muggsy: Yes!
LD: Alright, hey, how are you doing? I’m not gonna shake your hand, I’m in the bathroom!
Muggsy: I appreciate that!
RL: This man has bathroom etiquette!
LD: I haven’t touched anything yet, I just want you to know.
Muggsy: Okay!
RL: I’m a huge fan, man. Huge fan.
Muggsy: Thank you.
RL: [to Larry] One of the great guards of all time.
LD: I know. Absolutely. We really enjoy watching you play.
Muggsy: Thank you, thanks a lot.
RL: Nice to meet you, man.
LD: Pleasure to meet you. Go ahead [they ‘offer’ him the urinal in the middle, and all start peeing. After a view seconds both Larry and Richard peak down. Both are astonished, both mouth "wow". Suddenly Muggsy realizes that Larry is staring]
Muggsy: WHAT THE FUCK?? What are you looking at? [Larry moves away, he is scared as Muggsy follows him] You looking at me? Are you crazy??? [Larry again fakes a heart-attack and pulls off his wires and screams as if in pain.]
Muggsy: Are you okay? Are you alright?
Scene: In front of hospital. Larry exits the car. He is singing. When he is walking towards the entrance, a black guy in casual clothes passes him by. Larry then turns around and turns his car-alarm on with his infrared-key. The car makes the typical beep. Suddenly, the black guy turns around..
BlackGuy: Think I’m gonna steal your car?
LD: No, no, I just forgot to, to put the alarm on…. It’s not you! No race thing! No, no race thing!
Black guy: Asshole! [He continues walking]
LD: No, I don’t even need the alarm on. Look! I turn it off [turns alarm off]. Look!
Black Guy continues his way. Again, Wanda is in the background and stares at Larry. She walks to him.
Wanda: There again, huh? So what? The black man and a suit parks cars; black man, no suit he gonna steal your car!
LD: What is it? I can’t do anything in the city without you watching me, following me?
Wanda: I told you I ‘m shooting here all week.
LD: He just happened to be there when I turned around to put the alarm on! That’s not my fault!
Wanda: You saw the black man; you just thought "let me lock my car". You put the alarm on. The black man made you go "Let me lock my car!"
LD: I just, I just haven’t done it yet, that’s all.
Wanda: And do you think a black man would want that piece of shit?
LD: Piece of shit? How dare you? Piece of shit?
Wanda: Yeah, have a look! It’s a toy car. No black man wanna toy car, a black man want a get up and go!
LD: I didn’t think the black man wanted the car.
Wanda: So look. Did aaah, did you hear back from Martin about my script?
LD: Yeah!
Wanda: And? [Larry shrugs]. What?
LD: Sorry to say! Didn’t like it! It happens!
Wanda: Well, did you tell him I was black?
LD: No!
Wanda: Why didn’t you tell him I was black?
LD: I don’t know! Why should I?
Wanda: It makes a big difference! Larry, you don’t know when to play the card! You know, white guys, they love this shit.Well "Oh, look at me, I’m liberal! Helping a black person." You should know better. That’s when you tell somebody they’re black.
LD: Alright, I’ll tell him you’re black., okay? Fine.
Wanda: Tell him, I’m like a brown skin black, not black skin. Make sure I am not real black...
[Larry walks away]
LD: Hope, I don’t see you for a while! Getting sick of you!
Wanda: Take your sick ass into hospital.
Scene: In the waiting room. This time, Larry is reading a Golf magazine. He seems really interested and even tries a golf tip he learns from the magazine.
Receptionist: Mr. David?
Larry hears his name, but cannot stop reading. He puts a finger into the air as to signalize that he needs one more minute.Finally he approaches the register desk!
LD: Can I say that this is fantastic. The magazines? What an improvement. Unbelievable.
[The Receptionist tries to look interested]
LD: I gotta tell you something. It’s one of the few times in my life anyone has ever taken my advice. It’s a pleasure.
Receptionist: Well, the doctor’s waiting to see you.
LD: Okay!
Scene: In the doctor’s room. Larry is again on the treadmill.
LD: Know what I say to you now?
Doc: What do you say to me, Larry?
LD: Keep me waiting! Can I tell you something?
Doc: Tell me everything!
LD: That was the best waiting room-experience I ever had.
Doc: Glad you’re happy.
LD: I’m very happy.
Doc: Good for you! I’m seeing right here that you’re happy [points to the screen which displays Larry’s body functions.] Nice job, and did you notice I got Golf?
LD: I saw the Golf! I picked up a nice tip!
[Suddenly Renee enters. Again, she looks quite sexy. Larry notices her and tries looking at various directions]
Renee: Hey, Larry!
LD: Hey! [Larry successfully ignores Renee with his eyes]
Renee [to Doc]: Oh, Bernie Duisenberry called. I was able to reschedule his appointment. He will be here in ten minutes!
Doc: Oh, very good!
[Again, Larry’s pulse is audible and it is getting faster and faster.]
Renee: Alright! Bye, Larry!
Scene: Larry and Cheryl in bed. Again, they are watching a Seinfeld show.
Seinfeld [on TV]: And the dispenser was destroyed virtually beyond recogniton!
[Larry again has the heart-holter. Awkwardly, he inspects all the wires.]
Cheryl: Oh did I tell you that the surrogate changed her mind. She’s gonna give the baby to the Dusenberry’s.
Larry: Really?
Cherly: Yeah!
LD: Hey, that’s great.
Cheryl: Yeah.
LD: Hey, you know what? I got good news, too.
CD: You do?
LD: Penis is healed.
CD: Ahh.
LD: As soon as I get rid of this heart-holter, I’m back in business, baby! [From the Seinfeld show you can hear laughter]
Seinfeld [on TV]: I can’t do those things! [That was the last line of the show. Larry turns off the TV. The phone rings.]
CD: That’s Marilyn.
LD: Marilyn!
CD: Don’t pick it up. I’m not talking to her tonight.
[They turn off the lights.]
CD: Good night!
LD: Good Night.
[Camera stays on the telephone. The machine goes on:]
LD [on answering machine]: Hi, please leave your name and number, and someone will get back to you. Thank you.
IS: This is Irving Schwimmer: You motherfucking cocksucking son of a bitch bastard! Who the fuck do you think you are? You bald son of a…
[Credits with "Frolic"]
Posted by Stan The Caddy at February 11, 2004 11:59 AM | TrackBack
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