Episode 116 - � The Soup Nazi �
Written by Spike Feresten Directed by Andy Ackerman

Guest Starring Regular Cast

VINCE MELOCCHI as Furniture Guy
MIKE MICHAUD as Customer

GEORGE: All right. So, what theatre you wanna go to tonight? We got 61st and 3rd or 84th and Broadway.
JERRY: Which one you wanna go to shmoopy?
SHEILA: You called me shmoppy. You�re a shmoopy.
JERRY: You�re a shmoopy!
SHEILA: You�re a shmoopy!
JERRY: You�re a shmoopy!
GEORGE: All right, shmoopies...what�s it gonna be? Pick a theater.
JERRY: Uh,..we�ll go to 3rd Avenue. So, can you come with us for lunch to the soup place?
SHEILA: No. You have a good lunch. But I�ll meet you back here for the movie.
SHEILA: Hi Elaine.
ELAINE: Hi Sheila.
JERRY: All right, then. I�ll see you later.
SHEILA: Bye shmoopy.
JERRY: Bye shmoopy.
ELAINE: Okay. We ready to go?
GEORGE: Yes. Please. Please, let�s go.
ELAINE: Boy, I�m in the mood for a cheeseburger.
JERRY: No. We gotta go to the soup place.
ELAINE: What soup place?
GEORGE: Oh, there�s a soup stand, Kramer�s been going there.
JERRY: He�s always raving. I finally got a chance to go there the other day, and I tell you this, you will be stunned.
ELAINE: Stunned by soup?
JERRY: You can�t eat this soup standing up, your knees buckle.
ELAINE: Huh. All right. Come on.
JERRY: There�s only one caveat -- the guy who runs the place is a little temperamental, especially about the ordering procedure. He�s secretly referred to as the Soup Nazi.
ELAINE: Why? What happends if you don�t order right?
JERRY: He yells and you don�t get your soup.
JERRY: Just follow the ordering procedure and you will be fine.
GEORGE: All right. All right. Let�s - let�s go over that again.
JERRY: All right. As you walk in the place move immediately to your right.
JERRY: The main thing is to keep the line moving.
GEORGE: All right. So, you hold out your money, speak your soup in a loud, clear voice, step to the left and receive.
JERRY: Right. It�s very important not to embellish on your order. No extranneous comments. No
questions. No compliments.
ELAINE: Oh, boy, I�m really scared!
JERRY: Elaine.
ELAINE: All right. Jerry, that�s enough now about the Soup Nazi. Whoa! Wow! Look at this. You know what this is? This is an antique armoire. Wow! It�s French. Armoire.
JERRY: Ar-moire.
ELAINE: How much is this?
FURNITURE GUY: I was asking 250, but you got a nice face. 2 even.
ELAINE: Huh? Ha. 200. You know, I�ve always wanted one of these things.
JERRY: He gave you the nice face discount.
ELAINE: Yeah. All right. You guys go ahead.
JERRY: What about the soup?
ELAINE: I�m getting an armoire, Jerry.
JERRY: [in French accent] Pardon.
GEORGE: This line is huge.
JERRY: It�s like this all the time.
GEORGE: Isn�t that that Bania guy?
JERRY: Oh, no. It is. Just be still.
GEORGE: Whoop! Too late. I think he picked up the scent.
BANIA: Hey, Jerry! I didn�t know you liked soup.
JERRY: Hard to believe.
BANIA: This guy makes the best soup in the city, Jerry. The best. You know what they call him? Soup Nazi.
JERRY: Shhhhh! All right, Bania, I - I�m not letting you cut in line.
BANIA: Why not?
JERRY: Because if he catches us, we�ll never be able to get soup again.
BANIA: Okay. Okay.
GEORGE: Medium turkey chili.
JERRY: Medium crab bisque.
GEORGE: I didn�t get any bread.
JERRY: Just forget it. Let it go.
GEORGE: Um, excuse me, I - I think you forgot my bread.
SOUP NAZI: Bread -- $2 extra.
GEORGE: $2? But everyone in front of me got free bread.
SOUP NAZI: You want bread?
GEORGE: Yes, please.
SOUP NAZI: No soup for you! [snaps fingers]
[cahsier takes George�s soup and gives him back his money]
ELAINE: What do you mean I can�t bring in here? I live here.
SUPER: Its Sunday, Elaine. There�s no moving on Sunday. That�s the rule.
ELAINE: But I didn�t know, Tom. I g -- can�t you just make an exception? Please. I�ve got a nice face.
SUPER: Tomorrow, okay? You can move it in tommorrow. I�ll even give you a hand, all right?
ELAINE: Ohh! Well, you�re just gonna have to hold this for me.
FURNITURE GUY: I�m a guy on the sidewalk. I don�t have layaway.
ELAINE: Oh, no...please don�t go. Please - please don�t walk away.
JERRY: Oh, man. Ohh! This is fantastic. How does he do it?
GEORGE: You know, I don�t see how you can sit there eating that and not even offer me any?
JERRY: I gave you a taste. What do you want?
GEORGE: Why can�t we share?
JERRY: I told you not to say anything. You can�t go in there, brazenly flout the rules and then think I�m gonna share with you!
GEORGE: Do you hear yourself?
JERRY: I�m sorry. This is what comes from living under a Nazi regime.
GEORGE: Well, I gotta go back there and try again. Hi Sheila.
SHEILA: Hi. Hi shmoopy.
JERRY: Hi shmoopy.
SHEILA: No, you�re a shmoopy!
JERRY: You�re a shmoopy!
GEORGE: I�m going.
JERRY: Hey, listen, so we�ll meet you and Susan at the movie tonight?
GEORGE: You know what? I changed my mind. I, uh, I don�t think so.
GEORGE: I just don�t feel like it anymore.
JERRY: Just like that?
GEORGE: Just like that.
SHEILA: Boy, he�s a weird guy, isn�t he?
KRAMER: [taking Jerry�s couch cushion] Yeah.
JERRY: Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Wha -- what are you doing?
KRAMER: Yeah. Elaine, she has to leave her armoire on the street all night...I�m gonna guard it for her. I need something to sit on.
JERRY: Well, sit on one of your couch cushions.
KRAMER: Yeah, but this is so nice and thick. Ahoy there!
ELAINE: Oh, Kramer! Thank God. I really appreciate you doing this.
KRAMER: Yeah. Well, you ask for it, you got it.
ELAINE: Do you need anything?
KRAMER: Well, a bowl of muligatawny would hit the spot.
ELAINE: Mulligatawny?
KRAMER: Yeah. It�s an Indian soup. It�s simmered to perfection by one of the great soup artisans
in the modern era.
ELAINE: Oh! Who? The Soup Nazi?
KRAMER: He�s not a Nazi. He just happens to be a little eccentric. Most geniuses are.
ELAINE: All right. I�ll be back.
KRAMER: Wait a second. You don�t even know how to order.
ELAINE: Oh, no. No. No. No. I got it.
KRAMER: No. No, Elaine!
ELAINE: Hey, I got it. Hey. Didn�t you already get soup?
GEORGE: No. I didn�t get it.
ELAINE: Why? What happened?
GEORGE: I made a mistake.
ELAINE: [laughing]
GEORGE: All right. Well, we�ll see what happends to you.
ELAINE: Yeah. No. Listen, George, I am quite certain I�m walking out of there with a bowl of soup.
GEORGE: Yeah. Hey, let ask you something. Is it just me, or - or do you find it unbearable to be aorund Jerry and that girl?
ELAINE: Oh, I know! It is awful!
GEORGE: Why do they have to do that in front of people?
ELAINE: I don�t know.
GEORGE: What is that with the shmoopy?
GEORGE: The shmoopy, shmoopy, shmoopy, shmmopy, shmoopy!
ELAINE: Ohh! Stop it! I know.
GEORGE: I had to listen to a five minute discussion on which one is actually called shmoopy.
GEORGE: And I cancelled plans to go to the movies with them tonight.
ELAINE: You know, we should say something.
GEORGE: You know, we absolutely should.
ELAINE: I mean, why does he do that? Doesn�t he know what a huge turnoff that is?
GEORGE: I don�t know. He can be so weird sometimes.
GEORGE: I still haven�t figured him out.
ELAINE: No. Me neither.
GEORGE: All right. Shh! I gotta focus. I�m shifting into soup mode.
ELAINE: Oh, God!
GEORGE: Good afternoon. One large crab bisque to go. Bread. Beautiful.
SOUP NAZI: You�re pushing your luck little man.
GEORGE: Sorry. Thank you.
ELAINE: Hi there. Um, uh -- [drumming on countertop] Oh! Oh! Oh! One mulligatawny and, um....
what is that right there? Is that lima bean?
ELAINE: Never been a big fan. [coughing] Um..you know what? Has anyone ever told you you look exactly like Al Pacino? You know, � Scent Of A Woman.� Who-ah! Who-ah!
SOUP NAZI: Very good. Very good.
ELAINE: Well, I --
SOUP NAZI: You know something?
SOUP NAZI: No soup for you!
SOUP NAZI: Come back one year! Next!
RAY: Look at this.
BOB: It�s an antique.
RAY: It�s all hand made and I love the in-lay.
BOB: Yes. Yes. me, too. Ay, it�s gorgeous. Completely. Pick it up. No. No. Pick it up from the bottom over there.
KRAMER: Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. What are you doing?
BOB: What does it look like we�re doing? We�re taking this.
KRAMER: You can�t take this. This belongs to a friend of mine.
BOB: Look, you wanna get hurt?
BOB: I don�t think you wanna get hurt. Because if you wanna get hurt I can hurt you. Now, just back off.
RAY: Bob.
BOB: Just pick it up.
KRAMER: What is this, huh?
BOB: You have some kind of problem here? What is it you not understanding? We taking the armoire and that�s all there is to it. Okay?
ELAINE: I mean, is he allowed to do this? It�s discrimination! I�m gonna call the states� attorney office. I really am.
GEORGE: Oh, this is fabulous. My God Elaine, you have to taste this.
ELAINE: All right. All right. Give me a tsate. Mmm! Oh God, I gotta sit down. What happened? Where�s my armoire?
KRAMER: Well, b -- it was stolen.
ELAINE: Wha--?
KRAMER: These street toughs, they robbed me.
ELAINE: Street toughs took my armoire?
KRAMER: Yeah. It was very frightening. My life was in danger. You should�ve seen the way they talked to me.
ELAINE: I can�t believe this!
KRAMER: Well, where�s the soup?
ELAINE: Wha -- the Soup Nazi threw me out.
KRAMER: Oh...yeah!
JERRY: What are you gonna get?
SHEILA: I�ll decide at the last minute.
JERRY: You better decide, sister. You�re on deck. Sheila!
[Soup Nazi pounding on countertop]
JERRY: Uh-oh.
SOUP NAZI: Hey, what is this? You�re kissing in my line? Nobody kisses in my line!
SHEILA: I can kiss anywherre I want to.
SOUP NAZI: You just cost yourself a soup!
SHEILA: How dare you? Come on, Jerry, we�re leaving. Jerry?
JERRY: Do I know you?
ELAINE: So, essentially, you chose soup over a woman?
JERRY: It was a bisque.
ELAINE: Yeah. You know what I just realized? Suddenly, George has become much more normal than you.
JERRY: Really?
ELAINE: Yeah. Come on. I mean, think about it. He�s engaged to be married. Your top priority is soup.
JERRY: Have you tastes the soup?
ELAINE: Yeah. All right. You made the right decision.
JERRY: See, the way I figure it, it�s much easier to patch things up with Sheila than with the Soup Nazi.
JERRY: Oh, thanks.
ELAINE: There he is.
KRAMER: Elaine, I�m really sorry about the armoire.
ELAINE: Yeah. I know. Me, too.
JERRY: So, did these thieves want any money?
JERRY: They just wanted the armoire?
KRAMER: Yeah. They were..quite taken with it.
[interom buzzes]
JERRY: Yeah?
GEORGE: Hup! Hup!
JERRY: Hey, have you noticed George is acting a little strange lately?
ELAINE: No. In what way?
JERRY: I don�t know. A lot of attitude, like he�s better than me, or something.
ELAINE: I don�t think George has ever thought he�s better than anybody.
GEORGE: Hello.
JERRY: Hello.
GEORGE: Hello.
ELAINE: Hello.
GEORGE: Were you just talking about me? What�s going on?
JERRY: Absolutely not.
GEORGE: Something�s going on here.
KRAMER: All right, [claps hands] I�m gonna go get some soup.
ELAINE: One of these days that guy is gonna get his.
GEORGE: So, how was the movie?
JERRY: Aw, we didn�t go. Sheila and I are kind of on the outs.
GEORGE: Oh, yeah?
JERRY: Yeah. Wha - wha - what are you, happy?
GEORGE: Happy? Why should I be happy?
JERRY: I don�t know, but you look like you�re happy.
GEORGE: Why should I care?
JERRY: You can�t fool me. Don�t unsult me, George because I know when you�re happy.
GEORGE: All right. I am happy, and I�ll tell ya why -- because the two of you were making me and every one of your friends sick! Right, Elaine?
[Elaine sneaks out of Jerry�s apartment]
JERRY: Is that so?
GEORGE: Yeah. Yeah. With all that kissing and the shmoopy, shmoopy, shmoopy, shmoopy, shmoopy out in public like that. It�s disgutsing!
JERRY: Disgusting?
GEORGE: People who do that should be arrested.
JERRY: Well, I guess I have all the more reason to get back with her.
GEORGE: Ye - yeah. And we had a pact, you know.
JERRY: What?
GEORGE: You shook my hand in that coffee shop.
JERRY: You�re still with the pact?
GEORGE: Mmm-hmm. You reneged.
JERRY: All I did was shake your hand.
GEORGE: Ah-ha!
KRAMER: And then they just ran off with the armoire, just like that.
SOUP NAZI: Ohh! This city.
NEWMAN: One large jambalaya, please.
SOUP NAZI: So, continue.
KRAMER: Well, my friend is awful disappointed is all. You know, she�s very emotional.
NEWMAN: Thank you. [inhaling deeply] Jambalaya!
SOUP NAZI: All right, now listen to me. You have been a good friend. I have an armoire in my basement. If you want to pick it up, you�re welcome to it. So, take it, it�s yours.
KRAMER: How can I possibly thank you?
SOUP NAZI: You are the only one who understands me.
KRAMER: You suffer for your soup.
SOUP NAZI: Yes. That is right.
KRAMER: You demand perfection from yourself, from your soup.
SOUP NAZI: How can I tolerate any less from my customer?
CUSTOMER: Uh, gespacho, por favor.
SOUP NAZI: Por favor?
CUSTOMER: Um, I�m part Spanish.
SOUP NAZI: Adios muchacho!
JERRY: It was stupid of me.
SHEILA: Well, it was very insulting.
JERRY: No. I know. I - I was really sort of half-kidding.
SHEILA: Well, behind every joke there�s some truth.
JERRY: What about that Bavarian cream pie joke I told you? There�s no truth to that. Nobody with a terminal illness goes from the United States to Europe for a piece of Bavarian cream pie and then when they get there and they don�t have it he says � Aw, I�ll just have some coffee.� There�s no truth to that.
SHEILA: Well, I guess you�r right.
JERRY: So, am I forgiven, shmoopy?
SHEILA: Yes, shmoopy.
SUSAN: Hey, Jerry!
JERRY: Oh, hi Susan, George. You remember Sheila.
GEORGE: Oh, yes. Hello.
SHEILA: Hello. Won�t you join us?
GEORGE: No, thanks.
SUSAN: Of course.
GEORGE: Yes. Well -- So, uh, sit on the same side at a booth, huh?
JERRY: Yeah. That�s right. You got a problem?
GEORGE: I, uh, just think it�s a little unusual. Two people to sit on one side...and leave the other side empty.
JERRY: Well, we�re changing the tules.
GEORGE: Ahh. Good for you.
SUSAN: Aw, what are you getting George?
GEORGE: I don�t know, honey. What do you want to get? [in babying voice] I want you to get anything you want...�cause I love you so much. I want you to be happy. Okay, sweetie?
SUSAN: Oh, George, you�re so sweet.
GEORGE: Well, I could be a little sweetie tweetie weetie weetie.
JERRY: What about you, shmoopy? How �bout a little tuna? You want a little tuna fishy?
JERRY: Yum yum little tuna fishy?
GEORGE: Come here.
[George & Susan begin making out; Jerry & Sheila begin making out in order to keep up]
KRAMER: And..voila!
ELAINE: [gasps]
ELAINE: Oh! Oh, I love it! I absolutely love it!
KRAMER: Yeah. Did the K Man do it or did the K Man do it?
ELAINE: The K Man did it!
ELAINE: [laughing] How much did you pay for this thing?
KRAMER: How �bout zero?
ELAINE: What? Who�s was it? Where�d you get it?
KRAMER: I�ll tell ya where I got it. I got it from the guy you so callously refer to as the Soup Nazi.
ELAINE: Get out!
[Elaine pushes on Kramer�s chest, causing in to fall backwards through her swinging door]
ELAINE: The Soup Nazi gave it to you?
KRAMER: Well, I told him the whole story and he just let me have it. Wha -- Yeah. He�s a wonderful man.
ELAINE: [gasps]
KRAMER: Yeah. Well, a little bit misunderstood but, uh....
ELAINE: Well, I�m just gonna go down there and personally thank him. I mean, I had this guy all wrong. This is wonderful!
KRAMER: Yeah. Well, he�s a dear.
GEORGE: How much tip do you leave on 8.15?
SUSAN: You know sweetie, I just want you to know that I was so proud of you today expressing your feelings so freely in front of Jerry and all. Just knowing that you�re not afraid of those things is such a great step forward in our relationship.
SUSAN: [in babying voice] Because you love your little kiki don�t you?
CUSTOMER: How is he today?
BANIA: I think he�s in a good mood.
ELAINE: Hi. You know, Kramer gave me the armoire and it is so beautiful. I�m mean, I just can�t
tell you how much I appreciate it.
SOUP NAZI: You? If I knew it was for you, I never would have given it to him in the first place! I would have taken a hatchet and smashed it to pieces! Now, who wants soup? Next! Speak up!
JERRY: I�m heading over to Elaine�s.
KRAMER: Oh. Jerry, those are the guys that mugged me for the armoire.
JERRY: Those two?
JERRY: Are you sure?
KRAMER: Yeah. That�s them.
JERRY: Well, let�s confront �em.
KRAMER: No. No. No. No. Let�s get a cop.
JERRY: There�s no cops around. They�re gonna leave. Come on.
JERRY: Let�s go.
BOB: Oh, wow look, that one is gorgeous. I would just kill for that one.
RAY: Oh, not in blue. Blue does not go with all.
BOB: Oh, please. Do you know what you�re talking about? Because I don�t think you know what you�re talking about. Take a look at that.
KRAMER: Excuse me.
RAY: Are you talking to me?
KRAMER: Uh, well, uh, we --
RAY: I said, are you talking to me?
BOB: Well, maybe, he was talking to me. Was you talking to him? Because you was obviously talking to one of us. So what is it? Who?! Who was you talking to?!
KRAMER: Well, wha -- I, uh -- uh, we were kind of, uh, talking to each other, weren�t we?
[Jerry & Kramer turn around and run away]
ELAINE: I mean, you know, I�ve never een so insulted in my entire life. There�s something really wrong with this man. He is a Soup Nazi. What? What is that?
JERRY: I don�t know. � 5 cups chopped Porcini mushrooms, half a cup of olive oil, 3 pounds of celery, chopped parsley...�
ELAINE: Let me see this. [gasps] You know what this is? This is a recipe for soup, and look at this. There are like thrity different recipes. These are his recipes!
ELAINE: So? So, his secret�s out. Don�t you see? I could give these to every restaurant in town. I could have �em published! I could - I could drop fliers from a plane above the city.
JERRY: Wait a second, Elaine. Where do you think you�re going?
ELAINE: What do you care?
JERRY: Elaine, I don�t want you causing any trouble down at that soup stand. I happen to love that soup.
ELAINE: Get out of ym way, Jerry.
JERRY: Elaine, let the man make his soup!
ELAINE: Don�t make me hurt you, Jerry.
SUSAN: Look, they have it in blue...for my baby bluey. Are you my baby bluey?
GEORGE: Oh, yes. I - I�m your baby bluey.
JERRY: Well. Well.
SUSAN: Hi, Jerry.
JERRY: Hey, Susan, George.
SUSAN: You know, I really like Sheila a lot.
JERRY: Oh, really?
SUSAN: Mmm-hmm.
JERRY: Because we�re kind of not seeing each other anymore.
SUSAN: Oh, no! That�s too bad.
JERRY: Yeah. Well, she was very affectionate - which I love. You know I love that - but mentally, we couldn�t quite make the connection.
GEORGE: Really?
JERRY: Yeah. Too bad, �cause you gotta have the affection - which you obviously have. I think it�s great that you�re so open with your affections in public. See, we had that.
SUSAN: Mmm-hmm.
GEORGE: You did?
JERRY: Oh, yeah. But the mental thing. But anyway. I�ll see ya.
GEORGE: Yeah. See ya.
SOUP NAZI: Go on! Leave! Get out!
WOMAN: But I didn�t do anything.
ELAINE: Hello.
SOUP NAZI: You. You think you can get soup? Please. You�re wasting everyone�s time.
ELAINE: I don�t want soup. I can make my own soup. � 5 cups chopped Porcini mushrooms, half a cup of olive oil, 3 pounds celery.�
SOUP NAZI: That is my recipe for wild mushroom.
ELAINE: Yeah, that�s right. I got �em all. Cold cucumber, corn and cran chowder, mulligatawny.
SOUP NAZI: Mulliga...tawny?
ELAINE: You�re through Soup Nazi. Pack it up. No more soup for you. Next!
NEWMAN: [panting] Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
JERRY: What is it?
NEWMAN: Something�s happened with the Soup Nazi!
JERRY: Wha - wha - what�s the matter?
NEWMAN: Elaine�s down there causing all kinds of commotion. Somehow she got a hold of his recipes and she says she�s gonna drive him out of business! The Soup Nazi said that now that his recipes are out, he�s not gonna make anymore soup! He�s moving out of the
country, moving to Argentina! No more soup, Jerry! No more for any of us!
JERRY: Well, where are you going?
NEWMAN: He�s giving away what�s left! I gotta go home and get a big pot!