THE FUSILLI JERRY
Season 6, Episode # 19
Original Air Date: April 27, 1995
Dr. Cooperman........................Lou Cutell
Security Guard.......................Jeff Coopwood
[Opening Scene: Jerry and Elaine are outside, heading towards the apartment
Jerry: I hear you're going out with David Putty.
Elaine: Yeah. What, is it a problem?
Jerry: Well, I think he could've asked me. Supposed to be a friend of mine.
Elaine: Well, I guess he figured you just wouldn't care. It *has* been a
Jerry: Elaine, you always care who an ex-girlfriend dates. You don't want
it to be someone you know, and you don't want it to be someone better than
you. Now, even though the latter is *obviously* impossible.
Elaine: Oh, god.
Jerry: The former still applies. I don't know what it is, but I just can't
see you with a mechanic.
Elaine: Oh, yeah. Right, right. Well, all those mechanics do is work all
day with their hands and their *big*, *muscular* arms on machines, and then
they come home dripping with animal sexuality like Stanley Kowalski. What a
huge turn-off that is.
Jerry: All righty.
[At Monk's, George and Estelle are looking over their menus]
George: Look at that. They got lobster on the menu. Who would order a
lobster here. I mean, do they bring a lobster in everyday hoping *todays*
Estelle: So what if they have a lobster. Suddenly you're a shell-fish
George: You know, I think we really need to be in front of a television set.
You take t.v. out of this relationship, it is *just* torture.
Estelle: So, I'm getting an eye job.
George: An eye job? Ma, you don't need an eye job.
Estelle: Georgie, I'm a divorcee.
George: No, you're not a divorcee. You're just separated. You're---you're
Estelle: Well, I'm out there, George.
George: No, you're not out there.
Estelle: I am, too!
George: You're not out there! You can't be, because *I* am out there. And
if I see *you* out there, there's not enough voltage in this world to
electroshock me back into coherence!
Estelle: Well, anyway, the operation is on Tuesday and I need you to drive
me home because I'll be all drugged up.
George: Tuesday? I can't do it Tuesday. Steinbrenner needs me to run---
Estelle: This is the only time the doctor *has*.
[Kramer walks by their table on his way out]
George: Kramer, hey, hey! [Gets up out of his seat]
Kramer: Hi, little buddy.
George: Come on over and sit down.
Kramer: Hey, listen, I gotta go somewhere.
George: No, you're gonna sit down, you son of a gun...
Kramer: All right, I'm sitting down. How are you? [Kisses Estelle on the
Estelle: So, Kramer. I'm getting an eye job.
Kramer: Oh, yeah, good for you. Hey, you have to look your best. You're
George: She's not out there!
Kramer: So, who is your doctor?
Estelle: Uh, Bakersoll.
Kramer: [whistles]. He's good. He's *very* good. He worked on this kid
from Guatemala with no nose. Turned him into Ricardo Montalban.
George: Hey, Kramer, what are you doing Tuesday?
Kramer: Tuesday? Uh...
George: Why doesn't *he* pick you up after the operation. He's got the car
with the bench seats that you like.
Estelle: Oh, I don't care.
Kramer: Yeah, I know, but I can't drive anybody anywhere until I go down to
the motor vehicle bureau and get my new plates.
George: Well, giddy-up!
[At the motor vehicle bureau...]
Kramer: Yeah, I'm here to pick up my new plates. My name is Kramer. Cosmo
Clerk: Kramer.... [checks computer] All right...
Kramer: All righty...
Clerk: Sign right here, please. [hands over clipboard]
Kramer: [signs it] Okay. [The clerk hands him a manila envelope]. Thanks.
[opens up the envelope] Assman? Oh, no, these don't belong to me. I'm
not the Assman. I think there's been a mistake.
Clerk: What's your name again?
Kramer: Cosmo Kramer.
Clerk: [checks computer again] Cosmo Kramer. You *are* the Assman.
Kramer: No! I'm not the Assman.
Clerk: Well, as far as the state of New York is concerned, you are.
[Failing to clear up the mistake, Kramer drives off with the new plates
[Meanwhile, we join Elaine and David---in bed, I should add. David, who
apparently looks satisfied, is still breathless. Elaine, on the other hand,
is looking somewhat, preoccupied]
David: How do you feel?
David: Something the matter?
David: Then what is it?
Elaine: No, nothing.
[Later on, at Monk's, Jerry has just come in to meet Elaine. He joins her at
Elaine: I was with David *Putty* last night.
Jerry: Yeah, so.
Elaine: He did the move.
Jerry: What move?
Elaine: You know...*the* move.
Jerry: Wait a second. *My* move?
Jerry: David Putty used *my* move?
Elaine: Yes, yes.
Jerry: Are you sure?
Elaine: Jerry! There is no confusing *that* move with any other move.
Jerry: I can't believe it. He *stole* my move.
Elaine: What else did you tell [reaches over to slap Jerry] him. [does it
again] The two of you must have had *quite* a little chat!
Jerry: Oh, it wasn't like that! I didn't even mention you. You know, we
were in the garage. You know how garages are. They're conducive to sex
talk. It's a high-testosterone area.
Elaine: Because of all the pistons and the lube jobs?
Jerry: Well, I'm going down to that garage and telling him to stop doing it.
Elaine: Well, wait---wait a second.
Elaine: Isn't that a little...rash?
Jerry: No! He stole my move!
Elaine: Yeah, but...*I* like the move.
Jerry: Yeah, but it's like another comedian stealing my material.
Elaine: Well, he doesn't even do it exactly the same. He--he--he uses a
pinch at the end instead of the *swirl*!
Jerry: Oh, yeah. The pinch. *I've* done the pinch. That's not new.
Besides which, I don't know how you could trust any of his moves now. His
whole *repertoire* could be lifted.
Elaine: You know, it's strange, because he's such an honest mechanic.
Jerry: I know, he's probably the only honest mechanic in New York.
[Later, Jerry and George are outside, where Jerry has just bought a candy bar
at the newsstand]
Jerry: ...so he stole my move and he's using it on Elaine.
George: You told David Putty your move and you didn't tell *me*? I *need* a
move. You know I have no moves, Jerry. [points to the candy bar] Gimme a
Jerry: Can I just get it opened first?
George: I can't believe you're hoarding sex moves. I'm out there rubbing
two sticks together. You walk around with a zippo.
Jerry: All right, all right. Here. [hands George a piece of the candy
George: [takes a bite] Oh, that's good. That's very good.
Jerry: You feel better?
George: Yeah, much better. All right, so what's the move, because I need
*something*. This woman I'm dating, it's like she's doing her nails during
Jerry: Nancy Klopper?
George: Yeah. Never seen anyone so bored. I'm working like a dog here.
Give me a moan. *Something*. I'd settle for a belch, for god's sake. All
right, come on, let's have it.
Jerry: All right, George. I'm gonna tell you. But I just wanna make sure,
George: Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's in the vault. I'm putting it in the vault.
Jerry: It's not even a question of that. The point is when something like
this is passed along, one must be certain that it's going to be used in a
*conscientious* way. This is not some parlor trick to be used---
George: You're gonna tell me...or not.
Jerry: All right. On your bed. You got a headboard? You'll need a
George: I got a headboard.
Jerry: Is it padded?
Jerry: Good. How tall is she?
George: Five-foot four. Why?
Jerry: You can't have more than a one-foot differential in your heights.
Otherwise, you could really hurt your neck.
George: I can't tell ya how much I appreciate this.
Jerry: George, if you could master this, you'll never be alone again.
[Back at Jerry's apartment: Jerry and George have just walked in, still
conversing on the same subject]
Jerry: Now, the ending is kind of an option. I use the swirl. I like the
swirl. I'm comfortable with the swirl. *I* feel the swirl is a great
capper. He uses the pinch, which I find a little presumptuous.
George: Is it a clockwise swirl?
Jerry: I prefer clockwise, but it's not written in stone.
[Kramer enters, holding an object of some kind].
Kramer: Here you go, buddy. [shows it to Jerry].
Jerry: What is it?
Kramer: *Fusilli* Jerry! It's made from Fusilli pasta. See the microphone?
Jerry: When did you do this?
Kramer: In my spare time. [turns to George]. You know, I'm working on one
of you, George. I'm using ravioli. See, the hard part is to find a pasta
that captures the individual.
Jerry: Oh... Why Fusilli?
Kramer: Because *you're* silly. Get it? [hands the Fusilli to Jerry]
Jerry: Well, thank you very much.
George: So, did you get your new plates?
Kramer: Oh...yeah. I got my new plates. But they mixed them up. Somebody
got mine and I got their *vanity* plates.
George: What do they say?
Kramer: Yeah. Assman, Jerry. I'm Cosmo Kramer, the Assman!
Jerry: Who would order a license plate that says "Assman"?
George: Maybe they're Wilt Chamberlain's.
Jerry: It doesn't have to be someone who gets a lot of women. It could be
just some guy with a big ass.
Kramer: Yeah, or it could be a proctologist.
Jerry: Yeah. Proctologist.
George: Come on! No doctor would put that on his car.
Kramer: Have you ever *met* a proctologist? Well, they usually have a very
good sense of humor. You meet a proctologist at a party, don't walk away.
*Plant* yourself there, because you will hear the funniest stories you've
ever heard. See, no one wants to admit to them that they *stuck* something
up there. Never! It's always an accident. Every proctologist story ends in
the same way: "It was a million to one shot, Doc. Million to one."
[A phone rings in the distant]
Kramer: Oh! There's my phone. [He leaves]
George: So, where you gonna stick this [points to the Fusilli Jerry]
Jerry: I'll tell you where I'd like to stick it.
[We cut to the garage where David Putty is working on a car. Jerry walks in]
Jerry: Hey, David.
David: Oh, hi, Jerry.
Jerry: Hey, what's the story? I hear you're doing my move.
David: What move?
Jerry: What move? *My* move. The one I told you about. You used it on
David: You're move? What, are you kidding? I was doing that before I knew
you. All you told me about was the ending.
Jerry: The ending is the whole thing. Without the ending, it's nothing.
You had *nothing*.
David: Oh, that ending was *so* obvious. I would have figured it out
anyway. I didn't need you to tell me that stupid twist.
David: Whatever. I don't even do it.
Jerry: Oh, yeah, I know. You do the *pinch*.
David: Yeah, that's right.
Jerry: You can't come up with your own stuff , so you *steal* other peoples?
You're nothing but a hack.
David: Are you through, 'cuz, uh, I gotta get back to work.
Jerry: Well, I'll tell you what I'll do, you know. If you wanna do it out
of town...okay. But not in the city.
David: All right, how about the next time your car breaks down, you take
*that* out of town.
[While driving, Jerry hits a pothole and his car is now making a clanking
[We join George and Nancy, who are....getting busy under the covers.]
Nancy: Ow, George! [crawls out from beneath the covers] What are you
George: [pops his head out of the covers, looking a bit confused] Uh...you
know, uh...pleasuring you.
Nancy: Well, stop it!
George: You don't like the move?
Nancy: No. I don't.
George: You're kidding.
Nancy: No, I'm not. It feels like aliens poking at my body.
George: Sorry. I'll just go back to my usual routine.
[Back to Elaine and David in the middle of, uh...you know...]
Elaine: Oh, god! Oh, god, Dave! Oh, yes! Yes!
David: No, I'm sorry.
David: I can't do the move.
David: Oh, he's ruined it for me.
Elaine: Oh, oh, come on, please?
David: No, he called me a hack. I'm just not into doing it anymore.
Elaine: Oh, so---so that's it?
David: I'll come up with some new stuff.
[Cut to Kramer heading towards his car. He picks up a note on his windshield
and reads it...]
Kramer: "Call me. Thirty-six, twenty-four, forty-six. I think I have what
you're looking for." [Pleased by the note, Kramer stumbles into his car].
[Meanwhile, Estelle is at Dr. Bakersoll's office]
Dr. Bakersoll: I must caution you about one thing. You can't cry for at
least ten day. You can ruin the operation.
Estelle: Oh, okay.
Dr. Bakersoll: Now, is someone coming to pick you up?
Estelle: Yes, my son's friend should be here any minute.
[In the parking lot just outside, Kramer has pulls into a "Doctors Only"
Security Guard: Can I help you?
Kramer: Ah, yeah. Doctor Cosmo Kramer. [points to plate] Proctology.
Security Guard: Oh, oh, okay. Sure...
Kramer: Thanks. Have a good day.
[Kramer is driving Estelle home]
Kramer: I just can't get over how fantastic you look.
Estelle: Oh, really?
Kramer: Oh, yeah. This takes twenty years off.
Estelle: And it was all done by laser. I don't even need bandages.
[As a car passes Kramer, someone yells out, "Yo, Assman! Look at the
Assman!" Kramer waves].
Estelle: Did he say "Assman"?
Kramer: Oh, yeah.
Estelle: Oh my goodness.
[Another car passes: "Hey, the Assman's in town!"]
Kramer: You got that straight!
Estelle: Boy. I never dreamed it could make such a difference.
[Kramer makes a sudden stop, and in a protective gesture, he sticks his arm
out in front of Estelle.]
[Back to Jerry's apartment]
Jerry: You must have done *something* wrong. You probably screwed up the
order. Did you close with the swirl?
George: Supposed to close with the swirl?
Jerry: Oh my god. Yes, you close with the swirl. There's a progression
there. I told you to write it down.
George: Yeah, yeah, should've written it down.
[Bzzz. Jerry walks over to answer it]
Jerry: C'mon up. [turns to George] You know what? Do me a favor. Don't
even do the move anymore. You're gonna give it a bad name.
[The phone rings]
Jerry: Hello? Yeah, this is Jerry Seinfeld. What? Twenty-eight hundred
dollars?!! That's the estimate on my car?!! No, don't even do anything.
I'm gonna think about it. Okay, bye.
George: What's to think about? If Putty says it's what it is, it's what it
is. He's not gonna cheat you.
Jerry: Except that it's not Putty.
George: What happened to Putty?
Jerry: Eh, we had a little fight about the move. I took her to this other
place. I think they might be trying to screw me.
George: Well, of course they're trying to screw you. What do you think?
That's what they do. They can make up anything. Nobody knows. "By the
way, you need a new Johnson rod in there." "Oh, a Johnson rod. Yeah, well,
you better put one of those on."
[Elaine comes in looking a bit peeved]
Jerry: Hey, Elaine.
Elaine: Yeah, yeah, hello.
Jerry: Is it something I said?
Elaine: Yes! As a matter of fact! David Putty won't do the move anymore.
Elaine: Oh, he's come up with some other move. You should see this thing.
Jerry: What is it?
Elaine: Oh, it's a lot of just fancy-schmancy stuff. You know what it's
like? It's like a big budget movie with a story that goes *nowhere*.
Elaine: I mean, this move is no good, Jerry. It's just taking up a lot of
my time. And I...will not stand by and allow him to perform this move on me,
when a perfectly good move is just sitting in the barn doing nothing!
George: Let me ask you a question. This new move. Is there a knuckle
involved in any way?
Elaine: Yes. As a matter of fact, there is.
George: I think that's mine.
Elaine: I'm not surprised.
Jerry: Listen. I need you to do me a favor. When's the next time you're
gonna see him?
Jerry: You gotta get an estimate on my car from him. I think this garage is
trying to screw me.
Elaine: An estimate? How am I supposed to do that?
Jerry: Well, look. Here's the work order with everything that broke. Just
kind of bring it up at the right time and find out. [hands Elaine the work
Elaine: [takes the work order and points to the Fusilli Jerry sitting on the
table] What? What is this?
Jerry: That's, uh, Fusilli Jerry.
Elaine: Fusilli Jerry?
Jerry: Yeah. Kramer made it.
George: All right, listen, I'll see you guys later.
[As George is leaving, Kramer comes in with a female companion]
Jerry: Hey, Assman!
Kramer: Hey, well, this is Sally.
Kramer: Shall we go?
Sally: Okay. [turns around and walks out with an exaggerated swing of her
[Elaine, Jerry, and George make a face]
[Back at the Costanzass house...]
Estelle: You can't face the fact that I'm improving myself.
Frank: You're not the only one improving yourself. I worked out with a
dumbbell yesterday. I feel *vigorous*.
Estelle: Just take your mail and go home. I have things to do.
Frank: I got things to do, too.
Estelle: Don't upset me! I can't cry!
Frank: Getting an eye job like some Manhattanite, huh?
Estelle: Well, it's already working. Kramer made a pass at me.
Frank: Kramer made a pass at you? You're crazy.
Estelle: I'm not crazy. He stopped short and made a grab.
Frank: He stopped short? That's my move. I'm gonna kill him!
[Once again, we join Elaine and David...in bed as usual...doing what they do
Elaine: Hey, let me ask you a question.
Elaine: What do you charge for blown shocks?
Elaine: Two, three hundred?
David: I don't know. Maybe five hundred.
[They go back to kissing]
Elaine: What about a bad gasket?
David: Bad gasket?
Elaine: Yeah. Like a terrible gasket.
David: What is all this?
Elaine: Nothing, nothing. I'm just taking an interest in what you...do.
David: What kind of car is it?
Elaine: Oh...any kind of---of a Swedish car.
David: All together, that could run about sixteen hundred.
Elaine: Is that with the parts and labor?
Elaine: Oh, no. No, David. No, please. Not the knuckle....
[Back to George and Nancy in bed. George is looking quite pleased with
himself. Nancy, on the other hand, looks...bewildered...pleasantly
Nancy: Wow. That was...*great*. I mean...*wow*.
George: It just came to me.
Nancy: I---I've never in my life have---have I---. What was that?
George: You mean in the end?
George: A counter-clockwise swirl.
[Spotting something on George's hand]
Nancy: What's that?
Nancy: On---on your hand? Let me see what's on your hand.
George: Nothing. I don't know...just a little dirt.
Nancy: Give me that. [grabs his hand] I wanna see what's on your hand.
[They struggle for a bit, but Nancy finally gets a hold of his hand and tries
to make out the scribble]
Nancy: Number one. Take her leg.... Oh, my god! Crib notes? You've got
George: It's a very complicated move! I couldn't remember it all.
Nancy: Oh, my god, you're sick. [gets out of bed]
George: You know, it's not the S.A.T.s!
[Cut to Frank on the streets. He spots Kramer's car. He looks inside the
back window and sees the "Bro"---or is it the "Manssierre"? He checks out
Frank: Assman? I'll get him, Assman!
[Back to Jerry's apartment]
Jerry: Sixteen hundred dollars? That's all? *Ooh*, they are ripping me
Elaine: So what are you going to do?
Jerry: Well, that's it. I'm going back to Putty. No move is worth this.
Elaine: Oh! You mean you don't care if he does the move anymore?
Jerry: Are you kidding? He can do every move I've ever done! Do you know
what a good mechanic is worth? You can't compare that to sex.
[There's a knock at the door and Jerry goes over to answer it]
Jerry: Hi, Mr. Constanza. What's uh...?
Frank: Where's your friend Kramer?
Jerry: I don't know. Why?
Frank: Because I'm looking for him. That's why. He stopped short.
Jerry: What do you mean?
Frank: In a car, with my wife. He stopped short. You think I don't know
what that's about? That's my old move! I used it on Estelle forty years
ago! I told everybody about it! Everybody knows! [Demonstrates] Hmmph! I
Jerry: Really, stopping short. That's a good move.
Frank: You're not kidding it's a good move!
[Kramer walks in.]
Kramer: Hey, Frank.
Frank: Don't Frank me! I know what you did. How dare you stop short with
Kramer: C'mon, Frank, relax. I don't even know what you're talking about.
[Frank backs Kramer into the table, knocking the Fusilli Jerry to the floor]
Frank: You think I don't know, Assman?!! To think I almost split the
profits on the Manssierre with you.
Frank: Manssierre! You...!
[Frank grabs Kramer by the collar and in doing so, he slips and falls right
on top of the Fusilli Jerry]
Jerry: Oh, my god!
[Everyone gasps in horror, including George, who was just walking in at that
[At the medical center, the gang is in the waiting room, waiting for the word
Frank's condition. Looks like they're still in shock]
Jerry: If I wasn't there, I wouldn't have believed it.
Elaine: Me either.
George: They say this guy's the best.
Jerry: He had to use cork-screw pasta.
[At that thought, Jerry, George, and Elaine shift uncomfortably in their
seats. Meanwhile, Kramer is checking out the pictures on the wall. He spots
Kramer: Jerry. Jerry, come here. Take a look at this.
[Jerry joins him]
Kramer: The name on the boat. Look at it.
Kramer: Yeah [points towards the doctor's office], he's the Assman! Jerry,
*he's* the Assman!
[The doctor walks in]
Doctor: Which one is the son?
George: [stands up] I am.
Doctor: Ah. I'm Doctor Cooperman. I just want you to know that this won't
take long. And he's going to be fine.
[Kramer stops Dr. Cooperman at the door.]
Kramer: Yeah, excuse me, uh... You didn't by any chance recently get the
wrong license plates?
Dr. Cooperman: Yes. I'm still waiting for the motor vehicle bureau to
straighten it out.
Kramer: So...you're the Assman.
[Dr. Cooperman winks and heads back to where Frank is waiting]
Frank: It was a million to one shot, Doc. Million to one.
[Back at the Costanza's house, George and Frank are just walking in]
Estelle: Where have you been?!! You were supposed to fix the stove! I've
been waiting for hours!
Frank: I fell on some Fusilli.
Frank: You know, the corkscrew pasta. It was a Fusilli Jerry. It got stuck
in me. Had to go to the proctologist.
Estelle: The proctologist? Are you okay?
Estelle: Oh, I was so worried. [grabs a couple of tissues from the box]
George: Ma, don't cry!
Estelle: Oh, I can't help it!
George: Ma, your eyes!