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The (Seinfeld) Contender - Round 2

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J. Chiles







PostPosted: May 17, 2005 7:07 PM 

It’s over. Round One of “The (Seinfeld) Contender” is history. Oh, the inhumanity! Winners on the preliminary card will be obvious from the Round Two pairings below. No bittahness or sowahness if your chap did not prevail! Again, no complicated rules. Just pick yer best bet for the winners in each of the tilts below. Most votes moves to the next round. Just the name of your conqueror is fine, but if ya wansta leave reasons, go for it! Oh, you can vote if you did not vote in Round 1, but if you did vote in Round 1 you should vote in Round 2.

Special thanks to Bookman for voting and breaking a couple of ties. The Bob/Cedric tie would have been particularly nettlesome because I’d have had to toss a two-headed coin (if you catch my drift) and I wasn’t sure if I could even do so without incurring interference by hitting the edge of the table. Could have gone to odds/evens at that point but, since both gents are “odds”, I’d still have been stuck.

Have fun. But, please, as always, no wagering! Voting will commence starting….now…

1. George vs. Jackie Chiles, Esq.
2. Charlie vs. Marcelino
3. Jerry vs. Banya
4. Puddy vs. Antonio
5. Soup Nazi vs. Babu
6. Mickey vs. Cedric
7. Ron vs. Newman
8. Carl vs. FDR

cousin jeffrey
Vile Weed

Posts: 1714

Reply: 1



PostPosted: May 17, 2005 8:18 PM 

1) Jackie, but it's a close one. If this were against virtually any other guy, no doubt George wins by fighting dirty. But as you can see in The Finale when Jackie's in bed with Sidra, he's got some body on him. And smart, like a computer! And without groin stuff, George is basically a coward.

2)Marcelino wins. Because Charlie isn't a character who deserves to go to Round 3. He has maybe 2 lines, is that the kind of guy we want as the Champ?

3)This is pretty tough as well. As before, Banya's been working out. But jerry has a genuine disliking of Bania. Bania only wants to be Jerry's friend, so perhaps there's a lack of motivation on his part. Jerry wins a close one.

4)The Biggest matchup yet, and probably of the whole thing. Puddy wins. He's huge. Headshots probably won't do much damage. And he's a Devil's fan. Again, it's close.

5)Round 2's Clash of the immigrants. Soup Nazi is all talk, no walk. We all know how angry Babu can get. And he's probably still steaming after getting deported. He was willing to kill both Jerry and Elaine. All Soup Nazi can do is refuse to serve soup.

6)Mickey is a midget. Cedric is a ...well...whatever. Cedric wins.

7)Haven't we seen this matchup before? Except Newman doesn't have Kramer in his corner. I don't see how Ron can lose, if he's already taken on both of them. Ron wins in a landslide.

Cool Although Carl is a big guy, he's just too nice a guy. FDR wins.

Sorry to have pulled a Gack, but I think as there are less and less matchups, there's more room for commentary.

J. Chiles


Posts: 5139

Reply: 2



PostPosted: May 17, 2005 8:35 PM 

Oh, commentary away. I'm here strictly for the material anyway! Wink

Bookman
Condo Board President

Posts: 2988

Reply: 3



PostPosted: May 17, 2005 10:22 PM 

1. George vs. Jackie Chiles. Winner: Jackie. George is easily cowed by tough talk from tall men (remember "The Statue"?). Jackie would scare him to death. Besides, George is afraid to get hit in the face. And he runs like a girl.
2. Charlie vs. Marcelino. Winner: Marcelino. I peg these two for a copuple of druggies. But Marcelino would be on coke, and Charlie would be on weed.
3. Jerry vs. Banya. Winner: Banya. Banya ran after that English dude to tear the suit off him. Jerry (with Kramer next to him) ran from Cedric & Bob. Enough said.
4. Puddy vs. Antonio. Winner: Puddy. Antonio could run, but he couldn't hide.
5. Soup Nazi vs. Babu. Winner: Babu. I picked Babu to get here, not the Soup Nazi. As before, the Soup Nazi's hands are his life. He won't fight.
6. Mickey vs. Cedric. Winner: Cedric. Cedric doesn't even need to throw punches. He can just wring Mickey's neck.
7. Ron vs. Newman. Winner: Ron. Ron kicked Newman's butt before, and he'd do it again.
8. Carl vs. FDR. Winner: FDR. I don't think anybody in the history of the show--except, possibly, Brody--is scarier than FDR.

J. Chiles


Posts: 5139

Reply: 4



PostPosted: May 17, 2005 10:55 PM 

1. Jackie Chiles, Esq. George cried when the officer gave him a ticket and yelled at him for bootlegging, and he can’t even pin Frank in “Feats of Strength”. George has some nice pecs, but Jackie’s are better.

2. Marcelino. Marcelino has the look of a devious, mean bastard and Charlie just looks dumb. Charlie gives him the tongue look in an attempt to intimidate, but Marcelino is unimpressed, upsiding his head with a cement-filled tamale to seal the deal quickly, and then slyly skims his cut from the gate and claims the vig of all bookies present.

3. Jerry. The smart money is on Banya, all else equal. But, Banya will cow to Jerry for fear that Jerry will cut off his supply of “GOLD”!

4. Antonio. Precipitating this moderate upset, Antonio learns of Puddy’s germ phobia and arranges to have the bout slated for his old apartment. Fighting the dual urges to hurl or flee, Puddy ultimately succumbs and faints dead away when the door is left closed and the cat stays inside. Antonio by default.

5. Babu. Babu always exacts his revenge and he’s pissed that the Nazi got all the customers and left none for the Dream Café. Wags his foot-long finger in the Nazi’s face as they drag him from the arena.

6. Mickey. Small, yes, but one tough sum bea, and he takes crap from NOBODY! Dives into Cedric like a buzz saw, crotch high. Cedric, experienced in this approach, relaxes, expecting something completely different. Mickey sits on a limp Cedic and smokes a cigarette while wooing Tammi into a rain-check lunch. Others are agog, but Babu’s brother is heard to say, “No, too fruity.”

7. Newman. Pay backs are a real bitch, and Ron’s got one coming. Acting on his own, instead of as Kramer’s mouthpiece, Newman envisions Ron as the one who sends out all those record club packages, flyers, and bills. Destroys Ron and continues to rant, face red, eyes bulging, until someone yells, “NEWMAN”, when he quickly calms and opens a Chunky.

8. FDR. As George feels about Elaine, as Elaine feels about Snowball, and as Kramer feels about clowns, FDR scares me. He gives a snarl and blows poor Carl over like a birthday cake full of candles.

J. Chiles


Posts: 5139

Reply: 5



PostPosted: May 17, 2005 11:03 PM 

CJ, noticing Jackie's body does not necessarily mean that you are a homosexual.

Gack
Wigmaster

Posts: 809

Reply: 6



PostPosted: May 17, 2005 11:19 PM 


it doesn't help.

Mr Papanickolas
Germaphobe

Posts: 40

Reply: 7



PostPosted: May 17, 2005 11:46 PM 

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Anyway, here are my votes:
1. Jackie - George can only win if he sticks with the opposite, which he failed to stick with after that episode, Jackie is too good with his words.

2. Charlie - Just cause he needs the votes at the moment and I think Marcelino would underestimate him.

3. Banya - Has has it all over Jerry, I recall about 3 meals (including the soup) which Jerry paid for. Jerry is too nice (How could anyone not like him?)

4. Puddy - you don't want to be messing with Puddy. In think Puddy has Antonio for size. Antonio is a softy. Can't imagine meeting puddy on the street after a DEVILS win.

5. Soup Nazi - all Babu can do is wave is finger. Soup nazi makes everyone shake in their boots except for Elaine.

6. Mickey - one fisty little person. Managed to kick Kramer's ass. Can't see why he couldn't handle Cedric.

7. Ron - Newman is too fat and too slow. I agree with Bookman's comments.

8. Carl - He is the exterminator need I say anything more.

Mr Papanickolas
Germaphobe

Posts: 40

Reply: 8



PostPosted: May 17, 2005 11:51 PM 

Sorry on the Mickey comments, it should read "feisty" not "fisty". It sounds so wrong.

HateTheDrake
Pigman

Posts: 411

Reply: 9



PostPosted: May 18, 2005 12:54 PM 

1. Jackie-Jackie pummels George in the very first few minutes. It's outrageous. George weary and sweating already from spicy kung pao chicken pre-fight, surrenders. Frank comes in and smacks him in head calling him a disgrace.

2. Marcelino-Charlie obscenely does the tounge wag to Marcelino's hot wife sitting ringside, and signs his death certificate. Marcelino wrenches Charlie in a sweaty-smelly-chokehold that neither the referee nor security can stop. Charlie suffocates with his tounge hanging out into the afterlife.

3. Banya-Banya mimics every one of Jerry's moves and because he works out, his do more damage. Banya finishes Jerry with a foot to the chin and smashes a gold buillon onto Jerry's head. No need to type what he said afterwards. Another 25 minute celebration ensues.

4. Antonio-In a valiant effort the angry Span...Lati...er, Mexican-American(should we be talking about this?) fighting for country and cat is to fast for the oafish Puddy. Using the rope a dope tactic Antonio wears him down and Puddy collapses in exhaustion and stupor. Too much Arby's.

5. Soup Nazi-A grotesque display as the evil mustachaioed man beats poor Babu into a pulp. Literally. Then after chopping him into tiny pieces, serves him to the crowd in soup called "Babubased Soup" garnished with green card. The reluctant crowd first hesitates then partake. After all the man knows his soup.

6.Mickey-Crawling into Eric's suit the little person scores another one. In a scene that looked something like Chucky combined with Alien. Mickey repeatedly stabs Eric with his shoe lift. Finally tearing from the midsection of the clown suit victorious.

7. Ron-Newman attempting to sabotage and steal yet another win by hooking up Ron's record player to a bomb goes awry. Ron sleeps in the store. Newman tries to escape out a window but becomes stuck. And for the second time Ron calmly pulls out his shotgun and does not fail to miss the incredibly obese target's backside.

8. FDR- Many lose their bets in this one as sadly for Carl, the fight happens to land on FDR's birthday, plus a shooting star goes by, plus FDR visits a wishing well, and plucks out every eyelash. Bad karma. Carl dies in his sleep pre-fight of unknown causes.

Is someone working on a video game of this? Some nerd out there must know enough computer programming to make this demented idea a reality. I'll just wish for it.

J. Chiles


Posts: 5139

Reply: 10



PostPosted: May 18, 2005 1:09 PM 

Jackie's got copyrights in any case. Any one who develops this game has gotta let Jackie cash in. Well, Jackie and Jerry/Larry creature.

Marcelino
Wealthy Industrialist

Posts: 473

Reply: 11



PostPosted: May 18, 2005 1:13 PM 

1. George. Groin ploughs through Jackie like claws his was through Jackie...

2. Marcelino. Charlie is certainly not above the policy and is downed quickly and effortlessly. In an unprecedented move, Marcelino sews Charlie's ass to his face as a sign for what his next opponent should expect.

3. Jerry. Banya is perpetually destined to ride Jerry's coat tails. Jerry wins easily.

4. Puddy. Puddy attempts an atomic wedgie on Antonio for the win. But, Antonio goes commando, so Puddy resorts to an atomic-slim-fit-wedgie over Antonio's head. That's gotta hurt, I don't care where you're from.

5. Soup Nazi. Babu shakes his finger and cries, "No soup for me." The Soup Nazi, not amused, stuffs Babu into a cauldron and marches onto round three.

6. Mickey. Cedric is no lion. Mickey hog ties him and takes back Kramer's armoir.

7. Ron. Newman scurries up a tree and Ron wins by default.

8. Carl. Carl takes an early FDR-pebble-filled-snowball to the face. Fortunately, he recovers in time to bash FDR's skull into a vegematic like a bad cabbage and carve his initials in FDR's brain tissue.

Marcelino
Wealthy Industrialist

Posts: 473

Reply: 12



PostPosted: May 18, 2005 1:15 PM 

(don't worry, i'm not even sure what i meant for #1.. nevertheless, George wins! George wins!)

HateTheDrake
Low-Talker

Posts: 10

Reply: 13



PostPosted: May 18, 2005 1:33 PM 

Before anyone else says it, yes I just realized I messed up. Why I put Eric in there I don't know. My bad. Mickey still wins. I never liked Cedric anyway.

J. Chiles


Posts: 5139

Reply: 14



PostPosted: May 18, 2005 2:42 PM 

Good thing, cause somebody woulda! Wink

Ramon
Bubble Boy

Posts: 360

Reply: 15



PostPosted: May 19, 2005 12:00 PM 

for the record, i nailed 13 out of 16 picks in round one... see now that's a cool G, daddy-o. now i gotta let it RRRRIIIIDDDDEE.

let's start the insanity

1. George vs. Jackie Chiles, Esq.: a shouting match the likes of which we here at Cage Fighters haven't seen in a while ensues. Waving his hands in the air like a monkey, George assaults Jackie with a tongue lashing that leaves the Chiles grandparents covering their ears. Jackie, realizing that a battle of words may not be the best way to go, suggests they settle this like adults: INKA-DINK. George is it, and tries to claim victory, but Jackie is wise, and exclaims that "IT is BAD!" George is out. Jackie wins.

2. Charlie vs. Marcelino: Marcelino marches into the ring, and tapes one of Charlies checks to the cage wall and says "if you beat me, then i'll take it down. that's our deal." Cries of "Stop the fight!" are heard in the background. Charlie is undaunted, standing proud in his corner sporting a Braveheart-esque kilt and blue war paint. Marcelino head fakes him with a pack of juicy fruit, but slips and breaks his ankle. Charlie instinctively shoots him in the head as an act of sympathy. Chucky boy wins.

3. Jerry vs. Banya: Banya comes out aggresively, and tries to put the dreaded oval-can-submission hold on j-dog. narrowly escaping, jerry eye-snaps banya with a rainbow suspender slingshot. blind and clumsy, banya then finds that his head has been shoved into a bowl of soup, and jerry makes him blow bubbles. After unsuccessfully trying to find some one who will perform mouth to mouth on banya, he dies, and jerry is declared the winner.

4. Puddy vs. Antonio: This is our heavy weight battle, folks. Puddy arrives in the ring sporting his Devils face paint, and "grease monkey" printed on the back of his jersey. Antonio is next to arrive. He enters the rings, and Pequita is in his corner sporting a very revealing two-piece. Puddy tries to give him a tune up, and antonio cleans up puddy's dirty dishes. Puddy's size advantage seems to be wearing antonio out (Pequita has a worried look in her eyes) when a gas main blows in the arena, sending a piece of shrapnel clear though dave's heart.... killing him. Antonio wins a squeaker.

5. Soup Nazi vs. Babu: Babu comes out flying, scoring several double hot towel blows to the nazi's face.... but that's the end of the good news for our pakistani friend. The soup nazi pulls out his soup ladel num chucks, and lays down a beating that would make the marquis de sade blush. On tonights menu: beef and babu soup. Soup nazi advances.

6. Mickey vs. Cedric: Mickey has tons of spunk and intensity, but he's really, really small. Noticing his VeRY tight jeans, Mickey tries to force Ced to sit down. Cedric criticizes mikeys shirt, claiming he saw cosmo wearing the same one, and then procedes to beat him with his own 'lifts'. The match ends with mickey on the floor and a red ribbon pinned to his shirt. Cedric Wins.

7. Ron vs. Newman: It's raining on this match day, and Ron thinks he has it won. But in walks Newmey, with two water bottles full of mustard. Realizing that he is much older and weaker than his foe, Ron is nervous. Then newman pulls out a pair of scissors, and exacts an Abdulah the Butcher masacre spilling blood everywhere. Newman steps back, ponders his work, then pours mustard on him, and exclaims to the crowd "I made a hot dog outta Ron... You're next FDR!!!" (Ron is returned to sender. Newman advances)

8. Carl vs. FDR: Carl shows up to the match well prepared in a gortex snow suit. but fdr pulls out his trusty mini cooler and cold cocks carl in the head. propmtly, fdr removes one of carls kidneys (hot dogs alone can't support this man's lifestyle) and declares himself the winner.

stay outta the deep end.

J. Chiles


Posts: 5139

Reply: 16



PostPosted: May 19, 2005 4:37 PM 

Gack, Jimmy, Gendison, others?

Gendison
Bad Breaker Upper

Posts: 3306

Reply: 17



PostPosted: May 19, 2005 4:52 PM 

OK, Jackie, I'm in, but I can't post right now...Sorry....I'll definitely do it by the end of the day...Let's get ready to RUUUUUMMMMMMBBBBLLLLE!!!!

Jimmy


Posts: 5505

Reply: 18



PostPosted: May 19, 2005 4:54 PM 

Jimmy's still reading Gack's first round. Nobody has it available on tape. Gonna take nap, then post round two tonight-ish.

Gack
Wigmaster

Posts: 809

Reply: 19



PostPosted: May 19, 2005 11:22 PM 


Well, guess what? It's Friday afternoon, I get to go home right away, and I have no time to do anything except cast my vote. I can see the look in Jimmy's eyes, the look that says, "it's a god-blessing."

1. Jackie. Ever notice his initials? He can't lose.

2. Marcelino. Charlie might be a man, but Marcelino is DA man.

3. Banya. He's eaten Jerry's laughs, and now he'll eat his face.

4. Puddy. That's right.

5. Babu. Soup Nazi is a loose cannon, but he doesn't know where to project his anger. Babu has tasted the bottoms of a lot of shoes, and he's a !@#$% armed bomb.

6. Cedric. Two classic comedy whipping boys: the midget (sorry, little person) and the gay guy (sorry, the alternative lifestyler). Cedric, for no particular reason.

7. Ron. I'd like to pull for Newmie, but he is simply overmatched. Ron in a walk.

8. FDR. A slightly longer walk, but a walk nonetheless.

Jimmy


Posts: 5505

Reply: 20



PostPosted: May 19, 2005 11:39 PM 

01. George
02. Marcelino
03. Banya
04. Puddy
05. Soup Nazi
06. Cedric
07. Ron
08. FDR

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