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Guest







PostPosted: April 10, 2005 7:34 PM 

http://scriptbuddy.com/published/?p=4291527504&t=&pg=14

Whadda you guys think? (It's only the first scene.)


Gendison
Bad Breaker Upper

Posts: 3306

Reply: 1



PostPosted: April 10, 2005 10:34 PM 

Yeah that's really intersting.....Hey what do you think of this: Men don't want to know what's on TV, men want to know what ELSE is on TV.

cousin jeffrey
Vile Weed

Posts: 1714

Reply: 2



PostPosted: April 10, 2005 11:00 PM 

Look, i appreciate the effort, but it just wasn't that funny. Maybe if you write the whole thing. Because right now, all you have is 2, maybe 2 and a half minutes. You need a story. That was more like a skit from the old Jackie Gleason show (I'm not even sure if they did skits on that show, or there even was a Jackie Gleason show. I know there was a Honeymooners)

Anyway the point is, this little, seemingly insignificant part of the script should somehow comeback at the end to play a larger role in the plot (that would be more like seinfeld, like Kramer's golfball.) What if the bag sealers, which are supposed to lock in freshness, end up suffocating Ellen's boyfriend as a result of some crazy mishap. And this all happens while he's fumigating Jeremy's apartment. Kramer, of course begins to suspect that the fumigation killed him, and is scared out of his mind because he previously spent a good 3 hours reading a time magazine in Jeremy's apartment. Hilarity insues. Of course this is leaning dangerously close to an episode they already wrote.

Finally, if you're doing this for fun, then no problem. But if you're trying to make a career out of this, then you need something much more original. The world needs a great new show, not another seinfeld. That's impossible.

Hey, what about Ketchup and Mustard in the same bottle?

Guest
Bob Sakamano

Posts: no

Reply: 3



PostPosted: April 11, 2005 5:08 AM 

ok how about this. I shoot myself in the head.

Superman
Bob Sakamano

Posts: no

Reply: 4



PostPosted: April 11, 2005 6:00 AM 

Do you need a bullet?


You changed everyones name but Kramer? Why? You even went as far as Steinfeld. You could have chossen a diferent name, maybe something funny like Kingsley, Ommen, Otto, Wayland, Salmineo, Ronald, Chacko, but what do I know im not a writer. Just a reader...

Jimmy


Posts: 5505

Reply: 5



PostPosted: April 11, 2005 6:08 AM 

By the way Jeffrey, there WAS a Jackie Gleason Show. One of the many skits they performed was The Honeymooners. They were approx. fifteen minutes in length and went over so well, that they made a half hour series from it. Unfortunately, one of the greatest sitcoms of all time lasted only one season (39 episodes). Crying or Very Sad

cousin jeffrey
Vile Weed

Posts: 1714

Reply: 6



PostPosted: April 11, 2005 6:24 PM 

Only one season?!? Then I've seen most of that series. I recorded a bunch of episodes during a Honeymooners marathon a few years ago.

"Hey Norton, what does 'Icky' mean?"
"I don't know. Why?"
"Alice just called me Icky."
"Must mean fat."

cousin jeffrey
Vile Weed

Posts: 1714

Reply: 7



PostPosted: April 11, 2005 6:27 PM 

Now, i don't know if that was really you, Guest, but if it was...you just need to write a bit more of your script and get really into the story before you can get a meaningfull critique.

Jimmy


Posts: 5505

Reply: 8



PostPosted: April 11, 2005 9:49 PM 

Ralph tells Norton that when he and Alice were first married, Alice's pet name for him was "Little Buttercup."

NORTON: (trying to keep from laughing) "She used to call you little Buttercup?

(Norton lets out his laughter)

RALPH: (getting upset) What's so funny?

NORTON: You used to be a little cup of butter, now you're a whole tub of Lard!" 

cousin jeffrey
Vile Weed

Posts: 1714

Reply: 9



PostPosted: April 11, 2005 10:32 PM 

"I know your Mother doesn't mean to be mean....She's just born that way. She's a BLABBERMOUTH!!!!"

Check out www.honeymooners.net

apparently, there are some "lost" episodes that were found in 1986 in Gleason's basement in addition to the 39 episodes you were referring to.

Jimmy


Posts: 5505

Reply: 10



PostPosted: April 11, 2005 10:58 PM 

Yeah, most of those are 15 minute skits from The Jackie Gleason Show. But just as funny.

HateTheDrake
Pigman

Posts: 411

Reply: 11



PostPosted: April 12, 2005 1:19 PM 

Two things...
First off "Guest" you owe me $89.00 for a new ergnomic keyboard. My previous one shorted out after I threw up on it sometime around the point when I got to the ninth line in your script. Secondly do yourself and all of mankind a favor and delete that website as soon as possible. Preferably yesterday. Pornography has now dropped to number two as the worst thing on the web. That script is currently top dawg. And if you should ever feel the need to share your god awful sense of humour with the world again, go purchase a bag sealer for yourself, attach bag around head and take said sealer and inhale until whatever is infected in your brain dies. See now I'm goin' to have to post the angry china man Mad hate doin it but that had to be done.

Gendison
Bad Breaker Upper

Posts: 3306

Reply: 12



PostPosted: April 12, 2005 1:28 PM 

Ok, I got no problem with any of what you said, but this: "Pornography has now dropped to number two as the worst thing on the web."

Now you're just being rediculous.

HateTheDrake
Pigman

Posts: 411

Reply: 13



PostPosted: April 12, 2005 2:42 PM 

Did you just say redicurus?
I heard something.

cousin jeffrey
Vile Weed

Posts: 1714

Reply: 14



PostPosted: April 12, 2005 3:18 PM 

Wow, you really are a tough monkey. Constructive criticism is what i think he was looking for, but whatever.

Gendison
Bad Breaker Upper

Posts: 3306

Reply: 15



PostPosted: April 12, 2005 3:24 PM 

It's all subjective. Maybe in his eyes that WAS constructive. Kind of like Jerry (well, Kramer really) telling that stupid red-head to get out of the business. He truly believed he was doing her a favor.

cousin jeffrey
Vile Weed

Posts: 1714

Reply: 16



PostPosted: April 12, 2005 3:26 PM 

Yeah, and what happened? She did a one-woman show on how Jerry is the devil!

Gendison
Bad Breaker Upper

Posts: 3306

Reply: 17



PostPosted: April 12, 2005 3:28 PM 

Oh-Oh....
Well, I think he meant it in the nicest way. Like "That Michael Jordan really SUCKS!!!"

HateTheDrake
Pigman

Posts: 411

Reply: 18



PostPosted: April 12, 2005 5:00 PM 

No it's more like a spider in a toilet, I kind of rooted for him for a bit, but then I saw the script and so I flushed.

Gack
Wigmaster

Posts: 809

Reply: 19



PostPosted: April 12, 2005 11:03 PM 


I'm not reading the script. Far as I can tell, since it's scriptbuddy, and since it's called "Steinfeld," this is likely what's his name again... Scotty Cougar.

I will say, however, without even reading it, that it can't be any less imaginative than a rambling, blathering, creatively-bankrupt response about how he owes you for a new keyboard, yada, yada, yada.

JImmy


Posts: 5505

Reply: 20



PostPosted: April 13, 2005 5:58 AM 

Jimmy's with you, Gack. Never read it, never will.

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