MAY BE IRREGULAR TO READ CUZ OF SMALL POST SIZE COPY INTO WORD IF NECESSARY
(Jerry and Elaine walk into the pet store)
Jerry: I don’t know why you want a fish, I mean they don’t do anything; they just sit there all day.
Elaine: Well so does Kramer, but we still like him.
Jerry: Yea well...
(George walks in)
Jerry & Elaine: Hey George
George: (Hesitant) Yea, yea.
Jerry: (puzzled) What’s with you?
George: (Looking around) Well my ahh, doctor gave me some hair restoration pills and one of the side effects is that I begin to get very paranoid.
Jerry: Again with this hair restoration, your bald accept it. Ghandi did... hell he made it fashionable.
(George looks at goldfish moving one fin)
George: Did that fish just give me the finga’?
Jerry: It’s a fish!
George: Uaauua... I’m going to go look at some other animals.
Elaine: Say Jerry where’s Kramer?
(Kramer creeping up holding a cage with a hawk and a mouse)
Jerry: Well he said he had a date, but I doubt that.
Kramer: Hey
Elaine: (surprised) Oh, hey what are you doing here?
Kramer: Well, uh, my date canceled so I decided to come buy some pets.
Elaine: Why?
Kramer: Well, I want some company on days like this when I don’t have a date.
Jerry: If that was true you’d by a pet for 343 days in the year.
Kramer: (Pop) You got it.
Elaine: Hey Kramer, why... why do you have that hawk in the same cage as that rat?
Kramer: It’s not a rat; it’s a mouse, an exotic mouse. I’m going to breed them and sell the kids for 100’s of dollars. I’m going to call it a Mawk.
Jerry: Why don’t you just call it a hat? Hawk and rAT.
Kramer: Well Jerry, you can’t sell a hat for more than 100 dollars. (Eyeballs exposing) You’re crazy.
Elaine: Well you’re crazy keeping those two in the same cage.
Kramer: Why is that?
Elaine: Because... .. .. Hawks eat mice.
Kramer: No they eat rats... WOOAHH.
(Kramer runs to the counter)
(Shouting)
Kramer: I need another cage!!!
(Jerry and Elaine start looking for a fish)
Jerry: So what kind of fish do you want?
Elaine: I don’t know...
(Jerry points at blue and white fish)
Jerry: How about this one
Elaine: No, it’s a saltwater fish.
Jerry: So?
Elaine: I don’t have a saltwater tank.
Jerry: so, just put some salt in the tank.
Elaine: No, it’s much more complicated than that.
(Elaine points at red cap fish)
Elaine: Look at that one it has a brain!
(George runs over)
George: Did you just say I don’t have a brain?!
Jerry: Yes and that man back there just took your purse.
George: What?!?
(Turns around it’s a mirror)
George: Wait a second, I don’t have a purse.
Jerry: Did I say purse? I meant wallet
(George punching plastic mirror)
George: Bastard!
George: Wait that’s me.
(George putting hand on forehead)
George: Oh man, I need to lye down.
(George sees turtle)
George: Hey turtle, turtle, turtle.
(Turtle sticks out tongue)
George: (talking to worker) Did you see that?
Worker: What?
George: That turtle just stuck his tongue out at me.
(Worker looks at turtle) Sir he’s eating.
George: oh..(Looking at turtle some more.
Worker: (quietly) But he might be making fun of you being bald.
(George eyes go wide, and he looks at his hair in mirror)
George: Oh my God! I’m bald! Wait a minute, I already know that. I’m not taking these pills any more; I’m sick of this side-effect.
(Throws pills out)
(Bottle in trash exposes another side-effect that says if not taken, during the first day; excessive screaming will occur.)
George: I gotta lye down.
(Sits in chair)
Jerry: Wow.
Elaine: (confused) What?
Jerry: That fish looks just like George’s dad.
Elaine: (looks carefully) Wow, it does. If you get Susan’s doll that looks like Georgey-boy’s mother, than he could have a family reunion right now.
Jerry: Well, you shouldn’t get that one.
Elaine: Oh, definitely.
Elaine How about that one?
Jerry: Yea it looks good, but you can’t have it alone.
Elaine: Why?
Jerry: Well, fish have this sort of, union.
Elaine: Union?
Jerry: Yea, if you buy one fish, it will just die in the tank, but if you buy 2 or more, than they’ll stay alive longer.
Elaine: Really?
Jerry: Yea, ever notice how fish always die? But they have a reason to live if they have comrades; they have hope of rebelling even stronger.
Elaine: You’re saying, that there’s some.. fish conspiracy that they won’t give people the pleasure of having them?
Jerry: Exactly.
Elaine: Well, I can’t get that one anyway.
Jerry: Why?
Elaine: The tag says, “reacquires 10 gallon tank”, and mines 2-gallon.
Jerry: Oh..
Elaine: Oh, I’ll just get two goldfish.
Jerry: I’ll get someone to get them for you.
(Jerry looking around for worker)
Elaine: Might as well name them.
(Thinking to herself)
Elaine’s thoughts: maybe I should name them Elaine jr. and buddy. No, I don’t know what gender they are. Maybe I should just give them a generic name like Jaime or Sam. No, I’ll just name them Darth Vader and.. Well that one goldfish looks like a microphone; wait what about George’s favorite name Seven? Yes Seven and Mickey! 200 dollar goldfish? I must be out of my mind, well I hope nothing happens to them.
(Jerry walking back)
Jerry: You know there are 500 pets in this store, and not one human.
Elaine: Well, it’s is a PET Store.
Man: Can I help you?
(They turn around and it is Puddy)
Jerry: (Smiling) Well you’re right, there are no humans here.
Puddy: Ha, good one. High-five..
Jerry: No.
Puddy: What do you need?
Elaine: (Shocked) Those two goldfish. Puddy, I thought you were a mechanic?
Puddy: No.. I was a car salesman remember? Well I was until my manager got mad that someone took a car out and tried to go as far as they could on a tank of gas.
Jerry: That was Kramer and some other dealer.
Puddy: Yea, well, the manager thought it was me and I was fired.
(P walks over to counter with fish)
Puddy: Okay, there aren’t any bags left, so I put them in a jar.
Elaine: Where’s the top, can’t they jump out?
Puddy: ..No.
(Elaine and Jerry start walking out)
(Kramer coming out with a different hawk)
Kramer: Hey! I got a new hawk it only eats goldfish, but don’t worry he only eats when someone screams.
Elaine: Good, these fish combined were 400 dollars, because they are EXOTIC goldfish, I can’t afford anything bad for them to happen.
(George coming back)
Kramer: Hey George, check out the hawk.
George: Yea, yea.
Kramer: George, don’t you need to take those hair-gain pills.
George: No, I can’t take the side effects.
Kramer: Well, I got you those pills for you, they were very hard to get, (screeching) I almost died!
Jerry: Kramer, you stood in a line for them.
Kramer: It was in the alley.
Jerry: The alley? So?
Elaine: Doesn’t sound like a legitament doctor’s office.
Kramer: Not just any alley, the alley where the huge pileup happened.
Jerry: How did a pile-up happen in the alley?
Kramer: Exactly how I could’ve died.
(Jerry rolling eyes)
Kramer: Well George there is a side-effect on the first day you stop taking it, you start excessively scre-
George: WHAT!?!?!
(Hawk alarmed breaks out of cage and goes towards fish)
Everyone: NOOO
Jerry’s voice during first credits: That’s a shame.
