Episode #417 -- "The Junior Mints"
Originally Aired: Thursday, March 18, 1993, 9:30PM

Production Credits:
Supervising Producer ................. Larry Charles
Supervising Producer ................. Tom Cherones
Executive Producer ................... Andrew Scheinman
Created By ........................... Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld
Written By ........................... Andy Robin
Directed By .......................... Tom Cherones

Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld (well, duh!)
George Castanza ...................... Jason Alexander
Elaine Benes ......................... Julia Louis-Drefus
Kramer ............................... Michael Richards
Mystery Woman ........................ Susan Walters
Roy .................................. Sherman Howard
Doctor ............................... Victor Raider-Wexler

% Opening monologue (yes, I taped it this time!)

Jerry: You can't just *have* an adultery-- you *commit* adultery. And you
can't even *commit* adultery unless you already *have* a commitment.
So you have to make the commitment before you can even think about
committing it. There's no commit without the commit. Then, once
you commit, then you can commit the adultery and then you get caught,
get divorced, lose your mind and they have you committed. But y'know
some people actually *cheat* on the people that they're cheating
with. Which is like, y'know, being in a hold up and then turning
to the robber next to you and goin' ``Alright, gimme everything you
have, too''.

[End monologue -- Time 0:30]

% Jerry's apartment, Jerry's unloading grocs.

George: You met her at the supermarket? How did you do that?
Jerry: Produce section. *Very* provocative area. A lot of melons and
shapes. Everyone's squeezing and smelling... It just happened.
George: So when're you gonna see her?
Jerry: Tonight.
George: What's her name?
Jerry: I... don't... know...
George: How could you not know her name?
Jerry: I was a little nervous, I got distracted. It has something to do
with a car, or a fish...

% Jerry interrupts himself to pick up a pile of black driftwood on his
% counter...

Jerry: Look at that. Why do I get bananas? They're good for *one* day...

% Oops. My mistake. Guess those were bananas. Anybody know a good banana
% bread recipie?

George: Oh my God, I forgot to tell you. I got a letter today from the
State Controller's Office. Y'know when I was going to public school
back in Brooklyn, every week I used to put fifty cents in the
Lincoln Savings Bank.
Jerry: Yeah, I did that too.
George: You remember the, the little bank book, there?
Jerry: Sure.
George: Alright, so I haven't put anything in it since sixth grade, I
completely forgot about it. The State Controller's Office tracks
me down. The interest has accumulated to 1 900 dollars. 1 900
dollars! They're sending me a cheque!
Jerry: Wow!
George: Yeah, interest. It's an amazing thing. You make money without
doing anything...
Jerry: Y'know I have friends who try to base their whole life on that
George: Really? Who?
Jerry: Nobody you know...

George: Maybe I'll go down to the track. Put it all on a horse...
Jerry: Why don't you put it in the *bank*?
George: The *bank*? This is *found* money. I want to *parlay* it. I wanna
make a big score!
Jerry: *Oh*, you mean you wanna *lose* it...

% The K-Man cometh... Jerry flips him a pack of dishwashing gloves he picked
% up for him at the grocery store.

George: What's with the gloves?
Kramer: Well, I'm staining my floors and, y'know, I don't want to get my
hands dirty...
George: What, the whole apartment?
Kramer: The whole apartment. And I'm buying that fake wood wallpaper. I'm
gonna surround myself in wood. It's gonna be like a log cabin.
'Cuz I *need* wood around me. Wood, Jerry [Snaps fingers]... Wood.


Jerry: What, you rented "Home Alone"?
George: Yeah.
Jerry: I thought you saw that already...
George: No, I saw "Home Alone II".
Jerry: Oh, right... But you *hated* it!
George: Well I was lost, I never saw the first one. By the way, do you
mind if I watch it here?
Jerry: What for?
Jerry: Because if I watch it at my apartment I feel like I'm not doing
anything. If I watch it here, I'm out of the house; I'm doing

% Y'know George, *I* have friends who base their life on *that* principle...
% The brute comes back in wearing the gloves Jerry got him.

Kramer: I can't work with these!
Jerry: What's wrong?
Kramer: Well, you bought me dishwashing gloves. There's no *fine touch*...
Jerry: You said "gloves"...
Kramer: No, no, these are too thick.

Kramer: Oooh, is that "Home Alone"?
George: Yeah. The *original*.

% Elaine enters to a fanfare of "Woos" and applause from the studio
% audience. I hate that. Did I mention I hate that?

Elaine: Hey Boys-O!

% Jerry and Kramer get up to leave, but there's been a change of plans...

Elaine: Remember Roy, the artist?
Jerry: Right, the "triangle" guy.
Elaine: Exactly, the "triangle" guy.
Jerry: Yeah, you liked him. What happened with him?
Elaine: Yeah I did. He was very talented. He was just a little too...
Jerry: Artsy?
Elaine: Fat.
Jerry: Oh.
Elaine: He was a fat, starving artist, y'know. That's very rare. Anyway,
he's in the hospital, he's having surgery and I feel like should go
visit him.

% The three of them agree, particularly since Kramer can seek out some of
% those thin medical gloves at the hospital. He goes to get his stuff.

Elaine: Listen, Jerry can you do me a favour? Could you go into the room
with me to visit him because I don't want him to think that I'm,
y'know... interested.
Jerry: Oh, you want me to pretend to be your boyfriend.
Elaine: Well...
Jerry: Well I think I can do that. I believe I've played that role before
to some critical acclaim.

% Kramer is ready to go so they're on their way out. Elaine notices George
% is staying behind and queries:

Elaine: What's with him?
Jerry: Y'know a lot of people have asked that...

% At the Hospital, Elaine and Jerry find the triangle man's room, but it
% seems as though something is amiss...

Elaine: Roy!
Roy: *Elaine*! What a *surprise*.
Elaine: Oh, my *God*! I hardly recognise you! You look so...
Roy: I've lost some weight...
Elaine: A *lot* of weight.
Roy: I know.
Elaine: You look ter*rific*.
Roy: Thank you. So do you.

% Elaine introduces Jerry (the boyfriend) to Roy:

Elaine: This is... uh... you *really* lost weight.
Roy: Thank you.

% Since Elaine has got the "screamin' thigh sweats" goin', Jerry takes it
% upon himself to be introduced and sticks out his hand.

Jerry: Jerry, uh, I'm the boyfriend.

% While this is going on, Kramer is out in the hallway trying to find his
% gloves. He tries a door:

Woman: Waaaaaaaaa!

% Oops. Wrong door. Try the next one, K-Man...

Kramer: Ah, the mother lode!

% Call off the dogs, the hunt is over. Back in Roy's room, Elaine is
% sitting on Roy's lap.

Elaine: I can't believe it! You were *huge*! Like blubber! I couldn't
even get my arms around you...
Roy: Yes, I remember.

% Y'know there's nothing like some nice words to make you feel all warm n'
% gushy inside when you're really ill.

Elaine: Well that's the positive thing about getting sick, you get to lose
Roy: Elaine, it wasn't the illness. It was you.

% That's a relief. I though he was going to say "liposuction".

Roy: After you stopped seeing me, I was devastated. I couldn't eat for
Elaine: *Get* *out*!
Roy: Really, it's the truth.
Elaine: Jerry, did you hear that? He couldn't eat for weeks...
Jerry: That's terrible...

Elaine: I had no idea I had that kind of effect on you.
Roy: You did.

Jerry: You know I can't get this damn thing to sleep...

% Oh yeah, did I mention Jerry was playing with a Yo-Yo?

Elaine: Now listen, tell me something. When are you gettin out of here?
Roy: Next Thursday.
Elaine: Okay, I'll tell you what. How about on Friday I take you out for
a *big* meal because *you* are getting *too* thin...

% Um, Jerry (the boyfriend) seems to have a problem with this and the two
% exchange in a banter that's only funny if you hear it 'cuz they speak to
% each other in super-polite, higher-pitched voices.

Jerry: Honey... Aren't we going to the Poconos next Friday?
Elaine: No that's the week after.
Jerry: No, I believe it's next week.
Elaine: You're wrong.
Jerry: No I'm not...
Elaine: Shut up...

% Kramer comes back in the room with a mitt full o' gloves.

Kramer: Paydirt!

Elaine: Uh Roy, this is Kramer-- he's one of our friends.
Roy: How do you do?
Kramer: I do great.

% Roy's doctor comes into the room.

Doctor: Hi Roy.
Roy: Oh, hey Dr. Siegel.
Jerry: Hey Doc, check this out. [does an around-the-world] I *just*
learned that.

% The doctor is at a loss

Doctor: I just wanted to stop by to see if you had any questions about
tomorrow's operation.
Kramer: Yeah, I have a question. What do you know about inter-abdominal
Doctor: Are you asking because you saw "20/20" last night?
Kramer: I sure am.
Doctor: Well that report was about *one* very specific type of retractor
and I can assure you we do not use that kind type of retractor in
your friend's procedure.
Kramer: But you *will* use... a retractor.
Doctor: We have to...
Kramer: Mmm-hmm...

% Kramer, you ombudsman you... Maybe his name is "Ralph Nader Kramer"?

Doctor: Tell you what. You're obviously concerned about your friend's
welfare. A few of my students will be observing tomorrow's
operation from the viewing gallery. How would you like to watch it
with them?
Kramer: I'd love to watch the operation, yeah!
Jerry: I dunno...
Kramer: Oh, come on Jerry. You gotta see the operation. They're gonna cut
him open. His guts'll be all over the place...
Jerry: Yeah, that's true...
Kramer: ...They'll saw through bone. [makes saw noises while gesturing over
Roy's chest] You'll see what's *inside* bone...

% He makes it sound so appealing, doesn't he? We skip ahead to Jerry's
% apartment. George is finishing watching the movie and he, uh, has
% something in his eye...

Jerry: Hey.
George: Hi...
Jerry: What are doing, you crying??
George: No...
Jerry: You crying from "Home Alone"??
George: The old man got to me.
Jerry: Alright, just get yourself together... I dunno if I can be friends
with you anymore after this display
George: Shut up! What are you doing back so soon, anyway?
Jerry: Oh, I never even got to the gym. Kramer got the gloves and wanted
to get home and start working on his floor.

George: How's the guy?
Jerry: Oh, he's okay. In fact him and Elaine are getting pretty chummy.
Now Elaine wants me to buy some of his art.
George: That's nerve...
Jerry: Yeah, so she and "Triangle Boy" can go out to fancy restaurants.

George: Y'know what it is? It's "Clara Nightengale Syndrome". He falls
ill; she falls in love.
Jerry: You mean Florence Nightengale.
George: What'd I say? Clara?
Jerry: Yeah, you must have meant Clara Barton.
George: Clara Barton? What did she do?
Jerry: I'm not sure, but I think she was nice.
George: Susan B. Anthony I think I'd have a problem with.
Jerry: Yeah, I think you would.

George: So, you gonna buy his art?
Jerry: No. Why don't you buy it? You got 1 900 dollars.
George: Yeah, that's what I want-- triangles. Alright, I'm outta here.
Have fun with what's-her-name.
Jerry: I will.
George: Y'know, now you gotta ask her her name. It's so embarassing.
Jerry: No, it isn't. I can find out.
George: Yeah? How?
Jerry: There are ways.

% Later, the mystery woman and Jerry are sitting on the couch...

Jerry: Y'know I remember when I was a kid growin up, kids would make fun
of my name like you wouldn't believe-- "Jerry Jerry Dingleberry",
Woman: "Seinsmelled"?
Jerry: Yeah. What about you? Did people make fun of your name?
Woman: Are you kidding? They were merciless! What do you expect when your
name rhymes with a part of the female anatomy? Of course, not
everybody can be as sweet as you are.

% How can anyone not like him? They embrace...

Woman: Oh, Jerry...
Jerry: Oh... *you*...

% J+G sit at Monk's later and they're in the middle of a conversation when
% we join them...

George: Now let's try "breast"... Celeste... Kest...
Jerry: No.
George: Rest... Sest... Hest...
Jerry: "Hest"? That's not a name.
George: What, you should've just asked her.
Jerry: I know, I should've asked her.
George: What're you gonna do now?
Jerry: I dunno. I can't ask her now; I've already made out with her. Once
you make out with a woman, you can't ask her her name.
George: Aretha!
Jerry: No...
George: Bovary!
Jerry: Alright, that's enough.

George: Alright, well you know what you gotta do, you gotta go through her
purse. Y'know, the credit cards, driver's license...
Jerry: How am I gonna do that?
George: When she goes to the bathroom.

Kramer: Ah, there you are. My date stood me up. Listen, will you guys
go to the operation with me?
Jerry: You asked a date to go to the operation?
Kramer: Yeah... So c'mon, what d'you say?
George: What kind of operation is it?
Kramer: Spleenectomy.
George: Isn't that where they remove the--
Kramer: Don't ruin it for me, I haven't seen it yet!

% Yeah George, what if Kramer told you the ending to "Home Alone" before you
% finally saw it.

Kramer: C'mon, what d'you say?
George: Mulva!
Jerry: Mulva?
Kramer: C'mon, do you wanna go?
Jerry: Alright, alright. Just let me finish my coffee... then we'll go
watch them slice this fat bastard up.

% We cut to the operating room at the Hospital where J+K are seated in
% the fromnt row of the viewing gallery directly overlooking the table
% below. There's no glass in front of them, or anything, so they can
% look right over the edge.

Doctor: Now we'll open the peritoneal cavity, exposing the body's internal
organs. Nurse-- retractor.

% I still don't trust that retractor. Anyway, Kramer gets a box of candy
% out and starts to munch...

Jerry: What are you eating?
Kramer: Junior Mints. Do you want one?
Jerry: No...
Kramer: I can't see... Psst....

% Kramer motions to a nurse to get out of the way so he can see. Say what
% you want about the Loathsome brute, but the man has tact.

Jerry: Where'd you get those?
Kramer: The machine. You want one? Here, take one.
Jerry: I don't want any!
Kramer: No, they're good!
Jerry: I don't want any!
Kramer: Just take one.
Jerry: No! Kramer, stop it!

% The two try to force the Junior mint on each other and in the struggle
% the sweet projectile launches itself into the air towards the operating
% table and, well, in a word: "Bingo".

[End Act I -- 9:30]

% We're at Jerry's apartment where he is obviously relating the day's
% events to George.

Jerry: ...Over the balcony, bounced off some respirator thing *into* the
George: What do you mean "into the patient"?
Jerry: Into the patient, *literally*!
George: Into the hole?
Jerry: Yes, the hole!
George: Didn't they notice it?
Jerry: No!
George: How could they not notice it?!?
Jerry: Because it's a little mint. It's a *Junior* Mint.

George: What did they do?
Jerry: They sealed him up with the mint inside.
George: They *left* the Junior Mint *in* him?
Jerry: Yes!
George: I guess it can't hurt him... People eat *pounds* of those things.
Jerry: They *eat* them, they don't put them next to vital organs in their
abdominal cavity!

% Kramer enters...

Kramer: Hey, this wallpaper is *very* good. My place looks like a ski
Jerry: Why did you force that mint on me? I didn't want the mint!
Kramer: Well, I didn't believe you.
Jerry: How could you not believe me?!?
Kramer: Who's gonna turn down a Junior Mint? It's chocolate, it's
peppermint-- it's *delicious*!
Jerry: That's true.
Kramer: It's very refreshing!
Jerry: Well, just don't say anything about this to Elaine...

% Elaine enters the apartment, looking forlorn and morose...

Elaine: Prognosis... negative.
Jerry: Prognosis *negative*!?
Elaine: He's not doing well, the doctors don't know what it is. They're
J+K: Oh, my God...

Elaine: Just my luck, y'know... just when he's getting thin and attractive.
Y'know Jerry, you should buy some of his art. That would really
lift his spirits.
George: It's that bleak?
Elaine: Mmm...

% Elaine goes to the bathroom, and George's mind shifts into third...

George: Y'know if the guy dies, the art could really be worth something...

% How can anyone not like him?
% Jerry and Kramer irrationally discuss what they're going to do about
% all this.

Jerry: We gotta confess.
Kramer: Really?
Jerry: Yes!
Kramer: We could be tried for murder...
Jerry: I can't have this on my conscience. We're like Leopold and Loeb!
Kramer: You're not gonna say anything, you got that?
Jerry: I'm telling and you can't stop me!
Kramer: You're *not*!!!

% Elaine comes out of the biffy (just in time before J+K resorted to
% fisticuffs). George, ever the caring nurturer, does Elaine a favour:

George: Hey Elaine? Put me down for some of that art. 1 900 dollars worth.

% Later, at the apartment, the Mystery Woman gives Jerry a massage.

Jerry: Oh yeah, that's the spot...
Woman: What're you so tense about?
Jerry: Oh, nothing really... Just a homicide. [She finds the right spot
on his back] Oh that's terrific... Mulva.
Woman: What?
Jerry: Mulva?
Woman: Mulva?
Jerry: My Aunt's name is Mulva. She's a masseuse.
Woman: I'm going to the bathroom. Be right back.
Jerry: Oh, good idea...

% She comes back suddenly...

Woman: What are you doing?
Jerry: Oh, I was just looking for some... gum or... mint.
Woman: Oh, I have Junior Mints.
Jerry: No! [throws her purse back at her] No, I mean, no thank you...

% StealthKramer enters the apartment (again!)

Kramer: Any news?
Jerry: [whispering] No, you better get out of here. No, wait a second...
Wait a second... I don't know the name of this woman in the
bathroom, so when she comes out, you introduce yourself and then
she'll be forced to say her name.
Kramer: 10-4.
Woman: Oh, hello.
Kramer: Hello, I'm Kramer.
Woman: Nice to meet you.
Kramer: See you later. [He leaves]

% I think I must have blinked 'cus I missed the introduction.

Woman: Well, I better get going. I don't want to be late for the play.
Y'know my cousin knows the producer. I may get to go backstage
and meet Olympia Dukakis.
Jerry: Hey, theres a name you don't forget.

% She goes to leave, and George comes in with a couple more movies to
% watch at Jerry's (I'm not positive, but I think the movie on top is
% "Pretty Woman", in which Jason Alexander plays an evil lawyer (like
% there's any other kind). But I digress).

Woman: Oh, hi.
George: Hi, I'm George.
Woman: Nice to meet you, George.

% She leaves...

George: I gave it a shot... So, any word on the "artiste"?
Jerry: No, I haven't heard anything.
George: Well, I got my triangles.
Jerry: Really...
George: Yup, y'know, they really spruce up the apartment.
Jerry: Yeah, I'm sure...

Jerry: Well, I gotta call the Hospital. I gotta tell 'em what happened.
George: No, Jerry. I wouldn't do that.
Jerry: Why?
George: You could get in trouble.
Jerry: Look, I gotta try and help the guy.
George: Who are you to play God!? Every man's time comes! If his number
is up, who are you to interfere!?
Jerry: Yes I'd like to speak to Dr. Siegel... it's about Roy Kordic's
George: What? What?
Jerry: Oh, thats *fantastic*!
George: He didn't get better, did he?
Jerry: Thank you very much. Bye-bye. He's gonna be okay!
George: Where's the luck? There's no luck. 1 900 dollars down the drain.

% Back at the Hospital, Roy is recovering with a heapin' helpin' of
% spaghetti.

Roy: You saved my life, George. You buying my art is what inspired me
to get better. I'll never forget what you did for me.
George: Oh, that's great. That's great.
Kramer: Y'know, art is a great investment.
Elaine: It's gonna look great in your apartment, George.
George: Yes I look forward to many years of looking at the triangles.
Well, I'll wait for you outside.
Roy: Hey, George... [kiss]

Doctor: Y'know I don't want to totally discount the emotional element in
your recovery, but I think there were other factors at play here.
Jerry: What do you mean?
Doctor: I have no medical evidence to back me up, but something happened
during the operation that staved off that infection. Something
beyond science. Something perhaps from above...
Kramer: Mint?
Doctor: Those can be very refreshing.

% Roy has other matters on his mind (not to mention he's eating the plate of
% spaghetti like an absolute pig). Old habits die hard, I guess...

Roy: So Elaine... Where are we going for our big dinner on Friday?
Elaine: I'm so sorry Roy, but actually, we're going to the Poconos on
Friday, right honey? [pointing to Jerry (the boyfriend)]
Jerry: I don't think so...
Elaine: We are...
Jerry: I believe we're not...
Elaine: [Catching another glimpse of Roy eating] Please can we go to
the Poconos?
Jerry: Well, I'll think about it...

% Back at Jerry's apartment...

Woman: Great seats. You could see the actors spitting.
Jerry: Really...
Woman: And afterwards we went backstage and Olympia Dukakis autographed my
Jerry: Oh, what're you saying, you got her autograph?
Woman: Yeah.
Jerry: Do you have it with you?
Woman: Yeah, it's in my purse.
Jerry: Let me see.
Woman: Y'know I really think I'm falling for you, Jerry Seinfeld.
Woman: Oh, well, I really think I'm falling for you... [reads autograph]
...Joseph Puglia...
Woman: I had it autographed for my uncle.
Jerry: Yeah, I know...
Woman: You don't know my name, do you?
Jerry: Yes I do.
Woman: What is it?
Jerry: It, uh, rhymes with a female body part.
Woman: What is it?
Jerry: Mulva...

% Oops... She leaves the apartment. Jerry follows and tries again:

Jerry: Gipple?

% And again:

Jerry: Loleola?

% Nope. He goes back inside and goes to get something out of the
% refrigerator, but before the fridge light can even go on, a light goes on
% in Jerry's head and he rushes to the window to catch the Mystery Woman
% before she gets out of earshot.

Jerry: Oh! Oh! *Delores*!

[End Act II -- Time 17:15]

% Closing monologue.

Jerry: Ages zero through ten, candy is your life. There's nothing else.
Family, friends, school-- they're only obstacles in the way of
getting more candy. And you have your favourite candies that you
love. ``I love those... I hate those...''. ``I hate those... I
love those...''. And only a seven year old kid can taste the
difference between a red M&M and a light brown M&M. Two totally
different things when you're seven years old. ``Well, your red is
more of a main course M&M, but the brown is more of a mellower
flavour; it's an after dinner M&M, really''.

[End -- Time 18:00]