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The (Seinfeld) Contender - Round 3

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J. Chiles

PostPosted: May 20, 2005 10:36 AM 

OK, the judges have weighed in and we have our winners in Round 2. Well, kinda. With three ties, Jackie was on a bit of a spot. Suzie sent e-mails to Stan the Caddy, The Maestro, and Ms. Mischke to settle the draws. Stan replied that the whole event was “under par” and headed for Westchester with Mr. Kramer. Suzie CC’d the e-mail to Bob Cobb, and he replied with nothing more than “I prefer to be called Maestro”. Ms. Mischke said that she’d pick anyone that Elaine didn’t pick. Well, that was fallacious, spurious, and egregious because Elaine didn’t vote – but Jackie’s got himself a date for Saturday night (albeit, a desperate date).

So, Dr. Bison suggested that we use the votes of Mr. Papanickolas to break the deadlocks since he was the only one to vote in Round 2 that did not vote in Round 1. Outrageous! But quick! 

Again, no complicated rules. Just pick yer best bet for the winners in each of the tilts below. Most votes moves to the next round. Just the name of your conqueror is fine, but if ya wansta leave reasons, go for it (Jimmy and Gendison)! Have fun. But, please, as always, no wagering! Voting will commence starting….now…

Round 3

1) Jackie Chiles (Esquire) vs. Marcelino (The Cockfighter)
2) Banya (Hack) vs. FDR (Wiener vendor)
3) Puddy (face painter) vs. Soup Nazi (The)
4) Ron (record vendor) vs. Mickey (mid…, er, Little Person)

J. Chiles

Posts: 5139

Reply: 1

PostPosted: May 20, 2005 1:20 PM 

Jackie Chiles v. Marcelino

Jackie’s faced many a public embarrassment in the past, and this matchup proves no exception. Expecting Perry Como, he finds himself pitted against The Cockfighter, instead. Sensing no way to win, but lusting for the winner’s cash prize, Jackie devises an alternative scheme. He claims an unavoidable appointment with Dr. Bison and forfeits the clash before so much as a peck is delivered. He immediately instructs Suzie to draft litigation proposals against the tournament promoters, sends them to all previous match losers, and salivates at the prospect of cashing in on their wretched disfigurements.

Banya v. FDR

Banya, flush from his victory over Jerry, is brimming with confidence he enters the arena. His hopes fade like the ink on a laundry ticket as FDR stuffs him into a wiener casing he has specially made for the event. FDR selects a Kaiser roll from Jerry’s stockroom, places Bayna within, garnishes him with every condiment imaginable, and serves him up with a giant lollipop, on the side. Now, THAT’s a meal.

Puddy v. Soup Nazi

Puddy’s spirits are buoyed (or is it boyed) come fight time as Elaine is in the crowd yelling, “You’re through, Soup Nazi”. Infuriated, Yem hurls at Puddy hundreds of rock-hard bread pieces that he has held back from unsuspecting customers over the years. Puddy, unfazed, yells to Elaine, “When this is over, I’ll come to your place. We’ll make out.” Puddy, taking the fight more seriously now, chews a bite out of the Nazi’s ear, spits it out, and says he needs more salt – toying with what he knows are the Nazi’s hot spots. Humiliated, the Soup Laddler leaves the ring in a huff and was last seen boarding a jet for Argentina.

Ron v. Mickey

OK, Ron can take care of himself and he don’t give a crap what anyone thinks. But, neither does Mickey, and Mickey’s been my dark-horse (pony) through this whole thing. So, I ain’t yankin’ the lifts from under him just yet. Ron, thinking he’ll intimidate Mickey by talking smack to him from behind the record store counter he installs at the venue, suddenly leaps over the counter toward a sturdy, bug-eyed, and clenched teeth Mickey, misjudges the distance, and flies over Mickey’s head, crumpling into a pile of Ray Conniff favorites on vinyl. Mickey mounts himself on Ron’s turntable, sets it to spinning, cues himself up, and performs an “in the round” dialogue sampling from “Flesh Wounds in Ithaca”.

Bubble Boy

Posts: 360

Reply: 2

PostPosted: May 20, 2005 1:52 PM 

well played!

Bad Breaker Upper

Posts: 3306

Reply: 3

PostPosted: May 20, 2005 2:48 PM 

I'll see you in hell Ramon.

(will do my picks later)

cousin jeffrey
Vile Weed

Posts: 1714

Reply: 4

PostPosted: May 21, 2005 2:01 PM 

BTW, how come Frank Costanza isn't in the mix?

1. I like Jackie to take it. Rather easily too.

2. FDR wins easily.

3. Puddy wins easily.

4. How a midget can make it to the 3rd round is beyond me. Ron wins.

Condo Board President

Posts: 2988

Reply: 5

PostPosted: May 21, 2005 8:59 PM 

1. Marcelino.

2. FDR

3. Puddy

4. Ron

J. Chiles

Posts: 5139

Reply: 6

PostPosted: May 21, 2005 10:05 PM 

Waht everyone's saving their material for the finals or sick of the whole deal?

Bad Breaker Upper

Posts: 3306

Reply: 7

PostPosted: May 21, 2005 10:13 PM 

I've run out of material...but here's my picks.

1) Jackie...He, too looks like Sugar Ray.
2) Banya...I hate the guy, but fat guys only LOOK scary.
3) Puddy. You fight better when you're relaxed, and Puddy's too stupid to get emotional.
4) Ron. Sorry Mickey, there's only so much you can do to an ankle.


Posts: 10

Reply: 8

PostPosted: May 22, 2005 5:41 PM 

1) Jackie Chiles
2) Banya
3) Puddy
4) Ron


Posts: 40

Reply: 9

PostPosted: May 23, 2005 1:21 AM 

1) Marcelino

2) FDR

3) Puddy - he wouldn't take that Soup Nazi crap. (He's got that "I don't give a shit who you are" look about him)

4)Ron (little people can't win 3 fights in a row)

Mr Papanickolas

Posts: 40

Reply: 10

PostPosted: May 23, 2005 1:22 AM 

1) Marcelino

2) FDR

3) Puddy - he wouldn't take that Soup Nazi crap. (He's got that "I don't give a S*%T who you are" look about him)

4)Ron (little people can't win 3 fights in a row)


Posts: 411

Reply: 11

PostPosted: May 23, 2005 1:39 PM 

1. Marcelino-Jackie brimming with confidence pre fight pays a visit to Marcelino's wife. So sure is he of the coming death of Marcelino he convinces her to sign the death certificates and turn over ownership of the building to him. After sleeping with her(he's a man too) he puts into effect one of his cherished clients requests and orders all the peepholes reversed. Marcelino returning home from God knows where finds everything
from the paperwork to the billboard on the side of the building with Jackie's face on it. Needless to say the cage fight is an absolute bloodbath as an enraged Marcelino exacts punishment on the charismatic lawyer.
Suzie arranges the burial of Chiles, ownership of the building returned to Marcelino and has other Suzie arrange for him to have a cafe latte.

2. FDR. Banya having never crossed paths with FDR before has no idea what to do. FDR arrives completely nude, covered in war paint, and carrying a large garden gnome, and also quite mad. Banya cries for his mudda. FDR proceeds to cuff Banya to the cage and with an exacto knife removes his scalp and with the deceased Watley's drill, removes the upper half of his skull.
FDR then begins poking his brain in the region that produces speech and humour, making Banya do a 10 minute zombie stand up
routine. Zombie Banya is booed by the bloodthirsty crowd and is promptly impaled upon the aforementioned gnome. FDR then scrawls upon the mat "Release" in blood and exits the arena.

3. Soup Nazi- The next set of contenders are already to get in the cage as it looks as if Puddy will destroy the Soup Nazi in the first ten seconds. Before the bell rings Puddy is already pummeling the brilliant chef into cookie dough. Before blacking out Soup Nazi changes the tide and scores the win. He pretends to surrender. Holding up a feeble hand he murmurs, "You win my friend, high-five." A confused Puddy knows that he must finish the Soup Nazi but would hate to leave a "high-five" hanging. Elaine shouts out "What the hell are you doing? Finish him you idiot or we're through again!!" Unable to resist a bitchin' "high-five"
coupled with the nagging Elaine, a foolish Puddy goes for the friendly hand slap.
All the while giving Soup Nazi's assistant enough time to climb onto the cage and after
her employer uses all effort to roll away pours pot after pot of boiling Mulligatani onto the still smiling oaf. Puddy has no time to scream but melts and is collected up into another pot and served to the crowd. "Grease Monkey Stew" is receieved first hesitantly again but then thoroughly enjoyed. Bread extra $3.00. The man still knows his soup.

4. Ron-Mickey first looks as if he's going to pull of the upset as he rains blows upon Ron's legs and knees severely crippling him. A limping Ron exits the arena trying to get back to his lair, the record shop. Mickey running through the streets is mistaken for a missing child from a field trip and is hauled off by an overzealous teacher's aide to a school bus. After castrating the bus driver and traumatizing spoiled brats from the Hamptons, Mickey hauls a' to the record shop, kids in tow. The ridiculous mixup however gives Ron plenty of time to get to the store before Mickey finally arrives.
Mickey walks in and triggers a recording of "It's Small World After All", insulted enraged and losing focus he charges at what he thinks is Ron in the dark store. However it is a old cardboard cutout of Billy Idol and Mickey rips right through it.
Meeting him on the other side is Ron with huge handful of every Alvin and the Chipmunks records in dolby. Mercilessly smashing the huge worthless stack of records onto the head of the insulted midget. Then yes, for the third time Ron
pulls out that wicked sawed off and does his thing. Bookies begin making odds for the FDR-Ron match a battle of the completely deranged and without conscience.


Posts: 809

Reply: 12

PostPosted: May 23, 2005 8:21 PM 

1. Jackie Chiles vs Marcelino... Maybe someday Marcelino will win a fight. And that day is today.

2.Banya vs FDR... Banya's my dark horse. Then again, he's a dark horse for a reason. FDR slips Banya the sausage and wins in less than a minute.

3. Puddy vs Soup Nazi... He's a fellow Devils fan. Always go with your own. Let's go, Puddy, let's go!! *clap clap* Let's go, Puddy, let's go!!

4. Ron vs Mickey... In all brutal honesty, he is just a -- little person. There's no reason why he should have made it this far. Ron shrink wraps him (no pun intended) like a stack of used 45s.


Posts: 5505

Reply: 13

PostPosted: May 23, 2005 9:16 PM 

1. Marcelino.
2. FDR
3. Puddy
4. Ron

J. Chiles

Posts: 5139

Reply: 14

PostPosted: May 23, 2005 9:26 PM 


Round 3 is Heestory!

Round 4 some time in the future.

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Copyright ©2003, Mark Carey.