Written by: Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld
Directed by: Tom Cherones
Broadcasted: May 23, 1991 for the first time.
Stars: Jerry Seinfeld, Michael Richards,
Jason Alexander, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, and James Hong (as Bruce).
[Setting: Night club]
JERRY: I'm on the street the other day, make a pay phone call, go overtime into the call, hang up the phone, walk away. You've had this happen? Phone rings. It's the phone company. They want more money. Don't you love this? And you've got them right where you want them for the first time in your life. You're on the street, there's nothing they can do. I like to let it ring a few times, you know, let her sweat a little over there. And then, just pick it up, "Yeah, hello operator.. oh, I've got the money.. I've got the money right here. You hear that? (Taps it against an imaginary phone), that's a quarter.. yeah, you want that, don't ya?
[Setting: Chinese restaurant]
(Dinnertime on a Sunday. Jerry, Elaine, and George enter. They wait to be seated)
ELAINE: No, they just have to get more cops on the force. It's as simple as that.
GEORGE: Cops. I don't even care about cops. I wanna see garbagemen. It's much more important. All I wanna see are garbage trucks, garbage cans, and garbagemen. You're never gonna stop crime. We should at least be clean.
JERRY: I tell ya what they should do. They should combine the two jobs. Make it one job, cop slash garbageman. I always see cops walking around with nothing to do. Grab a broom! Start sweeping. You sweep, sweep, sweep, sweep, catch a criminal, get right back to sweeping.
ELAINE: (Sarcastic) You should run for mayor.
JERRY: Ah, nobody listens.
ELAINE: Where is someone? I'm starving.
GEORGE: That's him, right here.
(A host named Bruce stands at a podium, looking over the waiting list)
ELAINE: Is there a table ready?
BRUCE: How many?
ELAINE: (To Jerry and George) How many?
GEORGE: I don't know. I have to call her - tell her where we are. I'm very lucky that she's even considering seeing me at all.
JERRY: Really? I thought things were going okay.
GEORGE: They were.. It's kind of complicated.
JERRY: What is it?
(George gestures that he doesn't want to talk about it)
ELAINE: How many?
JERRY: Alright.. Four. Seinfeld.
BRUCE: (Looks at this list) Four. Oh, be five - ten minutes.
GEORGE: What do you want to do?
ELAINE: Let's go someplace else. I'm too hungry.
JERRY: We might as well just stay here. We haven't got that much time, if we're gonna make the movie.
GEORGE: I'm gonna call Tatiana. Where's the phone? (Moves off, looking for a phone)
(George finds a pay phone in the restaurant. A man is already talking on it)
GEORGE: Excuse me, are you going to be very long?
(The man looks at George, then goes back to his conversation)
BRUCE: (Calling out) Lashbrook, four. (The Lashbrook's get up, and are escorted to a seat)
JERRY: So, did I do a terrible thing?
ELAINE: You mean lying to your uncle?
JERRY: I couldn't have dinner with him. Plan Nine from Outer Space, one night only, the big screen - my hands are tied.
(George returns to Jerry and Elaine)
GEORGE: You know, it's a public phone. You're not suppose to just chit chat.
ELAINE: Jerry, get menus so when we sit down, we'll be able to order right away.
JERRY: Can't look at a menu now. I gotta be at the table.
GEORGE: (Obsessed with the man on the phone) He knows I'm waiting. He sees me. He doesn't want to look.
ELAINE: (To Jerry) Everyting's gotta be just so all the time with you, doesn't it?
JERRY: I offered you those cookies at my house.
ELAINE: Health cookies. I hate those little dustboard fructose things.
GEORGE: I can't believe the way people are. What is it with humanity? What kind of world do we live in?
(Jerry's staring at a woman)
JERRY: There's a woman over there who looks really familiar. Dark hair, striped shirt.
ELAINE: I've never seen her before.
JERRY: I know this woman. This is gonna drive me crazy.
(A party of four enter the restaurant, and make their way to the podium. They accidentally bump into Elaine)
MAN: Excuse me.
ELAINE: Oh, I'm sorry. (They greet the host, then are immediately shown to a table) Did you see that?! Those people - look. They're getting a table.
JERRY: Well, maybe they were here from before.
ELAINE: No, no, no, they weren't here before.
GEORGE: (To the man on the phone) Excuse me, are you gonna be much longer? I have to make a very important call.
(The man gives George a look, then goes back to his conversation)
ELAINE: (To Jerry) Find out what's going on.
(Jerry and Elaine go up to Bruce)
JERRY: Excuse me, didn't those people just come in? I believe we were ahead of them.
BRUCE: What's your name?
BRUCE: (Looks at his list, then turns to his wife and starts talking with her in Chinese. Then, to Jerry) No, no, they were here before. (Calling out) Kekich, two.
(The Kekishs are escorted to a table)
ELAINE: You ever notice how happy people are when they finally get a table? They feel so special that because they've been chosen. It's enough to make you sick.
JERRY: You, you are really hungry..
GEORGE: (Getting angry an the man on the phone, he whistles) Hey! (The man turns, looks at George, then continues talking. George talks to Jerry) Hey, if anything happens here, can I count on you?
GEORGE: If we decide to go at it.
JERRY: Yeah, I want to get into a rumble.
GEORGE: I have to get in touch with Tatiana. (Talking about the phone man) Look at his little outfit. It's all so coordinated. The little socks match the little shirt.. I really hate this guy.
ELAINE: I'm gonna faint.
JERRY: George, who is that woman in the stripes?
GEORGE: I don't know her.
JERRY: She looks so familiar.
ELAINE: It's not fair that people are seated first come, first served. It should be based on who's hungriest. I feel like just walking over there and taking some food off somebody's plate.
JERRY: I'll tell you what - there's fifty bucks in it for you if you do it.
ELAINE: What do you mean?
JERRY: You walk over to that table, you pick up an egg roll, you don't say anything, you eat it, say "Thank you very much," wipe your mouth, walk away. I'll give you fifty bucks.
GEORGE: What are they gonna do?
JERRY: They won't do anything. In fact, you'll be giving them a story to tell for the rest of their lives.
ELAINE: (Appealed to the idea) Fifty bucks? You'll give me fifty bucks?
JERRY: Fifty bucks.. that table over there. The three couples.
ELAINE: Okay, I don't want to go over there and do it, and then come back here and find out there was some little loophole - like I didn't put mustard on it, or something.
JERRY: No, no tricks.
ELAINE: Should I do it, George?
GEORGE: For fifty bucks? I'll put my face in their soup and blow.
ELAINE: Alright.. alright. Here, hold this. I'm doing it. (She approaches the table, talking like a ventriloquist, she smiles without moving her lips) I know this sounds crazy, but the two men who are standing behind me are going to give me fifty bucks if I stand here and eat one of your egg rolls. I'll give you twenty-five if you let me do it.
(The couples can hardly hear her)
COUPLES: (In random, overlapping sentences) What? What are you talking about? Egg roll? What is it? Who is she? What did she say?
(Elaine chickens out. She runs back to Jerry and George. They're laughing and clapping)
JERRY: Well, what happened?
ELAINE: Did you see that?!
GEORGE: What were you telling them?
ELAINE: I offered them twenty-five (Bursts out laughing) They had no idea.. (Laughs more)
(The man finally gets off the phone)
JERRY: George, the phone's free.
GEORGE: Hallelujah. (Walks up to the phone, but a woman grabs it right before he does) Excuse me, I was waiting here.
WOMAN: Where? I didn't see you.
GEORGE: I've been standing here for ten minutes!
WOMAN: Well, I won't be long.
GEORGE: Uh, that's not the point. The point is I was here first.
WOMAN: Well, if you were here first, you'd be holding the phone. (Puts a quarter in, and completely tunes George out)
GEORGE: You know, we're living in a society! We're supposed to act in a civilized way.. (Returns to Jerry and Elaine) Does she care? ..No. Does anyone ever display the slightest sensitivity over the problems of a fellow individual? No, no, a resounding no!
(The phone guy is on his way out, he stops by George)
PHONE GUY: Hey, sorry I took so long.
GEORGE: Oh, that's okay. Really, don't worry about it.
(Phone guy leaves)
ELAINE: How do people fast? Did Gandhi get this crazy? I'm gonna go walk around and see what dishes look good. (Leaves)
JERRY: I told my uncle I had a stomachache tonight. You think he bought that?
GEORGE: Yeah, he probably bought it.
JERRY: So, what happened with Tatiana?
GEORGE: I shouldn't even tell you.
JERRY: Come on.
GEORGE: Well, after dinner last week, she invites me back to her apartment..
JERRY: I'm with ya.
GEORGE: Well, it's this little place with this little bathroom.. it's like, right there. It's not even down a little hall, or off in an alcove, you understand? There's no.. buffer zone. So, we start to fool around, and it's the first time, and it's early in the going, and I begin to perceive this impending intestinal requirement, whose needs are going to surpass by great lengths anything in the sexual realm. So, I know I'm gonna have to stop. And, as this is happening, I'm thinking: "even if I can somehow manage to momentarily extricate myself from the proceedings and relieve this unstoppable force, I know that bathroom is not going to provide me with the privacy that I know I'm going to need..
JERRY: This could only happen to you.
GEORGE: So, I finally stop - and say, "Tatiana, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but I think it would be best if I left."
JERRY: You said this to her.. after?
GEORGE: (Shakes his head) No.. during.
JERRY: Oh boy.
JERRY: Wow. So?
GEORGE: (Takes a deep breath) So I'm dressing, and she's staring up at me struggling to compute this unprecedented turn of events. I don't know what to say to reassure this woman, and worst of all - I don't even have the time to say it. The only excuse she might have possible accepted is if I told her that I am in reality Batman, and I'm very sorry, I just saw the Bat signal! It took me three days of phone calls to get her to agree to see me again. And now, she's waiting for me to all. (Gestures to the woman on the phone) And she's still on the phone.
ELAINE: I hate this place. I don't know why we came here. I'm never coming back here again.
JERRY: Who is that woman?
ELAINE: Remember when you first went out to eat with your parents? Remember.. It was such a special treat, you go and they serve you this different food that you never saw before, and they put it in fornt of you, and it was such a delicious and exciting adventure. And now, I just feel like a big sweaty hog waiting for them to fill up the trough.
GEORGE: (Talking about the phone woman) Oh, she's off. (Moves to the phone)
ELAINE: Jerry, talk to that guy again.
JERRY: What am I going to say?
ELAINE: Tell him we want to catch a movie, that we're late.
(A man, Mr. Cohen, goes up to the podium. He knows Bruce well)
MR. COHEN: Hey, what stinks in here?!
BRUCE: Ah, Mr. Cohen! Haven't seen you couple weeks.
MR. COHEN: I've been looking for a better place.
BRUCE: (Laughs at the joke) You want a table?
MR. COHEN: No, just bring me a plate and I'll eat here.
BRUCE: (Laughing) Bring him a plate, he'll eat here. Come on, I'll get you a table. (Escorts Mr. Cohen to a table, then goes back to the podium. Elaine and Jerry approach Bruce)
JERRY: Excuse me, we've been waiting here, now I know we were ahead of that guy. He just came in!
BRUCE: Oh, no, Mr. Cohen always here.
ELAINE: He's always here? (To Jerry) What does that mean? (To Bruce) What does that mean?
BRUCE: Oh, Mr. Cohen very nice man. He live on Park Avenue. (Walks away)
ELAINE: Where am I? Is this a dream? What in God's name is going on here?
(George returns - he's stunned)
GEORGE: She's not there. She left. She must have waited, and left - because those people wouldn't get off the phone.
JERRY: Did you leave a message?
GEORGE: Yeah, I told her to call me here and to tell anyone who answers to ask for a balding, stocky man with glasses. I'd better tell them I'm expecting a call. (Leaves)
ELAINE: Jerry, here comes that woman.
JERRY: Where do I know her?
(The woman, Lorraine, approaches Jerry. She recognizes him)
LORRAINE: Hi, Jerry.
JERRY: (Has no idea who she is) Hey! How you doing?
LORRAINE: How is everything?
JERRY: Good, good. Good. What's going on?..
LORRAINE: Working hard. And you?
JERRY: Oh, you know.. walking around. Same stuff, doing, whatever..
LORRAINE: You haven't been around in a while.
JERRY: I know, I know. Well, you know.
LORRAINE: You should come by.
JERRY: Definitely, I plan to. I'm not just saying that.
ELAINE: (Holding out her hand) Hi, I'm Elaine.
LORRAINE: Lorraine Catalano.
JERRY: Oh, I'm sorry. Lorraine, this is Elaine.
LORRAINE: (Moment passes) Well, it was nice seeing you, Jerry. (To Elaine) NIce meeting you.
ELAINE: Oh, nice to meet you, too, Lorraine. (She leaves. Suddenly, Jerry remembers her)
JERRY: Oh my God! Lorraine! That's Lorraine from my uncle's office! I am in big, big trouble.
ELAINE: The one you broke the plans with tonight?
JERRY: Yeah. She works in his office. Now she's going to see him tomarrow and tell him she saw me here tongiht. He's going to tell his wife. His wife is going to call my mother. Oh this is bad. You don't know the chain reaction of calls this is going to set off.. New York, Long island, Florida.. It's like the Bermuda Triangle. Unfortunately, nobody ever disappears. My umcle to my aunt, my aunt to my mother, my mother to my uncle, my uncle to my cousin, my cousin to my sister, then my sister to me.
ELAINE: You just should've had dinner with your uncle tonight and gotten it over with. It's just a movie.
JERRY: Just a movie? You don't understand. This isn't plans oen throught eight from outer space. This is plan nine! This is the one that worked. The worst movie ever made!
ELAINE: (Sarcastically) I'm looking forward to it.
JERRY: (Looks at his watch Hey, I got news for you. If we're making this movie, we gotta get a table immediately.
ELAINE: Alright, lookit. Let's stop fooling around. Let's just slip him some money.
JERRY: In a Chinese restaurant? Do they take money?
ELAINE: (Mocking) "Do they take money?" Everyone takes money! I used to go out with a guy who did it all the time. You just slip him twenty bucks.
GEORGE: Twenty bucks? Isn't that excessive?
ELAINE: What do you want to give him, change?
GEORGE: It's more than the meal!
JERRY: Oh, come on, we'll divide it up three ways.
GEORGE: (Pointing to them) Alright, seven, seven, (Points to himself) six. (Jerry and Elaine give him a look) I'm not going to eat that much.
JERRY: I'm counting your shrimps.. Okay, who's gonna do it?
GEORGE: Oh, no, I can't do it. I'm not good at these things. I get all flustered. Once, I tried to bribe an usher at the roller derby. I almost go arrested.
ELAINE: I guess it's you, Jer.
JERRY: Me? What about you?
ELAINE: Oh, I can't do it.. It's a guy thing.
JERRY: The women's movement just can't seem to make any progress in the world of bribery, can they?
ELAINE: ..Give me the money. (Jerry gives Elaine the money. Elaine goes up the podium) How's it going?
BRUCE: Very busy.
ELAINE: (Hinting) Boy, we are really anxious to sit down.
BRUCE: Very good specials tonight.
ELAINE: (Showing the money) It there's anything you can do to get us a table, we'd really appreciate it..
BRUCE: (Oblivious to Elaine's bribe) What's your name?
ELAINE: (Urgent) No, no. I want to eat now!
BRUCE: Whole Sea Bass dinner tonight, very fresh.
ELAINE: (Screaming) Here, take this! I'm starving! Take it. Take it!
BRUCE: (Is puzzled, then takes the money) Dennison, four. Your table is ready.
ELAINE: No, no, I want that table! I want that table!
(Bruce leads the Dennisons to a table. Elaine looks at them, then at her hand in disbelief. She goes back to Jerry and George)
ELAINE: Oh, come on, did you see that?! What was that? He took the money! He didn't give us the table!
JERRY: You lost the twenty?
ELAINE: Well.. how could he do that?
GEORGE: You didn't make it clear.
ELAINE: Make it clear?
JERRY: What a sorry exhibition that was. Alright, let me get the money back. (Goes up to the podium) Excuse me, I realize this is extremely embarrassing, my friend here apparently made a mistake.
BRUCE: Your name?
BRUCE: (Checks his list) Yeah, Seinfeld, four.
JERRY: No, no, no.. do you see the girl over there with the long hair?
BRUCE: (Looks at Elaine) Oh, yes, yes, yes. Very beautiful girl, very beautiful. Your girlfriend?
JERRY: Well, actually, we did date for a while, but that's really not relevant here.
BRUCE: Oh, relationships are very difficlut. It is very hard to stay together.
JERRY: Alright, listen, how much lonter is it gonna be?
BRUCE: (Looking at list) Oh, about five - ten minutes.
(Jerry goes back to George and Elaine)
JERRY: There seems to be a bit of a discrepancy.
ELAINE: So, when are we going to eat?
JERRY: Five - ten minutes.
GEORGE: (To Jerry) We should've left earlier! I told you!
JERRY: I don't see any way we can eat and make this movie.
ELAINE: I have to eat!
JERRY: Well, let's just order it to go, and we'll eat it in the cab.
ELAINE: Eat in the cab? Chinese food in a cab?
JERRY: We'll eat it in the movie.
ELAINE: Where do you think you're going? Do you think they have big picnic tables there?
JERRY: Well, what do you suggest?
ELAINE: I say we leave now, we go to Sky Burger, and we scarf 'em down.
JERRY: I'm not going to Sky Burger - besides, it's in the opposite direction. Let's just eat popcorn or something.
BRUCE: (Calling out) Cartwright.
ELIANE: I can't have popcorn for dinner.
ELAINE: I have to eat!
JERRY: They have hot dogs there.
ELAINE: Oh, movie hot dogs? I'd rather lick the food off the floor.
GEORGE: I can't go anyway. I have to wait for Tatiana's call. Let me check. (Goes up to the podium) Excuse me, I'm expecting a call.. Costanza.
BRUCE: Yes. I just got a call. I yell Cartwright. Just like that. Nobody came up. I hang up.
GEORGE: Was it for Costanza, or..
BRUCE: Yes. Yes, that's it! Nobody answer.
GEORGE: Was it a woman?
BRUCE: Yes, yes, I tell her you not here. She said curse word. I hang up.
(George slowly walks back to Jerry and Elaine)
GEORGE: She called.. He yelled "Cartwright".. I missed it.
JERRY: Who's Cartwright?
GEORGE: I'm Cartwright..
JERRY: You're not Cartwright.
GEORGE: (Angered, he explodes into rage) Of cours I'm not Cartwright! Look, why don't you two just go to the movies by yourself. I'm not in the mood.
ELAINE: Me either. I'm going to Sky Burger.
JERRY; So, you're not going?
ELAINE: You don't need us.
JERRY: I can't go to a bad movie by myself. What am I, gonna make sarcastic remarks to strangers? I guess I'll just go to my uncle's.
GEORGE: (Gestures to Bruce) Should we tell him we're leaving?
ELAINE: What for? Let's just get out of here!
(The all leave)
BRUCE: (Calling out) Seinfeld, four.
[Setting: Night club]
JERRY: Hunger will make people do amazing things. I mean, the proof of that is cannibalism. Cannibalism? What do they say? I mean, they're eating, "This is good, who is this? I like this person." You know, I mean, I really think the hardest thing about being a cannibal is trying to get some really deep sllep. You know what I mean? I would think you'd be goin', "Who is that? Who's there? Who's there? Is somebody there? What do you want? What do you want? You look hungry, are you hungry? Get outta here!"
END OF SHOW.