Festivus BlogA Festivus for the rest of us!
Welcome to the Festivus Blog. Here you can celebrate Festivus online. Post a blog entry in the spirit of Festivus. Feel free to air some grievances, excercise virtual feats of strength, make donations to the Human, etc. But please, no tinsel, as we find it distracting.
Smell and the City (Part I)
Ever been super hungry? You’re on amber alert for anything resembling food. The nose is on autopilot picking up scents from a block away. (The human olfactory senses are indeed impressive). The rest of your body naturally follows suit. Your neck cranes awkwardly and your pace quickens as you make your way to the aromatic source. Ah, the oh-so-yummy is only metres away.
Well, what really bothers me is when that source of the oh-so-yummy, isn’t really all that yummy. I don’t even know how to bring this up. It’s a tad shameful and I’m hoping that I’m not alone in this. (Alcoholics have Al-Anon, I need some support here too).
So, into a crowded place you walk. Your nose perks up, and like a bloodhound tracking down a fugitive, you seek out the odour. And yes, much like that dog, your breathing quickens into panting, and your arms flail like a wagging tail. After all, you are starving. “Here boy! Here boy!”, the odour calls out. To your disappointment, however, there is no food. Your disappointment quickly turns into confusion, and even quicker, the confusion into a “WTF!” For you know, you know damn right, that the odour can be only one other thing – yes - the delicious B.O.
The delicious B.O. is really not in fact delicious. It is beyond Beyond-B.O. In my experience the delicious B.O. usually comes from a little man - perhaps a little man in a tank top and a moustache. For the little man does not know any better as he emanates odours of tortilla chips, parmesan cheese and the deadliest of all, my favourite, butter chicken.
As I hold down the puke that has crept up my throat, I can only feel disgust and shame. To be fair, it’s not just disgust at the little man, but mostly disgust with myself. How can I be fooled yet again?
Much like those at Al-Anon, I go through steps. Much simpler and quicker steps mind you, but they are steps…in my mind I recall the emanation yet again, “It’s delicious…but it’s revolting…but it’s delicious”. So for all you little emanating men out there, do me a favour. Shave that moustache, I can’t stand the thought of food and hair!posted at 1:31 PM EDT | Discussion (0)
The episode where Kramers pants are too tight
Airing of grievances
Well it is that time of the year again. Festivus is upon us and that means it is time for the airing of grievances.
I want to start with the guy sitting two seats to the left of me in the movie No Country For Old Men. Tell me sir, why in this sober and quiet movie did you feel the need to attack your popcorn with a rage that would have made Hannibal Lector ashamed? Actually if I had only one question to ask you, it would be how the hell did you manage to chew that loud anyway? I mean, I felt like I was sitting next to Bugs Bunny eating a bad of carrots. It sounded like a gravel truck over there as you ravaged your path all the way to the very bottom of the popcorn bag. And then, am I crazy, or did you spend five minutes or so loudly LICKING the bottom of that bag?
Now I would like to expand this grievance to pretty much everyone else in every movie theatre I have been in this year. Not to put too fine a point on it, but shut up people! These means you especially teenage suburban girl. No one in the theatre paid hoping that they would get to hear you cackle and giggle and flirt and answer your phone during every single movie Hollywood offers. In fact we all would pay not to hear you, and I know at least I an a few others would pay to watch you shipped off to a camp of hardened Rwandan renegades to watch them do what they will with you. Now movie theater, I appreciate you brief attempt to hand out little radio buzzers so we can summon staff to clear up disturbances, but I think we both know that once your little teenage security staff shows up there is not a whole lot they can do to hunt down interlopers. Now if that device included an infrared laser to paint the target, then I think we could really get somewhere. Especially if it simultaneously called down a military strike. You, movie theatre business, have been complaining for years about the fall in ticket sales, and you still haven't figured out the problem yet? Really?
And while we are on the subject of movies, I do have to briefly air a grievance about the Writers Strike. OK, I get that with DVD's being the big money maker now, and them not getting any part of DVD sales, it is a bummer and unfair. But is now really the time for a strike. Now, when we are in the worst movie slump in like 20 years? You guys are getting paid a STANDERD $200,000 per script for big movies. That is $200,000 to the screen writer of Dukes of Hazard. You are striking so that guy could get paid more? You are striking so that the writer of I Am Legend can get paid more? There have already been TWO movies based on that book. TWO! How hard could pounding out a third remake have been? And if Will Smith says at some point in that movie "AH HELL NO!" then I swear to God......
What I'm saying is that I dare anyone to tell the difference in quality in movies and TV with these so called writers striking. Oh no, no more Bee Movies? No more Saw 4? How will we live?
Now the grievances are aired, let the feats of strength begin!
Does anyone know which episode
Does any one know the episode in which there is a formal dinner George's parents' house. A large group is assembled around the dining room table (maybe George's girlfriend was there). Everyone yells at one another in order around the table, ending with Georges dad saying "Ruth"posted at 10:14 AM EDT | Discussion (3)
out of order
I remember there's an episode that Jerry, in the beginning, says something like he hates going to his mother house because when he is eating she always says "since when do you like that?". I'd like to find that episode; I've searched de scripts, but I just can't find it. If you know what episode this is, I'd like to know it. Thanks a lot.posted at 10:35 AM EDT | Discussion (3)
A too forward tailor
I'm pretty certain I've seen it but can't remember the name of the episode... is there an incident where Jerry recommends to George his long time tailor and George is "felt up" when he visits to get his pants altered? George tells Jerry what happened and Jerry says he thought that that was standard practice for tailors? What episode is this in, or am I remembering the details wrong?posted at 11:39 PM EDT | Discussion (2)