Donated by Paulo Moreira (PGM@netc.pt)
Written by: Larry David
Directed by: Tom Cherones
Broadcasted: October 30, 1991 for the first time.
Stars: Jerry Seinfeld, Michael Richards,
Jason Alexander, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, David Dunard (as Security guard).
[Setting: A parking garage escalator]
(George, Jerry, Elaine, and Kramer are going down the excalator. Elaine's carrying a bag of goldfish, and Kramer's carying a large air conditioner box)
GEORGE: One left.. what a joke.
KRAMER: You can have this one.
GEORGE: No, that's not enough BTUs for my living room.. That was a complete waste of time. ELAINE: Hey, I didn't get one either.
JERRY: Why do I always have the feeling that everybody's doing something better than me on Saturday afternoons?
ELAINE: This is what people do.
JERRY: No they don't. They're out on some big picnic. They're cooking burgers. They're making out on blankets. They're not at some mall in Jersey watching their friends trying to find the world's cheapest air-conditioner.
(They get off the escalator, then walk around the lot, looking for the car)
GEORGE: You should see what my father used to go through before he bought a car. He'd go from state to state. He was away for weeks at a time. It was like he was running for President and he was going through the primaries. We'd get phone calls from motels in New Hampshire.
ELAINE: So we took a little ride. What's the big deal?
GEORGE: Well at least you accomplished something. You got fish.
JERRY: (Sarcastic) Big accomplishment.
GEORGE: Fish. What do they do?
ELAINE: (Annoyed at George) What do you do?
KRAMER: (Talking about his car) It's this way.
GEORGE: What time is it?
JERRY: Five o'clock.
GEORGE: Always late. Always late..
JERRY: You're not late.
GEORGE: I told them to meet me in front of my building at six-fifteen.
GEORGE: My parents. It's their anniversary. I'm taking them out to dinner and a show tonight. You think we'll hit traffic?
JERRY: Of course we'll hit traffic. It's rush hour.
ELAINE: Isn't it going the other way?
JERRY: There is no other way in New York. Everybody goes every way all the time.
ELAINE: But it's Saturday.
JERRY: You got the picnic and burger traffic.
GEORGE: I always get myself in this position. Can't be on time. Gotta rush.
(Kramer stops and looks around)
ELAINE: What's the matter?
(Kramer mumbles something, then continues walking)
JERRY: I have to go to the bathroom. Why do they hide the bathroom in these malls? (Kramer stumbles with the air conditioner) You want me to help you with that?
KRAMER: No, no, I got it.
(He stumbles again. Jerry spots a beautiful woman)
JERRY: (To George) What do you think, Georgie boy? (Gestures to the Woman)
GEORGE: (Sees the woman walk by) Did I need that pointed out for me? What is that going to do for me? How does that help me, to see her? I'm trying to live my life. Don't show me that.
KRAMER: If you like her, go talk to her.
GEORGE: Yeah, right. I'll just go up and say, "Hi, how ya' doing? Would you like a glass of white wine?"
JERRY: Before you got within twenty feet of this woman, she'd have her finger on the mace button. She's like an expensive car with one of those motion-sensor force field alarms. Any sudden movement in the area could set her off.
KRAMER: (Looks at her) She's fat.
ELAINE: Oh, she's fat? (Kramer stops again, he looks confused) What?
JERRY: Where's the car?
KRAMER: I thought it was here..
GEORGE: You don't know where we parked? (Kramer looks around, then resumes walking. They all follow) Oh, this is great!
KRAMER: Blue-one. I thought it was blue-one.
JERRY: I thought it was green. I remember seeing green.
ELAINE: I didn't pay attention.
GEORGE: This is just what I need.
ELAINE: I'm sure it's right around here. KRAMER: It looks familiar. I remember the elevator.
GEORGE: There's elevators all over! It all looks the same.
JERRY: It's over there. I know where it is. (Takes the lead, the others follow)
ELAINE: (To Kramer) It's black, right?
KRAMER: Dark blue.
GEORGE: (Mumbling) You come to a parking lot, you write it down. How hard is that?
JERRY: (Looking at a car) There it is!.. No, no that's a Toyota. (They all stop) Hmmm.. I thought it was..
KRAMER: (Pointing) Didn't we come in over there?
JERRY: (Points) I thought it was over there.
ELAINE: (Gesturing to her bag) How long can fish live in one of these plastic bags?
KRAMER: About two hours.
ELAINE: (Looks at her watch) You'd better find this car.
GEORGE: It's this way..
(They take off again)
JERRY: I really have to go to the bathroom..
KRAMER: Why don't you go behind one of these cars? (Jerry shoots him a look) Why? Nobody's around.
JERRY: I'll wait.
KRAMER: You know, when you hold it in like that you can cause a lot of damage to your bladder. That's what happens to truck drivers. They hold it in all the time. Eventually it starts coming out involuntarily.
JERRY: (Grossed out) Alright.
KRAMER: Jerry, are you aware that adult diapers are a six hundred million dollar a year industry?
JERRY: Maybe I should just go anytime I get the urge like you.. wherever I am. There's too much urinary freedom in this society. I'm proud to hold it in. It builds character.
ELAINE: (Sees a car) There it is!.. No that's not it. (A car screeches around a curve. Elaine is unnerved) Hey, watch it! (To George) ..Did you see that car? Maniac. Can you explain something to me? I got six questions wrong on my driver's test. That's the maximum. I read the book, I'm a college graduate. This is a country where fifty percent of its high school students can't locate Europe on a map. How are they all passing that test? It's a mystery.
GEORGE: ..Six wrong?
ELAINE: Those school zones are a killer.
JERRY: (To Kramer, offering assistance with his box) Will you let me help you with that?
KRAMER: I'm gonna put it down behind that car. (He walks over, and lays the box down behind a parked car)
JERRY: (Sarcastically joking) You're not worried somebody's gonna pee on it?
KRAMER: (To George) Pink-eleven. Remember that. GEORGE: Oh I got it. (To Jerry) That I'm supposed to remember? Where the car is, that's insignificant.
ELAINE: (Looking at the fish) I think they're laboring.
KRAMER: Look at this place. It's huge..
GEORGE: I can tell you this, if I am not in front of my house at six-fifteen when my parents get there, they will put me on an aggravation installment plan that will compound with interest for decades.
JERRY: Parents never forget a foul-up. I once left a jacket on the bus when I was fourteen. Last week I'm flying to Chicago to do a show, (Imitates his parents) "Make sure you hang on to your jacket."
GEORGE: Where the hell is this car, Kramer?
KRAMER: It's got to be here.
ELAINE: Why are they using so many colors? And the numbers go up to forty.
JERRY: Maybe it's not on this level.
JERRY: There are four different levels. Maybe we're on the wrong level. How long was the escalator ride up?
ELAINE: It felt like a couple of levels.
JERRY: You should always carry a pad and pen.
GEORGE: I can't carry a pen. I'm afraid I'll puncture my scrotum.
KRAMER: I have a pen.
JERRY: Where was the bathroom in this mall? There are six-hundred stores, I didn't see one bathroom! What is this, like a joke? They finished building the mall and they go, "Oh my god, we forgot the bathrooms."
(A mother disciplining her child comes into view)
MOTHER: Don't you dare talk to me like that! You hear me?
ELAINE: Look at that woman..
(The mother's hitting her boy on the back of his head)
MOTHER: I told you! I don't care! You'll have to wait.
GEORGE: (To the mother) Hey, is that necessary?
MOTHER: (To George) Why don't you mind your own business?
GEORGE: I think hitting a defenseless child is my business.
KID: (To George) You're ugly.
KID: You're ugly!
GEORGE: You are!
KID: You are! (Gets into the car. George is stunned)
GEORGE: (To the group) I should've hit the little son-of-a-bitch. I can't stand kids. Adults think it's so wonderful how honest kids are. I don't need that kind of honesty. I'll take a deceptive adult over an honest kid any day!
KRAMER: (Gesturing to a car) I found it!
ELAINE: He's got it.
KRAMER: Oh.. no.
JERRY: Alright, that's it. From now on, no more calling out they found it, unless we're sitting in it. Okay?
ELAINE: Jerry, look at my fish.
JERRY: (Holds up the bag, and hits it with his finger) His eyes look a little cloudy.
GEORGE: (Thinking about his parents) Oh are they gonna be furious.
JERRY: Who's got the tickets?
GEORGE: I do. (To Kramer) I thought you knew this mall? You said you'd been here before!
KRAMER: It was easy the last time.
ELAINE: My fish are dying right in front of me! We have to get someone to drive us around the parking lot to help us look for the car.
JERRY: No one's going to do that.
(Elaine spots a couple walking to their car)
ELAINE: Excuse me, we can't seem to find our car. I was wondering if it would be possible - if you're not in a hurry, to drive us around the garage for five minutes so we can look?
MAN 1: (Holding his hands up) ..Sorry.
ELAINE: Five minutes?
MAN 1: Can't do it.
ELAINE: We're not wilding! (They leave. She approaches two girls) Excuse me - I can't seem to find my car. Do you think you could drive me.. (They start laughing) Oh that's funny? Is that funny? Well tell me if you think this is funny: These fish are dying! They're gasping for oxygen right now! They'll be floating in an hour. Is that funny too?
(The girls ignore her and keep laughing)
(Scene cuts to Jerry)
JERRY: (To Kramer) Those are really ugly sneakers. Where did you get those?
KRAMER: Right here at the mall.
(Scene cuts back to Elaine. She's trying to get the attention of a man walking by)
ELAINE: Excuse me.. (He ignores her, and keeps walking) (Sarcastic) Sorry to have disturbed you. Terribly sorry. But the fish will be dead. You do know that! They can't live in plastic! That's not me talking, that's science! (Scene cuts to Jerry)
JERRY: It's amazing how shopping makes me have to go. All I have to do is walk into a department store and it's like some kind of horse laxative just kicked in.
KRAMER: You drank a whole bottle of water.
JERRY: I know.
KRAMER: So why don't you just go?
JERRY: No, I can't.
KRAMER: Don't you get tired of following rules?
JERRY: You think I'm too cautious?
KRAMER: Why be uncomfortable if you don't have to? It's organic.
JERRY: (Sarcastic) Organic. So is Oprah Winfrey.
KRAMER: It'll take you ten seconds. (Nudges Jerry)
JERRY: Okay, okay. I'll be right back.. (He walks to the back of a car, looks around for anyone, then unzips. He finishes in moments, zips up, then turns around to see a security guard with his arms folded scoffing at him)
SECURITY GUARD: Okay, let's go. Come with me.
SECURITY GUARD: Come on.
JERRY: (Starts to leave. To himself) ..Kramer
(Scene cuts to the security guard's office)
JERRY: I've had this condition since I was eleven! I've been in and out of hospitals my whole life. I have no control over it. Doctors have told me that when I feel it, the best thing to do is just release it. Otherwise, I could die.
SECURITY GUARD: Well you're still not allowed.
JERRY: Do you hear what I'm saying to you?! I'm telling you that if I don't go, I could die. Die! Is it worth dying for?
SECURITY GUARD: That's up to you.
JERRY: So you don't care if I die?
SECURITY GUARD: What I care about is the sanitary condition of the parking facility.
JERRY: It was life and death!
SECURITY GUARD: Uh-huh.
JERRY: Oh I'm lying? Why would I do it unless I was in mortal danger? I know it's against the law.
SECURITY GUARD: I don't know.
JERRY: Because I could get Euromysitisis poisoning and die, that's why! ..Do you think I enjoy living like this? ..the shame, the humiliation.. You know, I have been issued a public urination pass by the city because of my condition.. Unfortunately, my little brother ran out of the house with it this morning.. Him and his friends are probably peeing all over the place! You want to call the Department of Social Services? Oh, it's Saturday. They're closed today. My luck.
SECURITY GUARD: You can tell the police all about it.
[Setting: Parking garage] (George, Kramer, and Elaine are all looking for Jerry and the car)
KRAMER: (Calling out) Jerry!
GEORGE: Unbelievable, I'm never gonna get out of here. The guy goes to pee, he never comes back. It's like a science fiction story.
ELAINE: Maybe he went to one of the other levels. I'll go look for him.
GEORGE: Oh, now you're gonna go?
ELAINE: I'll be back in five minutes.
GEORGE: If you go now, I know what's gonna happen. We'll find the car, Jerry will show up, and then we'll never find you!
ELAINE: No, no, I'll be back.. (Leaves)
GEORGE: Oh, what's the difference? We'll all be dead eventually.
KRAMER: Does that bother you?
GEORGE: Yeah, it bothers me. Doesn't it bother you?
KRAMER: Not at all.
GEORGE: See, now that bothers me even more than dying bothers me, cause it's people like you who live to be a hundred and twenty because you're not bothered by it. How could it not bother you?
KRAMER: I once saw this thing on T.V. with people who are terminally ill, and they all believed the secret of life is just to live every moment.
GEORGE: Yeah, yeah, I've heard that. Meanwhile, I'm here with you in a parking garage, what am I supposed to do?
[Setting: Security guard's office]
JERRY: First of all, you don't even know, technically, that I went. That's for starters. I mean, I could've been pouring a bottle of water out there. You don't know.
SECURITY GUARD: I know what you did.
JERRY: Oh really, do you? Well, it just so happens that I did pour water out. I had a bottle of very tepid water, and I poured it out. And I could see how you made a mistake, because pouring water out sounds very much like a person urinating. And you know when you think about it, it's really quite an amusing case of mistaken identity. That's all it is.
SECURITY GUARD: Yeah, I'm sure.
JERRY: You know this is not the first time this has happened to me. I always carry water because of my condition. It dehydrates me. It's a vicious cycle. (Scene ends)
[Setting: Parking garage]
(Elaine is looking for Jerry. She's talking to an older man about to get into his car)
ELAINE: And now he's gone. I'm sure he's looking for the car. Five minutes, that's all. I just want to find him.
MAN 2: I can't do it.
ELAINE: But why? Why can't you do it?
MAN 2: I can't.
ELAINE: No, see, that's not a reason: you can't. You just don't want to.
MAN 2: That's right.
ELAINE: But why? Why don't you want to?
MAN 2: I don't know.
ELAINE: But, wouldn't you get any satisfaction out of helping someone out?
MAN 2: No, I wouldn't.
[Setting: The Security guard's office]
JERRY: Alright, alright.. I want to apologize. I was frightened, I said crazy things. I obviously offended you. I insulted your intelligence. The euromysitisis, the water bottle.. I made it all up, and now.. I'm going to tell you the truth. Today my father and mother are celebrating their fiftieth, well I'm jumping ahead here, their forty-seventh wedding anniversary. We made arrangements to spend the evening together. They are supposed to be in front of my building at six-fifteen. What I haven't told you, or anyone else for that matter, is that my father's been in a Red Chinese prison for the past fourteen years.
[Setting: Parking garage]
KRAMER: The guy's got a fat fetish. Spector never dates a woman under two hundred-fifty pounds.
GEORGE: (Not interested) Really?
KRAMER: What does he do with all that fat? Does he just jump up and down on it? Does he gouge it like Killer Kowalski?
GEORGE: Who's Killer Kowalski?
KRAMER: He was a wrestler. He would grab hold of someone's stomach and just squeeze it until they gave.
GEORGE: I've gotta go to the bathroom.
KRAMER: So go.
KRAMER: (Shaking his head) You and Jerry..
(George walks out of the frame as Kramer continues to scan the garage. Scene cuts to George finishing up. He turns, around only to find the security guard)
(Scene cuts to the security guard's office)
GEORGE: Don't you believe me? It's their fiftieth anniversary. You know, this is gonna kill him. You're aware of that? Kill him! On the biggest night of his life..
SECURITY GUARD: Oh, your folks have an anniversary today, too? (George sees Jerry) Was he also in a Red Chinese prison?
GEORGE: (To Jerry, somewhat impressed) A Red Chinese prison?
[Setting: Parking garage]
(Kramer's wandering aimlessly)
KRAMER: George! George!
(Scene cuts to Elaine)
ELAINE: Jerry! (She checks her fish)
(Scene cuts to Jerry and George. They got out of the office, and they're now walking around the lots)
JERRY: Well, what happened was my father was staying in the home of one of Red China's great military leaders, General Chang, who - by the way came up with the recipe for General Chang's chicken. You know, the one with the red peppers and orange peel at Szechwan Gardens?
GEORGE: Sure, I have it all the time. Very spicy.
JERRY: Well, General Chang was a very flamboyant man. A complete failure as a general, but a helluva cook.
JERRY: (Calling out, after hearing her) Elaine?!
ELAINE: Jerry! Over here.. (She comes into view) here have you been?
JERRY: I was arrested for urinating.
GEORGE: (Proudly) Me too.
ELAINE: You what?
JERRY: I have uromysitisis. It's very serious, you know.
ELAINE: Look at my fish. (Holds the bag up. Jerry examines it) Is he..?
JERRY: No, but he's not looking good..
(Elaine turns to two body builders in workout wear)
ELAINE: (Desperate) Please, we can't find our car. Please drive us around the parking lot to find our car. My fish are dying!
MAN 3: Can't do it.
ELAINE: I can see not caring what happens to us, we're human. But what about the fish? The fish?!
MAN 4: Sorry. (They keep walking)
ELAINE: (Sarcastic) That's right, go. Go home to your dumbbells. Work on your pecs! I'm really impressed! (They look back at her) That's right you heard me! You got a problem with that?!
GEORGE: Elaine, shut-up.
JERRY: Hey, where's Kramer?
GEORGE: I don't know. (To Elaine) Where's Kramer?
ELAINE: I thought he was with you.
GEORGE: See, I knew it. I knew this was gonna happen.. (Looks at Jerry's watch, then throws his hands up) Look at the time. That's it! ELAINE: (Pointing) Have we looked over there? Have we checked that side?
GEORGE: We came in over there!
ELAINE: We didn't come in over there!
JERRY: Where's Kramer? (Sees the attractive woman they saw earlier)
JERRY: Hey George, there she is again..
GEORGE: So what do you want me to do?
JERRY: Ask her to drive us around. There's your opening.
GEORGE: (Sarcastic) That is an opening. (Approaches her) Excuse me.. I really.. What's happened is that my friend forgot where he parked and if you're not in a big hurry, we'd really appreciate it if..
WOMAN: Oh sure, I'll drive you around.
GEORGE: You will?
GEORGE: (Waves for Jerry and Elaine) Thanks a lot. I'm really late. My parents are waiting in front of my building, and we're stuck here.
WOMAN: I wouldn't want to get lost in here. It smells like a toilet. People are such animals.
GEORGE: Yeah, right.
JERRY: Filthy pigs.
(They all get into the car)
GEORGE: It's a blue Honda..
WOMAN: This has happened to me too. It's very frustrating.
ELAINE: Hi, I'm Elaine.
JERRY: (Introducing himself) Jerry.
ELAINE: It's very nice of you to do this. I've asked several people, and they wouldn't even answer me.
WOMAN: I'm happy to do it. (To George) I'm Amy.
GEORGE: Hi Amy, I'm George.
(Scene cuts to a few minutes later. Amy's car stops abruptly, then George, Elaine, and Jerry get out)
GEORGE: (Talking into the passenger window) I didn't mean anything by it. I don't even know L. Ron Hubbard! I didn't know you were.. (She pulls out quickly, burning rubber) ..with that group.
ELAINE: (Shouting out to Amy) What about my fish?!
JERRY: Boy, those Scientologists.. they can be pretty sensitive.
ELAINE: I'll say. (They turn to a gaping George) What is it? (They see what hes staring at) the car!
JERRY: The car!
GEORGE: The car!
ELAINE: We found it! I can't believe it!
(They walk to it, suddenly, George stops)
GEORGE: Kramer, Kramer's not here.. I knew it. I knew it! I knew this would happen. (SCREAMING) Kramer! Kramer!
(They all slump against the car. Elaine holds up her fish)
(Scene cuts to one hour later. Jerry, George, and Elaine all look exactly the same, only without the fish. In the distance, Kramer's struggling with the air conditioner. Jerry taps Elaine with his elbow, Elaine taps George)
JERRY: Yeah, over here.
KRAMER: Boy, I had a hell of a time finding that air conditioner. I looked everywhere! I completely forgot where I hid it. You know where it was?
GEORGE: Pink eleven.
KRAMER: Right! Pink eleven. I could've used you.
GEORGE: Sometimes it's good to have a pencil to write these things down.
(They get into the car)
KRAMER: What time is it?
GEORGE: Seven forty-five.
KRAMER: Well, at least there's no traffic.
KRAMER: What time does that play start? GEORGE: Eight o'clock.
KRAMER: That might be a problem. (To Elaine) Where's your little bag of.. (Jerry gestures for Kramer to stop before Elaine really loses it) Oh.. (Takes out a parking stub) Boy this garage is going to cost a fortune. You know how long we were here?
(They're all quiet. He tries to start up the car, but it stalls. They're stuck there - the car won't start)
END OF SHOW.