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MY FINALE

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ScottyCougar







PostPosted: July 24, 2004 3:19 AM 

Ok, boys and girls, it's the moment you've all been waiting for. I will now officially recognize this as the final episode of the series, and those of you watching at home, feel free to do so as well. I'm particularly proud of the final scene. You may notice a few references to other famous finales. Let me know what you think, what you would have done differently, what you thought was funny, and so forth. Now, if you don't mind, I'm off to write the pilot for "Scotty Cougar's America". Enjoy.

SEINFELD- THE FINALE
BY: SCOTT SCHMITT
OPENING MONOLOGUE
JERRY: Itís always depressing when a once great TV show is on well past its prime. Take ďHappy DaysĒ for example. Do you realize that when the show ended, Fonzie was on Medicare? He went from saying ďAyyyyyyyyyyyy!Ē to ďAyyyyyyyyyyyyy, my back!Ē You know how he would hit the jukebox, you know, to get it to play? Well they had to end the show because he broke his hip doing that. ďCheersĒ is another show that was on a long, long time. By the time they were wrapping that up, Normís liver was roughly the size of an ottoman. Not to mention the stool rash. Why donít these people know when to call it quits? Just once Iíd like to see a show go out on top.

JERRY AND GEORGE SIT IN A BOOTH AT MONKíS
GEORGE: I love croutons. I could eat my weight in croutons.
JERRY: Yeah croutons, you gotta love croutons.
GEORGE: I wish you could order croutons as a meal, or at least an appetizer.
JERRY: Yeah, At least an appetizer.
GEORGE: Whatís wrong with you today, you seem so disinterested and bored.
JERRY: Look at us! Weíre talking about croutons!
GEORGE: Well, what do you want to talk about?
JERRY: All we ever do is talk. I donít think thereís anything left to talk about. I mean look at this pathetic little world of ours. We get up, you come over to my place, we come here, we eat crappy tuna, and soup with rubber bands in it, and yap about nothing. Frankly, Iím getting tired of it. Thereís got to be something more to life than this.
GEORGE: Hey bucko! Need I remind you that weíve been down this road before. We were gonna mature. We were gonna grow up, become men, get engaged. We shook hands, WE HAD A PACT! And you reneged.
JERRY: I did not renege. I got engaged to whatís her face. The female me.
GEORGE: You were engaged for a cup of coffee for Godís sake.
JERRY: Yeah, well you didnít exactly make it to the altar either.
GEORGE: Susan died from licking toxic envelopes! I canít be held responsible!
JERRY: Yeah, Iím sure you had nothing to do with it.
GEORGE: Are you implying that I killed Susan?
JERRY: No, thatís not what I said.
GEORGE: Well you said it in a very accusational manner.
JERRY: ďAccusationalĒ is not a word.
GEORGE: Sure it is.
JERRY: No itís not.
GEORGE: Itís a perfectly cromulent word.
JERRY: ďCromulentĒ isnít a word, either.
GEORGE: Care to make it interesting?
JERRY: No, no I donít. Letís just drop it!
GEORGE: Why are you so agitated? Did you take a shower today?
JERRY: Yeah I took a shower. Itís just that I have this feeling.
GEORGE: Feeling? You have a feeling?
JERRY: Itís difficult to explain. I just get a sense like this chapter of our lives is about to end, and another is gonna begin.
GEORGE: Thatís a little ominous, donít you think?
JERRY: Is it?
GEORGE: Iím scared now. WATER! I need WATER!
JERRY: It doesnít have to end badly.
GEORGE: Yes, yes it does! If thereís one thing that Iíve learned, itís that EVERYTHING ends badly!
JERRY: Well, perhaps things just end badly because you think theyíre gonna end badly.
GEORGE: I donít follow.
JERRY: If weíre determined to end it well, maybe we can pull it off.
GEORGE: So how the hell are you gonna end this ďchapterĒ well?
JERRY: I donít know. Maybe Iíll get engaged again.
GEORGE: Yeah? To who?
JERRY: I donít know. Elaine.
GEORGE: Thatís great! All these years, Iíve always wanted to see you two get back together. Youíre perfect for each other. Youíre soul mates. Youíre like Superman and Lois Lane!
JERRY: Jeez, Georgie, I was kidding.
GEORGE: Yeah well, you should. I mean think about it. You think youíre gonna have a better relationship with another woman than the one you have with her? Youíre not friends with any of your other ex-girlfriends. You date a different girl every week, but Elaineís always been there. For the last nine years, youíve been looking for the perfect relationship, and what do you have to show for it? Face it, Elaine is it!
JERRY: She seems like an it.
GEORGE: She's at it as you get. Imagine bumping into her on the street in five years with a husband. And she tells us he's a sculptor, they live in Vermont... We'd have to kill him.
JERRY: Havenít we had this conversation before?
GEORGE: You think?
JERRY: I think we have.
George: Yeah, maybe we have. Anyway, I think you two should get married.
JERRY: I tell ya, I don't see it happening. Besides, sheís with Puddy, again.
GEORGE: Is she? I thought they broke up?
JERRY: Oh, who the hell knows?
GEORGE: Well, tell you what. If you donít propose to her, Iím going to!
JERRY: Yeah, okay, and Iíll propose to Kramer.
GEORGE: Iím serious. I could see the two of us married.
JERRY: And what, are you gonna make a spin-off out of it.
GEORGE: A spin-off? Of what?
JERRY: Of our current seriesÖof events.
GEORGE: What an odd thing to say.
THEY SIT SILENT FOR A MOMENT
JERRY: You ready to go?
GEORGE: Yeah. Hey Kenny Baniaís new show debuts tonight on NBC. Are you gonna watch it?
JERRY: I canít believe they gave that clown his own show. And in such a cushy time slot.
GEORGE: Well Iím looking forward to it.
[THEY GET UP AND LEAVE]
JERRY: Hey, do you really think you have the guts to ask Elaine to marry you?
GEORGE: I wish.

JERRY AND GEORGE IN JERRYíS APARTMENT
GEORGE: Why do you say you have this feeling? I mean it might just be something you ate.
JERRY: Forget it, Iím sorry I mentioned it.
GEORGE: What do you think she would say?
JERRY: Who? Elaine?
GEORGE: Yeah.
JERRY: I think she would fear for her life. Why put her through that?
[BUZZER RINGS]
ELAINE: Itís me
JERRY: Come on up. Well, Biff, hereís your shot.
GEORGE: You know, I just said that to try and motivate you to ask her.
JERRY: Yeah well, thatís like bluffing with a six high.
GEORGE: Just trying to be a good friend.
JERRY: Why would you start now?
ELAINE ENTERS
ELAINE: Hey.
JERRY: Hi.
GEORGE: Well, I better get going. I wanna get home in time to catch the debut of ďBaniaĒ. SoÖ
JERRY: Wait a second, George, donít you have a question to pop?
ELAINE: What do you mean?
JERRY: Donít you have something to ask Elaine?
GEORGE: Uh, yeah. Uh, how are things with Puddy?
ELAINE: Ugh. Itís over. For good this time.
GEORGE: Hey thatís great. Well, onward, and upward.
[GEORGE EXITS]
JERRY: So what was the deal breaker this time.
ELAINE: He ate nothing but French onion dip for a week.
[KRAMER MAKES HIS TRADEMARK ENTRANCE WEARING A TUXEDO. AUDIENCE APPLAUDS WILDLY.]
Kramer: Hey buddy. Hello, my love.
ELAINE: Hey Kramer, whatís up with the tux?
KRAMER: Ah darling, donít you remember our arrangement.
ELAINE: What the hell are you talking about?
KRAMER: We made a pact that if neither of us were married in four years, the two of us would get married. Well here we are, four years later, both singleÖLetís get hitched!
ELAINE: It was fifty years you jackass. FIFTY! Not four.
Kramer: Iím really hurt that youíre trying to back out of this. We had a verbal contract. If we can't take each other at our word, all is lost.
ELAINE: Iím not backing out, the deal was fifty years!
KRAMER: Hey, Jerry. Were you here when we made the deal?
JERRY: Yeah, itís my apartment.
KRAMER: Was it four years or fifty years?
JERRY: Oh, I donít remember. Fifty-four maybe? Why donít you split the difference?
ELAINE: Face it, Kramer. Weíre not getting married.
KRAMER: HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME??!?!? I THOUGHT WE HAD SOMETHING SPECIAL?!?!?
[KRAMER EXITS CRYING]
JERRY: Thatís a shame. I think it would be interesting if you two got married.
ELAINE: Oh yeah?
JERRY: Yeah it would make a funny spin-off.
ELAINE: Spin-off? Of what
Elaine: Maybe I should just get married.
Jerry: Dating is really starting to get embarrassing isn't it?
Elaine: I know. You know, whenever I'm on a date I feel people can tell.
Jerry: People on dates shouldn't even be allowed out in public.
Elaine: You can say that again.
JERRY: Havenít we had this conversation before?
ELAINE You think?
JERRY: I think we have.
ELAINE: Yeah, maybe we have.
[KRAMER ENTERS, GRABS A JAR OF PICKLES FROM JERRYíS REFRIGERATOR, THEN EXITS AVOIDING ELAINE.]
JERRY: Maybe you should marry Kramer. I mean, heís willing to marry you, youíre not getting any younger, you pick fights with all your boyfriendsÖ
ELAINE: Enough! I do want to get married soon. Iím getting out. I canít keep this up much longer. But, I donít wanna marry some hipster doofus.
JERRY: I think Iíd like to give marriage another shot.
ELAINE: Another shot? When were you married?
JERRY: Well, we werenít ďofficiallyĒ married.
ELAINE: Youíre the most shallow man on the planet. You think youíre gonna make some woman feel special.
JERRY: Yes! Yes I do. Itís really a matter of who.
ELAINE: Well, You always find yourself finding your way back to your one true love,
JERRY: But who is it?
ELAINE: You figure it out. Maybe itís George
JERRY: Weíre not gay! Not that thereís anything wrong with that!
ELAINE: No, not at all. So what are you doing tonight? You wanna go see a movie?
JERRY: Nah - what for?
ELAINE: To see a movie.
JERRY: I've been to the movies.
ELAINE: Not this movie.
JERRY: They're all the same. You go, you sit, you eat popcorn, you watch. I'm sick of it.
ELAINE: Whatís with you today?
JERRY: I donít know. Do you ever get the feeling that change is eminent?
ELAINE: It usually winds up being gas.
ELAINE: So are we on for the movies tonight
JERRY: Nah, I think Iíll just stay home and watch TV.
ELAINE: Alright, see ya.
JERRY: Bye.
[JERRY TURNS ON ďBANIAĒ IT STARTS WITH THE OPENING CREDITS WHICH SHOW BANIA GIVING A MONOLOGUE WITH A BASS RIFT IN THE BACKGROUND]
BANIA: So whatís the deal with risk management?
JERRY: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HE CHANGES CHANNEL TO A NEWS SHOW
REPORTER: Russel Dalrymple, youíve just climbed Mt. Everest for the second time. What are you going to do now?
RUSSELL: Iím going to find Elaine Benes!
JERRY: Thatís the guy that screwed up my pilot!!

A MENTAL INSTITUTION
Doctor: Well, Mr. Divola, after years of treatment, weíve determined that you're no longer a threat to yourself or others.
HE GIVES DIVOLA A CERTIFICATE THAT SAYS ďSANEĒ
Youíre free to go.
CRAZY JOE: First mission, find ELAINE!
CRAZY JOE LEAVES
DOCTOR: Donít forget your clown suit!

ON A RATTLESNAKE SPEEDWAY, IN THE UTAH DESERT, RICKY(THE GUY FROM THE SUBWAY WHO LIKES TV GUIDE, AND DESIGNED THE MANNIQUIN THAT LOOKED LIKE ELAINE, IS CARVING SOMETHING INTO AN ENORMOUS ROCK.
RICKY: My masterpiece is complete!
CAMERA PANS OUT TO REVEAL A GIANT IMAGE OF ELAINE CARVED IN TO ROCK.
RICKY: I call it, ďElaineĒ. Now, to find her!
[SCENE FADES OUT]
ACT 2

JERRY AND ELAINE IN THE VIDEO STORE
JERRY: You know, maybe the one youíre looking for has been right in front of you this whole time. You just havenít realized it.
ELAINE: Yeah, maybe youíre right!
JERRY: I am?!
ELAINE: Yeah, maybe itís Puddy!
JERRY: Elaine, I canít believe Iím saying this, butÖPlan 9 from Outer Space is out on video!

ACT 2- JERRYíS APARTMENT. JERRYíS WATCHING TV, BUT OVERHEARS KRAMER IN THE HALL.
KRAMER: Oh, buddy, Iím gonna miss you!
JERRY: Whatís going on out here? Oh. Hello, Newman.
NEWMAN: Hello, Jerry.
KRAMER: Newmanís getting transferred!
JERRY: HE IS!! THATíS FANTASTIC!! WHERE TO?!
NEWMAN: Hawaii! The most sought-after postal route of them all. The air is so dewy-sweet you don't even have to like the stamps. The guy who got the transfer over me last time met an unfortunate fate. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!
JERRY: HAWAII! THATíS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WORLD!! IíM NEVER GONNA SEE YOU AGAIN!!
KRAMER: This is depressing. Whoís gonna assist me in my moneymaking ventures?
NEWMAN: Alas Kramer, parting is such sweet sorry. I must begin to pack, for my route starts Monday. One last thing. Seinfeld, I always considered you a worthy adversary.
JERRY: NewmanÖ.I am so glad youíre leaving!
NEWMAN: Goodbye, Jerry.
JERRY: Goodbye, Newman.

ELAINE KNOCKS ON PUDDYíS DOOR. PUDDY ANSWERS IN PAJAMAS.
ELAINE: Hi!
PUDDY: Oh, itís you. Iím over you.
GILLIAN (MAN HANDS) APPEARS AND KISSES PUDDY
GILLIAN: Elaine?
ELAINE: Man hands?
GILLIAN: Nice to meet you again. (SHAKES HER HAND)
ELAINE: Ow!
PUDDY: High five! (HIGH FIVES GILLIAN)

JERRY, ELAINE, AND GEORGE AT MONKíS
ELAINE: So who should be there, but man hands herself. My hand still hurts.
JERRY: Thatís a shame. Did I tell you what happened to Newman?
GEORGE: No, what?
JERRY: He did something horrible to the guy that got the transfer he wanted over him last time, so now he got the route!
ELAINE: Thatís great!
JERRY: I know! Heís moving to Hawaii! Iím still giddy over it.
GEORGE: Maybe, thatís the chapter thatís ending.
JERRY: Perhaps, but I still sense something bigger is to come.
GEORGE: I got it!! Iím gonna go out there and achieve my dream, baby!
GEORGE RUNS OFF.
ELAINE: I think Iíll get the big salad.

GEORGE IS IN AN OFFICE BEING INTERVIEWED
ART VANDELAY: So you worked at Kruger Industries? And you were the assistant to the traveling secretary for the Yankees?
GEORGE: Thatís right, Mr. Vandelay. They won the World Series while I was there, by the way.
VANDELAY: And before that you were in real estate. You also worked as a hand model, an editor for Pendant Publishing, and you were a marine biologist?!
GEORGE: Uh, thatís right.
VANDELAY: Well, Mr. Costanza, youíre more than qualified for the position. Welcome aboard. You are now officially an architect!

JERRY AND KRAMER WALK DOWN THE STREET.
KRAMER: Hey, thereís my friend, Bob Sacamano!
JERRY: Where?!
KRAMER: There, by that bakery.
CAMERA SHOWS SCAMANO, BUT AS HE TURNS AROUND TO REVEAL HIS FACE, HE IS HIT BY A PIE FLYING OUT THE WINDOW.
JERRY: Good looking guy.
KRAMER: Heís quite a character.
JERRY: So, I was thinking, maybe thereís something more to life than this.
Kramer: Yeah, well, let me clue you in on something. There isn't.
Jerry: There isn't?
Kramer: Absolutely not. I mean, what are you thinking about, Jerry:? Marriage? Family?
Jerry: Well...
Kramer: They're prisons. Man made prisons. You're doing time. You get up in the morning. She's there. You go to sleep at night. She's there. It's like you gotta ask permission to use the bathroom. Is it all right if I use the bathroom now?
Jerry: Really?
Kramer: Yeah, and you can forget about watching TV while you're eating.
Jerry: I can?
Kramer: Oh, yeah. You know why? Because it's dinner time. And you know what you do at dinner?
Jerry: What?
Kramer: You talk about your day. How was your day today? Did you have a good day today or a bad day today? Well, what kind of day was it? Well, I don't know. How about you? How was your day?
JERRY: Haven't we had this conversation before?
KRAMER: You think?
JERRY: I think we have.
KRAMER: Yeah, maybe we have.
JERRY: (NOTICES MAN WALKING DOWN THE STREET)Hey, is thatÖis that Joe Davola?!?!
KRAMER: (SCARED) Where?!?!
JERRY: Heís coming right towards us!
KRAMER: Iím outta here! (RUNS AWAY)
DIVOLA: (PSYCHOTICALLY) Hi, Jerry. Do you know where Elaine is?
JERRY: Uh, no.
DIVOLA: Well you tell her Iím looking for her.

ACT 3 SCENE A- JERRYíS APARTMENT
KRAMER: So he just asked where Elaine was?
JERRY: Yeah, and then he left.
BUZZER RINGS
ELAINE: Itís me.
JERRY: Come on up. Wait till I tell her.
KRAMER: Oh, Iím not ready to face her again. Itís too soon.
JERRY: Too soon?
KRAMER: She broke my heart, Jerry! Iím not like you, I canít just pick up the pieces and move on. She hurt me in a deep and profound manner.
ELAINE ENTERS
ELAINE: Hey.
JERRY: Hello.
KRAMER LEAVES
JERRY: So youíll never guess who I saw walking down the street today.
ELAINE: Bruce Springsteen?
JERRY: No, it was somebody that was looking for you.
ELAINE: Jake Jarmel?
JERRY: No.
ELAINE: JFK Jr.? Keith Hernandez?
JERRY: No! Remember ďCrazyĒ Joe Divola?
ELAINE: GET OUT! (SHE PUSHES JERRY) He said he was looking for me?
JERRY: Yup
ELAINE: Well what am I gonna do? What do you suppose he wants from me?
JERRY: I donít know, maybe the same thing that NBC guy wants.
ELAINE: Russell, whatís his name?
JERRY: Yeah, I saw him on the news. He just climbed Everest. Again. And now heís looking for you.
ELAINE: Wow. Iím scaredÖand yet quite flattered.
JERRY: Who knows, maybe one of them is your "soul mateĒ.

GEORGE IN HIS OFFICE
VANDELAY: George, these are the architects youíll be working with.
BARRY: Hi, Iím Barry, this is my brother Darren, and this is my other brother Darren.


JERRY AND ELAINE WALK DOWN THE STREET
ELAINE: Isnít that Sue Ellen Mitchke
JERRY: Who?
ELAINE: The heiress to the O, Henry candy bar fortune? The braless wonder!
JERRY: Oh! Your Lex Luther!
SUE ELLEN: Oh, hi, Elaine.
ELAINE: Hi, what are you doing here.
SUE ELLEN: Oh, Iím just waiting for my husband.
MAN EXITS GROCERY STORE. ITíS THE SOUP NAZI. HE KISSES SUE ELLEN
ELAINE: The Soup Nazi!
SUE ELLEN: Heís re-opening his soup place. With my funding heís developed 12 new recipes.
SOUP NAZI(TO ELAINE): And I better not see you there. No soup for you!
JERRY: Do you have any new bisques?

GEORGE VISITS HIS PARENTS
GEORGE: So Iím gonna be an architect!
Frank: Oh baby-doll, this kid's going places, I told you.
Estelle: Why would they hire you?
GEORGE: I donít know! But they did!
ESTELLE: What will you be doing?
GEORGE: Iíll be designing buildings!
Frank: Without the architecture, you have nothing. You're the ones that make the buildings look good!
Estelle: Since when do you know how to design buildings? I never saw you design anything.
George: Ma?!
Estelle: I don't know how you're going to design all those buildings. And where are you get all the ideas?
Frank: Would you leave him alone? You'll shatter his confidence!

JERRY AND ELAINE WALK DOWN THE STREET
JERRY: I saw a werewolf with a Chinese menu in his hand, walking through the streets of Soho in the rain.
ELAINE: Really?
JERRY: Yeah, he was looking for a place called Lee Ho Fooks. Going to get a big dish of beef chow mein.
ELAINE: Oh my god! Itís that guy from the subway?
JERRY: The naked guy?
ELAINE: No, the TV guide guy!
RICKY: Elaine! You look scrumptious!
ELAINE: Uh, hi.
RICKY: I was looking for you. I came all the way from Utah, where I made a present for you.
ELAINE: Oh? Really?
RICKY: Yeah, I have a picture of it.
SHOWS HER PICTURE
ELAINE: Yikes!
JERRY: Thatís a nice job on the nose.
RICKY: Oh, is that your boyfriend?
ELAINE: Uh, yes. Yes it is! This is my boyfriend, Jerry.
JERRY: Iím, uh, the boyfriend.
ELAINE: Well, uh, we gotta go catch our flight to the Poconos.
JERRY: No, we donít
ELAINE: Yes, we do
JERRY: No we donít
ELAINE: Shut up.
ELAINE LEADS JERRY AWAY
JERRY: Well that was nice, reprising my award-winning role.
ELAINE: Can you believe he carved my face into that rock?!
JERRY: This is fun, I wonder who else weíre gonna run in to.

JERRY AND ELAINE WALKING DOWN THE STREET. JERRY NOTICES RUSSELL
JERRY: Thereís the guy from NBC! Iím gonna let him hear it! (JERRY RUNS TOWARDS HIM)
ELAINE: Jerry, no!
RUSSELL: Elaine! I just got back from Tibet! I climbed Mt. Everest, again. I put a flag with your picture of it on top.
ELAINE: Well, uh, thatís very sweet and all, but, uhÖ
JERRY: Screw up my deal at NBC, will ya?!?!?!? (HE PUNCHES HIM)
Why did you leave?!? ďJerryĒ was gonna be huge!!

JERRY AND ELAINE WALKING DOWN THE STREET. JERRY NOTICES DIVOLA
JERRY: Holy Crap! Itís Crazy Joe Divola!
ELAINE: Did he see us?! Letís go.
THEY RUN AWAY
JERRY: Come on! You see? Never run from a psychopath with a girl. 'Cuz a girl
runs like a girl-- with the little steps and the arms flailing
out... You wanna get away from this guy, you've gotta run like a man!
Get your knees up!
THEY TURN A CORNER, BUT COME FACE TO FACE WITH CRAZY JOE
DIVOLA: Hey Jerry. Sorry the pilot didnít work out.
JERRY: Uh. Yeah.
DIVOLA: Elaine, is this the guy you left me for?
ELAINE: Well, uh, Ö.
DIVOLA: Well, I just wanna say Iím sorry, and wish you two good luck. Now if you donít mind, I have a bus to catch. (HE BOARDS A BUS)
JERRY: Nice guy.

SCENE C- PHONE RINGS, JERRY ANSWERS
JERRY: Hello?
Kimbrough: Hello, this is James Kimbrough, the new President here at NBC.
JERRY: Oh, hi.
Kimbrough: Well, weíre please to tell you that weíre going to pick up your show. A thirteen episode commitment.
JERRY: Really?!? Thatís great!
Kimbrough: Yes, we believe ďBaniaĒ has a lot of potential.
JERRY: Iím sorry, Bania?
Kimbrough: This is Kenny Bania, right?
JERRY: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

JERRYíS APARTMENT, KRAMER ENTERS
JERRY: Hey.
KRAMER: Uh, hi.
JERRY: Whatís wrong?
KRAMER: Jerry, I have to go. I got the call.
JERRY: From your home planet?
KRAMER: Thereís something I never told you. Along time ago, before I moved here, I was in the CIA.
JERRY: What was that?
KRAMER: And I got out, you know. I just wanted to get away, to put that behind me. But Iíve been running my past for too long. I got the call today, Jerry. Just when I think Iím out, they pull me back in!

SHOT OF NEWMAN IN HAWAII, SPILLING COCOANUT JUICE ON HIS MAIL.

JERRY AND KRAMER OUTSIDE THE APARTMENT BUILDING
KRAMER: Look, I know how tough it is for you to say goodbye, so I'll say it. Maybe you're right, maybe we will see each other again, but just in case we don't, I want you to know how much you've meant to me. I'll never be able to shake you; whenever I hear a humorous observation or see a cheesy mullet, I'll think of you.
JERRY: Whenever I see somebody shave with butter, I'll think of you.
KRAMER: Or the next time somebody shaves his chest
JERRY: ...or when somebody burns down a cabin, or sets up a talk-show set inside his apartmentÖ
KRAMER: I'll miss you.
JERRY: I'll miss you--a lot. I can't imagine what this place would've been like if I hadn't found you here!
KRAMER BOARDS A HELICOPTER. IT TAKES OFF AS THEME FROM M*A*S*H* PLAYS.

VANDELAY: Oh, George, could you mail these invitations for me? Weíre having a party to open the newest building we designed.
GEORGE: Uh, I donít know. I have a bad history with invitations.
VANDELAY: Come on, just drop them off in the mailbox.
GEORGE: WellÖokay.
GEORGE GOES TO MAIL THE INVITATION
GEORGE: (TO HIMSELF) Alright, just keep cool. Nothing can go wrong. Just put them in the box.
A GOLF BALL HITS GEORGE IN THE HEAD AND THE SCREEN FADES TO BLACK. GEORGE WAKES UP IN HIS BED AND CALLS JERRY.

JERRY: Hello?
GEORGE: Jerry! I just had the most bizarre dream! I was an architect!
JERRY: Who is this?
GEORGE: I was an architect and my bossís name was Vandelay! And he was having a party, and he asked me to mail the invitations, and a golf ball hit me in the head!
JERRY: Thatís a shame.
GEORGE: And Jerry, you should really think about wearing more sweaters.
JERRY: What an odd thing to say.
GEORGE: So you wanna go get something at the coffee shop?
JERRY: ISnít it closed now?
GEORGE: Not for another 15 minutes. We can make it if we hurry.
JERRY: Well, okay.

JERRY AND GEORGE WALK UP TO MONKíS. MONK IS INSIDE STRAIGHTENING A PICTURE OF GERMONIMO. GEORGE KNOCKS ON DOOR.

MONK: Sorry, weíre closed.
CHEERS THEME MUSIC PLAYS
SCENE ENDS

JERRY AND ELAINE IN JERRYíS APARTMENT, THE NEXT DAY
ELAINE: I tell ya, I donít know if its ever gonna happen for me.
JERRY: Well, you always come back to your one true love.
ELAINE: Thatís what I told you. But who the hell is it?!!?
JERRY: Maybe, heís been right in front of you the whole time.
ELAINE: Itís not Puddy!
Jerry: I've been thinking about what it means to be complete.
Elaine: Do you have an apple or anything?
Jerry: Look at us, hurtling through space on this big, blue marble.
Elaine: Or a nectarine? I would absolutely love a nectarine.
Jerry: Looking everywhere for some kind of meaning...
Elaine: Why am I in such a fruit mood? Ahh, banana!
Jerry: When all the while, the real secret to happiness has been right in
front of us!
Elaine: Havenít we had this conversation before?
Jerry: You think?
ELAINE: I think we have.
JERRY: Yeah, maybe we have.
ELAINE: S whatís your point?
JERRY: What if we got married?
ELAINE: Married? Us? GET OUT!
JERRY: Come on, come on. Now, look, we both find each other attractive, right?
ELAINE: YeahÖ
JERRY: Clearly, no one else can stand to be with either one of us.
ELAINE: I suppose.
JERRY: Come on, weíll have a wedding, thereíll be a lot of people to mock.
ELAINE: WellÖ
JERRY: Will you marry me?
ELAINE: Alright, Jerome, what the hell.
ELAINE ATTEMPTS TO HUG JERRY
JERRY: Elaine, thereís no hugging in Seinfeld!
ELAINE KISSES HIM
JERRY: Now that is allowed.
ELAINE: Are you gonna get me a nice ring?
JERRY: Maybe I will, Laney, maybe I will. (Winks at camera).

BABU AT JFK AIRPORT.
BABU: Iím going to get my revenge, Jerry! You are very bad!
SECURITY GUARD: Iím sorry, your passport is invalid. We canít allow you to leave the terminal.
BABU: So what do I do?
SECURITY: You have to stay here in the terminal. But who knows, maybe you can make a movie about it.

JERRY, ELAINE, AND GEORGE IN JERRYíS APRTMENT
JERRY: So he said he was in the CIA for years before he moved here, and they called him back for a mission.
ELAINE: (PUSHING JERRY) GET OUT!
GEORGE: So he just left? In a helicopter? Why didnít he say goodbye to me?!
JERRY: He said he had to go immediately. It sounded urgent.
GEORGE: Well he couldíve at least called me! George is upset!
KRAMER ENTERS
KRAMER: Hey
KRAMER GOES TO THE FRIDGE
Kramer: Any mustard? This is empty.
Jerry: Yeah, there's a new one in there.
Kramer: No no, I don't like this one. It's too yellow. Any pickles?
Jerry: Help yourself.
Kramer: Yeah, all right.
George: Kramer, what are you doing here?
Kramer: Getting something to eat.
ELAINE: Hey you guys wanna go get something at the coffee shop?
KRAMER: Yeah!
GEORGE: Yeah, okay.
ELAINE, KRAMER, AND GEORGE START TO LEAVE
ELAINE: Jerry, arenít you coming?
JERRY: Yeah, just a second.
ELAINE, KRAMER, AND GEORGE LEAVE. JERRY STAYS BEHIND AND TAKES A LONG LOOK AT THE APARTMENT. HE THEN TURNS OUT THE LIGHT

THE FOURSOME IN A BOOTH AT MONKíS
GEORGE: You know, I never noticed that picture before. [points to picture of Geronimo] Who is that? Mel Brooks?
ELAINE: Mel Brooks?!? Itís Geronimo, you jackass, the Native American warrior!
GEORGE: Well Mel Brooks played an Indian in Blazing Saddles.
KRAMER: Blazing Saddles, now thereís a movie with a great ending.
GEORGE: It was a great movie, but it had a bad ending.
JERRY: Whatís wrong with the ending?
GEORGE: It's stupid.
JERRY: Itís supposed to be stupid. The whole movieís stupid.
GEORGE: Yeah, but the ending was STUPID stupid.
ELAINE: You know whatís stupid? This conversation.
KRAMER: The ending was classic.
ELAINE: Hey, Kramer, what happened on your CIA mission?
KRAMER: Uh, there was someÖunpleasantness, I can never go back.
JERRY: Thatís a shame.
KRAMER: Tell me about it, now I have to try and find a job. I tell ya, itís embarrassing to be out of work.
GEORGE: Youíre telling me, Iím gonna have to move back in with my parents. I canít believe it was invitationsÖ.AGAIN!
KRAMER: So, uh, what're you guys gonna do today?
ELAINE: Oh, this and that
JERRY: And the other.
KRAMER: What? Are you a couple again?
JERRY: WellÖ
ELAINE: Weíre getting married!
KRAMER: Giddy up! Letís hear about it. How did you propose?
JERRY: Whatís the big deal? Weíre not blazing any trails here. People get married all the time. Have you ever picked up a newspaper and the headline was ďCOUPLE GETS MARRIEDĒ?
GEORGE: I canít believe it took you guys this long. Youíre perfect for each other. I mean how could you be so stupid? Itís been staring you in the face this whole time. I canít believeÖ
ELAINE: Why donít you just shut the hell up.
Jerry: See now, to me, that button is in the worst possible spot.
George: Really?
Jerry: Oh yeah. The second button is the key button. It literally makes or breaks the shirt. Look at it, it's too high, it's in no-man's land.
George: Haven't we had this conversation before?
Jerry: You think?
George: I think we have.
Jerry: Yeah, maybe we have.

CLOSING MONOLOGUE-JERRY: You know, why we're here? To be out, this is out...and out is one of the single most enjoyable experiences of life. People...did you ever hear people talking about "We should go out"? This is what they're talking about...this whole thing, we're all out now, no one is home. Not one person here is home, we're all out! There are people tryin' to find us, they don't know where we are. [imitates one of these people pretends his hand is a phone] "Did you ring?, I can't find him." [imitates other person on phone] "Where did he go?" [the first person again] "He didn't tell me where he was going". He must have gone out. You wanna go out: you get ready, you pick out the clothes, right? You take the shower, you get all ready, get the cash, get your friends, the car, the spot, the reservation...There you're staring around, whatta you do? You go: "We gotta be getting back". Once you're out, you wanna get back! You wanna go to sleep, you wanna get up, you wanna go out again tomorrow, right? Where ever you are in life, it's my feeling, you've gotta go. Alright, that's it for me. You've been great. Goodnight everybody.

ScottyCougar
Master of my Domain

Posts: 91

Reply: 1



PostPosted: July 24, 2004 3:21 AM 

By the way, I wrote the opening monologue, and I'm proud of that as well. And away we go

Cosmo 87
Rabid Anti-Dentite

Posts: 266

Reply: 2



PostPosted: July 24, 2004 12:00 PM 

Where is it?

Jimmy


Posts: 5505

Reply: 3



PostPosted: July 24, 2004 6:09 PM 

WOW!

Now THAT'S what Jimmy calls a show about nothing! Very Happy

Gendison
Bad Breaker Upper

Posts: 3306

Reply: 4



PostPosted: July 24, 2004 6:48 PM 

Why is is i'm only able to see the first 2 posts in this thread? Is it just me?

Jimmy


Posts: 5505

Reply: 5



PostPosted: July 25, 2004 3:36 AM 

Wow!

Now THAT"S what Jimmy calls a show about nothing! Very Happy

Stan The Caddy
Pigman

Posts: 428

Reply: 6



PostPosted: July 25, 2004 9:21 AM 

Okay, I just fixed this thread, and pasted the script into the first message.

Scott, I have to ask: what with the name "Scott Cougar Schmitt". Is it like "Jerry Cougar Mellencamp"? Razz

Gendison
Bad Breaker Upper

Posts: 3306

Reply: 7



PostPosted: July 25, 2004 10:08 AM 

I'm on my out the door, but just took a quick look...So far, pretty cool. I like the opening monologue. Just had to time to read the opening scene when they're talking about croutons. Very good!!! Sounds like you definitely captured the feel of the show...looking forward to reading the rest later...Giddy up!!!

Cosmo 87
Rabid Anti-Dentite

Posts: 266

Reply: 8



PostPosted: July 25, 2004 3:52 PM 

Pretty cool, I see it now. The only thing that happened that I don't think would happen would be Jerry punching Dowlripple. In the thread "Your Finale" I said there coulda been a 3rd part of the finale with a "where are they now" with characters they terrorized. I like your set-up. You kinda got a clip show with things that have already happened showing the show has come full circle, you got a regular type episode, and you got a "where are they now" kinda thing like with Babu. I truly laughed at it and some of it caught me like Kramer leaving for CIA, the new president of NBC mistaking Jerry for Bania, and George being an archtect with Art Vandelay as his boss. Nice job. Laughing

ScottyCougar
Master of my Domain

Posts: 91

Reply: 9



PostPosted: July 25, 2004 6:01 PM 

John Cougar Mellencamp is one of my heroes, so I've adopted his middle name. Ain't that America.

ScottyCougar
Master of my Domain

Posts: 91

Reply: 10



PostPosted: July 25, 2004 6:09 PM 

John Cougar Mellencamp is one of my heroes, so I've adopted his middle name. Ain't that America.

rio
Latex Salesman

Posts: 347

Reply: 11



PostPosted: July 26, 2004 9:43 AM 

I read about half of it. IMO there's a few good lines (i.e., "Yeah well, that’s like bluffing with a six high."), but for the most part it seemed to me that you took chunks of dialogue from previous episodes and put them together somehow. Personally, I wouldn't have liked to see that. But, that's just me.

independent george
Bob Sakamano

Posts: no

Reply: 12



PostPosted: July 26, 2004 12:44 PM 

I dont like the whole elain-jerry marriage thing. That defeats the whole philosophy of the show. It was the show about the losers. So it can not have a happy ending. As larry david said 'happy is boring', and thats what the show was about. it was anything but boring.. So dont make nething HAPPY here.

smith
Bob Sakamano

Posts: no

Reply: 13



PostPosted: July 26, 2004 2:21 PM 

i thought it was pretty well-written and had that classic seinfeld-feel to it (you're obviously a big fan of the show) but i didn't think it was as funny as a good episode of the original. it needs to be funnier but it was still very good.

Anonymous
Bob Sakamano

Posts: no

Reply: 14



PostPosted: July 26, 2004 3:39 PM 

Independent George, at least I can spell.

Cole
Low-Talker

Posts: 5

Reply: 15



PostPosted: July 26, 2004 5:25 PM 

I'm not going to pretend I read the whole thing, but from what I did read, you stole two lines directly out of the Simpsons......

Cosmo 87
Rabid Anti-Dentite

Posts: 266

Reply: 16



PostPosted: July 26, 2004 10:37 PM 

Yeah, I forgot, but I didn't like the whole marriage thing either. But, I did like the way you have some stuff that previously happened, unlike rio, because I think you really meant it that way to show the show had come full circle. In an episode I wrote a while back, I had some previous material too, but it didn't sit to well with some of the readers on the board because it wasn't "My Finale," but just another show. So I understand that criticism but I like the way you did it (my show may still be on one of the pages, if you want to read it, it's called "The Grocery Store"). Wink Smile

Shad
Bob Sakamano

Posts: no

Reply: 17



PostPosted: July 27, 2004 12:34 AM 

pretty funny, though i think continually using old chunks of dialogue ruins it...when it was used in the real finale it was the fact that it was both the very first and very last thing said in the series that made it work...overall a pretty good effort, though i agree that jerry hitting davola is out of character...i think it would've made a valid finale if the mood of series 1,2 and 3 had been maintained....what i mean is, the early series were less cynical and more dramatic than the later series, and hence an ideal finale where jerry and elaine get married may have worked...however by the end all the characters were so self centred and insensitive that this finale would not be a suitable conclusion....well done though, some good bits...i loved the bit with puddy getting together with man hands and high fiving her...classic

Jerry Seinfeld
Master of my Domain

Posts: 91

Reply: 18



PostPosted: July 28, 2004 11:52 PM 

Wow! This is pure brilliance! This is how we should have ended the show! ScottyCougar, you are my hero!

Larry David
Master of my Domain

Posts: 91

Reply: 19



PostPosted: July 28, 2004 11:53 PM 

I agree. What the hell was I thinking? Next to this, MY finale looks like crap.

J. Chiles


Posts: 5139

Reply: 20



PostPosted: July 29, 2004 12:03 PM 

George Carlin did the "we're all out" routine a long time ago.

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