Restaurant Rudeness: Ten Sure Signs of Assholism
1. Fast Food Specialty Order Assholes
Remember when fast food was fast? We took what we got, and we liked it! Now, people want their fast food any other way but the way it is intended on the menu.... and there's nothing fast about that. Bring back pre-cooked fast food that sits under heat lamps all day! Let these picky assholes stay home and fix their own meals.
2. Blame The Wait Staff Assholes
Restaurant wait staff should be licensed to shoot and kill anyone who discourteously blames them when their food is not prepared properly. Would people feel better if their servers tasted their food before bringing it to them to make sure it's right? The server's don't cook the food, cooks do! People who can't figure that out, are too stupid to eat in restaurants. What is so difficult about being polite to people who wait on us? Pricks should eat at home. Otherwise, mix in a complimentary magic lugey (or worse) in their dishes.
3. Employee Suppression Assholes
Next time you're wondering where your server has disappeared to, consider the possibility that he or she was stopped by "Employee Suppression Asshole" in another server's assigned section, either because he was too hungry, too stupid, or too rude to wait for HIS OWN server. People who interrupt employees who are not assigned to their tables, are slowing things down for others, and need to be shot from cannons naked into busy traffic!
4. Unrelenting Loitering Assholes
Kill all bloated slobs who hang around drinking, smoking, and bullshitting, knowing damn well that many other people are still waiting for a table. Every seat in every restaurant should have Dr. Evil-style trap doors underneath for these people to fall to their firery deaths after their time is up! Once the bill is paid, LEAVE if it's busy!
5. Revolting Aftermath Assholes
Cigarettes put out in food...wet, disgusting, slimy napkins... partially-liquified science experiments... shitty diapers left on tables (oh, yes... believe it). These shameless, sub-human animals should be branded with the word "SCUM" on their foreheads so they are never allowed in restaurants again.
6. Multiple Order Assholes
"Here's my order, and my money... here's my friend's order, and his money.... here's my girlfriend's order, and her money...." BAANNNNGGGG!!!! (another dead asshole!)
7. Undecided Drive-Thru Assholes
You can spot them a mile away; Mainly, mini-vans with kids, after-hours bar flies, and grunt trucks. Why do three guys crammed in the front seats of trucks full of landscaping tools, concrete equipment, or other greasy, rusted, indistinguishable contraptions, always cause such long delays at drive-thru lines? Anyone who is undecided, stutters, or changes their orders, should be starved to death so they'll wish they would've ate when they were given the chance.
8. Waitress Wheedling Assholes
Selfish, inconsiderate f**ks who flirt with waitresses while others are waiting for service, should be drowned in the men's room toilets! What kind of men obsess over women who repeatedly storm into kitchens calling them every derogatory name possible behind their backs? Get a clue, dumb shits!
9. Chronic Complaining Assholes
Always carrying their Complaint Rolodex's with them. They refuse to believe that any restaurant or staff could ever meet their obnoxious, impossible, standards, and live to find, or invent, problems to complain about. I say, force them to work in restaurants for one year, then once they've learned their lessons, gas them in the ovens.
10. Cork-Sniffing Assholes
If these flamboyant f**ks are so hell bent on pretending that they actually know how wine corks should smell, they should be forced to eat them to acquire a taste, as well. When they're finished eating them, open the trap doors underneath their seats... Bye, assholes! Just ask for a large plastic cup with ice and a box of Franzia, like a normal person!
Next Week... "Rapping Ghetto Scum In TV Commercials"