Transcribed by: (Mazzy) Mark Brockbank Barrow-in-Furness, UK
Originally posted on The News Guys(Mike's) site http://www.geocities.com/tnguym
(Permission is given to copy scripts to other sites provided credit is given to the transcriber and this site)
Episode Number: 147
Original Air Date: January 30, 1997
Written by: Gregg Kavet & Andy Robin
Directed by: David Owen Trainor
Mark Harelik (Milos)
Ben Stein (Shellbach)
Joel Polis (Reilly)
Ivana Milavich (Patty)
Danny Strong (Vincent)
Richard Livingston (Bill)
Charles Kahlenberg (Fred)
Stan Sellers (McAdam)
Peggy Mannix (Woman)
Fatima Love (Secretary)
Nancy Linehan Charles (Woman Executive)
Jeff Hatz (Manager (Gene))
[Yankee Stadium, Conference Room]
A group of staff, including George, are gathered round the table. There's a
bunch of food on the table. Most people have a small plate with a few salad
leaves on it in front of them. George is picking shrimp off a platter,
dipping them in some sort of sauce, and stuffing his face with them, about as
fast as he can manage.
BILL: Well, if the big man wants a new scoreboard, I don't wanna be the one
to tell him no.
REILLY: No-one in the park is gonna be able to see it from there.
GEORGE: (through a mouthful of shrimp) Well, why don't we just put a monitor
in his skybox?
REILLY: Hey George, the ocean called. They're running outta shrimp.
Everyone at the table starts laughing uproariously at Reilly's joke. George
looks upset, and barely forces half a sick smile past his mouthful of
George drives along. He's fuming at Reilly's dig.
GEORGE: (angry, to himself) The ocean called. Running outta shrimp. Outta
shrimp! (a thought occurs) Oh! Yes! That's what I shoulda said! (frustrated
[New York Health & Racquet Club]
George and Jerry come along a corridor. They're carrying bags and
paraphernalia indicating they've been playing tennis.
JERRY: 'The ocean called, They're running outta shrimp'?
GEORGE: Yeah, yeah, yeah. But then, I said to him, 'Oh yeah? Well, the jerk
store called, and they're running outta you.'
Jerry and George halt at a bench by the entrance to the pro shop. Jerry
rummages in his bag, producing an old-fashioned wooden framed tennis racquet.
JERRY: (smiling) Really? That's great. You said that to him?
GEORGE: (confessing) Well, actually, I thought it up on the way over here.
JERRY: Oh. That's not quite the same.
GEORGE: No. No it's not. You don't know this guy. It woulda been so sweet.
JERRY: I'm gonna grab a can of balls.
George heads on down the corridor. Jerry walks into the pro shop, carrying
his gear. There are a few customers browsing. Milos (East European, tracksuit
wearing, slicked back hair with pony tail) comes over to Jerry.
MILOS: Hello. My name is Milos. How can I help you.
JERRY: I need a can of balls.
Jerry stands before the counter, holding the old-fashioned racquet. Milos
reaches under the counter and pulls out a can of tennis balls.
MILOS: Can of balls for the nice guy, alri...
Milos stops and stares disapprovingly at Jerry's racquet.
MILOS: ...Ahh. You don't plan to hit these balls with that racquet, do you?
Jerry looks surprised.
Inside a typical small video rental store, Elaine stands before a rack marked
'Staff Picks'. Individual shelves are labelled 'Elizabeth', 'Gene', and
'Vincent', amongst others. Elaine is reading the back of a video box, when
Kramer comes up behind her.
KRAMER: Checking out the staff picks, Miss Benes?
ELAINE: Oh. (laughs) Ha-ha. Hey. Yeah, yeah. (indicating shelf) This Vincent
guy, he is the best. He and I have the exact same taste in movies.
KRAMER: Oh, Vincent is an art-house goon. I stick to the Gene rack.
ELAINE: Gene? Oh, it's so stupid and mainstream.
KRAMER: (indicates 'Gene' shelf) I've seen all these, so I went with a Kramer
Kramer holds up a video for Elaine's inspection.
ELAINE: (reading) 'The Other Side Of Darkness'. Huh, I never heard of that
KRAMER: Yeah, went straight to video.
Elaine looks upon this as a negative.
KRAMER: (positive) That makes me the premiere.
Kramer takes his cassette toward the counter.
ELAINE: (gets Kramer's point) Hah.
Kramer is talking seriously to Jerry, whilst holding a piece of paper.
KRAMER: Jerry, have you ever seen the movie The Other Side Of Darkness?
KRAMER: It's about this woman, in a coma. Well, I couldn't finish watching
it, so I want you to read this.
Kramer hands the piece of paper to Jerry.
JERRY: (reading) 'I, Cosmo Kramer, having just seen the movie The Other Side
Of Darkness, and not wanting to be in a coma like that lady in the movie,
hereby want Jerry Seinfeld to remove my life support, feeding machine,
lung-blower, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.'
KRAMER: Can you do that for me, buddy?
JERRY: Well, I don't if what you have here constitutes a legally binding
KRAMER: Well, I'm gonna type it up.
JERRY: Yes, well, of course, but, even so, you may wanna talk to a lawyer.
KRAMER: Yeah, but, Jackie Chiles, he put a restraining order on me.
(frustrated) I'm not allowed within two hundred feet of his office. I
couldn't even give him his Christmas present.
Jerry nods sympathetically. Kramer spots something on the table.
KRAMER: Oh, hey, new racquet, huh?
JERRY: Yeah. (hands racquet to Kramer) I wasn't gonna get it, but this guy
Milos, who runs the pro shop, he really recommended it.
Kramer takes a few practice strokes with the racquet.
JERRY: In fact, it's the only racquet he plays with.
KRAMER: (picking up Jerry's old racquet) Well, you're not gonna need this any
Kramer deposits the old wooden racquet in Jerry's trash. Jerry notices
something about the piece of paper Kramer gave him.
JERRY: (accusingly) Hey, this is the zee page of my address book.
KRAMER: (explaining) Oh yeah, I put all your zees on the weights and measures
Kramer swings the new racquet again, making ball-smashing sound effects.
Elaine sits up in bed, watching her video rental. She dabs a tear from her
eye, and sniffs.
ELAINE: (emotional) Oh. Oh, bravo, Vincent. Bravo. (sniffs)
The phone rings. Elaine reaches over and picks up, not happy at being
VINCENT (O.C.): Did you enjoy the movie?
ELAINE: Who is it?
VINCENT (O.C.): It's Vincent.
ELAINE: Of Vincent's picks?
VINCENT (O.C.): The same.
Elaine smiles excitedly.
Elaine and Jerry have been playing tennis at a different club from the one we
saw earlier. They're packing away their stuff. At another court, behind them,
a guy in baseball cap and dark glasses is playing truly awful tennis. He's
missing the ball, falling over, flailing wildly with his racquet.
JERRY: He called you?
ELAINE: He musta got my number off the computer. We ended up talking for,
like, two hours.
JERRY: To a guy you've never met? (mild sarcasm) Your screening process is
getting ever more rigorous.
Elaine sticks out her tongue at Jerry.
ELAINE: Trying to meet him. He's never at the video store. They said he sets
his own hours.
A tennis ball bounces by Elaine, and she grabs it. The terrible player from
the other court shouts over.
PLAYER (O.C.): Little help, hey!
ELAINE: (tossing the ball back) Yeah.
PLAYER: Thank you.
The ball Elaine tossed back eludes the player's grasp, misses his racquet and
bounces away past him.
ELAINE: (laughing to Jerry) Oh god, that guy's terrible.
JERRY: (pulling on a jacket) Mmm-hmm.
The terrible player continues to swing ineffectually at easy balls in the
ELAINE: Hey, how come we played at this crummy place instead of your club?
JERRY: George used up all my guest passes already.
A ball bounces past Elaine, and Jerry grabs it.
JERRY: Come on.
PLAYER: Thank you.
The awful player comes over to get the ball back. As he approaches, he
removes his sunglasses and wipes his brow with his forearm.
JERRY: (tossing the ball) Here you go.
The player catches the ball and raises his head, so we can see his face. It's
Milos, the guy who sold Jerry his new racquet.
JERRY: (disbelief) Milos?
MILOS: (shock) Oh, hey. (puts sunglasses back on) How you doing?
Milos looks guilty, and shouts across to his playing partner as he walks away
MILOS: Okay, we should uh, wrap it up here.
Milos bounces the ball on the court and tries to hit it over the net. He
fails, despite being no more than four feet from the net. Jerry looks down at
his new racquet, thoughtfully.
Elaine and Jerry have just arrived from the tennis club, and are putting
their stuff on the table. Elaine is removing her coat.
ELAINE: So he was bad. What d'you care?
JERRY: Elaine, I paid two hundred dollars for this racquet, because he said
it's the only one he plays with. He could've played just as well with a log.
The door opens and Kramer enters, smartly dressed, with a suit and tie.
KRAMER: Hey. Right, I talked to this lawyer guy, Shellbach. Now, he's gonna
set me up, but you gotta come with me and be the executor.
ELAINE: The executor? Of what?
JERRY: Kramer wants to die with dignity.
ELAINE: There's a feather in your cap.
KRAMER: I don't wanna be a vegetable, Elaine. I just want out. (snaps
The door opens and George wanders in, looking pleased with himself.
GEORGE: Sometimes in life, the gods smile upon you, my friends.
JERRY: D'you get someone to take that Canadian quarter?
GEORGE: I got another meeting with Reilly. A whole new audience, and I bet I
can get him to try that line again.
ELAINE: Who's Reilly?
JERRY: George was scarfing shrimp at this meeting, and this guy says 'Hey,
George, the ocean called. They're running outta shrimp.'
Elaine laughs, loud and long, causing Jerry and Kramer to smile and laugh.
GEORGE: Listen to the comeback. (pleased) 'Oh yeah? Well the jerk store
called. They're running outta you.'
George smiles and looks expectant. The other three just stare at him, with
varying levels of confusion in their expressions.
GEORGE: (worked up) Wha...You gotta be kidding me?!
ELAINE: How 'bout this one? How 'bout, 'Your cranium called. It's got some
space to rent.'?
Elaine laughs, and Jerry smiles.
GEORGE: (confused) What does that mean?
JERRY: (taps George's chest) Hey, here you go. 'Hey, Reilly. The zoo called.
You're due back by six.'
GEORGE: (frustrated) No. No, no, no. You're not helping me.
KRAMER: Look, just tell him you had sex with his wife. That'll kill him.
GEORGE: (shouting) I'm not looking for another line. I got the line.
KRAMER: Look, George, just think about it. You know, you're married, how
would you feel if somebody says to you that they just had se...
GEORGE: (really animated) Alright, alright. You see? This is why I hate
writing with a large group. Everybody has their own little opinions, and it
all gets homogenised, and you lose the whole edge of it. I'm going with jerk
store! Jerk store is the line! Jerk store! Yess!
George walks out the door. The other three watch him go. Kramer walks over
and looks out the door after George, then returns and spots Jerry's old
racquet on a stool.
KRAMER: (picking the racquet up) Did you take this out of the garbage?
JERRY: Yeah, it's still got some spring in the strings.
KRAMER: Oh, Jerry, this is a piece of junk. (drops racquet in the trash) How
are you gonna be the executor of my living will?
Jerry retrieves the racquet from the trash.
KRAMER: (indicating) You see? You can't let go.
JERRY: Trust me, Kramer. Given the legal opportunity, I will kill you.
KRAMER: I wish I could believe you. Hey, Elaine, do you have some free time
KRAMER: Yeah, because you're perfect. You're a calculating, cold-hearted
businesswoman. And when there's dirty work to be done, you don't mind
stomping on a few throats.
ELAINE: (smiling, flattered) Oh, ho, c'mon.
Kramer and Elaine sit before a desk, behind which sits Shellbach the lawyer,
who has a large list in front of him, from which he's reading. Kramer looks
nervous, while Elaine is tapping at a soda can, looking bored.
SHELLBACH: Situation number four. You're breathing on your own, you're
conscious, but with no muscular function.
KRAMER: Well, would I be able to communicate?
SHELLBACH: I don't see how.
ELAINE: Ach, I don't like the sound of this one.
KRAMER: Huhh, yeah, let's pull the cord.
ELAINE: Yank it like (pops open soda can) you're starting a mower.
SHELLBACH: Moving on. You have liver, kidneys and gall bladder, but no
central nervous system.
Kramer looks at Elaine, who gives a double thumbs-down.
KRAMER: Well, I gotta have a central nervous system.
SHELLBACH: Okay. One lung, blind and you're eating through a tube.
KRAMER: Naw, that's not my style.
SHELLBACH: Alright, you can eat. But machines do everything else.
KRAMER: (hesitant) Uhm...
Kramer looks to Elaine, who nods.
ELAINE: I'd stick.
KRAMER: Yeah, yeah. Stick. (to Elaine) 'Cos I could still go to the coffee
ELAINE: (points to Kramer and smiles in agreement) That's right.
[New York Health & Racquet Club]
A grim-looking Jerry stalks into the pro shop and over to the counter to be
met by a nervous and apologetic Milos.
JERRY: Hello Milos.
MILOS: Jerry, thank god you got my message. Thank you so much for coming down
here. Uhm, listen...
JERRY: (animated) You know, I spent two hundred dollars on a racquet because
I thought you knew what you were talking about.
JERRY: You can't even play.
MILOS: Believe me, it is Milos great shame. But Jerry, I could lose my
business if anybody find out. How would you like extra year membership of the
club? Free. No charge.
JERRY: You could do that?
MILOS: Jerry, for you, anything.
Jerry looks happier. Milos walks away behind the scenes somewhere. Jerry
looks round the store and exchanges smiles with a beautiful woman who's
trying on a visor. After a few moments, Milos returns, looking rueful.
JERRY: (indicating the woman) Game, set and match, huh Milos?
MILOS: (apologetic) Hah, Jerry, I am so sorry. they tell me there is no way
they can do it. (meek) Is there anything else I can do for you? Anything at
all. I refund your money.
JERRY: (animated) You know what Milos, I don't even care about the money. I
just feel like I was taken by the worst tennis player I...
MILOS: Shhh-shhh. (whispers) I make it up to you.
JERRY: (doubtful) Yeah, you'll make it up to me.
Jerry turns away and walks toward the door. As he passes the beautiful woman,
JERRY: Tennis, anyone?
The woman smiles at Jerry's flirtation. Jerry leaves, and Milos looks after
Kramer and Elaine stand before the 'Staff Picks' rack again. Elaine picks a
video off the 'Vincent' rack.
ELAINE: Oh, this is the one Vincent told me about. The Pain And The Yearning.
(reads from the box) 'An old woman experiences pain and yearning.' A hundred
and ninety-two minutes?
KRAMER: That's a lotta yearning, huh?
ELAINE: You know, these movies are great, but they're just so emotionally
KRAMER: Yeah, well, what you need is some summertime adolescent high jinx.
KRAMER: (looking at 'Gene' rack) See what doctor Gene prescribes, huh? (pulls
down a cassette) Oh, here, look at that. Weekend At Bernies Two. Now, that's
an hilarious premise.
ELAINE: (laughs) Huh. (looks from tape to tape) Well...
KRAMER: Yeah. (taps the Weekend At Bernie's II box)
ELAINE: Yeah, I could use a chuckle.
Elaine returns the 'Vincent' pick to the shelf and walks toward the counter
with the Bernie's tape.
KRAMER: (approving) Yeah.
ELAINE: What're you getting?
KRAMER: Nothing, I'm gonna finish watching The Other Side Of Darkness.
ELAINE: Oh. How much you got left?
KRAMER: Yeah, about two hours.
Elaine does a double-take at this.
KRAMER: Yeah, she shot in that coma pretty quick.
Elaine sits up in bed, watching her video. She's not enjoying it.
ELAINE: (at TV screen) Bernie is dead, you moron! (frustration) Just because
he's wearing sunglasses he looks alive?! (picks up video box) Ugh, how long
is this weekend, anyway? (reads from label) Ugh!
The phone rings, and Elaine picks up, glad of the interruption.
VINCENT (O.C.): (accusing) How's the movie. Elaine?
VINCENT (O.C.): (betrayed) The Gene pick. How could you? I thought we had
ELAINE: (defensive) No, it doesn't mean anything. I'm not even gonna rewind
There is a click as Vincent hangs up.
[Yankee Stadium, Conference Room]
The table is ringed with employees again, and there is more food. George is
stuffing his face with shrimp, just as before. There are a couple of empty
seats. One more guy (Fred) enters, and moves to sit at the table.
FRED: Alright, let's get to it.
GEORGE: Wha..wait a minute, wha..what about Reilly?
FRED: Reilly doesn't work here any more.
GEORGE: (surprise) What? I..I didn't hear about that.
FRED: Oh, we only wake you up for the important meetings.
Everyone at the table collapses into laughter at George's expense. Again,
George do nothing but look upset at the turn of events.
Jerry is walking along the street, when he encounters the beautiful woman
from the pro shop, who appears to have been waiting from him.
JERRY: Hello. Didn't I see you at the pro shop yesterday?
PATTY: I think so. I'm Patty. Milos gave me your address. I hope you don't
mind me waiting for you here.
JERRY: (to himself) Hoh, that Milos. (to Patty) Well uh, what shall we do,
uhm, care for a cup of coffee?
PATTY: Why don't we just go up to your apartment?
JERRY: (surprised) Alright.
Patty strolls past Jerry, and indicates he should follow.
JERRY: (to himself) Gotta be an easier way.
Jerry turns to follow Patty.
Kramer is playing the rest of The Other Side Of Darkness. The soundtrack can
be heard from the TV.
NURSE (O.C.): Doctor, how's her coma?
DOCTOR (O.C.): Oh, exactly the same.
Kramer enters the room, with a bowl of spaghetti. He sits on the couch to
watch the movie, and lifts a big forkful into his mouth.
DOCTOR (O.C.): Wait a minute, she's coming out of the coma.
Kramer stops chewing and stares wide-eyed at the TV screen.
DOCTOR (O.C.): Mrs Allbright, can you hear me? Are you okay?
ALLBRIGHT (O.C.): (bright and cheerful) I feel so rested and refreshed. Get
me a toothbrush.
Kramer continues to stare at the screen, stunned by the outcome of the movie.
Jerry hands a drink to Patty as she stands by the kitchen counter.
JERRY: So, you play tennis?
PATTY: (putting the glass down on the counter) Enough talk, Jerry.
Patty advances on Jerry, sexily. Jerry looks somewhat surprised.
JERRY: Not for me, I love chatting.
PATTY: (putting her hand to Jerry's face) Shh.
Patty leans toward Jerry, as though to kiss him. Just as she's about to kiss,
she breaks away.
PATTY: (anguished) No! No, I can't do this. (moving away) I can't go through
with it. (sitting on the couch) Not even for him!
PATTY: (cries) Milos. My husband!
JERRY: (shocked) Your husband?!
Patty puts her face down on the couch, weeping. Jerry, puts his hands up in
the air, in a gesture of total disbelief.
George sits on the couch, just making sure he's got Jerry's story straight.
GEORGE: So concerned was he, that word of his poor tennis skills might leak
out, he chose to offer you his wife as some sort of mediaeval sexual payola?
JERRY: (explanation) He's new around here.
GEORGE: (hopeful) So, details?
JERRY: (walking away) Well, I didn't sleep with her.
GEORGE: Because of society, right?
JERRY: (weary) Yes, George, because of society. So how did the big meeting
Jerry is getting some sort of candy bar out of a packet on the counter.
GEORGE: Reilly is no longer with the club. (getting up) You believe that?
George wanders over into the kitchen.
JERRY: Ah, you're better off. Now you can just let it go.
George looks in the fridge.
GEORGE: Yeah, I'm gonna let it go.
JERRY: You never really had the right comeback, anyway.
George jerks out of the fridge, slamming the door.
GEORGE: (animated) Are you insane? Jerk store, woulda smoked that guy! Smoked
him, I say.
George walks back into the living room and picks up a newspaper. The door
opens and Kramer enters.
KRAMER: Hey. Oh, Jerry, listen uh, you know, I saw the rest of that movie,
The Other Side Of Darkness? The coma lady wakes up at the end.
GEORGE: (frustrated) Ohh, I wanted to see that. (waves his arms in
frustration) Thanks. Thanks a lot.
George stalks away into the bathroom, and slams the door behind him.
KRAMER: I didn't know it was possible to come out of a coma.
JERRY: I didn't know it was possible not to know that.
GEORGE (O.C.): (from bathroom) How was Eric Roberts as the husband?
KRAMER: (shouting back) Oh, unforgettable.
GEORGE (O.C.): (disappointed) Oww.
KRAMER: (nervous) I gotta find Elaine. Y'know, she's gonna pull my plug.
Kramer opens the door and exits hurriedly.
Elaine walks over the 'Vincent' rack, where she finds nothing but copies of a
video called Betrayed.
ELAINE: What? Betrayed? Oh, Vincent, I'm so sorry. I...
Kramer enters the store and hurries over to Elaine.
KRAMER: Yeah, listen, uh, Elaine, I've changed my mind about the whole coma
thing. (positive) Yeah, I decided I'm up for it.
ELAINE: Kramer, do you have any idea what you've done?
The store manager comes over and squeezes past Elaine.
MANAGER: Excuse me.
The manager removes the 'Vincent' label from the shelf and replaces it with
ELAINE: What're you doing?
The manager walks back to behind the counter.
MANAGER: Vincent stopped making picks.
ELAINE: (upset) Well, how am I gonna know what movies to see?
MANAGER: We have a wide variety of Gene picks.
ELAINE: (dismissive) Gene's trash.
MANAGER: I'm Gene.
Elaine looks sick at her error. Kramer smiles and raises his eyebrows.
ELAINE: (forcing a smile) Hi.
[New York Health & Racquet Club]
A subdued Milos is behind the counter, before which stands Jerry.
JERRY: Milos, I can assure you, I had no intention of telling anyone about
your unbelievably bad tennis playing.
MILOS: (not cheered) Thank you, but, unfortunately, I have much larger
problems to fry. My wife, she has no respect for Milos anymore.
JERRY: I guess that's a risk you run when you dabble in the flesh trade.
MILOS: Patty, she, she loves tennis, as much like I do. (hopeful) Wou..would
you, wi..will you let me beat you in tennis? That is the only way I can show
her I am still a man.
JERRY: (reluctant) Well, I'll do it as long as there's no other girls around.
I mean, I wanna be a man too.
Jerry and Elaine sit in a booth.
JERRY: So you hurt Vincent's feelings?
ELAINE: (handing Jerry an envelope) Look what came in the mail today.
JERRY: (taking the envelope) Wh..What's this?
Jerry opens the envelope and shakes a small object out onto his palm.
ELAINE: It's the play button, off his VCR.
JERRY: (examining the button) Boy, look how far back it goes. It's like a
George enters and strolls over to the booth.
GEORGE: (sitting) So, guess where Mr 'Ocean phoned' turned up? He's working
for Firestone, in Akron, Ohio.
GEORGE: Yep. I'm leaving first thing tomorrow morning.
JERRY: (nonplused) You're flying to Akron, just to zing a guy?
GEORGE: Don't you understand? It's not about him. To have a line as perfect
as 'jerk store' and to never use it. I, I couldn't live with myself.
ELAINE: See, there are no jerk stores. It..it's just a little confusing, is
GEORGE: (adamant) It's smart. It's a smart line, and a smart crowd will
appreciate it. (shouting) And, I'm not gonna dumb it down for some bonehead
George realises that everyone in the coffee shop is staring over at him, and
has heard his shouts.
GEORGE: (waving apologetically) Not you.
Elaine is again sitting up in bed, watching a video. (My guess is it's The
Pain And The Yearning.) The soundtrack can be heard.
OLD WOMAN (O.C.): Oh, brittle bones. How I long to be rid of the pain.
The phone rings and Elaine picks up.
VINCENT (O.C.): Elaine? It's Vincent.
ELAINE: (surprised) Vincent. (pleading) Where are you? I have to meet you.
VINCENT (O.C.): No. I can't bear to have anyone see me.
ELAINE: Vincent, listen, I won't judge you the way everyone else does.
You're, you're strange and beautiful, and sensitive. (blunter) Now, let's
have a look at you.
VINCENT (O.C.): (relenting) Alright, but, can you bring me few things from
the store? I haven't been out in a while.
Kramer drives along the street, very slowly. He's got traffic stacked up
behind him and horns blare as cars manoeuvre around him. Kramer is hunched
over the steering wheel, looking nervous.
KRAMER: (indicating that cars should pass him) Well, go around, you bunch of
crazies. You maniacs are gonna get us all killed.
Kramer stands expectantly in the office. A secretary enters.
SECRETARY: Hi, can I help you?
KRAMER: Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm Cosmo Kramer. Yeah, I had an appointment to annul
my living will.
SECRETARY: Oh. (looks at her watch) Mr Kramer, you had a ten-thirty
appointment. It's two o'clock. Mr Shellbach had a tennis lesson. He's gone
for the day.
Kramer looks anxious again.
Jerry and Milos are playing at the other tennis club. They are watched by a
small number of people, including Patty. Milos delivers a weak underarm
serve, and Jerry makes no effort to return it, merely wafting his racquet
vaguely in the direction of the ball.
JERRY: Too good.
MILOS: (triumphant shout) Another game for Milos!! Hahaha!
Milos walks to the net to meet Jerry.
JERRY: You're on fire today.
MILOS: (shouting over) Hey Patty. look at this guy. He's awful!
Patty blows Milos a kiss.
MILOS: (milking it) He's not a man, this Jerry. He's not even married like I
am. (laughs) Huhuhuhu.
JERRY: (quietly) Hey, uh, Milos, I don't mind rolling over here, but could
you lighten up on the 'not a man' stuff?
MILOS: (shouting) Hey everybody, look! The little chicken girl wants me to
ease up. He can't handle this, so he cries like a woman! (laughs evilly)
Milos strides away to continue the game, leaving Jerry looking rueful.
[Outside Vincent's Apartment]
Elaine walks down a hallway, carrying a large grocery bag. She reads numbers
off doors until she spots the one she wants. She gives a smile, flicks her
hair a little, and knocks at the door.
ELAINE: Hello? Vincent?
The door cracks open a few inches, but it's completely dark inside, so the
occupant can't be seen.
ELAINE: I got what you asked.
VINCENT: Just, leave it and go.
ELAINE: W..well, can't I come in?
VINCENT: No. Go away. Now.
Elaine leans forward so her face is right into the open door.
ELAINE: (pleading) No, no. Vincent, I... Don't shut me out. (beseeching) I
just, I know you feel what I feel.
A woman comes up behind Elaine.
WOMAN: Excuse me. Can I help you?
VINCENT: Aw, dammit!
ELAINE: (confused) Uh, uhm, I'm, I'm here to see Vincent.
WOMAN: Well, I'm his mother. (stern) Vincent, what's going on here?
The woman pushes the door wide open, revealing Vincent standing there.
Vincent is a bespectacled, geeky, teen in a plaid shirt. He throws his hands
up to cover his face.
VINCENT: (shrieks) No, my acne!
Vincent darts away from the door into the apartment. Elaine is open-mouthed
WOMAN: (regarding the grocery bag) What d'you have here?
Vincent's mother grabs the top of the bag and begins to rummage through the
WOMAN: (disapproving) Vodka, cigarettes, fireworks. (accusing) What kind of a
sick woman brings this to a fifteen year old?
ELAINE: (sick smile) We have the same taste in movies.
WOMAN: Did he send you part of our VCR?
Elaine smiles and nods, and pulls at a chain she has round her neck. Threaded
onto the chain is the VCR button Vincent sent her.
Vincent's mother holds out her hand, and Elaine pulls the chain over her head
and hands it over.
WOMAN: (entering the apartment) Vincent!
Elaine reaches into the grocery bag and extracts the bottle of vodka. She
drops the rest of the bag on the floor, and strolls away, swinging the bottle
like a club.
Jerry and Milos are still playing. Jerry is still throwing the game, and
Milos is still milking it. Jerry puts an easy return straight into the court
in front of himself.
MILOS: (pointing and shouting) Look at the big baby! (laughter) Hehaha. (to
Jerry) Hey, big baby, are you wetting yourself? Maybe it is time for you to
be changed. (laughter) Hahah.
Patty laughs too, with the few other spectators. Jerry looks angry at this
JERRY: (quietly) I told you to cut it out.
Jerry delivers a fierce serve which beats Milos, and almost hits him in the
MILOS: (quietly, to Jerry) Hey, c'mon, what're you doing? (to his audience)
Huhuh. The baby got lucky on that one! Hahah.
Jerry walks back to deliver another serve. Kramer enters and looks around for
someone. On another court, Shellbach is facing an automatic serving machine.
KRAMER: (waving) Shellbach.
Shellbach waves vaguely back to Kramer, who has begun to walk round the room
to get to him.
Meanwhile, Jerry returns a shot to Milos, with some venom. Milos stretches
desperately to try and reach it, but loses his grip on his racquet. The
racquet arcs across the hall, watched by Patty, and then spotted by Kramer.
The racquet plummets from the air and strikes the guy who is operating the
automatic serving machine for Shellbach. The guy is knocked unconscious and,
as he falls, he pushes against the machine, turning it to point at Kramer.
Kramer stands transfixed, as it continues to launch balls at him. Several
balls in rapid succession strike him in the head, until he slumps,
unconscious, to the floor.
Aeroplane landing, with a caption 'AKRON, OHIO'.
[Firestone Boardroom, Akron]
A boardroom very much like that of the Yankees, but with a Firestone sign on
the wall. Several people sit around the table, including Reilly, and George,
who is filling his face from a large dish of shrimp.
REILLY: So, George. You're proposing a snow tyre day at Yankee Stadium?
GEORGE: (through a mouthful) Long as they don't throw 'em on the field.
(laughs) Huhu. (indicating dish) Help yourself to some shrimp, I brought
enough for everybody.
MCADAM: (doubtful) I have to say this, this proposal doesn't make a whole lot
GEORGE: Well, you never know. (picks up more shrimp) Let's see how many I can
fit in my mouth.
George begins picking up shrimp one by one and stuffing them into his mouth.
REILLY: (leaning forward) You know, George...
George looks up, expectantly.
REILLY: The ocean called. They're running outta shrimp.
Everyone around the table laughs. Except for George, who looks triumphant. He
swallows, and uses a napkin to clean his fingers.
GEORGE: (standing) Oh yeah, Reilly? (smugly) Well, the jerk store called.
They're running outta you
REILLY: (unperturbed) What's the difference? You're their all-time best
Reilly and everyone else laughs even more than they did before. George looks
angry and frustrated, even on the verge of tears for a second, then something
occurs to him.
GEORGE: Yeah? Well, I had sex with your wife.
George looks round, smiling arrogantly, expecting laughter. But there is a
deep, uncomfortable, silence. Reilly, looks stony-faced. McAdam stands and
leans over to speak in George's ear.
MCADAM: His wife is in a coma.
George looks sick.
Kramer lies in bed, asleep. Jerry sits in a chair, reading a newspaper.
There's a knock at the door and Elaine enters, carrying a VCR.
ELAINE: (to Jerry) Hi. (indicating Kramer) How's he doing?
JERRY: He's been sleeping a lot. He's still groggy.
ELAINE: Oh. (puts the VCR down) I thought a movie might cheer him up. I got
him a Gene pick.
JERRY: What happened to Vincent?
ELAINE: (evasive) I'm kinda off of him. (looking around) Uh, outlet?
Jerry points to the wall beside Kramer's bed.
Elaine walks over and sees both sockets are full. She takes hold of one of
the plugs and yanks it out of the socket with a grunt. The grunt wakes
Kramer, who looks groggily around and sees Elaine standing holding the plug,
as if she's just unplugged his life support. He stares, bug-eyed and shrieks
KRAMER: (screaming) Waahhh!!!
A plane landing, with the caption 'NEW YORK, NEW YORK'.
Once again, George drives along, frustrated and angry.
GEORGE: 'My wife's in a coma.' Yeah? Well, the life support machine called
He tails off, as he can't think of anywhere to go. Then a look of
enlightenment comes to George's face, as he thinks of something.
GEORGE: (shouts) Wait! Yes! That's what I should've said! (frustration)
George looks gutted for a second, then a determined expression comes to his
face. He swings the car round with a squeal of tires, and heads back towards
GEORGE: (cocky laughter) Huh haha! (shouts) You're meat, Reilly! You just
screwed yourself! (laughter) Ha ha!