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The Surrogate - Script

Directed by: Larry Charles
First aired: February 22, 2004

Guest Starring:
Mel Brooks  (himself)
David Schwimmer  (himself)
Richard Lewis  (himself)
Muggsy Bogues  (himself)
Wanda Sykes  (Wanda)

Featuring:
Eric Alexander  (car alarm offendee)
Garcelle Beauvais-Nilon  (Renee)
Elizabeth Beckwith  (surrogate)
Eliza Coyle  (Betty Dusenberry)
Jack Gallagher  (doctor)
Mark Griffin  (paramedic #1)
Jack Heller  (Irving Schwimmer)
Frank John Hughes  (angry driver)
Thomas Jones  (valet offendee)
Melissa McCarthy  (saleswoman)
Masasa  (nurse)
Jane Piper  (receptionist))
Murray Rubin  (elderly man)
Ryan Yu  (paramedic #2)

Transcripted by: Scirocco (Simon Rosenberg)

Scene: Larry and Cheryl in bed watching TV. The last seconds of Seinfeldís "Puffy Shirt" show are running. Larry and Cheryl both smile.

Larry David (LD): Ahh, good show.

Cheryl David (CD): Good show.

Phone rings.

LD: Ahhh, geez.

CD: Oh my God!

LD: Donít answer it! I donít wanna talk to her.

CD: Why does she have to call after every episode?

LD: I donít knowÖ Iím not here.

Cheryl picks up the phone.

CD: Hello? Hi, Marilyn. Yeah, we just watched itÖ Yeah, I know, it was one of the good onesÖ.Heís actuallyÖ heís unavailable. Hmmhmm, okayÖ bye!

She puts away the phone.

CD (to Larry): imitates Marilynís voice. ĎTell him it was one of my favourite episodes. Tell him Marylin says Ďhi!", Tell him it gets better every time I see it.í

LD: Ahh, God! I canít believe this woman has to call after every single show.

CD: Does it ever end with this lady? Changes topic. What are you doing tomorrow?

LD: Iím getting my physical for "The Producers".

CD: Could you do me a favour? Will you pick up a present for the Dusenberryís baby shower?

LD: Me?

CD: Youíre gonna be right there, thereís a toy store right Ö

LD: You wanna trust me with something like that? A gift for a baby?

CD: Just get a doll or something.

LD: So, you wanna get me a doll for Betty?

CD: Get a doll for Betty, itís her baby shower.

LD: What about the surrogate? Get her anything?

CD: I donít think you need to worry about the surrogate.

LD: I donít know about that. I think the surrogate is a person, too! Sheís having the baby!

CD: The shower is for Betty.

LD: So, sheís gonna opening her presents, the surrogate is gonna be standing there like an idiot and she has nothing to open? The whole thingísÖ whatís the surrogate etiquette?

CD: Okay, use your judgement, whatever you think. If thatís what you wanna do, thatís fine.

She starts stroking Larryís belly.

LD: (laughs) Hey Charly, whatís going on??

CD: (laughs) What? What?

LD: Hey you know I canít do anything.

CD: Because the dog bit your penis?

LD: YeeesÖ

CD: So, youÖ

LD: Itís not ready, Iím not ready, Iím sorry, Iím sorry, a couple of more days.

Scene: Doctorís waiting room. Larry browses through the magazines. He is evidently disappointed.

Receptionist: Mr. David?

Larry walks to the reception desk.

LD: Can I make an observation? That magazine collectionÖ you really need to do something about that. Iím not complaining, Iím just, just making an observation.

Receptionist: looks at him uninterested The doctorís ready to see you.

LD: Okay. JustÖ you know, just for your informationÖFYI kinda thing.

Receptionist: points with her finger Right that way.

LD: Okay.

He walks off-screen.

Scene: In the doctorís room. Larryís on the treadmill, the doctor is checking Larryís activities. Larryís pulse is made audible by a beeping sound.

LD: What are you doing? Stealing your magazines from garbage cans? I have never seen such a collection of shit in my life.

Doc: Alright.

LD: They are all to four years old those things!

Doc: We have other things that we think about; Other than the magazines. Things like giving people medical assistance!

LD: Ladyís Home Journal from 2001, People Magazine: TOM CRUISE IS 40! EMILIO ESTEVEZ IS 40! WOW, GOOD FOR THEM! THEYíRE 40!

Doc: Okay, good, you knowÖ it sounds like you are reading a lot of these magazines you donít like.

LD: I was looking at them out there; it was right on the cover.

Doc: You got a lot of that stuff memorized.

LD: Gimme a golf magazine or something.

Doc: Okay, I get the point.

LD: Get something Iím interested in! Get Nation! How about Nation? You read Nation?

Doc: I have read Nation, itís a good one.

Renee, the nurse, enters.

Renee: Hi Larry!

LD: Hi Renee!

Nurse: How are you feeling?

Larryís pulse gets faster. Rene has to bend down to retrieve some files. Larry cannot restrain from peeping at her cleavage. The longer he stares, the faster his pulse gets.

Doc: Larry, how are you feeling?

Scene: Larry and the doc are sitting at a desk. The nurse is working in the background.

Doc: Okay, unfortunately, I canít give you a clean bill of health at this point.Yeah, I donít know what happened. There was a little, slight abnormality. We were going along great andÖ you kind of spiked a little there and I canít sign the form for you!

Larry looks behind and sees Renee.

LD: I... believe me, there is nothing wrong with me. Iím fine, Jack, Iím fine. Trust me, Iím fine.

Doc: Larry, I canít sign the form for you without taking some precautions, okay? And hereís what we gonna do. Itís simple, come on.

LD: There is no Irregularity.

Doc: Yes, there is, Larry! I went to medical school! I know! So, what we gonna do is this, listen! Itís simple. Iím going to give you a device called a heart holter, okay?

LD: This is ridiculous.

Doc: Larry, I have to do it, I have to do it. Straps on, couple of electrodes, you wear Ďem for 24 hours, it measures your hearbeat, you come back and if this was an abnormality, an aberration, the device will confirm it, you get back on the treadmill for five minutes, I sign the slip and youíre off to Broadway.

(to Renee) Renee? Do you have the holter; do you wanna get that to Larry?

(to Larry): Larry? Iím gonna schedule you for an appointment tomorroy. Donít be a baby. Let Renee do this, will you, please? Come on!

Renee: Please stand up.

Larry stands up.

Renee without noticing, she speaks with quite a seductive voice: Will you take off your jacket, Larry? Great, itís really easy. Here we goÖ there (puts the straps on Larryís chest.) you go. Thatís itÖthereÖ

Scene: Larry and Richard (RL) in a café.

RL: So Iím gonna tell you what happened last night. I took Renee home, you know, and we stopped and...

LD: I just saw her at Dr. Jackís. Sheís unbelievable.

RL: Yeah, sheís beyond an unbelievable, but the point of it is, IÖ have you ever met her with an Afro-American?

LD: Yes. Twice.

RL: What? Same one twice orÖ

LD: Two different ones.

RL: Same time??

LD: No! Same timeÖ two different ones.

RL: I see it right now. So, the reasonÖ I never, I never dated with a black, with a black chick.

LD: So what? So you never met one,

RL: No one I reallyÖ

LD: OkayÖshe will be the first.

RL: This woman is extraordinary, soÖ hereís the thing: a couple of months ago, I went to a Knick-Game, and I went to the locker-room seeing a lot of my friends, and they were showering and I lookedÖ I saw one of the forwards, and he just threw the towel off when he was getting dressed and I looked down andÖ

LD: Big, yeah.

RL: Big?

LD: Huge?

RL: They could put the Chicago fire out with thisÖ It was a joke. It was like from another planet.

LD: Well, Heís a big guy, heís a forward. You need to see a guard. Did you see a guard? You canít tell by a forward theyíre too big! Itís outta proportion!

RL: I donít care! Itís me and Renee! And maybe because, sheís black, she maybe datesÖ

LD: So you think a black woman might be used toÖ

RL: Well after usedÖ if thatís not a mythÖ

LD: Yeah, it can be a concern!

RL: I donít know whether I would ever wanna have intercourse with her because Iím a littleÖ Iím intimidated. And youíre one of a few friends I can tell that.

LD: Okay, well maybe then I canÖ I can step in. I got that tenth anniversary present. Iím saying if youíre too, you know, too intimidated to go through with itÖ I could tryÖ

RL: A good friend doesnít do that! You donít, you donít have intercourse with someone who your friend doesnít have to screwÖ
LD: Why? Would be a nice tenth anniversary present for me.

RL: Iíd rather go to Tiffanyís and get you a ball.

LD: (laughs) I donít wanna ballÖ

Scene: Larry and Richard exit the Café. A black guy in a suit stands outside, waiting.

LD (to RL): Bye.

RL leaves. Larry takes out his valet ticket, hands it to the black guy.

LD: Here you go.

Guy Takes the ticket and looks a bit irritated. He reads the ticket.

Guy: Yeah, Iím not the valet!

LD: Oh, Iím sorry, IímÖ

Guy: YeahÖ It is possible for black people to have other jobs.

LD: I know, I know of course.

Guy: Yeah, yeah, I already know.

LD: No, becauseÖ

Guy: Itís because Iím black!

LD: Iím sorry!

Guy: Yeah. You fucked up!

LD: Sorry, sorry.

Guy leavesÖ After he vanishes out of shot, we see Wanda standing a few feet in the background, arms crossed, focussing Larry. He sees her, and waves weakly. Wanda walks towards him.

Wanda: So, you automatic think the black man is the valet guy!

LD: No, no I donít automaÖ.

Wanda: Yes, you did, I saw it.

LD: Heís standing by the valetÖ

Wanda: Get my car, boy.

LD: HeÖ

Wanda: I saw it, Larry!

LD: He had on a white shirt, a red tie and a vest, heís standing by the valet signÖ itís an honest mistake!

Wanda: Oh, oh yeah, thatís honest! Anytime I see a black man in a tie and a suit I say: ĎHey, you must park cars for a living!í

LD: I feel it was an honest mistake.

Wanda: No, noÖmaybe if it was a white man standing here, then you would notÖ

LD: I would have given him the valet ticket.

Wanda: You would notÖ

LD: I would too!

Wanda: No, you would have asked himÖ

LD: I would too!

Wanda: Önot!

LD: Too!

Wanda: Not! You would have asked him for a stock tip...or... It is all youÖ where are you going?

Larry: Oh yeah, right. Howís the filming going?

Wanda: Yeah, itís, itís good. [turns around] Weíre shooting over there. Having a little break!

Larry: Let me ask you a question. Youíve slept withÖ a lot of white man, a lot of black man, Iím sureÖ Is there any discernable difference?

Wands [looks astonished and insulted]: What??

LD: Let me rephrase that! Let me rephrase that!

Wanda: Yeah, rephrase it!

Larry: uhm, is there any discernable differenceÖ between a white man and a black manÖ you knowÖ [points at his crotch and indicates "size" with his hands].

Wanda: Why would you ask me something like that, Larry?

Larry: My friend wants to know. Why? Whatís the big deal?

Wanda: I am NOT gonna answer that!

[Larry suddenly hits himself in the face, spits involuntarily]

Wanda: What is that? What the fuck is that youíre doing?

Larry: A bug, itís a bug. I had a bug on me.

Wanda: Well, did you get my script to that guy? That MartinÖ

Larry: Ohhh, oh yeah! Everythingís okay as long as I do you a little favour!

Wanda: Did he get my script?

Larry: Yes, he did!

Wanda: And?

Larry: And what? I gave it to him; heíll read it and get back to you.

Wanda: Heís not gonna re-write it, is he?

Larry: No!

Wanda: Okay, cos thatís my baby!

Larry: Oh yeah, yeah.

Wanda: I wouldnít want anybody messing with my baby!

Larry: No-oneís gonna mess with your baby. Donít worry about it.

Wanda: Iím going back to work.

LD: Yeah, go back to your work.

Wanda: messing with youÖ [walks back to work]

LD [Holds up his valet ticket and shouts:] Is there any black man around here? Is there a valet? I need a black man to get my car. [looks around] Is there a black man in the area who wants to take my valet ticket?

[Wanda turns around and gives Larry a disapproving look. Larry looks at her, smiles and waves]

Scene: Toy store. Larry looks at a shelf with only one doll left. He calls a saleswoman (SW).

LD: Excuse me.

SW: Yeah. Hi!

LD: You work here?

SW: Sure.

LD: Is this, is this the only doll?

SW: Yeah, thatís the only one left.

LD: Thatís it?

SW: Yeah, last one.

[Larry takes the doll from the shelf and looks at it.]

SW: Ainít that cute?

LD: Whatís the race on this doll?

SW: Ah, itís biracial.

LD: Biracial? Really?

SW: Yeah! Absolutely!

LD: Ahh, so they make these dolls specificially for mixed couples? For black and white couples? They make a doll for their kids?

SW: I donít know.

LD: If somebodyís Asian and they marry a white person, are they making a sort of half-Asian, half Ėwhite, too? See, what Iím getting at?

SW: Yeah. I think thatísÖ yah. [she makes quite a dull impression]

LD: Hm. I wonder if you do.

[SW laughs politely as she understands the remark. Larry smiles at her reaction]

LD: Okay. Ahmm, well, I guess Iíll take it.

SW: Excellent. Let me wrap it up for you.

LD: Okay.

SW: Okay.

Scene: At the Dusenberryís baby shower. The couple is opening the presents surrounded by their friends. The surrogate stands a bit away and, exactly like Larry predicted, she feels like not being part of it.

Mrs D[usenberry]: Oh, it says Ďmeowí. Is that adorable? Oh, I love it. Thank you so much.

[Larry enters with two presents; puts them down next to the couple and goes to Cheryl.]

Cheryl [whispers to Larry]: Thank you! You made it! [They kiss, and Cheryl notices the heart holter attached to Larryís trousers.] Whatís this??

LD: Itís my heart; instrumented (??) to my heart!

CD: What??

LD: No, no! Iím fine. There was an abberationÖ

CD: What? Oh, my God, Whatís happened? [Feels his breast].

LD: No, Iíve got wires under there!

CD: Are you okay? What does that mean?

LD: No, Iím fine, there was something wrong with the machine and the doctor wonít sign over thisÖItís nothing.

CD: How long do you have to wear this?

LD: Just a dayÖ Doesnít Bernie Dusenberry look like Steven de Marco?

CD: No!

LD: Are you kidding? He looks exactly like him!

CD: No!

LD: Yes!

CD: They donít look anything alike.

LD: Anytime I ever point out that somebody looks like someone else you always disagree.

CD: Because they never do.

LD: They always do!

CD: They never do.

LD: Hey watch, sheís opening our gift!

CD: Okay!

Mrs D: This is from the DavidísÖ [Opens present] Oh, itís a doll! [Shows it to the people, they cheer]

LD [to all]: Itís a mulatto! [Everyone gets quiet] No good?

Mrs D: Biracial is what we call it usually!

LD: Biracial. Huh, what do you know about that?

Mrs.D: Oh, they gave us another one, too!

LD: Thatís actually for the surrogate!

[The couple looks at each other in astonishment]

Mrs D: OhÖ [Surrogate goes to her and grabs the present.] Well, thatís it gang, why donít we have some coffee, or some dessert, cos thatís it.

Mr D: [to all] Thank you guys for coming, and thank you for the gifts.

[Cheryl looks angrily at Larry]

LD [to Cheryl]: What? [She doesnít say anything; Larry walks away to the surrogate [S]]

S: Hi!!

LD: Hey!

S: Thank you so much!

LD: Youíre welcome.

S: I didnít expect it.

LD: Youíre the one carrying the baby! Thatís your baby!

S: I didnít expect I so thank you!

LD: AhhhÖ

S: Very unneccessary! Well, what do you do?

LD: Iím a witer.

S: Oh, thatís cool!

LD: Sounds good, yeah!

S: Yeah!

LD: Sometimes though itís not such a great job. You know, like, for example I got this friend. She just gave this script to me to give to somebodyÖ She said ĎDonít let him touch my babyí, you know? Cos thatís what they do. You work on something months and months, then they take it away from you, and then, thatís it! You never see it again, they take your baby from you, they give your baby to somebody else, and thatís it! Youíve lost complete contact with your baby! You never see the baby again, and itís your baby! And they take it to another writer, and that writer doesnít let you even look at your baby.

S: Thatís part of your job, thatís what you signed up for, I mean, you knew, we had to give it away.

LD: Still, itís hard to give up that baby!

S: [feels more and more uncomfortable] I mean in a few years you can see how your scripts do Ö

LD: Yeah, I know but then itís all changed, you have nothing to do with it. EhhÖ Alright. Wanna get some coffee?

[Surrogate shakes her head. She feels obviously confused and touches her belly]

Scene: Rehearsal room. Larry and David Schwimmer (DS) are rehearsing a scene. Mel Brooks enters as they are performing.

LD: It was shocking, outrageous insulting and I loved every minute of it.

DS: No way, Harold.

LD [spots Brooks]: Hey.

MB: How are you, how are you?

DS: Hey!

MB: I am thorougly impressed.

Schwimmer: Oh, come on.

MB: Yes, surprisingly good. [sees that Larry still works with the script]. Still on the book? You donít have it under your belt yet? Why?

Schwimmer: Funny you should mention that.

MB: Why?

DS: We open; we open in three and a half weeks.

LD: Yeah, I know.

MB: I mean, everytime you work, he always has the script?

DS: Yes! Everytime!

MB: Always?

LD: Okay, Iíll be fine. You know, I have a problem memorizing stuff. Iíll be alright.

MB: Did you guys get your test results back, the insurance companyÖ

DS: Yes, yes, here, I got mineÖ here. [gets it]. Clean bill of healthÖ with flying colours I might add.

MB: Oh, resultsÖ Iím proud of you. [to Larry] And you, yourÖ whereís your little paper?

LD: I had a little bit of a ahem...problem.

MB [sees the heart-holter looking out of Larryís shirt]: What the hell is that? What is that?

LD: Yeah, I didÖ

DS: What is that?

LD: Itís called a heart-holter.

MB: Heart-holter?

LD: Iím fine, Iím fine, I just didnít pass the physical, thatís all.

MB: What?

LD: I didnít passÖ

DS: What are you talking about?

LD: Thereís nothing wrong with me.

DS: You mean you are too old for this, is that what youíre saying?

LD: No, no, no, Iím not too old for it, believe me. It was a fluke, Iím fine, thereís nothing wrong with me.

DS [to Mel]: Seriously after three, like, shuffle ball chainsÖ

LD [to Schwimmer]: Hey, you wanna race me? You wanna go out? Wanna go to the parking lot?

DS: Yeah, right now, Iíll go right now!

MB: FellowsÖ

LD: Really? Good! Put your shoes, put your sneakers on. Letís

DS: I donít even need sneakers, IÖ

MB: Letís stop being juvenile.

DS: Iím not beingÖ

MB: Letís not race himÖ Now look folks.

Irving Schwimmer (IS) enters

DS: Excuse me, Iím sorry [goes to his dad] Hey dad!

LD: [to Mel] You donít think I can beat him in a race?

MB: I donít think you can beat him in a race.

LD: Oh, can I tell you what happened? Iím on the treadmill, taking the stress test, okay?

[Camera changes to Schwimmer and his Dad]

IS: Here are the pictures from Spain.

DS: Oh, from SpainÖ

IS: I thought you might like thatÖ

IS: Oh, thatís excellentÖ

[Camera back on LD and Mel]

LD: When she comes in that room again, tomorrow, when I take the test, Iíll be looking at that ceiling, I can tell you that!

MB: Okay, thatís great! Alright, I think youíre gonna be fine.

LD: Thereís nothing wrong with me, Iím fine.

MB: Okay, good, good [runs his hand over his face]

LD: Did I just spit on you?

MB: No, no, no, no.

LD: Okay, cos you went like that [imitates him]

MB: No, no! I just, I always do that. When I sweatÖ

LD: I noticed that, cos youíre always rubbing your face.

MB: Victim of largling (?), and they donít mind you: ĎGypo! Gypo Nolan!í You remember? From The Informer? Gypo! Gypo Nolan!

LD: Gypo Nolan, yeah [smiles]

[David and his dad approach them]

DS: Excuse me, Iím sorry. Can I introduce you to my dad? My dad is a huge fan. This is Irving, Irving Schwimmer.

IS: Itís a huge privilege.

MB: Irving Schwimmer! [shakes his hand]. Pleasure to meet you!

IS: Iím looking forward to seeing your show. Iíve been a fan of yours for years!

DS: For ever!

MB: I really appreciate that! Would you guys excuse me for just one minute? Okay! [leaves]

DS: [to Irving Schwimmer] you finally got to meet him!

Dad: Yes, I finally did. So, you like those pictures?

Schwimmer: Yeah!

Dad: Good, good. AndÖ

DSr: [reluctantly] Dad, this is Larry!

LD: Hi, how are you doing? [shakes his hand]. Nice to meet you.

IS: Right!

DS: So, these are great. [to Larry:]My parents went to Spain. [Shows Larry a picture]

LD: Ahh,

IS: Well, Iíd better be taking off.

LD: Wow, are those genitals? What is that on this bull? Oh my God? [Irving Schwimmer leaves] You told him about the whole cashew-raisin thing, right? You know, weíre talking! You donít have to go back and "Larry sÖ."

DS: Are you kidding?

LD: I know you said something

DS: Of course I said something, it was you suggestion Mr. Constructive Criticism!

LD: Hey, heís putting four kashews in a bag. He deserves constructive criticism.

DS: OkayÖ go on about it!

LD: I wanna call him! Seriously!

DS: I donít think so!

LD: I just like to call him and apologize.

DS: I donít feel comfortable with you calling my dad!

LD: David! Iím gonna apologize. Iím gonna be very nice. Believe me! I promise, okay?

DS: Just call before seven!

LD: [takes out his notebook] Okay, whatís his number?

DS: Three one oh, eight five eightÖ

Scene: On a street. Larry stops his car, looks up the number and then dials.

IS (on answering machine): This is Irving Schwimmer. Please leave a message at the tone.*beeb*

LD: Hi Mr. Schwimmer, this is Larry David. I just wanna sayÖ [A car hits Larryís car from behind. He furiously looks back and yells:] You fucking asshole! Whatís your fucking problem you prick? Jesus! [Larry exits the car and yells at the driver] What the hell is wrong with you?

Driver: What the fuck you think you are talking to? [He goes to the trunk and gets a tire iron]

LD: What the hell youíre doing here? You bumped into my car?

Driver: You think I hit your car? Now Iím gonna fucking hit you! Right in your fucking head! [he approaches Larry]

LD [gets scared and thus fakes a hear attack]: AAAh, Aaah, ah my heart, ah [sticks his hand under his shirt and pulls off the wires]

Driver: What are you doing? What is this [Now he is scared] Is it your heart? Alright, alright, just calm down, calm down. Donít take them off! Leave Ďem on.You shouldnít have taken them off! Alright, ahh, alrightÖoh Christ. I donít know CPR [to people on streets] Ey, somebody call an ambulance! Call an ambulance! Call 911! Send Ďem to the park! Come on! [to Larry] Hang it in! Can you breathe? Keep breathing, alright? Whatever you do, donít stop breathing! Just keep doing that! [All around people are staring. Someone has a cellphone] You gotta phone?

Scene: Still on the street. Larry is on a stretcher, the paramedics are just about to put him into the ambulance.

LD: Seriously! The guy was coming after me with a tire iron! I faked the whole thing! Do you hear what Iím saying? This is ridiculous! Thereís nothing wrong with me! This is just so unnecessary! Seriously! [The paramedics close the door and drive to the hospital. Meanwhile, Larry is staring out of the window. Suddenly he sees a crowd running after someone. After a few seconds he sees the reason! It is the surrogate running away with the panda Larry bought her in her arms]

Scene: In hospital. Larry is in bed and talks to a biracial nurse.

Nurse: I dated both! Black men, white men. And there really isnít a difference.

LD: Aha.

Nurse: Itís really, just kind of a myth.

LD: Thatís a myth? Boy, too bad for the black guys.

Nurse: I know, I know. You know, I speak from both sides cos Iím half black, and half white

LD: You gotta tan!

Nurse: Yeah.

LD: I just bought a mulatto doll today!

Nurse: hesitates Okay, we donít really use Ďmulattoí anymore, okay?

LD: I was wondering about that. If that was a bad one.

Nurse: Yeah, itís a bit outdated.

LD: Okay.

Nurse: But if we all keep fucking each other, then weíre gonna be the same race sooner or later, anyway.

LD [crosses his fingers] letís pray for that!

Nurse: I do!

[Cheryl enters]

LD: Hello! Hey!

CD: Are you okay?

LD: This is Masasa [points to nurse]

CD: Hi, Iím Cheryl. Nice to meet you!

Nurse: Hi! Mrs. David, nice to meet you.

LD: Do you think, do you think that a biracial person would need sunblock? Would you think thatÖ?

CD: IÖ IÖ I have not thought about that.

Nurse: I guess he had to be there, anyway. Okay, Mrs. David, it was lovely meeting you and good luck to you. She leaves

LD: Thank you.

CD: Oh my God, what happened?

LD: Oh, Iím perfectly fine.

CD: Are you?

LD: Absolutely, perfectly fine.

LD: There was a road rage incident and the guy came out of his car with a tire iron and wanted to kill me. So, you know I had the heart holter and I faked I was having a heart attack. I pulled the wires out.

CD: You did what?

LD: I faked like I was having a heart attack, so he wouldnít kill me!

CD: So, thereís nothing wrong with you?

LD: No, Iím fine!

CD: Then why am I here? Why are you in a hospital bed right now?

LD: What are you talking about? They took me to the hospital because of the heart attack..

CD: So, youíre taking up a hospital bed because youíre afraid of some weird guy in the traffic?

LD: Weird guy? He had a tire iron, he could have killed me!

CD: If youíre in hospital and you are calling me to rush over and help you, I would think that there was something wrong with you.

LD: So, youíd rather come in here and see me with broken legs.

CD: Well, Iíd rather not see you and see you chatting it up with the nurse!

LD: Well, Iím not allowed to talk to a nurse?

CD: [screaming now] Youíre having a good time in the hospital

LD: I donít understand. You just wanted somebody to kill me? Is that what you wanted? You would prefer that?

CD: By the way. What did you say to the surrogate? Sheís gone into labor. Sheís here in the hospital. And sheís not gonna give the baby up. What did you tell her? She said she had a talk with you.

LD: I didnít say anything.

CD: Well, you must have said something because Bernie Dusenberry is looking for you cos he wants to kick your ass!

LD: Thatís a quote?

CD: Itís a quote!

Scene: In elevator. It is crowded. Larry and Cheryl are in the middle of the people. An old guy is talking to himself:

Old man: Those bastards! The fourth time Iíve been here. And I still canít get that colostomy bag to fit. It doesnít fit! And the insurance company wonít pay for it. Full all the time. I donít understand why they just donít take care.

[Door opens, outside, the surrogate is in a wheelchair with her baby in her arms. The nurse behind the wheelchair carries the bear she got from Larry! He sees her, then yells.]

LD: What are you doing? You canít keep that baby! I was talking about a script. I want that panda back! [door closes again]

Scene: In a building. Larry is with Richard Lewis again. They are on their way to the menís room.

LD: So, I spoke to this nurse. Sheís biracial.

RL: BiÖ what do you mean, biracial?

LD: Half black, half white. Mulatto.

RL: Bisexual?

LD: Mulatto? They donít say mulatto anymore. She got mad at me. But anyway, she says sheís been with black men and white men. And she said there is no difference, soÖ

RL: Really?

LD: Yeah.

RL: Thatís fantastic.

LD: Aha. Look at that! Look at that!

RL: Yeah! How fantastic is that!

LD: Is that good news?

RL: Wow, Iím reallyÖ this is great news, by the way.

LD: Iím gonna see Renee too this afternoon. I got my physical again.

RL: Oh really? Wow, cool.

[They are standing now in front of the urinals, they leave one urinal between them]

LD: Did I tell you Ďbout Bernie Dusenberryís. That heís gonna kick my ass. Did I mention that?

RL: You mean the big guy?

LD: Yeah, the big guy!

RL: Well, well, wellÖ..

[Muggsy Bogues enters.]

RL: Holy shit!

LD: Hey! Muggsy Bogues  ?

Muggsy: Yes!

LD: Alright, hey, how are you doing? Iím not gonna shake your hand, Iím in the bathroom!

Muggsy: I appreciate that!

RL: This man has bathroom etiquette!

LD: I havenít touched anything yet, I just want you to know.

Muggsy: Okay!

RL: Iím a huge fan, man. Huge fan.

Muggsy: Thank you.

RL: [to Larry] One of the great guards of all time.

LD: I know. Absolutely. We really enjoy watching you play.

Muggsy: Thank you, thanks a lot.

RL: Nice to meet you, man.

LD: Pleasure to meet you. Go ahead [they Ďofferí him the urinal in the middle, and all start peeing. After a view seconds both Larry and Richard peak down. Both are astonished, both mouth "wow". Suddenly Muggsy realizes that Larry is staring]

Muggsy: WHAT THE FUCK?? What are you looking at? [Larry moves away, he is scared as Muggsy follows him] You looking at me? Are you crazy??? [Larry again fakes a heart-attack and pulls off his wires and screams as if in pain.]

Muggsy: Are you okay? Are you alright?

Scene: In front of hospital. Larry exits the car. He is singing. When he is walking towards the entrance, a black guy in casual clothes passes him by. Larry then turns around and turns his car-alarm on with his infrared-key. The car makes the typical beep. Suddenly, the black guy turns around..

BlackGuy: Think Iím gonna steal your car?

LD: No, no, I just forgot to, to put the alarm onÖ. Itís not you! No race thing! No, no race thing!

Black guy: Asshole! [He continues walking]

LD: No, I donít even need the alarm on. Look! I turn it off [turns alarm off]. Look!

Black Guy continues his way. Again, Wanda is in the background and stares at Larry. She walks to him.

Wanda: There again, huh? So what? The black man and a suit parks cars; black man, no suit he gonna steal your car!

LD: What is it? I canít do anything in the city without you watching me, following me?

Wanda: I told you I Ďm shooting here all week.

LD: He just happened to be there when I turned around to put the alarm on! Thatís not my fault!

Wanda: You saw the black man; you just thought "let me lock my car". You put the alarm on. The black man made you go "Let me lock my car!"

LD: I just, I just havenít done it yet, thatís all.

Wanda: And do you think a black man would want that piece of shit?

LD: Piece of shit? How dare you? Piece of shit?

Wanda: Yeah, have a look! Itís a toy car. No black man wanna toy car, a black man want a get up and go!

LD: I didnít think the black man wanted the car.

Wanda: So look. Did aaah, did you hear back from Martin about my script?

LD: Yeah!

Wanda: And? [Larry shrugs]. What?

LD: Sorry to say! Didnít like it! It happens!

Wanda: Well, did you tell him I was black?

LD: No!

Wanda: Why didnít you tell him I was black?

LD: I donít know! Why should I?

Wanda: It makes a big difference! Larry, you donít know when to play the card! You know, white guys, they love this shit.Well "Oh, look at me, Iím liberal! Helping a black person." You should know better. Thatís when you tell somebody theyíre black.

LD: Alright, Iíll tell him youíre black., okay? Fine.

Wanda: Tell him, Iím like a brown skin black, not black skin. Make sure I am not real black...

[Larry walks away]

LD: Hope, I donít see you for a while! Getting sick of you!

Wanda: Take your sick ass into hospital.

Scene: In the waiting room. This time, Larry is reading a Golf magazine. He seems really interested and even tries a golf tip he learns from the magazine.

Receptionist: Mr. David?

Larry hears his name, but cannot stop reading. He puts a finger into the air as to signalize that he needs one more minute.Finally he approaches the register desk!

LD: Can I say that this is fantastic. The magazines? What an improvement. Unbelievable.

[The Receptionist tries to look interested]

LD: I gotta tell you something. Itís one of the few times in my life anyone has ever taken my advice. Itís a pleasure.

Receptionist: Well, the doctorís waiting to see you.

LD: Okay!

Scene: In the doctorís room. Larry is again on the treadmill.

LD: Know what I say to you now?

Doc: What do you say to me, Larry?

LD: Keep me waiting! Can I tell you something?

Doc: Tell me everything!

LD: That was the best waiting room-experience I ever had.

Doc: Glad youíre happy.

LD: Iím very happy.

Doc: Good for you! Iím seeing right here that youíre happy [points to the screen which displays Larryís body functions.] Nice job, and did you notice I got Golf?

LD: I saw the Golf! I picked up a nice tip!

[Suddenly Renee enters. Again, she looks quite sexy. Larry notices her and tries looking at various directions]

Renee: Hey, Larry!

LD: Hey! [Larry successfully ignores Renee with his eyes]

Renee [to Doc]: Oh, Bernie Duisenberry called. I was able to reschedule his appointment. He will be here in ten minutes!

Doc: Oh, very good!

[Again, Larryís pulse is audible and it is getting faster and faster.]

Renee: Alright! Bye, Larry!

Scene: Larry and Cheryl in bed. Again, they are watching a Seinfeld show.

Seinfeld [on TV]: And the dispenser was destroyed virtually beyond recogniton!

[Larry again has the heart-holter. Awkwardly, he inspects all the wires.]

Cheryl: Oh did I tell you that the surrogate changed her mind. Sheís gonna give the baby to the Dusenberryís.

Larry: Really?

Cherly: Yeah!

LD: Hey, thatís great.

Cheryl: Yeah.

LD: Hey, you know what? I got good news, too.

CD: You do?

LD: Penis is healed.

CD: Ahh.

LD: As soon as I get rid of this heart-holter, Iím back in business, baby! [From the Seinfeld show you can hear laughter]

Seinfeld [on TV]: I canít do those things! [That was the last line of the show. Larry turns off the TV. The phone rings.]

CD: Thatís Marilyn.

LD: Marilyn!

CD: Donít pick it up. Iím not talking to her tonight.

[They turn off the lights.]

CD: Good night!

LD: Good Night.

[Camera stays on the telephone. The machine goes on:]

LD [on answering machine]: Hi, please leave your name and number, and someone will get back to you. Thank you.

IS: This is Irving Schwimmer: You motherfucking cocksucking son of a bitch bastard! Who the fuck do you think you are? You bald son of aÖ

[Credits with "Frolic"]

 

Posted by Stan The Caddy at February 11, 2004 11:59 AM | TrackBack
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