PART TWO

[Median Monologue]

I-I-I'm not crazy about used clothes. I mean they call it vintage, you know to take your mind off of what it really is 'nasty wear.' Oh it's clean you know people wear underwear, ya well they don't wear iron underwear and that's what it's gonna take to get me in those clothes. I mean I'll move into an apartment after a strange person moves out, why would I wanna move into somebody's pants? There is no vintage underwear of course, but it's not because the guy couldn't sell his underwear, it's because men wear their underwear until it absolutely disintegrates. Men hang on to underwear until, until each individual underwear molecule is so strained it can barely retain the properties of a solid. It actually becomes underwear vapor. W-we don't even throw it out, we just open a window and it goes out like dandelion spoors. That's how men throw out underwear we just go (blows on the mic) and it's gone that it is jus.

[Movie Theater: Schindler's List]

(Schindler's List is playing as Jerry and Rachel are making out. Newman is then seen disgusted by this display)

[Jerry's Apartment]

(Jerry Enters; Morty and Helen are sitting at the table with a map out)

JERRY: Hey.

MORTY: Hey, Jerry.

HELEN: So how was the movie?

JERRY: Oh, really good, really good.

HELEN: And didn't the three hours go by just like that (snaps her fingers)

JERRY: Like that (snaps his fingers)

MORTY: What about the end, with the list?

JERRY: Ya that was some list.

HELEN: What did you think about the black and white?

JERRY: (confused) The black and white.

MORTY: The whole movie was in black and white.

JERRY: Oh yea, I didn't even realize.

MORTY: You don't even think about it, there's so much going on.

JERRY: Ya ya, I tell ya I could see it again.

[Rudy's Antique Boutique]

KRAMER: So Klompus has the key, but the jerk couldn't open it up. All you gotta do it jiggle it (has is hand out jiggling) jus get it in there (jiggling making a bunch of noises) jigg jigg jiggle reiggle

RUDY: Look, I find this whole thing very uninteresting. When you get the coats come in.

KRAMER; Ya hey I'm on your side.

(George enters)

KRAMER: Hey what again?

GEORGE: I'm trying to buy some of the clothes back. (realizing something) Hey you wanna come over for dinner tonight? My mother made all this extra Payaya.

KRAMER: Payaya, ya I'll be there.

GEORGE: Aparently the Seinfelds' are too good for us. I shouldn't say anything bad about your uh your partner.

KRAMER: No no you know we're not partners. I only get twenty-five percent.

GEORGE: Twenty-five percent? It was your idea.

KRAMER: Yap I know.

GEORGE: You're doing all the leg work.

KRAMER: That's right

GEORGE: He's ripping you off

KRAMER: You're right he's ripping me off

GEORGE: If anybody should be getting more it's you.

KRAMER: He's ripping me off

GEORGE: Well don't let him take advantage of you like that.

KRAMER: YAH! (exits)

RUDY: (coming out of the back-room noticing George) Oh it's you? You're the one who sold me the moth ridden cabana crap.

[Jerry's Apartment]

(Morty coming out of the bathroom)

MORTY: You know I've been thinking, why is Kramer getting twenty-five percent?

HELEN: Well he told you about the place.

MORTY: So what, why is that worth twenty-five percent? It's a finders fee. You know what a finders fee is?

HELEN: You find something you get a fee.

MORTY: Finder's fee is ten percent and no more.

HELEN: Well it's too late now.

MORTY: Those are my coats. I saved them, I stored them, I've been waiting years for this pay off.

HELEN: Well you're not gonna say anything.

(Kramer enters)

KRAMER: I've been thinking about something.

MORTY: Ya so have I

KRAMER: Ahh! I don't think the deal is fair.

MORTY: You don't think it's fair.

KRAMER: No no, I found the place, I set the whole thing up, I'm doing all the leg work.

MORTY: What leg work?

KRAMER: Oh, there's leg work.

MORTY: If anything you're getting too much.

KRAMER: Too much?!

MORTY: That's right, they're my coats.

KRAMER: Look I want thirty-five percent.

MORTY: I'm thinking more like fifteen.

KRAMER: No way I'm taking fifteen.

MORTY: Well you're not getting thirty-five.

KRAMER: Alright let's compromise. Twenty-five percent.

MORTY: Ok it's a deal

(They shack hands.)

[Rudy's Antique Boutique]

RUDY: Moths are a discourage to my business, all it takes is one moth to lay eggs. You know what happens to the larvae? They hatch and they're everywhere.

GEORGE: I'm sorry, umm he-here's your money back (gives Rudy the money back) I-I-I'll have the clothes.

RUDY: (counting the money to make sure it's all there) It's already put a dent in my fumigation bill.

GEORGE: So uh where are the clothes?

RUDY: I burned 'em.

GEORGE: Oh. That's good.

[Monk's]

(Jerry and Elaine sitting in the booth)

ELAINE: N-I know they're your parents Jerry an' they're very nice people. But don't you think it's odd, that a thirty-five year old man is going to these lengths to see that someone else's parents are enjoying themselves? I mean don't you find that abnormal?

JERRY: It is a tad askew.

ELAINE: I mean they're your parents and you don't do anything. So why is this stranger doing it?

JERRY: I've hardly been out to dinner with them.

ELAINE: See, See, I can't even say anything you know because all he's really doing is being nice but but nobody is this nice, this is like certifiably nice.

JERRY: You're right he's insane.

ELAINE: Yes, he's insane, that's what I think.

JERRY: So what are you going to do?

ELAINE: I don't know, I don't know what to do. (sighs) Oh god.... so how was the movie?

JERRY: Uh from what I saw it was pretty good.

ELAINE: Ya what do you mean from what you saw?

JERRY: Well I um I didn't ah actually get to see the whole movie.

ELAINE: Yea why not?

JERRY: I was kind of um (pauses) making out.

ELAINE: (thinks for a second) You were making, out during Schindler's List?

JERRY: I couldn't help it. We hadn't been alone in a long time, it just got the better of me.

ELAINE: During Schindler's List?

JERRY: (trying to justify it) We're both living with our parents.

ELAINE: Did anybody see you? Did anyone say anything?

JERRY: No I don't think so. I saw Newman as I was leaving but see me.

ELAINE: Oh.

[Jerry's Apartment]

(A knock at the door prior to the reveal of Jerry's apartment; Morty is sitting at the table Helen closes the refrigerator to answer the door; Newman is revealed in his full Newman)

NEWMAN: Hello Mrs. Seinfeld

HELEN: (like Jerry) Hello, Newman. Jerry's not here. (goes to shut the door on him)

NEWMAN: Uh ah (stops her from closing the door; walks in) Having a nice trip? (walks over, grabs a junior mint, smells it then puts it in his pocket)

HELEN: Wonderful, we went to the theater last night.

NEWMAN: Oh the theater. Because I was wondering.

HELEN: Wondering what?

NEWMAN: Why I didn't see you at Schindler's List with Jerry.

HELEN: Well we already saw it.

NEWMAN: Oh, well it's a good thing for Jerry that you didn't go.

MORTY: (getting up from the table and coming over) Why is that?

NEWMAN: Well he really seemed to have his hands full if you know what I mean.

HELEN: I'm afraid I don't.

NEWMAN: Him and his little buxom friend Rachel were going at it pretty good in the balcony.

MORTY: What?

NEWMAN: What, do I have to spell it out for ya? He was moving on her like the storm-troopers into Poland.

HELEN: Jerry was necking during Schindler's List?

NEWMAN: Yes! A more offensive spectacle I cannot recall. Anyway I just really came up to get some detergent.

HELEN: Jerry sends his laundry out.

NEWMAN: (laughing) Oh ho right. Well very nice seeing you folks and a by the way you didn't hear this from me. Tata (runs down the hallway laughing)

(Helen closes the door and looks at Morty in disgust)

[Jerry's Apartment-Later that day]

(Jerry enters; Morty is sitting on the couch writing, Helen is in the bathroom)

JERRY: Hi (takes off his coat and puts it on the counter at which point his parents are both right by him as he goes into the refrigerator. He grabs a drink then turns around to see his parents right there) What? What did I do?

HELEN: How could you?

JERRY: How could I what?

HELEN: You were making out during Schindler's List?

JERRY: What? No.

MORTY: Don't lie Jerry.

JERRY: (turns) Newman.

HELEN: How could you do such a thing?

JERRY: I couldn't help it. We hadn't been alone together in a long time and we just kinda started up a little during the coming attractions and the next thing we knew, the war was over.

(Morty and Helen both sigh and turn to go back to what they were doing; Phone rings)

JERRY: (answering the phone) Hello.

(Jack in Florida with a bandage on his right hand)

JACK: Hello Jerry, it's Jack Klompus.

JERRY: Hang on a second. (handing Morty the phone) Dad it's Klompus.

MORTY: Hello

JACK: Hello Morty, listen that key doesn't work. It's no good.

MORTY: You didn't get in?

JACK: Oh I got in, I had to break the window with a rock and then I got my hand all cut up reaching in.

MORTY: You broke the window?

HELEN: He broke the window?

JACK: You wanted those damn boxes didn't you?

DORIS: (off camera) He should be on his hands and knees thanking you.

MORTY: Did you send them?

JACK: Yea, they'll be there tomorrow afternoon, two o'clock.

MORTY: Tomorrow afternoon?

HELEN: Tomorrow afternoon?

JERRY: Tomorrow afternoon?

MORTY: I told you to send them express.

JACK: W-well it was ten dollars cheaper in the afternoon than the morning, I figured what the hell's the difference.

MORTY: So what did you do about the window?

JACK: I gotta fix your window now?

MORTY: Alright alright, good bye. (Morty hangs up the phone, Jack hangs up the phone) I don't think we are gonna make that flight.

JERRY: W-what do you mean you're not making the flight?

HELEN: We have to make the flight, we're with a charter group. If we don't the trip is off.

MORTY: Well what's the difference we'll go some place else.

(Jerry annoyed walks toward his room)

HELEN: Some place else? What about Paris?

MORTY: You don't understand, I've come this far, I can't stop now.

HELEN: I can't believe that you're doing all this just to sell some stupid raincoats.

MORTY: You don't understand fashion is cyclical this thing could come back.

HELEN: I think you're out of your mind.

[Costanza House]

FRANK: I just don't understand how all those clothes can disappear.

GEORGE: Moths?

FRANK: Moths, ate three boxes?

GEORGE: Well you know what happens with larvae hatch, they-they're everywhere.

ESTELLE: You know, I was thinking today. I never liked those Seinfelds anyway, he's an idiot all together. (Knocking at the door) Ah there's Kramer.

(Estelle goes to answer the door)

KRAMER: (from outside) Hello?

ESTELLE: Hello

KRAMER: (still outside) Helowwwowwow (Estelle opens the door) Hey (kisses Estelle hello) Ha ha, Good evening (George waves)

ESTELLE: Hope you're hungry. (goes into the kitchen)

KRAMER: Ooo Payaya

GEORGE: Hey uh let me take you're coat.

KRAMER: (giving George his coat) Oh ya thanks buddy.

FRANK: That shirt, where'd you get that shirt?

KRAMER: Wha?

FRANK: That's my cabana shirt, you stole my shirt you son of a bitch! (really fast) George you let your friends go up in my attic and steal my clothes? (grabbing at the shirt) Gimme that back

KRAMER: (trying to get away) woah

GEORGE: Dad?!

KRAMER: (laughs as Frank ends up tickling him; gets away) I bought it from Rudy.

GEORGE: Rudy?! That skunk, I knew he didn't burn those clothes.

FRANK: Who's Rudy? What clothes?

GEORGE: I sold your clothes yesterday.

FRANK: You sold my clothes (smacks George on the forehead) what do you mean you sold my clothes?

GEORGE: I didn't think you wore them anymore.

FRANK: It's cruise wear!

ESTELLE: Kramer, I love that shirt.

KRAMER: Yaya

FRANK: THAT'S BECAUSE IT'S MINE!!

ESTELLE: You look just like Frank, on our honeymoon.

KRAMER: Oh, well, thank you.

(Estelle giggles)

FRANK: Who's this Rudy?

KRAMER: Well Rudy's the guy buying Morty's raincoats.

FRANK: Mory Seinfeld? He's a bum.

KRAMER: Well, the whole deal going down tomorrow. Morty's gonna miss his plane for it.

GEORGE: Missing his plane? Wasn't that a charter flight?

KRAMER: Yea.

GEORGE: What happens to charter tickets when you don't use em?

KRAMER: Well I suppose they are wasted.

GEORGE: Yes I suppose they are.

FRANK: Tomorrow I'm going straight down to this Rudy and get my clothes.

KRAMER: A mouse!

(Frank starts making noises; Kramer and Frank both run to the other room where they get stuff in between the door and wall; Frank hits Kramer to get him in then closes the door)

[Monk's]

(Jerry and George enter)

JERRY: You want the tickets?

GEORGE: Yes.

JERRY: You're gonna take this kid to Paris?

GEORGE: Hey I get a free trip to Paris, I go in the Big Brother's Hall-of-Fame, I mail my own postcards.

JERRY: You know I'm paying for these tickets.

GEORGE: It's alright, I got lunch.

[Airport]

(Kramer, Morty and Jerry standing at a luggage carousel)

KRAMER: Oh, you should have gone to the Costanzas' for dinner. Mmm the Payaya was magnificent. Have you ever had really good Payaya?

MORTY: Not really.

KRAMER: Oh it's a orgiastic feast for the senses. The want and the festival, the sites, sounds, and colors an mmmummumm mumm

JERRY: Hey Dad are you sure we are at the right carousel?

MORTY: This is it.

KRAMER: So how much are we gonna make?

MORTY: Take it easy, I've been through a million of these negotiations.

KRAMER: Wha two thousand? Three thousand?

MORTY: That's giving it away. This is a one of a kind item.

KRAMER: More? More than three thousand?

MORTY: Just watch me do my thing.

JERRY: Say Dad, (pointing at a raincoat sitting on the carousel next to an open box) isn't that one of yours?

MORTY: Look at this. Look at how this idiot packed it. He didn't tape it, he just flipped the flaps. (Kramer, Morty and Jerry are looking around grabbing raincoats which are scattered all over the place.) Kramer you missed a couple.

WOMAN: Bon-jour, welcome to the Gateway to Paris Charter Flight.

JERRY: (turns around noticing the Chater flight) Dad isn't that your charter group?

(George and Joey enter the scene getting in line for the Charter Flight)

GEORGE: Honesty, hard-work, these are the values that I was raised on. The most important thing Joey, is to be able to look yourself in the mirror before you goto sleep at night.

JOEY: Hey! I got news for you four eyes, there's no way you're staying with us in Paris.

(Joey walks by George to board the plane and puts his Gum on the wall.)

[Rudy's Antique Boutique]

FRANK: You burned them? Those clothes are not yours to burn.

RUDY: Who are you anyways?

FRANK: I'm the father.

RUDY: He said his father was dead.

FRANK: He said I was dead?

RUDY: That's right. Squeezed an extra twenty-five dollars out of me.

FRANK: That's what my life is worth to him? Twenty-five dollars.

(Kramer and Morty enter with a bunch of raincoats)

KRAMER: Hey, Frank!

FRANK: Oh, I just want to you know I'm retracting our dinner invitation.

MORTY: Well you don't have to retract it because we never went.

FRANK: I'm retracting that it was ever offered.

MORTY: I retract your retraction.

FRANK: Oh, you trying to unload some of that junk of yours?

MORTY: Would you excuse me please, we're conducting business here.

RUDY: You can keep your raincoats. I'm not interested.

KRAMER: I thought we had a deal?

FRANK: That's another one of my shirts!!

RUDY: I'm not buying anymore clothes from anyone off the street.

MORTY: Who's off the street? I'm in the raincoat business for thirty-five years.

RUDY: Ya how do I know there aren't moths like his stuff?

FRANK: My clothes don't have moths!

MORTY: Because of his moths you're not buying my raincoats?

RUDY: That's right.

KRAMER: (laughing) I'm all ticklish. (a moth flies out of his shirt; they all look at it)

[Airport]

(Morty and Helen with a couple bags; Jerry, Elaine and Aaron saying good-bye)

ANNOUNCEMENT: Flight-433 now boarding for Miami, Gate 18a. Flight-433 now boarding.

MORTY: Ok, let's go.

HELEN: (to Aaron) It was so nice of you to come to the airport to see us off.

AARON: Are you sure you can't stay a little longer?

ELAINE & JERRY: NO.

MORTY: Ah, good-bye.

(Jerry hugs Morty; Helen and Elaine give each other a kiss)

ELAINE: Good-bye

JERRY: Take care

MORTY: Alright Jer.

(Morty and Elaine hug; Jerry and Helen give each other a kiss)

ELAINE: Nice to see..

MORTY: Buh bye Elaine

JERRY: Buh bye.

HELEN: Buh bye.

(Aaron torn by emotion moves in and gives Morty and Helen a hug a hug)

HELEN: (looking at Jerry while being overly hugged by Aaron) We'll call you when we get home.

AARON: Thank you.

JERRY: I think she meant me, but.

MORTY: Make sure Kramer uses good tape when he sends back the raincoats.

JERRY: Ok.

(Morty and Helen go to board the plane)

ELAINE: Bye.

JERRY: Bye.

(Aaron begins to follow them)

ELAINE: Aaron? Aaron are you ok?

AARON: I could've done more. I could've done so much more.

ELAINE: You did enough.

AARON: (turning toward her) No, I could've called the travel agency, got them on another flight to Paris, I coulda got them out.

JERRY: You tried Aaron, it was too expensive.

AARON: (holds his arm up) This watch, this watch could've paid for their whole trip. (holds his other hand up) This ring, this ring is one more dinner I could've taken them out to. (Jerry and Elaine look at each other like he's crazy) Water, they need some water (turns around and runs to the Flight Agent)

ELAINE: Why?

AARON: (to the Flight Agent) They'll get dehydrated on the plane! Get the Seinfelds some water. Please! Please!

(Jerry and Elaine continue to look at him funny)

[Rachel's Parents' Place]

(Jerry knocks on the door; Mr. Goldstein answers)

JERRY: Hi Mr. Goldstein is Rachel home?

MR. GOLDSTEIN: I'm afraid Rachel's not going to be able to see you tonight, or any other night for that matter.

JERRY: Why what did I do?

MR. GOLDSTEIN: (Rachel is know seen behind her Dad) You know very well. I heard about your behavior at the movies the other night it was disgraceful. You should be ashamed of yourself, I for one will not allow my daughter to be involved with someone of such weak moral fiber. Fortunatly my postman happened to have witnessed the entire incident. A heavy set fellow, I believe he lives in your building. (Jerry turns to almost do a 'Newman') Now if you don't mind. (starts to close the door)

JERRY: Rachel!

MR. GOLDSTEIN: (closing the door on Jerry) Good night!

JERRY: Rachel!

[Monk's]

(Jerry and Elaine at the normal booth)

JERRY: So my parents get home, they open the door, my father flicks the light on, the whole place is cleaned out, everything.

ELAINE: Aahh, (pushes Jerry from her seat at the table) Get Out! How did it happen?

JERRY: The broken window, Klompus never fixed it. They just walked right in.

ELAINE: Oohh, boy. They could use a vacation.

JERRY: Yea they're taking one, the travel agent is trying to set something else up for them.

ELAINE: (sighs) So how about that Aaron?

JERRY: Whew

ELAINE: You know what drove me crazy about him? Did you ever notice that he stood too close to you when he talked?

JERRY: No I hadn't noticed.

(Newman enters and walks by the table; Jerry doesn't notice him as he is getting something out of his coat pocket)

NEWMAN: (at the counter) Pair of bear claws please.

JERRY: (hearing Newman turns and sees him) Hiya Newman.

NEWMAN: (moving away from the counter getting closer to the door) Hello Jerry.

JERRY: Say, I happened to catch you coming out of Schindler's List the other night.

NEWMAN: Ohh, were you there?

JERRY: Yes I was.

NEWMAN: (looking scared) I-it's a it's a...powerful film.

JERRY: Yes, shocking brutality don't you think?

NEWMAN: (couple quick breaths) Shocking.

JERRY: Yes, well that was nothing.

(Newman makes a noise and takes off toward the door as Jerry gets up)

NEWMAN: (running out the door) Jerry! Jerry!

(Jerry chases Newman right out the door)


[Paris]

(George is sitting at an outside eatery in France with Joey)

GEORGE: Where the hell is your father?!

(George smiles and waves at a girl sitting at another table; Joey puts some stuff on George's glasses)

[Cruise ship out in the Ocean]

(Estelle and Frank walking around on the boat)

ESTELLE: This is the best thing we ever did.

FRANK: I just hope those exterminators know what they're doing.

ESTELLE: Ah forget about them let's just...

(Frank and Estelle run into Morty and Helen)

[Closing Monologue]

Personal distance is a very important thing. There's a new personal distance, ATM distance. When someone's using an ATM, you wanna be about six feet back don't you? Because people a little edgy around that ATM don't they? They got their money out, their eyes are darting all around. The other place I wanna be about six feet away is Urinals, you want some distance there too. ATMs and Urinals, I guess whenever someone's taking valuable out of their pants you want to give them as much room as possible.

END