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Mall Christmas Shoppers: Should They Live Or Die?

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PostPosted: October 11, 2005 7:49 PM 

Mall Christmas Shoppers: Should They Live Or Die?

People... they're the worst! We need rules in the shopping malls, and we need them NOW... just as we have on our roads.

If one is mindlessly browsing, window shopping, fixing a child's shoe lace, unsure of where exactly a particular store is, or doing anything else which causes one to either stop or slow down considerably.... GET OVER AND STAY TO THE FAR RIGHT or be shot on sight!

If, like me, one actually "knows where one is headed" and "what it is one wants to buy," before even arriving at the mall, one can stay in the middle lane (I know, lanes don't exist in malls... but that's my dream). one gets what one needs, one leaves, and is allowed to live. Simple.

RULE 3. anyone who suddenly stops, for any reason in front of people, whom they know damn well are walking right behind, they will be shot immediately by security and taken away. There are no tickets, no fines, and no warnings... People have had plenty of time to catch on to this. If one has any common sense, one is encouraged to bring it along.

No more bullsh*t! Enough is enough! You either make it, or you don't.

CHRISTMAS PARKING: Territorial Assholes
You've seen these people, especially at Christmas time, who sit in their cars and stall for long periods of time ONLY because they know you are waiting for the space. They're through with it, but they don't want YOU to have it. They either want you to impatiently drive away, or continue to suffer while you wonder if you'll ever get it so you can become as "superior" as them.

Have shopping mall Guard Towers. Once people get into their cars, they have twenty seconds to pull out or they are shot and their vehicles are picked up by giant magnetic cranes and flung into landfills so the next upcoming shoppers can have their chances at following the rules.

Let's keep things moving along, folks!
Happy Holidays!

Next week... "Cell Phone Cops: Lousy Thugs"

Cockeyed Optimist

Posts: 505

Reply: 1

PostPosted: October 11, 2005 8:54 PM 

*pictures heaps of soccer moms, obese women in ugly sweaters, and spoiled brats piled up next to dumpsters...and smiles*

So beautiful Crying or Very Sad

Pensky Material

Posts: 4301

Reply: 2

PostPosted: October 11, 2005 9:12 PM 

You are one, cold, son-of-a-bitch.

Cockeyed Optimist

Posts: 505

Reply: 3

PostPosted: October 11, 2005 9:26 PM 

This from the man who wants people sniped in their cars and blown away in public in front of thousands. This is your dream pal! We're just along for the ride!

p.s. according to my count I'm still a just Latex Salesman

Pensky Material

Posts: 4301

Reply: 4

PostPosted: October 11, 2005 9:41 PM 

First of all, I think you completely misunderstood what I said. I meant it in a complementary way. I mean, you know when people say "He's bad," it really means...

J. Chiles

Posts: 5078

Reply: 5

PostPosted: October 11, 2005 10:51 PM 

I'm still trying to get over the fact that Jimmy sees women the equal or better than Catherine Zeta at his mall everyday. Wink

cousin jeffrey
Pimple Popper, MD

Posts: 1841

Reply: 6

PostPosted: October 11, 2005 11:06 PM 

Yeah, especially being from Michigan. Confused

cousin jeffrey
Pimple Popper, MD

Posts: 1841

Reply: 7

PostPosted: October 11, 2005 11:17 PM 

But, yeah, I can't stand when people walking in front of you just suddenly stop. If you want to stop, there should be lanes with exits, just like driving. You need to rest? Take the fifth exit to the bench. You want to stand on an escalator, stay on the right side. Left side is the passing lane. Everybody knows that.

Sometimes I find myself taking the risk of going against oncoming traffic just to avoid having to bump into a slow-poke. It's a dangerous move, but if you pull it off, it's very rewarding.

Thank goodness, I don't buy gifts for people during the holidays. Selfishness is a lot less stressful.

Pensky Material

Posts: 4301

Reply: 8

PostPosted: October 12, 2005 12:00 AM 

I never said "better" than Caterine Zeta. I think I said "as good as" or something like that. But once they get to that level of hottness, there's really no where to go. We got no place to go.

And Jeffery. I've lived in six states (although never california), and of those six states, Michigan has, by far, the best-looking women, hands down. Florida having the worst.

cousin jeffrey
Pimple Popper, MD

Posts: 1841

Reply: 9

PostPosted: October 12, 2005 2:06 AM 

Well, personally I like my ladies with big black sunglasses, raisin skin and a goiter.

Cockeyed Optimist

Posts: 505

Reply: 10

PostPosted: October 13, 2005 2:53 PM 

I don't know if you all are ready for this, but Ohio women are absolutely amazing. Chicago is decent, but when I visit my buddy in Dayton, it's unreal. I swear there is a hottie factory churning the girls out there.

Bad Breaker Upper

Posts: 3477

Reply: 11

PostPosted: October 13, 2005 3:36 PM 

Well, that's all well and fine, but everyone knows that Americans come up to Montreal for the women. And the beer. Wait, maybe they come for the beer first, and then that's why the women look so good.

Pensky Material

Posts: 4301

Reply: 12

PostPosted: October 13, 2005 6:50 PM 

I have three words for Ohio chicks...

Boutros Boutros-Ghali!!!

cousin jeffrey
Pimple Popper, MD

Posts: 1841

Reply: 13

PostPosted: October 15, 2005 7:36 PM 

Ohio, here i come!!

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