Written by: Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld
Directed by: Tom Cherones
Broadcasted: February 13, 1991 for the first time.
Stars: Jerry Seinfeld, Michael Richards,
Jason Alexander, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, and Tory Polone (as Carol).
[Setting: Night club]
JERRY: The bad thing about television is that everybody you see on television is doing something better than what you're doing. You never see anybody on TV, like, just sliding off the front of the sofa with potato chip crumbs on their face. Some people have a little too much fun on television. The soda commercial people - where do they summon this enthusiasm? Have you seen them? "We have soda! We have soda! We have soda!" Jumping, laughing, flying through the air. It's a can of soda. Have you ever been standing there, you're watching TV and you're drinking the exact product that they're advertising right there on TV? And it's like, you know, they're spiking volleyballs, jet skiing, girl is bikinis.. And I'm standing there, "Maybe I'm putting too much ice in mine."
[Setting: Coffee shop]
GEORGE: So then, as we were leaving we're just kind of standing there. And she was sort of smiling at me, and I wasn't sure if she wanted me to ask her out. Because, when women smile at me, I don't know what it means. Sometimes I interpret it as, like, they're psychoitc or something. And I don't know if I'm supposed to smile back. I don't know what to do, so I just stood there like, remember how Quayle looked when Bentsen gave him that Kennedy line? That's what I looked like.
JERRY: So you didn't ask?
GEORGE: No, I froze.
GEORGE: So wait, wait. Half hour later, I'm back in my office and I tell Lloyd the whole story and he says, "So why don't you call her?" I said, "I can't." ..I couldn't. I couldn't do it right then. For me, to ask a woman out - I've got to get into a mental state, like the karate guys before they break the bricks. So then, Lloyd calls me a wuss.
JERRY: He said 'wuss'?
GEORGE: Yeah. Anyway, he shamed me into it.
JERRY: So you called?
GEORGE: Right. And to cover my nervousness, I started eating an apple. Because, I think if they hear you chewing on the other end of the phone, it makes you sound casual.
JERRY: Yeah, like a farm boy.
GEORGE: So, I call her up. I tell her it's me. She gives me an enthusiastic "Hi."
JERRY: Oh, an enthusiastic "Hi.". That's beautiful.
GEORGE: Oh, if I don't get the enthusiastic "Hi." I'm out of there.
JERRY: Alright, so you're chewing your apple, you got your enthusiastic "Hi" Go ahead.
GEORGE: So we start talking, and I don't like to go too long before I ask them out. I want to get it over with right away so I just blurt out, "What are you doing Saturday night?"
GEORGE: She bought.
JERRY: Great day in the morning.
GEORGE: Then, I got off the phoen right away.
JERRY: Sure, it's like robbing a bank. You don't loiter around in front of the teller holding that big bag of money. You make your hit, and you get out.
GEORGE: It's amazing. We both have dates the same night. I can't remember the last time that happened.
[Setting: George's car]
GEORGE: I can't stand doing laundry. That's why I have forty pairs of underwear.
CAROL: (Unbelieving) You do not.
GEORGE: Absolutely. Because, instead of doing a wash, I just keep buying underwear. My goal is to get to over three hundred and sixty pair - that way, I only have to do wash once a year.
(Scene cuts to Jerry's car)
JERRY: (In an accent) Come on try it. Let me hear you try a Scottish accent.
DONNA: That's Irish.
JERRY: Irish, Scottish, what's the difference, Lassie?
(Scene cuts back to George's car)
CAROL: So, thanks a lot for dinner. It was great.
GEORGE: Yeah. We should do this again.
CAROL: Would you like to come upstairs for some coffee?
GEORGE: Oh, no. I can't drink coffee late at night. I keeps me up.
CAROL: (Disappointed) Oh. So.. okay.
GEORGE: Okay. (Hesitates, and doesn't kiss her)
CAROL: Good night.
GEORGE: Yeah, take it easy.
(Scene cuts back to Jerry's car)
DONNA: Thanks again for the movie.
JERRY: You're welcome.
DONNA: I'd invite you up, but the place is being painted.
JERRY: Oh, that's okay.
DONNA: Unles.. you want to go to your place?
JERRY: Okay, but there's no cake or anything - if that's what you're looking for.
(Scene cuts back to George's car)
(George is driving while shaking his head. He's disgusted with himself)
GEORGE: Take it easy. Take it easy.. (Bangs his head on the steering wheel)
[Setting: Jerry's apartment]
JERRY: I think if one's going to kill oneself, the least you could do is leave a note. It's common courtesy. I don't know.. that's just the way I was brought up.
DONNA: Values are important.
JERRY: Oh, so important.. So, what are you doing Thursday night? You want to have dinner?
DONNA: Thursday's great.
JERRY: (Looking at his pants) Tan pants. Why do I buy tan pants, Donna? I don't feel comfortable in them.
DONNA: Are those cotton Dockers?
JERRY: I can't begin to tell you how much I hate that commercial.
DONNA: Really? I like that commercial.
JERRY: (Shocked) You like that commercial?
DONNA: Yeah, it's clever.
JERRY: Now, wait a second. You mean the one where those guys are all standing around, supposedly being very casual and witty?
DONNA: Yeah, that's the one.
JERRY: What could you possibly like about that?
DONNA: I don't know. I like the guys.
JERRY: (Sarcastic) Yeah, they're so funny and so comfortable with each other. And I could be comfortable too, if I had pants like that. I could sit on a porch and wrestle around and maybe even be part of a real bull session.
DONNA: (Slightly offended) I know guys like that. To me, the dialogue rings true.
JERRY: Even if the dialogue did ring true.. Even if somehow, somewhere, men actually talked like that, what does that have anything to do with the pants?! Doesn't that bother you?
DONNA: That's the idea! That is what is clever about it - that they're not talking about the pants!
JERRY: But they're talking about nothing!
DONNA: That's the point!
JERRY: I know the point!
DONNA: No one's telling you to like it!
(A long pause, Donna's ready to move on to another topic. Jerry can't let it go)
JERRY: I mean, all those quick shots of the pants. Just pants, pants, pants, pants, pants, pants. What is that suppose to be?
[Setting: Night club]
JERRY: What's brutal about the date is the scrutiny that you put each other through. Because, whenever you think about this person in terms of the future, you have to magnify everything about them. Like, the guy will be like, "I don't think her eyebrows are uneven.. Could I look at uneven eyebrows for the rest of my life?" And, of course, the woman's looking at the guy thinking, "What is he looking at? Do I want someone looking at me like this for the rest of my life?"
[Setting: Jerry's apartment]
JERRY: I'm supposed to see her again on Thursday, but can I go out with somebody who actually likes this commercial?
ELAINE: I once broke up with a guy because he didn't keep his bathroom clean enough.
JERRY: No kidding? Did you tell him that was the reason?
ELAINE: Oh yeah, I told him all the time. You would not have believed his tub. Germs were building a town in there! They were constructing offices. Houses near the drain were going for one-hundred-and-fifty thousand dollars.
(Enter George. He looks preoccupied with something)
JERRY: You're still thinking about this?
GEORGE: (To Elaine) She invites me up at twelve o' clock at night for coffee, and I don't go up. "No thank you, I don't want coffee. It keeps me up - it's too late for me to drink coffee." I said this to her. People this stupid shouldn't be allowed to live. I can't imagine what she must think of me.
JERRY: She thinks you're a guy that doesn't like coffee.
GEORGE: She invited me up! Coffee's not coffee! Coffee is sex.
ELAINE: Maybe coffee was coffee.
GEORGE: Coffee's coffee in the morning. It's not coffee at twelve o' clock at night.
ELAINE: Some people drink coffee that late.
GEORGE: Yeah, people who work at NORAD who are on twenty-four-hour missile watch! ..And everything was going along so great. She was laughing, I was funny. I kept saying to myself, "Keep it up. Don't blow it. You're doing great."
ELAINE: It's all in your head. All she knows is she had a good time. I think you should call her.
GEORGE: I can't call her now. It's too soon. I'm planning a Wednesday call.
ELAINE: Why? I love it when guys call me the next day.
GEORGE: Of course, but you're imagining a guy you like, not a guy who goes "Uhh.. I don't drink coffee late at night.." If I call her now, she's gonna thing I'm too needy. Women don't want to see need. They want to see a take-charge guy. A colonel. A kaiser. A czar.
ELAINE: And what she'll think is that you like her.
GEORGE: That's exactly what I'm trying to avoid!
ELAINE: She wants you to like her!
GEORGE: Yes, she wants me to liek her.. If she likes me! But she doesn't like me.
ELAINE: (Reflects on George, then..) I don't know what your parents did to you.
(Kramer bursts into Jerry's apartment)
KRAMER: (Enthused) Hey, I just thought of a really funny thing for your act! Alright, you're up, and you're on stage, and you go, "Hey, did you ever notice how cars here in New York, they never get out of the way of ambulances anymore? Someone's in a life and death situation, and we're thinking, 'Well, sorry buddy, you should've thought of that when you were eating cheese omelettes and sausages for breakfast every morning for the last thirty years.'" (Elaine starts laughing hard) So, you gonna use it?
JERRY: I don't think so.
KRAMER: What? It's funny.
ELAINE: It's funny.
JERRY: I like to do my own material.
KRAMER: That's as good as anything you do.
GEORGE: Alright, I gotta make a call. Everybody out. C'mon.
JERRY: Why do we have to leave?
GEORGE: Because I can't call a woman with other people in the room.
ELAINE: Oh, see. This is the problem.
JERRY: You're kicking me out of my house?
ELAINE: (Leaving) Don't forget. (Makes a "be strong" gesture with two fists)
GEORGE: Oh, Jerry, do you have any apples?
JERRY: Don't do the apples. It's enough already with the apples.
(All but George leave. George dials up Carol's phone number)
CAROL: (It's her answering machine) Hi, it's Carol. I'll get back to you.
GEORGE: (To her machine) Umm.. Hi. It's George, George Costanza. Remember me? The guy that didn't come up for coffee. You see, I didn't realize that coffee didn't really mean.. Well, whatever. Anyway, it was fun. It was fun.. So, so, you call me back.. if you want. It's up to you. You know, whatever you want to do. Either way, the ball's in your court. So, uh, take it easy. (Hangs up, mortified)
(Jerry pokes his head in)
JERRY: I'm just going to get my jacket. I'll meet you downstairs. (Sees George's expression) What's the matter? Did you call?
GEORGE: I got her machine. I'm dead. I'm a dead man. That's it. I'm dead. I'm a dead man. Dead man.
JERRY: What did you say?
(Elaine pokes her head in)
GOERGE: I don't know what the hell I said. I gave her an ultimatum.. and there's nothing I can do. It's a machine! The little light is blinking right now. "Come and listen to the idiot! Hey, everybody! The idiots on!"
JERRY: After one date, you try and improvise on the machine?
GEORGE: Now, I'm in the worst position of all.
ELAINE: You know, my brother-in-law once left a message on this guy's machine, and he blurted out some business information he wasn't supposed to, and it would've cost him fifteen-thousand dollars - so he waited outside the guy's house, and when the guy came home, he went upstairs with him, and switched the tape.
GEORGE: He did that?
GEORGE: Somebody did that?
JERRY: She'll call back. You're overreacting.
GEORGE: I left a ball in her court..
[Setting: Jerry's apartment]
JERRY: Not once.
JERRY: I have never seen one episode of "I Love Lucy" in my life. Ever.
DONNA: That's amazing.
JERRY: Thank you.
DONNA: Is there anything else about you I should know?
JERRY: (Joking) Yes, I'm lactose intolerant.
JERRY: I have no patience for lactose.. and I won't stand for it. I'll be right back.
(Jerry goes to the bathroom. While he's in there, George enters his apartment)
GEORGE: Wait till you hear this! (Notices that a woman is there - Jerry's not) Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't.. I had no idea. (Starts to leave)
DONNA: Wait, wait. He's in the bathroom.
GEORGE: Oh.. well, I just wanted to talk to him for a minute. But, I'll come back.
DONNA: You don't have to leave.
GEORGE: You sure?
DONNA: Yes.. I'm Donna.
GEORGE: Donna. Oh, you're the one who likes the commercial.
DONNA: (Offended) He told you that?
GEORGE: (Realizing he just started something, he tries to squirm out of it) ..No, he didn't actually tell me that. We were talking about that commercial.. In fact, I think I brought it up, because, I like the commercial.. No, he would never actually tell me anything like that. He never discusses anything.. he's like a clam. You're not gonna mention this to him..
(Jerry emerges fromt he bathroom)
DONNA: (Angered) So you go around telling your friends I'm not hip, because I like that commmercial?
JERRY: (To George) What? What did you say?
GEORGE: Say? What? Nothing. I didn't..
DONNA: (To Jerry) You told him how I like the commercial.
JERRY: Well, so, what if I said that?
DONNA: So you didn't have to tell your friends.
JERRY: No, I had to tell my friends. (Lookings sternly at George) My friends don't have to tell you.
GEORGE: (To Donna) Why'd you have to get me in trouble?
DONNA: (To Jerry) I don't like you talking about me with your friends behind my back.
GEORGE: Boy, oh boy..
JERRY: I said I couldn't believe you like that commercial, so what?
DONNA: I asked some friends of mine this wee, and al of them liked the commercial.
JERRY: (Sarcastic) Boy, I'll bet you got a regular Algonquin Round Table there. (Meaning her friends must be idiots) (Enter Kramer)
JERRY: Kramer, this is Donna.
KRAMER: Oh.. (Snaps, remembering) cotton Dockers.
GEORGE: "Hello." (To Kramer) Alright, we should be going. Come on.
KRAMER: What? What's going on?
DONNA: Don't bother. Don't bother. I'm leaving.
(Jerry follows her to the door)
JERRY: Donna, really, you're making too much of this.
KRAMER: (Like a commercial spokesman) One-hundred percent cotton Dockers. If they're not Dockers, they're just pants.
JERRY: Kramer, pleas... Donna.
DONNA: I don't want to hear it! (Leaves)
GEORGE: I can't believe I said that. You know me.. I'm a vault!
JERRY: Don't worry about it. It wasn't working anyway.
KRAMER: What happened there?
JERRY: I'll tell you later.
GEORGE: You are not gonna believe what's going on with this woman.
[Setting: Coffee shop]
GEORGE: Okay, so, you remember I made the initial call on Sunday? She doesn't call back. I call again Monday. I leave another message. I call Tuesday. I get the machine again, "I know you're there, I don't know what your story is." Yesterday, I'm a volcano. I try one more call, the machine comes on, and I let fly like Mussolini from the balcony. "Where the hell do you get the nerve? You invite me up for coffee and then you don't call me back for four days?! I don't like coffee! I don't have to come up! I'd like to get one more shot at the coffee just so I cans spit in your face!"
JERRY: You said that?
GEORGE: (Nods) I lost it.
JERRY: I can't blame you. I can't believe she never called you back.
GEORGE: She did. Today.
GEORGE: She called my office. She said she's been in the Hampton's since Sunday. She didn't know if I was trying to get in touch with her. Her machine broke, and she's using her old machine, and doesn't have the beeper for it.
JERRY: So she didn't get the messages?
GEORGE: Exactly. But they're on there.. waiting.. She said she can't wait to see me. We're having dinner tonight. She's suppose to call me as soon as she gets home.
JERRY: But, what about the messages? (George holds up a cassette) Elaine's thing? How are you going to get in?
GEORGE: I'll meet her outside the building.
JERRY: But you know as soon as she gets in the apartment she's going right for that machine.
GEORGE: (Bravely) Unless she goes for the bathroom. That's my only chance.. (Suddenly cowarding) Who am I kidding? I can't do this. I can't do this. I don't even know how to work those stupid machines.
JERRY: There's nothing to it. You just lift the lid, it comes right out.
GEORGE: You do it for me.
GEORGE: Come on, it'll be much easier.
JERRY: How are you going to get me up there?
GEORGE: I'll tell her I bumped into you, and I'm giving you a ride uptown.
JERRY: And who makes the switch?
GEORGE: You do.
JERRY: I do?
GEORGE: I can't do it. I'll keep her busy.
JERRY: I can't get involved in this.
GEORGE: I think I may be in love with this woman.
JERRY: What if she sees me?
GEORGE: Oh, you are such a wuss.
JERRY: ...A wuss? Did you just call me a wuss?
[Setting: Outside Carol's building]
GEORGE: (Looks at his watch) Well, there is traffic. It might take her till eight-fifteen.
JERRY: I got one problem: You're going to keep her busy in the other room. Now, what if she somehow gets away from you, and is coming in? You have to signal me that she's coming.
GEORGE: A signal? Okay, okay. The signal is.. I'll call out.. "tippy toe".
JERRY: "Tippy toe"? ..I don't think so.
GEORGE: You don't like "tippy toe"?
JERRY: .. No "tippy toe".
GEORGE: Alright. Okay, I got it.. I'll sing.
JERRY: What song?
GEORGE: Umm.. (Not singing) "How do you solve a problem like Maria?"
JERRY: What is that?
GEORGE: Oh, it's a lovely song. (Singing) "How do you solve a problem like Maria?.."
JERRY: (Unimpressed) You got anything else?
GEORGE: You pick it.
JERRY: "Lemon Tree."
GEORGE: Peter, Paul and Mary?
JERRY: No, Trini Lopez.
JERRY AND GEORGE: (Singing) "Lemon tree very pretty and the lemon flower is sweet.."
GEORGE: You go the tapes?
JERRY: (Holds up two tapes) Standard, micro.
GEORGE: How do you feel.. confident?
JERRY: I feel good.
GEORGE: You nervous?
JERRY: Not at all.
GEORGE: Get up, get up! That's her! Oh, the hell with this! I'm scared to death! Just walk away! It's off. Cancel everything!
CAROL: (Approaches. She gets surprised when she sees George) Hi. What are you doing here? I though I was suppose to call you when I got home?
GEORGE: I couldn't wait. I was too anxious to see you.
CAROL: Oh, that's sweet.
GEORGE: Oh, this is my friend, Jerry Seinfeld. I just bumped into him right around the corner. Isn't that a coincidence? Funny thing is - I see him all the time.
JERRY: All the time.
CAROL: It's nice to meet you.
CAROL: (To George) So, I'm starving. Where are we gonna eat?
GEORGE: You know, we could go uptown, and that way we could give Jerry a ride.
CAROL: Okay, let's go. I'm ready. Where'd you park?
GEORGE: ..Don't you want to go upstairs first?
CAROL: No, for what? ..I'll just give the bag to the doorman.
(George looks at Jerry - a message for him to do something)
JERRY: You know, I really need to use the bathroom.
CAROL: OH, well, there's a bathroom in the coffee shop just next door.
GEORGE: Yes, yes, but.. I have to make a call, so..
CAROL: Well, they have a phone.
GEORGE: (Privately, to Carol) I know Jerry.. He has this phobia about public toilets. I think we really should go upstairs..
CAROL: (Sympathetic tward Jerry) You know, I think I will go upstairs. I can check my machine.
(Scene cuts to Carol's apartment)
CAROL: The bathroom's down the hall, and to the right.
(George shakes his head at George)
JERRY: You know, why don't you go first? You just had a long trip.
CAROL: No. I'm fine.
JERRY: (Hesitates) You know, it's the damnedest thing.. it went away.
CAROL: Well, that's weird.
GEORGE: No, no. That can happen. I've read about that in medical journals. It's a freak thing.
CAROL: Well, then, let me just check my messages, and we'll go.
GEORGE: (Stopping her) Carol, could I talk to you for a second? (She keeps going for the machine. He talks louder, insisting) Right now. Please. This is very important. (Leads her into the bedroom. Jerry rushes over to the machine, and lifts up the lid) GEORGE: (Loud - so Jerry can hear) Tippy toe, tippy toe! Uh, Lemon tree!
(Jerry slams the lid shut, and moves away. Carol enters the living room, George is following her)
CAROL: (Pointing at Jerry) Now I know who you are! You're a comedian. I've seen you. It's been driving me crazy!
JERRY: Right. I am.
GEORGE: Carol, that's so rude. Please, I"m serious, just for a moment - if you wouldn't mind.. and then we'll talk to Jerry.. (They go back to the bedroom. Jerry goes back to the machine, and switches the tapes)
JERRY: Hey, you two. I'm ready to go.
(George bursts out of the room, Carol follows him)
CAROL: That's what you had to tell me? Your father wears sneakers in the pool?
GEORGE: Don't you find that strange?
CAROL: Well, I'll just check my machine and we'll go. (Looks at the tape) Nope, nothing here. Let's go. (They walk to the door) Oh, I forgot to tell you. After I talked to you today, my neighbor called me and played all my messages for me over the phone.
GEORGE: (Shocked) Oh, I..
CAROL: Yours were hilarious! We were both cracking up. I just love jokes like that.
(Carol leaves, George turns to Jerry with a look)
[Setting: Night club]
JERRY: I love my phone machine. I wish I was a phone machine. I wish if I saw somebody on the street I didn't want to talk to, I could go, "Excuse me, I'm not in right now. If you could just leave a message, I could walk away." I also have a cordless phone, but I don't like that as much. Because, you can't slam down a cordless phone. You get mad at somebody on a real phone, "You can talk to me like that, 'BANG'" You know, cordless phone - "You can't talk to me like that...(imitates the turning off of a cordless) I told her."
END OF SHOW.