Transcribed by: The News Guy(Mike)
Corrections will be done by: Dan Coogan
Originally posted on The News Guys(Mike's) site http://www.geocities.com/tnguym
(Permission is given to copy scripts to other sites provided credits as two lines above are included - Thanks)


Cast:
Gina Gallego [ Gina ]
Mimi Lieber [ Rula ]
C.E. Grimes [ Martin ]
Howard Schecter [ Doctor ]
Aimee Aro [ Faithy ]
Peggy Lane O'Rourke [ Nurse ]

Broadcast: 29 Jan 92
Written by: Tom Leopold
Directed by: Tom Cherones

Monologue
The thing I don�t understand about the suicide person is the people who try and commit suicide for some reason they don�t die and that�s it. They stop trying. Why? Why don�t they just keep trying? What has changed? Is their life any better now? No. In fact it�s worse because now they�ve found out one more thing you stink at. Okay, that�s why these people don�t succeed in life to begin with. Because they give up too easy. I saw, pills don�t work, try a rope. Car won�t start in the garage, get a tune up. You know what I mean? There�s nothing more rewarding than reaching a goal you have set for yourself.

[Jerry�s Apartment]

JERRY: Let me ask you a question. If you named a kid Rasputin do you think that would have a negative effect on his life?

ELAINE: Na.

JERRY: What are you doing? We�re going out for dinner in ten minutes.

ELAINE: Do you realize this is the last meal I am going to have for three days?

[buzzer]

JERRY: Yeah.

GEORGE: It�s George.

JERRY: Come on up. . . . I never heard of this. You�ve got to fast for three days to take an ulcer test. How you gonna do that?

ELAINE: I don�t know. How could I possibly have ulcers? Who could have given me ulcers?

JERRY: I think I�ll take out the garbage.

ELAINE: Hey, have you ever fasted?

JERRY: Well, once I didn�t have dinner until, like 9:00 o�clock, that was pretty rough. [exits to hall with garbage � meets George] Hey, do me a favour will ya�? Throw out my garbage for me.

GEORGE: Yeah, right.

JERRY: Come on, it�s just down the hall.

GEORGE: Give me two bucks. I�ll do it for two bucks.

JERRY: I�ll give you 50 cents.

GEORGE: There�s no way I touch that bag for less than two dollars.

JERRY: Come on. Fifty cents.  a piece of Drake�s coffee cake

GEORGE: You�re not getting no Drake�s Coffee Cake for fifty cents. Yae, Hey, I�m all set. I got the ticket. I�m going to the Cayman Islands this Friday.

JERRY: I don�t get you. Who goes on vacation without a job? What do you need a break from getting up at eleven?

GEORGE: It�s an incredible deal. I don�t know why you don�t come with me.

JERRY: Nah, I don�t go for these non-refundable deals. I can�t commit to a woman. I�m not going to commit to an airline.

[Gina enters the hall]

GINA: Hi.

JERRY: Hi.

GINA: How are you?

JERRY: Gina, do you know what a Drake�s Coffee Cake is?

GINA: Of course, the plane cake with the sweet brown crumbs on the top.

JERRY: How much do they cost?

GINA: The junior?

GEORGE: No, no the full size.

JERRY: No, no the junior.

GEORGE: You didn�t say "junior".

GINA: I haven�t had one of those since I was a little girl.

JERRY: Really? You should be ashamed of yourself. I want you out of here! [MARTIN enters the hall] How ya� doing?

MARTIN: Good enough.

[MARTIN leaves with Gina]

JERRY: Boy she�s sexy isn�t she?

[Jerry leaves garbage bag by Kramer�s apartment and knocks on the door. As he and George enter Jerry�s apartment Kramer comes out and takes the garbage bag.]

JERRY: Do you believe that guy?

ELAINE: What guy?

JERRY: My neighbour:

ELAINE: Oh, that creepy guy?

JERRY: Yeah, did he think I was flirting with her?

GEORGE: He didn�t seem too pleased.

ELAINE: Maybe I�ll get a steak with french fried onion wings.

GEORGE: hey, you know what? I just remembered something. I had a dream about that guy last night. This is amazing.

JERRY: What�s so amazing? You�ve seen him before.

GEORGE: I haven�t seen him for months.

JERRY: What was the dream?

GEORGE: I was doing standup comedy in Kennebunkport Maine. ??? night club. The stage was on a cliff and the audience was throwing all the comics off.

JERRY: I think I�ve played there.

GEORGE: I�ve had a lot of other paranormal stuff happen to me.

JERRY: You�re a little paranormal

ELAINE: Hey, George, you know my friend goes to a psychic.

GEORGE: Really?

ELAINE: Uh uh, you should go some time.

GEORGE: I�d love to go. Make an appointment.

JERRY: Psychics, vacations. How about getting a job?

GEORGE: I just got fired.

JERRY: Alright, come on, lets get out of here.

ELAINE: I wonder what Ghandi ate before his fast.

JERRY: I heard he used to polish off a box of Triscuits.

ELAINE: Really?

JERRY: Oh, yeah. Ghandi loved Triscuits.

[They exit]

[Jerry�s apartment late at night there is knocking at the door]

JERRY: Who is it? Who is it?

GINA: It�s Gina.

JERRY: Who?

GINA: Martine�s girl friend.

JERRY: Martine?

GINA: You next door neighbour.

JERRY: Oh, Martin!

[Jerry opens door]

GEORGE: It�s Martine. I think he�s dying. He tried to kill himself with pills.

JERRY: What?

GINA: Come on.

JERRY: In my pajamas? I better get my robe.

GINA: We don�t have enough time.

JERRY: It�ll take two seconds.

GINA: There is no time.

JERRY: We don�t have two seconds?

GINA: All right. Go ahead.

JERRY: Nah, forget it.

GINA: No, go ahead.

JERRY: Nah. I�ll just wear the pajamas.

GINA: Will you just get it.

JERRY: Are you sure?

GINA: Forget it. Come on.

JERRY: Nah, I�ll go get the robe.

[Metropolitan Hospital Center]

JERRY: That�s not too bad. It�s not like a Sunny von Bulow comma. The doctor said he should snap out of it anytime.

GINA: You know why he did this? Because I told him it was over. I did not want to see him anymore.

JERRY: Really? It�s over?

GINA: I could not stand it another minute. Yesterday he turned over a man�s hot dog stand because he thought the man was looking at me. And then after he saw you in the hall. Ach, he was crazy with jealousy.

JERRY: Oh boy, did he say anything about me?

GINA: He does not like you. And all indications are he does not like Drake�s Coffee Cake.

JERRY: He said that?

GINA: He was screaming about it all night. How it�s too sweet and it falls apart when you eat it.

JERRY: I�m sorry if I caused any trouble. I was just being friendly.

GINA: I wasn�t.

JERRY: You weren�t?

GINA: No, I have thought about you many times. Have you thought about me?

JERRY: Of course.

GINA: Tell me everything.

JERRY: Are you sure he can�t hear anything? . . .MARTIN, MARTIN.

GINA: I wish he was not in a coma. I wish he was dead. I wish I could pull the plug out from him.

JERRY: I, would, I would wait on that. I know how you feel but. Juries today, you never know how they�re going to look at a thing like this.

GINA: I saw you looking at your watch. You want to leave? Go ahead.

JERRY: No, I just wanted to see what time it was.

GINA: Are you afraid of him?

JERRY: No.

GINA: Then kiss me.

JERRY: Here?

GINA: Yes, right here.

JERRY: Is this the proper venue?

GINA: You don�t want to?

JERRY: No, no, I want to. I, I very much want to. I, I desire to. I, I pine to.

GINA: Then kiss me right in front of him.

JERRY: I can�t. What if he wakes up?

GINA: A man is lying here unconscious and you�re afraid of him? What kind of a man are you?

JERRY: A man who respects a good comma. If it was one of those in and out comas, maybe. But when a guy�s got a coma going like this � you don�t want to mess with it.

[Jerry�s apartment]

KRAMER: Hey.

JERRY: Hey.

KRAMER: Did you hear about Martin?

JERRY: Yeah, I heard.

KRAMER: I can�t believe he�s in a coma.

KRAMER: He�s got my vacuum cleaner. You know I loaned it to him. He never returned it. The carpets are filthy. What am I going to do?

JERRY: Who told you about Martin?

KRAMER: Newman! He�s good friends with him.

Jx; Oh, big mouth Newman. I should have guessed.

KRAMER: He�s got all of my attachments, you know.

JERRY: Hey, let me ask you something. How long do you have to wait for a guy to come out of a coma before you can ask his ex-girlfriend out?

KRAMER: What, Gina? Why wait? Why not just call Doctor Kavorkian?

JERRY: You know I don�t get that whole suicide machine. There�s no tall buildings where these people live? They can�t wrap their lips around a revolver like a normal person?

KRAMER: So what�s going on between you and Gina?

JERRY: Well, I went with her to the hospital last night.

KRAMER: Uh, uh.

JERRY: So we�re in the room and she�s trying to get me to kiss her right in front of him.

KRAMER: Uh, uh, you see that�s the great thing about Mediterranean women. All right, so what did you do?

JERRY: Nothing.

KRAMER: Ah, what kind of a man are you? The guy is unconscious in a coma and you don�t have the guts to kiss his girlfriend?

JERRY: I didn�t know what the coma etiquette was.

KRAMER: There is no coma etiquette. You see that�s the beauty of the coma, man. It doesn�t matter what you do around it.

JERRY: So you�re saying, his girl, his car, his clothes, it�s all up for grabs. You can just loot the coma victim.

KRAMER: I�d give him 24 hours to get out of it. They can�t get out of it in 24 hours, it�s a land rush.

JERRY: So if the coma victim wakes up in a month, he�s thrilled, he got out of the coma. He goes home, there�s nothing left?

KRAMER: NOTHING LEFT! That�s why I�m trying to get that vacuum cleaner. Because somebody�s going to grab it.

[The psychic�s apartment]

RULA: Martin�s spirit came to you as a warning.

ELAINE: Why would he come to George?

RULA: Because George has heightened extra sensory perception. FAYGY GET YOUR FINGER OUT OF YOUR NOSE.

GEORGE: I knew it. I always felt different.

RULA: You are. Some coffee cake?

GEORGE: Drakes?

RULA: Yes.

GEORGE: Did you buy this for me?

RULA: No, why?

GEORGE: Ha, because I love Drake�s Coffee Cake.

RULA: Maybe I did.

ELAINE: Take it away.

GEORGE: She hasn�t eaten in two days.

RULA: Who�s Pauline?

GEORGE: Pauline? . . . Wait a minute. I got it. My brother once impregnated a woman named Pauline.

RULA: Do you think about her?

GEORGE: When I hear her name mentioned.

RULA: Cut these with your left hand.

GEORGE: There was a woman, Audrey. She had a very big nose.

RULA: I see an Audrey, but with a small nose.

GEORGE: Yes, yes, she had a nose job. I loved her very deeply. Will she ever speak to me again?

RULA: Not in this life.

ELAINE: Should you be smoking?

RULA: Does it bother you?

ELAINE: You�re pregnant.

GEORGE: Elaine.

RULA: I smoked when I had Faisy.

RULA: Ah oh.

GEORGE: Ah oh? What? What Ah oh?

RULA: I don�t know about this trip George.

GEORGE: You can see the Cayman Islands in there? Is something going to happen to me? What?

ELAINE: It�s really bad for the fetus. Do you know that.

GEORGE: Elaine, she�s a psychic. She knows how the kid�s going to be.

GEORGE: Should I not go on this trip?

RULA: George, I am going to tell you something and I want you to really hear me.

ELAINE: Now listen. I just don�t know how a person, with everything we now know about pre-natal care can put a cigarette in her mouth.

GEORGE: Elaine, what are you doing?

ELAINE: It�s disgusting.

RULA: I DON�T BELIVE IT. I would like you both to leave.

ELAINE: Oh fine, I don�t like to be around people who are just so irresponsible.

RULA: Get the hell out.

[Elaine leaving]
GEORGE: A plane crash? A Heart attack? Lupus? Is it Lupus?

RULA: Do you want me to call the super? He was an Israeli commando.

GEORGE: If you don�t say anything I will assume it�s a plane crash.

RULA: Get out.

GEORGE: Not a plane crash. [leaving] Is it a plane crash?

[Jerry�s apartment]

GINA: I do not like your toothbrush. There are no bristles.

JERRY: You can say what you want about me but I�ll be damned if I�m going to stand here while you insult my toothbrush.

GINA: It is too small for someone with such a big mouth [kisses Kerry]. Let me ask you. What will you do if Martine wakes up? Run away like a mouse?

JERRY: No, more like the Three Stooges at the end of every movie.

GINA: Who are these Stooges you speak of?

JERRY: They�re a comedy team.

GINA: Tell me about them. Everything.

JERRY: Well, they�re three kind of funny looking guys and they hit each other a lot.

GINA: You will show me The Stooges?

JERRY: I will show you The Stooges.

GINA: When?

JERRY: Well, I don�t really know where The Stooges are right now but if I locate them you will be the first to know.

GINA: Come, you walk me to a cab.

JERRY: Well, uh, I uh, I don�t want you to get upset or anything but uh, with Martin and all, well maybe it�s not such a good idea for us to be seen together in the building, because, you know, he had a lot of friends here.

GINA: You�re still afraid. You are not a man.

JERRY: Well then what are all those ties and sport jackets doing in my closet?

GINA: Are you going to walk me to a cab or not?

JERRY: Yeah, all right. All right.

[Jerry and Gina meet Kramer and leaving his apartment with Newman]

KRAMER: You should just eat fruit.

NEWMAN: I can�t eat fruit. It makes me incontinent.

KRAMER: ???

NEWMAN: Hello Gina. Hello Jerry.

JERRY: Hello Newman.

[Metropolitan Hospital Center - Hallway]

JERRY: Do you think Newman would tell Martin if he wakes up? What kind of sicko would do that? He could kill me.

GEORGE: People smoke, Elaine. My mother smoked. It didn�t hurt me.

ELAINE: [jumps with fear to Jerry] Did you see that wall move?

JERRY: Boy, it�s a good thing we came.

GEORGE: Could there be a native p0roblem in the Caymans? Maybe there�s native unrest.

ELAINE: Hi, I haven�t eaten in three days. I was wondering how much longer it would be until I get my X-ray.

Nurse: We�ll call you.

JERRY: George, I want you to promise me something. If I�m ever in a comma. In the first 24 hours get everything out of my apartment and put it in storage.

GEORGE: How come?

JERRY: Looters.

ELAINE: How do we know that dog food is any good? Who tastes it?

JERRY: She�s really hungry.

[Kramer enters]

KRAMER: Hey.

ELAINE: Kramer

KRAMER: Well, Newman�s upstairs visiting Martin.

GEORGE: Would you buy my Cayman Island ticket?

KRAMER: You�re not going?

GEORGE: No.

KRAMER: Why not?

GEORGE: The psychic said something terrible will happen.

KRAMER: I dig.

[Metropolitan Hospital Center - Martin�s room]

KRAMER: I want my vacuum cleaner! I know you can hear me. Look my mother, she�s going to come and visit me. She sees that rug, she�s going to kill me.

W: He can�t hear you, you idiot. Why don�t you just buy another one.

KRAMER: Why would I buy another one when I spent a hundred bucks on this one?

W: I have a carpet sweeper you can use.

KRAMER: I don�t want a carpet sweeper. They don�t do anything.

W: It gets my rug clean.

KRAMER: The carpet sweeper is the biggest scam perpetrated on the American public since One Hour Martinizing.

W: Well, you should take a look at my rug then.

KRAMER: I wouldn�t set foot in your house.

[Jerry enters]

JERRY: Hello.

NEWMAN: Hello Jerry.

JERRY: How�s he doing?

KRAMER: He looks happy to me.

NEWMAN: I hope he stays this happy when he wakes up.

JERRY: Why wouldn�t he?

NEWMAN: No reason.

JERRY: He�ll have a lot of catching up to do, I guess.

NEWMAN: I�ll bring him up to date.

JERRY: How up to date?

NEWMAN: Oh, all the way up.

JERRY: And nothing could change your mind?

NEWMAN: Well, it would take a hell of a lot. Because a friend is something you earn.

KRAMER: Okay, Jerry has a friend who has free tickets to the Cayman Islands for this weekend. He�s not going.

NEWMAN: I don�t care much for the beach. I freckle. . . . Is that a,..

JERRY: Drake�s Coffee Cake

NEWMAN: Wow, where did you get that?

JERRY: From my house. I got a whole box of them.

NEWMAN: Boy, that�s the full size.

JERRY: That�s your big boy.

NEWMAN: Can I have a bite?

JERRY: I don�t give out bites. I got another one. But I�m saving it for later.

NEWMAN: Just one bite?

JERRY: I don�t think so. You know they, they�re so fragile.

NEWMAN: All right! All right. I won�t say anything.

JERRY: You swear?

NEWMAN: I swear.

JERRY: On your mother�s life?

NEWMAN: On my mother�s life.

KRAMER: oh oh oh oh oh

NEWMAN: Oooh,

[Metropolitan Hospital Center - Hallway]

ELAINE: And there it was, mountains of duck. And not fatty duck either, but juicy tender breasts of duck.

[George sees the Psychic�s girl, Faisy and follows her into the Psychic�s room]]

GEORGE: �sweetheart, no come here, � sweetheart

RULA: pew, pew, pew, pew (breathing)

GEORGE: how did I know you were here? Something drew me here. This is phenomenal.

RULA: The nurse said she would be right back. They�re supposed to take me into the delivery room.

GEORGE: Oh, that�s great. That�s great. By the way I have to apologize for my friend the other day. Friend? Uh, uh I don�t even know that woman. I met her on the bus on the way over. I couldn�t get rid of her. Uh, My psychic instincts were a little off ..

RULA: Oh, where�s the nurse

GEORGE: I don�t know where the nurse is. Sweetheart why don�t you get a nurse for mommy? � Anyway I was just curious. Remember the other day you were saying something about my trip.

RULA: Don�t take that trip.

GEORGE: Yeah, why? Why?

RULA:  EEEY, beegit, beegit beegit.

[Doctor enters]

Dx: All right, Rula, it�s time to go.

GEORGE: Because? Because?

[Elaine enters Martins room]

ELAINE: Assassins! How dare they keep a person waiting like this! � Drake�s Coffee Cake? � Give me that.

NEWMAN: Jerry, you better stop her or I�ll tell.

JERRY: Elaine! No! No!

MARTIN: Ooooh, ahhhh,

[In hallway as they wheel Rula to give birth]

GEORGE: Are there terrorists on the plane? A hotel fire. Is that it? Malaria? Yellow fever? Lupus? Is it Lupus?

[Martin�s room � Martin grabbing Jerry � Elaine eating the Drake�s Coffee Cake]

NEWMAN: He did it right in this bed, Martin. Right in front of you.

KRAMER: I want my vacuum cleaner!

JERRY: Hey!

NEWMAN: It was disgusting.

[Jerry�s apartment]

JERRY: What are you doing? We�re going out to dinner in ten minutes.

GEORGE: I never assisted in a birth before. It�s really quite disgusting.

JERRY: What did she name the kid?

GEORGE: You wouldn�t believe it. Rasputin.

[Kramer enters]

KRAMER: Heey!

GEORGE: Hey.

JERRY: Hey.

GEORGE: when did you get back?

KRAMER: A couple of hours ago.

GEORGE: So how was it?

KRAMER: George, I would like to thank you for the greatest four days I ever spent in my life.

JERRY: osh.

KRAMER: They were shooting the Sports Illustrated swim suit issue right in the hotel pool.

JERRY: Woah. [hitting George]

KRAMER: Not only that but at the hotel they opened up this area on the beach for nude bathing and all of the Sports Illustrated models went down there.

JERRY: Wow! [hitting George]

KRAMER: I was on the next blanket from Elle McPherson

JERRY: Oh! [hitting George]

KRAMER: We played Backgammon in the nude.

JERRY: Oh! [hitting George]

KRAMER: She�s a sweet kid.

JERRY: Nude backgammon with swimsuit models!

KRAMER: Oh, you know what? The second day I was there I stepped on a jellyfish. Now it kind of stung my foot. That�s probably what Rula was trying to warn you about.

GEORGE: Yeah, you gotta� watch for the jellyfish.

KRAMER: Yeah.

KRAMER: What�s this?

JERRY: Oh, it�s an invitation to a house warming from Martin and Gina.

KRAMER: They moved in together?

JERRY: Yeah, it�s some place down in the village.

KRAMER: Phew.

[buzzer]

JERRY: Yeah.

ELAINE: It�s Elaine.

JERRY: All right we�re coming down.

KRAMER: Hey, where ya� going?

JERRY: We�re taking Elaine to dinner. She�s got to start the fast again. Um, you want to go?

KRAMER: Um, I�d like to but a bunch of us from the islands, we�ll be getting together.

GEORGE: Elle McPherson going to be there?

KRAMER: OH! I got to call her back.

[Kramer exits]

The End