Episode #103 -- "The Stakeout" [Series Premiere]
Originally Aired: Thursday, May 31, 1990, 9:30PM
Supervising Producer ................. Larry Charles
Supervising Producer ................. Tom Cherones
Executive Producer ................... Andrew Sherman
Created By ........................... Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld
Written By ........................... Larry David
Directed By .......................... Tom Cherones
Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld (well, duh!)
George Castanza ...................... Jason Alexander
Elaine Benes ......................... Julia Louis-Drefus
Kramer ............................... Michael Richards
Vanessa .............................. Lynn Clark
Morty Seinfeld ....................... Phil Bruns
Helen Seinfeld ....................... Liz Sheridan
Pamela ............................... Maud Winchester
Roger ................................ William Fair
Artie ................................ Ron Steelman
Uncle Mac ............................ Joe George
Carol ................................ Ellen Gerstein
Woman ................................ Janet Rotblatt
% Opening monologue
Jerry: ...three dollars. They both of course choose to pay by the use of
the... [cheque!] cheque. Now, the fact is, if it's a woman in
front of you that's writing the cheque, you will not be waiting long.
I have noticed that women are very *fast* with cheques, y'know, 'cuz
they write out so many cheques. The keys, they can never find in
their purse, they don't know where that is, but the chequebook they
got that. They never fumble for the chequebook-- the chequebook
comes out of a holster: ["draws" imaginary book from an imaginary
holster] ``Who do I make it out to?... There's my ID...''. There's
something about a cheque that, to a man, is not masculine. I don't
know exactly what it is... I think to a man, a cheque is like a note
from your mother that says ``I don't have any money, but if you'll
contact these people, I'm sure they'll stick up for me... If you
just trust me this one time I don't have any money but I have
these... I wrote on these; is this of any value at all?''
% Open at a video store where Jerry and some woman named "Elaine" are
% apparently looking to rent a movie for the night.
Jerry: What's that one?
Elaine: "Coccoon II: The Return". I guess they didn't like it up there...
Jerry: Maybe they came back for Chinese food. Y'know Maureen Stapleton, if
she gets a craving, she's probably screamin' at those aliens, "I
gotta have a Lo mein!"
Elaine: Okay, what're we doing here? I have seen *everything*.
Jerry: Oh yeah? I don't believe you've seen... this.
% Jerry shows Elaine some movie from the Adult section that's probably
% called "The Sperminator", or something...
Elaine: Oh, lovely...
Elaine: What do you think their parents think?
Jerry: "So, uh, what's your son doing now, Dr. Stevens?"
"Oh, he's a public fornicator. Yes, he's a fine boy..."
Elaine: Y'know what? This would be a really funny gift for Pamela's
Jerry: Pamela? Do I know her?
Elaine: Yeah, you met her when we were going out.
Jerry: Oh yeah, right...
Elaine: You have *no* idea who I'm talking about, do you?
Jerry: [quickly] No.
Elaine: Blonde hair remember? Glasses? [pause] Have you *totally* blocked
out the entire time we were a couple?
Jerry: Riverside Drive.
Elaine: Right! In fact... No, never mind...
Jerry: Well, what is it?
Elaine: Well, a bunch of people are getting together tomorrow night at some
bar for her birthday, but... you don't want to go to... that... no.
Jerry: Wait a second, wait a second. We could work out a little deal here.
Elaine: What little deal?
Jerry: I will go to that, if you go with me to a little family wedding I
have on Saturday.
Elaine: A *wedding*!? Have you *lost* it, man?
Jerry: Y'know, my parents are coming in for this...
Elaine: They're coming in?
Jerry: Yeah, tomorrow.
Elaine: Hey, did your father ever get that hair weave?
Jerry: No, no... Still doin' the big *sweep* across.
Elaine: Why does he do that?
Jerry: Doesn't think anyone can tell?
Jerry: So c'mon, do we have a deal?
Elaine: A *wedding*?
Jerry: There's a lot of people to mock...
Elaine: Alright, what the Hell.
Woman: When you're dead, you're dead. That's it. You're not goin'
% Still haven't figured *that* one out yet. Nevertheless, at the bar
% the next night...
Elaine: C'mon lets go, c'mon...
Jerry: Was I supposed to bring something?
Elaine: You could have.
Jerry: I met her *one* time...
% They greet Pamela...
Jerry: I didn't bring anything...
% They sit down at a table next to each other. The piano man plays
% your basic "one-step-up-from-elevator-music" (simply 'cuz you're not
% stuck in an elevator while listening to it). Across from Jerry is
% a strikingly beautiful woman. She speaks:
Vanessa: How big a tip do you think it'd take to get him to stop?
Jerry: I'm in for five...
Vanessa: I'll supply the hat.
Jerry: [To himself] Uh-oh... What do we have here...
Vanessa: Why don't you relax and take your jacket off?
Jerry: Oh, I can't-- I have a tendency to get chilly.
Vanessa: How masculine...
Jerry: Plus I'm wearing short sleeves, I don't want to expose my tattoos.
[To himself] She's unbelievable!
% The guy beside Venus, er, I mean Vanessa interrupts to tell her about this
% unseen guy next to him.
Roger: [To Vanessa] Hey, this guy says he knows Bricker...
Vanessa: Oh, you know Bricker! From where?
% With their conversation interrupted, Jerry ponders to himself...
Jerry: [To himself] What's going on here? Gotta be her boyfriend, she's
too good to be alone... What's the difference, I can't maneuver
anyway with Elaine next to me...
Vanessa: [To Jerry] How do you know Pamela?
Jerry: Friend of a friend. And you?
Vanessa: We went to law school together.
Elaine: Oh, Jerry!
Jerry: [To himself] Oh no, not *now*...
Elaine: I had this dream last night and you were in it.
Jerry: Oh really... [To himself] Oh God, I gotta get out of this...
Elaine: You were you, but, you weren't you...
Jerry: No kidding... [To himself] Why is this happening? Please, make
Elaine: I think, I think we were in my house where I grew up, and you were
standing there, you were looking out the window--
Jerry: [To himself] This is *brutal*...
Elaine: You turned around and you had these wooden teeth...
Jerry: How do you like that... [To himself] Can I turn now? Is this
over? No, I can't, I can't... I'm stuck...
Elaine: Jerry? Are you listening to me?
Jerry: Yes, I *heard* you.
Pamela: Elaine, what's the name of that jewelry store you took me to that
Jerry: [To himself] Thank *you*, Pamela!
Jerry: [To Vanessa] So, you're a lawyer...
Vanessa: Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft.
Jerry: [To himself, quickly] Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft.
Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft...
[To Vanessa] Of course, they handled my tattoo removal lawsuit!
Vanessa: Oh, that was you!
Jerry: Imagine, spelling "Mom" with two O's...
Vanessa: Very funny! What do you do?
Vanessa: Really... That explains it...
Jerry: [To himself, quickly] Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft.
Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft.
Roger: Are you ready?
Vanessa: We gotta run. Happy birthday!
% The two of them get up an leave. Jerry panics n his own mind...
Jerry: [To himself] I can't believe it-- I got *nothing*! I don't even
know her name!
% Oh, poor Jerry. If only he would read my episode capsules, he would've
% known her name 70 lines ago...
Jerry: [To himself, *very* quickly] Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and
Taft. Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppen... Sagman... Sag...
% A grim stare from Elaine knocks his concentration. After the party, in
% the cab home...
Jerry: That wasn't so bad, really...
Elaine: Y'know, uh, you could use a little work on your manners.
Jerry: Why? What did I do?
% You mean besides not bringing anything?
Elaine: Well, I just don't appreciate these little "courtesy responses",
like I'm selling you aluminum siding.
Jerry: I was listening!
Elaine: No! You couldn't wait to get back to your little... "conversation".
% Okay Jerry. Bottom of the ninth. Two on, down by one. Two strikes on
% you. Let's see how you do in the clutch...
Jerry: No, you were talking about the, the um, the dream you had.
% So far, so good.
Jerry: Where you had, uh, wooden teeth.
% Oops. Whiff.
Elaine: No! No! *You* had wooden teeth! *You* had wooden teeth! *I*
didn't have wooden teeth, *you* did!
Jerry: Alright, so *I* had wooden teeth, so what?
Elaine: So nothing... Nothing...
% Cut to Jerry in a nightclub somewhere, doing another monologue...
Jerry: Apparently Plato, who came up with the concept of the platonic
relationship, was pretty excited about it. He named it after
himself. He said ``Yeah, I got this new thing-- "platonic". My
idea, my name, callin' it after myself... What I do is, I go *out*
with the girls, I *talk* with them-- don't *do* anything... and go
right home. What'dya think? I think it's going to be *big*!''
I bet you there were other guys in history that tried to get
relationships named after them, but it didn't work. Y'know, I bet
you there were guys who tried to do it, just went: ``Hi, my name's
Rico. Would you like to go to bed immediately? Hey, it's a
% Jerry gets home after the party. His place is characteristically not
% vacant, but it's not Kramer inside-- it's his folks.
Morty: Ah, there he is!
Jerry: This is what I like, see? You come home and your parents are in your
Helen: Y'know, Jerry, we don't have to do this...
Jerry: What are you talkin' about? It's fine, I love having you here...
Helen: Tomorrow we'll go to a hotel.
Jerry: Ma, will you stop?
Helen: No, why should we take over your apartment?
Jerry: I don't care-- I'm sleeping next door.
Helen: Your friend Kramer doesn't mind?
Jerry: No, he's making a bouillabaisse.
Jerry: So Dad, lemme ask you a question. How many people work at these big
Morty: Depends on the firm.
Jerry: Yeah, but if you called up and described someone, do you think they
would know who it was?
Morty: What's the matter? You need a lawyer?
Jerry: No, I met someone at this party, and I know where she works, but I
don't know her name.
Morty: So why don't you ask someone who was at the party?
Jerry: Nah, the only one I could ask is Elaine, and I can't ask her.
Helen: Why not?
Jerry: Because it's complicated-- there's some tension there.
Helen: He used to go with her...
Helen: Which one is she?
Morty: From Maryland. The one who brought you the chocolate covered
cherries you didn't like.
Morty: Oh yeah, . Warm person.
Jerry: Oh yeah, she's great.
Helen: So, how come nothing materialised there?
Jerry: Well, it's a tough thing to talk about... I dunno...
Helen: I know what it was...
Jerry: You don't know what it was...
Helen: So, what was it?
Jerry: Well, we fight a lot for some reason...
% Both his parents respond in that "You know so little son, that's to be
% expected", sarcastic, know-it-all tone...
H + M: Oh, well...
Jerry: And there was a little problem with the physical chemistry...
% Oops. Cat got your collective tongue, folks? They occupy themselves
% for a few seconds, not knowing how to respond to *that*...
Helen: Well, I think she's a very attractive girl.
Jerry: Oh, she is, she absolutely is.
Helen: I can see if there was a *weight* problem...
Jerry: No, it's not that. It wasn't all one-sided.
% Why, Jerry? How could anyone not like you?
Helen: You know, you can't be so particular. Nobody's perfect.
% Except maybe Jerry. Right, Mrs. Seinfeld?
Jerry: I know, I know...
Morty: Y'know Jerry, it's a good thing I wasn't so particular.
Helen: Idiot... [To Jerry] So who're you looking for, Sophia Loren?
Jerry: That's got *nothin'* to do with it.
Morty: How about Loni Anderson?
Helen: Where do you get Loni Anderson?
Morty: Why, what's wrong with Loni Anderson?
Helen: I like *Elaine* more than Loni Anderson...
% That makes a bunch of us, Mrs. Seinfeld...
Jerry: What are you two talking about? Look, Elaine just wasn't "the one".
Helen: And this other one's "the one"?
Jerry: I dunno, maybe...
Morty: So ask Elaine there for the number.
Jerry: I can't-- she'll get upset. I never talk about other women with her,
especially this one tonight.
Helen: How could you still see her if your not interested?
Jerry: We're *friends*.
Morty: Doesn't sound like you're friends to me. If you were friends you'd
ask her for the number. Do you know where this other one works?
Jerry: Oh yeah...
% Yeah, but can he say it six times fast? Actually, he probably can...
Morty: Well, go up to the office.
Helen: Up to her office?
Morty: Go to the building. She goes out to lunch, doesn't she?
Jerry: I guess...
Morty: So, you stand in the lobby, by the elevator, and wait for her to
go to lunch.
Jerry: You mean "stakeout" the lobby?
Helen: Morty, that's ridiculous. Just ask Elaine for the number!
Morty: He doesn't want to ask Elaine for the number.
Helen: So you've got him standing by the elevator like a *dope*! What
happens when he sees her?
Morty: He pretends he *bumped* into her!
Jerry: Y'know what? This is *not* that *bad* an idea...
% At the building, G+J start to plot their strategy.
George: What does she look like?
Jerry: I dunno. Hard to say.
George: What actress does she remind you of?
Jerry: Loni Anderson.
George: Loni Anderson?!
Jerry: What, there's something wrong with Loni Anderson?
Jerry: Hey listen, thanks again for running over here. I appreciate it.
George: Yeah, sure. I was showing a condo on 48th st. Besides, you think
I wanna miss this?
Jerry: I'm a little nervous.
George: Yeah, me too...
Jerry: If I see her, what do I say that I'm doing here in the building?
George: You came to see me; I work in the building.
Jerry: What do you do?
George: I'm an *architect*.
Jerry: You're an *architect*?
George: I'm not?
Jerry: I don't see architecture comin from you...
George: I suppose *you* could be an architect...
Jerry: I never said that I was the architect. Just somethin' else...
George: Alright, she's not even gonna ask, if we *see* her, which is remote.
Jerry: Well what'dya want me to say, that I just wandered in here?!
George: We're having lunch with a friend-- he works in the building.
Jerry: What is *his* name?
George: Bert... Har... bin... son. Bert Har-bin-son.
Jerry: Bert Harbinson? It sounds made up.
George: No good? Alright, how about Art... Corr.....
Jerry: Art Corr...
George: Yeah, right.
Jerry: Well, what does *he* do?
George: He's an importer.
Jerry: Just imports, no exports?
George: He's an importer/exporter, okay?
George: Say, did Elaine ever call you back?
Jerry: No, I guess she's still mad.
George: I don't understand, you never talk to her about other women?
% Bing! The elevator opens up and...
Jerry: Wait a second... That's her... on the right.
George: I forgot who I am! Who am I?!
Jerry: You're you. We're having lunch with Art Corvelay.
George: Let me be the architect, I can do it!
% Jerry ignores George and approaches Vanessa.
Jerry: Hey, hey... Pamela's birthday party, didn't I see you there...
Vanessa: Sure! Hi!
Jerry: This is George. ["Grasps" for her name] I'm sorry...
George: Nice to meet you.
Jerry: Ah, Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft.
Vanessa: That's right! What're you doing here?
Jerry: Oh, were meeting a friend of ours for lunch. He works here in the
George: Yeah, Art *Vandelay*.
Vanessa: Really? Which company?
Jerry: I don't know. He's an importer.
George: ...And exporter.
Jerry: He's an importer/exporter.
George: I'm, uh, I'm an architect.
Vanessa: Really. What do you design?
George: Uh, railroads, uh...
Vanessa: I thought engineers do that.
George: They can...
Jerry: Y'know I'm sorry you had to leave so early the other night.
Vanessa: Oh, me too. My cousin had to go back to Boston.
Jerry: Oh, that guy was your *cousin*!
Vanessa: Yeah, and that woman was your--
George: I'll just, uh, get a paper...
Jerry: So, um, do you date immature men?
Vanessa: Almost exclusively...
% I'm next! I'm next!
% After yours truly goes through a reality check, we cut to Jerry's
% apartment where mother and son engage in a friendly game of Scrabble.
% Jerry's Mom sings to herself while she apparently tries to make words
% out of a meaningless string of letters.
Helen: Bum bum bum bum... I have no letters... Bum bum bum bum...
Jerry: Ma, will you go already?
Helen: Bum bum bum bum...
% She picks up a nearby dictionary...
Jerry: What are you doing?!
Helen: Wait, I just want to see something...
Jerry: You can't look in there, we're playing!
% The K-Man cometh...
Morty: Evening, Mr. Kramer!
Kramer: Hey Morty! [To Jerry] Salad dressing?
Helen: "Quo"? Is that a word?
Helen: Will you challenge it?
Jerry: Ma, you can't look up words in the dictionary! Dad, she's cheating!
Kramer: "Quo"? That's not a word.
Helen: [To Jerry] You're such a stickler...
Jerry: Well put *something* down, you're taking twenty minutes on this.
So is Uncle Mac, and Artie, they're all coming over here before the
Helen: They'll be here at two o'clock... Oh, Elaine called. She said
she'd be here at 2:30. Oh, and she says ``Hope your meeting went
well with Art... "Vandelay"?''
Jerry: She said *what*?
Helen: Just what I said, here.
% She hands Jerry the note. He reads it.
Jerry: She knows! Oh, I am *such* a *jackass*...
Helen: She knows what?
Jerry: She knows the whole stupid thing... Vanessa and the elevator...
% The brute secretly offers up a word to Mrs. Seinfeld...
Helen: No, no, no, that won't do. He may have a "Z"...
Morty: So, how did she find out?
Jerry: Because, Vanessa probably told Pamela, and Pamela probably told
% While, they talk, Kramer has covertly scoped Jerry's tiles to confirm
% that Jer doesn't have a "Z". This goes unnoticed by Jerry, who continues
% to talk with his Pop...
Morty: So, what are you? Afraid of her?
Jerry: Yes. *Yes* *I* *am*!
Jerry: What else did she say on the phone?
Helen: Whatever I wrote down.
Jerry: Yeah, but what was the tone in her voice? How did she sound?
Helen: Who am I, Rich Little?
Morty: Well, she can't be too mad-- she's still coming to the wedding.
Jerry: Yeah, but now I'm nervous.
Helen: Oh, stop it.
% She makes her move and tallies the points...
Jerry: "Quone"? No, I'm afraid that I'm going to have to challenge that.
Kramer: No, you don't have to challenge that. That's a word. That's a
Jerry: I am challenging...
Kramer: Quone: to quone something.
Helen: I'm not playing with you anymore...
Morty: Quone's not a word...
Jerry: No good. Sorry. There it is. Get it off...
Helen: Why did you make me put that down?
Kramer: Nah, we need a *medical* dictionary! If a patient gets difficult,
you *quone* him...
% End Act II. Open at Jerry's apartment with a few people mingling about,
% waiting to go to the wedding. Jerry is talking to Carol (I miss the first
% few seconds here. Sorry)
Carol: ...now *there's* a sitcom.
Jerry: You must have quite a time down there. [Checks his watch]
Carol: We got plenty of time...
Jerry: Oh, I'm sorry. I'm just waiting for someone...
Mac: Watch what you say to this guy-- he'll put it in his next act!
Jerry: Yeah, yeah...
Mac: Jerry, did I tell you that I'm writing a book? An autobiography.
Jerry: Yeah, Uncle Mac, you mentioned it...
Mac: It's based on all my experiences!
Jerry: That's perfect. [Elaine enters] Could you excuse me one second.
% Jerry goes over and greets Elaine.
Jerry: How do you do, Jerry Seinfeld.
Elaine: Oh, how do you do. Elaine Benes.
Jerry: Um, do you want to do this now, or do you want to wait until we get
in the car?
Elaine: Oh no, let's do it now.
Jerry: Alright, the whole elevator business, let me just explain--
Artie: Jerry, were you goin' with us?
Jerry: No, I'm gonna take my car.
Artie: That's why I brought the wagon. Why the Hell did I bring the wagon?
Jerry: Anyway, you know why I didn't ask you, I mean I felt so
uncomfortable, and you were *so* annoyed in the cab.
Elaine: Well, Jerry, I never saw you flirt with anyone before. It was
quite the spectacle.
Carol: Jerry, we'll see you there. Bye, Elaine.
Elaine: Oh, bye. Good to see you.
Artie: Oh, we didn't meet.
Jerry: Oh, I'm sorry. Elaine, this is my cousin Artie Levine.
% As in Liveen.
% As in Levyne. He leaves with Carol.
Jerry: Yeah, "Le*vine*". And I'm Jerry Cougar Mellencamp... Anyway, I
admit it was a fairly ridiculous thing to do, but I mean, I mean,
obviously we have a little problem here.
Elaine: Yeah, obviously.
Jerry: I mean, if we're gonna be friends, we gotta be able to talk about
Elaine: Couldn't agree more.
Jerry: Great? Where do you get "great"?
Elaine: It's great to... talk about... other people...
Jerry: Uh-huh... Yeah... So, anybody specific?
Elaine: No. A general guy.
Jerry: Oh *really*... Elaine Marie Benes...
Elaine: What? No, it's not a big deal.
Jerry: No, that's great! That's terrific!
Elaine: No, we just met...
Jerry: Doesn't matter. What's the young man's name? I would like to
Elaine: I don't think so...
Jerry: Well, what does he do? Is he an artisan, a craftsman, a labourer
of some sort?
Elaine: Wall street.
Jerry: Ahh, high finance: bulls... bears... people from Conneticut.
Elaine: And he happens to be pretty good lookin'
Jerry: [pause] Alright, sir.
Elaine: And... he's *hilarious*.
Jerry: Now that's not fair! So where did you meet this guy?
Elaine: I "staked" out his health club.
% This is why I'll never be a writer. To me, this would've been "stook
% out". I'm such a dweeb...
Jerry: When you're on a stakeout, do you find it's better to stand up
against the wall, or kinda crouch down behind a big plant?...
% Closing monologue
Jerry: Y'know I think that even if you've had a relationship with someone,
or let's say, *especially* if you've had a relationship with someone
and you try to become friends afterwards, it's very difficult.
Isn't this? It's hard. Because, you know each other so well, you
know all of each others tricks. It's like two magicians in a relationship, you know each other's tricks.