This is for a book I'm currently writing...You people know comedy..tell me if you find it funny...
Bright Colored Tight Sweat Pants
Nothing says ďIím defeatedĒ more then relatively bright colored tight sweat pants. Itís a statement of complete and utter submission to society as a whole. The fact that people subject them selves to such a display of public humiliation is quite frankly gruesome and repulsive. Bright colored tight sweatpants that often reveal a middle-aged maleís genitalia is a sign from the subject of speaking without saying, ďkill me please.Ē
Iíll admit my physical fitness has been in question at times; I like the other fifty-seven percent of Americans could lose a few pounds. I tend to drink a lot of Diet Coke, if you didnít know Diet Coke has zero fat, zero carbohydrates and very little Sodium. Sounds great right? Thatís what I thought till I discovered that Diet Coke can lead to malignant tumors or even brain cancer. This shows you the lengths people will go to look fit. Who cares if it eats away bone marrow and crime scene clean up crews use it to clean the blood off interstates after a high speed police chase leads to a fatal nine car pile up. At least you can lose some weight right?
Book Bag on Wheels
Did you ever see those kids with the book bag on wheels? Let me re-phrase that, did you ever see that one kid with the book bag on wheels? I was walking through the halls of my High School when walking in front of me was a fat kid with greasy hair, bad glasses and that in-famous book bag on wheels. Is it really necessary to have wheels on a book bag? Have we reached the point in American Society of being so lethargically sluggish that our nationís youth utilize this method of transporting school supplies from one classroom to another?
Scary Sanitation and the Waste Removal Room
I desperately needed to use the rest room during my typing class. (The
Bathroom pass is a clipboard to clear up any confusion) I counted the names of people who used the pass in the last two days, the results were staggering. Roughly fifty students and or staff had used the rest room pass in the last two days. Thatís roughly twenty-five trips a day multiplied by 182 days in a school year. The estimated sum of trips to the rest room comes to about 84,550. When you consider that about 50 percent of people donít wash their hands after using the Rest Room you can divide 84,550 in half and that equals 42,275 un-sanitary trips to the Rest Room per year. Thatís a lot of germs. I really would like to submit an idea about using latex gloves during each trip to the Rest Room. Unfortunately there are two students who attend my High School who have a severe latex allergy that when exposed to latex material of any kind they break out into a seizure like convulsion. While being on the topic of Rest Room usage I thought Iíd address my concerns about the name ĎRest Roomí. People donít go into the Rest Room to rest; they go there to remove waste products from their body. The name ĎBath Roomí instead is also inaccurate. Other then the homeless nobody goes into a public ĎBath Roomí to bathe. Thus I come to the conclusion that society calls it the Waste Removal Room.
Being an over weight loser, when I actually do participate in athletic activities and I get dehydrated there is nothing more frustrating then water fountains that only have the water pressure to push the water up about half an inch above the surface. To me this is one of the most exasperating mental frustrations I have seen in my short life span. Itís bad enough that Iím fat and I need water, itís another thing to have a phobia about germs. Your tongue almost has to touch the metal part, a truly sickening display.
Shaking of Hands
When youíre introduced to somebody for the first time the general thing to do is shake a personís hand, correct? I find that the up and down motioning of two male hands while being grasped at the palm is quite frankly just another absentminded conventional method of doing things. Please give consideration to the places that hand you are converging with has touched. Why canít we just say ďNice to meet you, Iím so and so?Ē There came a period of time in my life where I just had to tell people, ďSorry, I donít do hands.Ē You may think Iím kidding, but Iíll have you know that this my friends was no joke. Letís put an end to the shaking of hands forever!
My High School pulled the whole senior prank thing in the spring of 2004; however this was no ordinary senior prank. These perpetrators of the school vandalized seventy school busses, tires were slashed, brakes were cut, and every door lock was cemented shut so there was no way of getting inside. Living through this experience has brought me to the conclusion that there is a fine line between a prankster looking at a week of detention and a convicted felon facing 15 to 20 years in big Bubbaís male love triangle.
Bottom of the Shoe
One thing that really grosses me out is when people touch the bottom of their shoes and donít proceed to wash their hands. In a menís Rest Room or as I call it, the Waste Removal Room, there is generally urine on the floors of stalls. I find it hard to believe that people walk in urine then follow it up by touching the bottom of their shoes. After not washing their hands they then eat something, itís basically like drinking urine when you consider all aspects. I find that the Asian community has the right idea about taking their shoes off before entering the confines of their home. Through out the duration of a day itís very possible to step in dog shit, male urine, used motor oil, or even the remains of a poor animals guts that has been spewed over the side of the road after being flattened by a Mack truck. Now youíre telling me that a person is going to walk into your home and step on your expensive white carpets with those filthy and repulsive shoes on? I donít think so.
Some television commercials are so pointless. Did you ever sit and wonder after watching a commercial what the hell does that have to do with Bud Weiser? Itís like Iím sitting there and all of a sudden thereís s computer animated infantile super baby doing the salsa after escaping the claws of a rabid dingo on my T.V. screen and Iím just saying what the hell? Then it goes to a black screen and a car companyís name is advertised with the price of APR and the price of a lease with the bare minimum features in it. Of course this leaves me in a blank stare completely befuddled until the next re-run of Seventh Heaven comes on. Commercials should advertise the companyís product.
Foot Long Hotdogs
At a recent Phillies game I attended I noticed a hotdog stand offering foot long hotdogs. Under normal circumstances I would have passed on the foot longs. However every other line for food was just too long of a wait on top of the fact that I hadnít ate anything all day. I decided to order two foot long hotdogs. Thatís a hefty 24 inches of cow. If I had more money I think I would have made it a cool yard. Now isnít this a perfect example of the excessive gluttonous that runs through our country. Is it really necessary to consume a full 36 inches of cow in one sitting? As a true American I say yes to that.
At the same Phillies game I attended and bought two foot long hot-dogs I also encountered yet another sign of the excessive gluttonous that runs through the veins of my fellow Americans. When arriving at the stadium we were going to our outfield seats and to get up that high you either have to walk up a ramp with an incline of about two inches or of course use the more popular mode of transportation, the escalators. I think I spotted one other person walking up the ramp. The escalator was jam packed with people. Iíve never seen an escalator so congested in all my years of life. Now is it really that hard to walk up a ramp? Better yet a ramp with an incline of about two inches. God forbid we use our legs. It just baffles the mind to see that human beings have become such inactive apathetic slug-like losers.
Whatís the allure with going to the beach? Is it the sand, the ocean, the demented seagulls who like to attack you for food and then shit all over the beach? I just never got the point of lying on sand in the intense heat then swimming in water that millions of people have urinated in. The Ocean is the worldís toilet really. Thereís nothing like walking out into the Ocean off the coast of Atlantic City then in the distance seeing smoke stacks after stepping on a heroin needle beneath the water that is completely black after you walk out five feet.
With all the typing I do writing this book Iíve caught site that the keys on a keyboard are arranged as so. Top Row: QWERTYUIOP, Middle Row: ASDFGHJKL, Last Row: ZXCVBNM. Why isnít the keyboard arranged as we know it in the order of the alphabet? The letters A, B, C, then D and so on. Why this odd combination of keys over the simpler arrangement most Americans and beyond identify as the Alphabet? Iíve had this fixation over where the fucking keys should be inserted for a reasonably elongated period of time. It is only now that I can vent my dissatisfaction with the keyboard designers.
Santa vs. Jesus
How did jolly old St. Nick come into the picture? It all started when the birth of Jesus brought upon three wise men who gave him all gifts. No not a twenty-five dollar gift certificate to a local AMC Movie Theater. Weíre talking about high quality shit here. Now could somebody please explain to me how three supposedly wise men turned into a world wide gift giving phenomenon in which an unknown fat man dressed in a red suit from head to toe with the alias ĎSantaí and his flock of flying rein deer who come through your chimney and situate gift offerings under a pointed green tree ornamented with miniature M & M figurines and glass balls came into the picture? I can sum up the answer into three letters, LSD.
Iím sure youíve heard of the computer software designed by Microsoft identified with as ĎWindowsí. Is it me or could Bill Gates and company think of a more lackluster and absentminded name for their number on selling product? What the hell do windows have to do with a computer? I guess after Mr. Gates spent countless hours formulating and refining his greatest product of all he took about three tenths of a second to think of the most random word and utilized it as the name of the most world renown computer program in the history of mankind.
Physical Education Teachers
Your 15 years old, you walk into your High School gym for the first time, needless to say the testosterone is flaring like an inferno, the masculinity stretches from one side of the gym to the other. This my friends is Physical Education of the highest degree. Phys. Ed. Teachers operate as if they are Gestapo like drill sergeants with the weight of the world resting squarely on their shoulders. They have been through wide spread vigorous training for this immense undertaking. Two whole years at a local community college! Itís pretty safe to say that these individuals are so qualified that a game as intricate as dodge ball can be organized without crisis. The pure hatred I have for Phys. Ed. Teachers bolts through my veins like a heroin addict who injected a needle after being stranded on an island for seven weeks. The wide majority of Phys. Ed. Teachers are egotistical maniacs who live solely to wear warm up suits and sweat in a gym that sizzles like a hillbilly cooking a squirrel on a frying pan. The real question is why do these people feel they are better then everyone else? Could it possibly be the money? I mean, I know 27 Ďkí is a big salary but thereís no need to rub it in our faces. They drive around in their 1994 GEO Metroís with the top down and that fancy wood grain paneling and deem themselves a more vital part of society. Why? Just because they have full access to over forty-seven Spalding basketballs and every gym locker combination I the school doesnít mean they have to wipe it in our faces like the after math of a Ron Jeremy porno film.