Episode 158 (October 2, 1997)

(Scene: In the Play Now office)

Thomassoulo: George, you�re not really handicapped, are you?

George: I�ve had my difficulties.

Thomassoulo: I saw you running down Amsterdam Avenue lifting that 200 pound motorized cart with one hand.

George: Mr. Thomassoulo during times of great stress, people are capable of super human strength. Have you ever seen the Incredible Hulk, sir?

Thomassoulo: No

George: How about the old Spider Man live action show?

Thomassoulo: George, I�ve realized we�ve signed a one-year contract with you, but at this point I think it�s best that we both go our separate ways.

George: I don�t understand.

Thomassoulo: We don�t like you. We want you to leave.

George: Clearer

(Scene: At Monks Caf�)

Jerry: So you�re staying at Play Now?

George: Why not? Pay is good. I got dental, private access to one of the great handicapped toilets in the city.

Jerry: But they not you aren�t handicapped, aren�t you ashamed?

George: They�re the ones who should be ashamed. They signed me to a one-year contract. As long as I show up for work every day, they have to pay me.

(Elaine walks in)

Elaine: Hey

Jerry & George: (doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o!

George: Hello-o-o-o Elaine!

Elaine: What�s that?

Jerry: Oh, it�s just this stupid thing.

Elaine: Well, I�m sure it�s stupid. It�s not about me, is it?

Jerry: (doing the voice) No-o-o-o.

George: (doing the voice) Not at all.

Elaine: Tell me!

Jerry: All right. You know this girl Clare I am seeing?

Elaine: Yeah.

Jerry: Well, he and I starting joking that when she falls asleep her stomach stays awake all night and talks to me.

Elaine: How is it talking?

Jerry: Well, her belly button is like a mouth. (doing the voice) I�m bored. Talk to me.

Elaine: Oh I gotta start taking these "stupid" warnings more seriously.

(Puddy walks in)

Jerry: Hey, look whose here - Puddy.

Elaine: My Puddy? But we broke up.

Jerry: And yet he continues to live.

(Puddy walks over to the table)

Puddy: Hey Benes, How are you?

Elaine: I�m doing great.

Puddy: Great. (pauses) See ya.

Jerry: Well, that�s it. You two are back together.

Elaine: What?

Jerry: The bump into. The bump into always leads to the backslide.

Elaine: David and I will not be getting back together.

Jerry: Elaine, breaking up is like knocking over a coke machine. You can�t do it in one push, you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.

George: That�s beautiful.

Elaine: What about you? You were even engaged, and you cut it off just like that.

Jerry: That�s different. I didn�t have feelings for those people. But you, you�ll backslide

Elaine: You want to bet?

Jerry: Stakes?

Elaine: 50

Jerry: Dollars?

Elaine: All right. Witness? (looks at George).

George: Witness.

Jerry: Done.

George: Percentage?

Jerry & Elaine: No.

(Scene: At Jerry�s apartment)

Clare: So I�ll call you tonight?

Jerry: Yeah.

Clare: What�s wrong with the belt?

Jerry: I went to the movies last night, I went to the bathroom and I unbuckled a little wobbly and the buckle kind of banged against the side of the urinal. So�(throws away belt) that�s it!

Clare: So, you�re insane?

Jerry: Oh yes, quite.

(Kramer walks in)

Kramer: Hello!

Jerry: Of course it�s a sliding scale.

Clare: Catch you later.

Kramer & Jerry: (doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o! (haha)

Jerry: (doing the voice) La la la.

Kramer: (doing the voice) La la la.

(Kramer is reading the newspaper at the table)

Kramer: Look at this, they are redoing the Cloud Club.

Jerry: Oh, that restaurant on top of the Chrysler building? Yeah, that�s a good idea.

Kramer: Of course it�s a good idea, it�s my idea. I conceived this whole project two years ago.

Jerry: Which part? The renovating the restaurant you don�t own part or spending the two hundred million you don�t have part?

Kramer: You see I come up with these things, I know they�re gold, but nothing happens. You know why?

Jerry: No resources, no skill, no talent, no ability, no brains.

Kramer: (interrupts) No, no�time! It�s all this meaningless time. Laundry, grocery, shopping, coming in here talking to you. Do you have any idea how much time I waste in this apartment?

Jerry: I can ball park it.

(Elaine walks in � how did she come up without the buzzer?)

Elaine: (doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o!

Kramer: Here we go; now she comes in. Now my whole day is shot!

Jerry: Hey, I called you last night, where were you?

Elaine: (looking VERY guilty) I went out with a (fake cough) a friend.

Jerry: George?

Elaine: (looking guiltier) No, no�no.

Jerry: Well, I was here, that�s everyone (laughing).

Elaine: (laughing).

Jerry: Are those the same shoes as yesterday?

Elaine: Oh, you know I wear these shoes all the time.

Jerry: Your hair, it�s somewhat de-poofed.

Elaine: It�s the new look. You know Heroin Cheek?

Jerry: Wait a second, what�s going on here?

Elaine: Nothing, nothing.

Jerry: (screams).

Elaine: (screams).

Jerry: You�re wearing the same clothes as yesterday!!! (pauses) You saw Puddy!

Kramer: Hoochie moochie. (haha)

Jerry: Hand it over. Pay up.

Elaine: No! It�s an isolated, sexual incident. We are not back together!

Jerry: Then what do you call it? People don�t just bump into each other and have sex. This isn�t cinemax.

Elaine: It was no big deal OK? I mean we fooled around, then we went out and grabbed a little dinner.

Jerry: Ah, dinner! That�s it, you�re all the way back!

Elaine: Ugh!

Jerry: Sex, that�s meaningless, I can understand that, but dinner; that�s heavy. That�s like an hour.

Kramer: (still reading the paper) Man, 2.9 percent financing on a Toyota Onedun (Sp?). That was my idea too!

(Scene: At Play Now)

George: Good Morning!

Co-worker: Go to hell!

George: Hi Allison, that�s a nice dress.

Allison: Don�t even look at me.

George: Hey Glenn!

Glenn: Hey, go tell hell!

George: Heard that one already.

(Scene: At Jerry�s apartment)

(Jerry walks in. Kramer is showing his "intern," Darren around)

Kramer: �So that�s the bedroom. Here�s the bathroom. If you need to, you can familiarize yourself with the kitchen�Yeah, go ahead and look through some of the drawers.

Jerry: And you are?

Darren: Oh, hey, I�m Darren. I�m new here.

Kramer: Yeah, that�s Jerry, you don�t have to worry about him. Why don�t you go across the hall and get started on that mail.

Darren: Right!

Kramer: He�s a go getter!

Jerry: Who�s he?

Kramer: My intern from NYU. Well, you remember my corporation, Kramerica Industries.

Jerry: Alright.

Kramer: Well, apparently NYU is very enthusiastic about their students getting some real world corporate experience.

Jerry: But you only provide fantasy world corporate experience.

Kramer: Well, this will really free up my time so I can focus on more important things, like my bladder system.

Jerry: Alright, it�s time to go.

Kramer: Jerry, it�s not for people, it�s for oil tankers.

Jerry: (sarcastically) I know!

(Jerry tries to shove Kramer out the door)

Kramer: You see the idea is for a rubber ball inside the tanker so if it crashes, the oil won�t spill out.

Jerry: Actually, that is not a bad idea.

Kramer: (smiles) yeah.

Jerry: Now, it�s time to go.

(slams door)

(phone rings)

Jerry: Hello

George: (doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o. (He�s sitting on the floor in his Play Now office).

Jerry: (doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o. (pauses) So, what�s going on?

George: Seize montality, (Sp?) Jerry. They really want me out of here. They�ve downgraded me to some sort of a bunker. I�m like Hitler�s last days here.

Jerry: So, are you going to leave?

George: Oh no! I�m vigilant. They�ll never get me out. I�m like a weed, Jerry.

Jerry: I thought you�re like Hitler in the bunker?

George: I�m a weed in Hitler�s bunker.

Jerry: I�m getting a little uncomfortable with the Hitler stuff. (his other line beeps) I�m getting another call, see ya�(answers call) Hello!

Darren: Hi, this is Darren from Kramer�s office. Mr. Kramer would like to schedule a lunch with you at Monk�s coffee shop.

Jerry: (looking shocked) Really? When?

Darren: In 10 minutes. Do you need directions?

Jerry: No, I don�t.

Darren: Well, I�ll call back in 5 minutes to confirm.

Kramer: Yeah, 5.

(Elaine walks in � again, how did she get up without the buzzer?)

Elaine: Hey!

Jerry: Hey! So, where�s my money?

Elaine: No money, I am Puddy free. So, are we eating or what?

Jerry: Oh yeah, hold on.

(Jerry calls Kramer and Darren answers)

Jerry: Hello Darren, this is Jerry from Jerry�s office. (Elaine is looking confused). We�re going to be three for lunch. (Elaine is still looking confused) What do you mean he�s already left?

(Kramer walks in)

Jerry: Hey, Elaine is going to come with us, alright?

Kramer: What? When did this happen?

Jerry: Well, just�

Kramer: (yelling) DARREN!

(Scene: At Elaine�s apartment)

(Sitting on the couch thinking to herself)

Elaine: I am not calling Puddy. What did I do with my gloves? Oh, I bet I left them over at Puddy�s. I should call him. I need those gloves. No, I better not. I�ll call. (looks at table) Oh, look at that! There are the gloves. I was just about to call. There they are. That�s funny. That�s really funny. That�s really really funny. You know who loves funny stories, David Puddy. (Picks up phone).

(Scene: At Monk�s Cafe)

George: Well, Play Now is through playing. They turned the heat way up in my office. They tried to sweat me out.

Jerry: Do you have to write all this stuff down.

Darren: Well, Mr. Kramer is in a meeting with Mr. Lohmase and he didn�t want to miss anything.

Jerry: So, how hot did it get?

George: I don�t know, 120, 130�Then they sent some guys to sandblast for 6 hours. Tomorrow they are putting in asbestos.

Jerry: I guess you can take anything, but actual work.

George: Bring it on!

(Kramer walks in)

George: (doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o Kramer!

Jerry: (doing the voice) Wel-l-l-c-o-m-e!

George: (doing the voice) La la la.

Kramer: Sorry I couldn�t get out of there, what did I miss? (asking his "intern")

Darren: Well, after ordering, Mr. Seinfeld and Mr. Costanza debated on whether or not iron man wore some sort under garment between his skin and his iron suit�

Kramer: Uh huh�

George: (Interrupts) And I still say he�s naked under there!

Jerry: Oh that makes a lot of sense.

George: Oh, shut up!

Darren: �Then Mr. Seinfeld went to the restroom, at which point Mr. Costanza scooped ice out of Mr. Seinfeld�s drink with his bare hands using it to wash up (Jerry is taking a sip of water and looking mad) then Mr. Costanza remarked to me, "This never happened." (Jerry then spits out the water).

(George is looking pissed off)

(Scene: At Jerry�s apartment in his bed)

Jerry: (giggling)

Clare: What�s so funny?

Jerry: Oh, nothing. (still giggling)

Clare: What are you laughing about? Tell me.

Jerry: Oh all right, this is really dumb, really stupid. We�ve been doing this silly, dumb voice.

(Clare storms out of the room mad!)

Clare: So is it fun humiliating me?

Jerry: No, it�s not you. It�s your stomach, he�s taking with this funny, booming, jovial voice. (doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o.

Clare: So you think I�m fat?

Jerry: No it�s�

(Darren walks in)

Darren: Mr. Kramer says, "hey buddy!"

Jerry: Hey, we�re kind of in the middle of something here. Would you mind coming back later?

Darren: Oh yeah sure, sure. Should we set something up now?

Jerry: (Screams) GET OUT!

Clare: I�m leaving too.

Jerry: No body said you�re fat. He�s a loving character, like the Kool-ade guy.

Clare: He is fat!

Jerry: No, he�s just a little bloated.

Clare: Good-bye!

Jerry: It�s mostly water weight.

(Kramer walks in)

Kramer: Boysenberry, the kid is still learning.

(Darren is standing in the hallway on the phone)

Darren: Mr. Kramer�Dean, my internship is on line two, she wants to set up a meeting.

Kramer: Yeah, well nothing before noon.

Jerry: Line two?

Kramer: Yeah, your phone is line one.

Jerry: Oh�

(Scene: At Elaine�s apartment)

Puddy: So the gloves were right by the phone. That is pretty funny.

Elaine: See, this is what Jerry�s doesn�t understand. We can see each other. We can see each other every day, but it doesn�t mean we are back together.

Puddy: I mean I love just seeing you and having sex.

Elaine: Yeah.

Puddy: Not having to do all that�you know�work.

Elaine: Well, either way�

Puddy: All that calling you, and buying you stuff�

Elaine: David�

Puddy: Caring about how everyone at work isn�t as smart as you. It�s brutal.

Elaine: Alright that�s it! We�re back together!

Puddy: Oh, no.

Elaine: Oh, yeah.

Puddy: Look Elaine, be reasonable.

(Elaine kisses Puddy)

Elaine: Get those clothes off. You�re going to spend the night and we�re going to cuddle.

Puddy: What?

Elaine: You heard me. Strip!

(Scene: At Play Now)

(George is walking in the hallway to his office. He sees his office has been boarded up)

George: (whistling)�.(laughing)�.Alright��OK�.

(George goes through air vent � in his office)

George: (on phone � calling secretary) Hello Margery, George Costanza. How are you sweet heart? Listen, can you give Mr. Thomassoulo a message for me? �Yes. If he needs me, tell him (screams) I�M IN MY OFFICE! Thanks.

(Scene: At NYU)

Kramer: Dean Jones, you wanting to talk to me?

Dean Jones: I�ve been reviewing Darren�s internship journal. Doing laundry�

Kramer: �Yeah.

Dean Jones: �Mending chicken wire, hi-tea with a Mr. Newman.

Kramer: I know it sounds pretty glamorous, but it�s business as usual at Kramerica.

Dean Jones: As far as I can tell your entire enterprise is more than a solitary man with a messy apartment which may or may not contain a chicken.

Kramer: And with Darren�s help, we�ll get that chicken.

Dean Jones: I�m sorry, but we can�t allow Darren to continue working with you.

Kramer: Well, I have to say this seems capricious and arbitrary.

Dean Jones: You fly is open.

(Scene: At Jerry�s apartment)

(Jerry & Clare are talking by the doorway)

Jerry: So you�re sure you�re not still angry about last night?

Clare: No, I�m fine. Just as long as you don�t ever do that voice again.

Jerry: Never?

Clare: Never.

Jerry: What about if you�re not around?

Clare: No!

Jerry: So I have to choose between seeing you and doing the voice?

Clare: That�s right.

Jerry: I can do that.

Clare: So what�s your decision?

Jerry: I don�t know.

(At the dock or beach)

(Jerry is thinking to himself � looking quite funny)

(He�s thinking about all the times him and Clare spent together. He�s trying to decide if he likes her more or the voice more)

(Jerry knocks on Clare�s door)

Clare: Jerry�HI.

Jerry: (doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o. La-la-la. (haha)

(Scene: At Jerry�s apartment)

George: You broke up with her? Why?

Jerry: So we could do the voice. (doing the voice) La-la-la. What�s the matter?

George: I think I�m getting tired of it. I mean is that all it does? Hello? La-la-la?

Jerry: No, it can do anything. It can be Spanish. (doing the voice) Hola. Hello-o-o-o.

George: I think I like the girl better than the voice.

Jerry: Really?

(Elaine walks in � how does she keep getting up without that buzzer?!)

Jerry: (doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o.

Elaine: Still?

George: I told you.

Elaine: Alright, here you go, choke on it (hands him money).

Jerry: See, never bet against the backslide. I knew you two would get back together.

Elaine: Yeah, well not for long. I�m breaking up with him.

Jerry: No, I don�t think so. I�ve seen you two together. You make each other miserable. It�s kismet.

Elaine: Double or nothing.

Jerry: Done.

George: (talking from bathroom) Witness?

Jerry: You�re in there again.

George: I think Play Now is putting something in my food.

(Kramer walks in)

Elaine: Alright, I�m out of here.

Jerry: What is this? (Kramer is wearing jeans that look like it doesn�t fit him).

Kramer: I don�t know. I found them in your closet. Ever since Darren left I haven�t been able to find anything. He took all my clothes to some cleaners. I�m clueless. (looks at clock) Is that clock right?

Jerry: Yeah. Nine o�clock.

Kramer: I was supposed to pick up Newman at the zoo twelve hours ago.

Jerry: (doing the voice) Good-bye Kramer.

Kramer: Jerry, buddy, I got to tell you something. That voice is played.

Jerry: Really?

Kramer: So played.

George: I told you.

(Scene: Hallway, Darren is knocking on Kramer�s door)

Kramer: Darren? What are you doing here? The college canceled the internship.

Darren: I don�t care about the internship. I care about Kramerica.

Kramer: Kramerica is no more.

Darren: What about the oil tanker bladder system? We were going to put an end to maritime oil spills.

Kramer: Probably. Darren, you go home. Forget about Kramerica.

(Kramer slams door)

(Kramer opens door)

Kramer: Well, you�re still here?

Darren: I haven�t had time to leave.

Kramer: Well, I haven�t changed my mind.

(Kramer slams door)

(Kramer opens door)

Kramer: Well, you are a tenacious little monkey. Alright, I�ll do it. Kramerica industries lives! Let�s get back to work!

(Kramer slams door)

(Kramer opens door)

Kramer: Let�s see what Jerry has to eat.

(Scene: At Play Now � in the bosses office)

Thomassoulo: You win George. We�ve had it. If you leave right now, Play Now will give you six months pay. That�s half of your entire contract. Please�just go.

George: You see if I stay the whole year, I get it all.

Thomassoulo: Want to play hand ball huh? Fine. (calls on intercom) Attention Play Now employees, George Costanza�s handicapped bathroom is now open on the sixteenth floor to all employees and their families.

George: Well played.

Thomassoulo: I�ll see you in hell Costanza.

(Scene: At Jerry�s apartment)

Jerry: (on the phone with Clare) Clare thanks for giving me a second chance. Our relationship is certainly worth more than some silly, stupid voice. Hold on one second. (George walks in � Jerry asks George) So we definitely don�t want to do the voice anymore? (George shakes his head NO) Alright, we�re back together again, great. Bye bye.

(Scene: Hallway � Kramer & Darren are pushing an oil tank.

Kramer: Hey.

Jerry: Trouble down at the plant?

Kramer: It�s a tank of oil. Darren and I are finally going to test out my bladder system.

George: You have to drink that whole thing?

Kramer: No. No. No. It�s for oil tankers. All I need to do is fill some sort of rubber container with oil and then drop it to see whether or not it can restrain the impact.

Jerry: I understand (not really understanding, lol).

George: Would a giant rubber ball work?

Kramer: Conceivably.

George: Well, Play Now has all kinds of different rubber balls. Why don�t we test your bladder system at my office?

Jerry: You�re not�

George: Oh, yes I am. Mr. Thomassoulo likes to play dirty. Well, there�s nothing dirtier than a giant ball of oil.

(Scene: At Monk�s Cafe)

Puddy: Hey, you want to split a root beer (I think that�s what he says)?

Elaine: I don�t think so David, we�re through.

Puddy: Oh�That�s a nice sweater (Elaine smiles).

(Scene: At Elaine�s house � the two are in bed)

Elaine: Whew that was a dozy.

(Scene: At Jerry�s apartment)

(Elaine throws down money on the table).

Jerry: Go again?

Elaine: Book it.

George: (again from bathroom) Witness.

(Scene: At Elaine�s apartment)

Elaine: David I know this hurts, but it�s the way it has to be (Puddy is giving her a look like he�s going to still get some).

(Scene: At Jerry�s apartment)

(Elaine is placing money on the table one by one)

Jerry: Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha.

(Scene: Jerry and Elaine at the movies)

Elaine: I�m going to get some popcorn.

(Scene: At Jerry�s apartment)

(Elaine hands Jerry money)

Elaine: So, how did it end?

Jerry: They got away.

Elaine: uh.

(Scene: At Elaine�s apartment)

Elaine: Listen David, I�ve got to run. Can you lend me fifty bucks?

(Scene: At Play Now)

(Darren & Kramer are pushing the ball of oil � Jerry walks in)

Jerry: Hey.

Kramer: Did you bring the video camera?

Jerry: Yeah, I put a six hour tape in. That should cover the experiment, the arrest, and most of your trial. Alright, I�ll see ya.

George: Oh, you might want to stick around Jerry. Mr. Thomassoulo picked the wrong man to hire because he was fake handicapped.

Jerry: I can�t. I got to meet Clare.

Kramer: You gave up the voice?

Jerry: Yeah, I thought it was stupid. Unless you guys are liking it again.

Kramer & George: No. No

Jerry: Darren?

Darren: Sorry Mr. Seinfeld.

Jerry: Uh, bathroom.

George: Hey, use mine. I�ll let you in.

Jerry: I thought it was open to the public.

George: I uh, took care of that.

(Both go to the bathroom, which looks really nice)

Jerry: Wow! Zanadu . No wonder you�re putting in so many hours. (looks at urinal) May I?

George: I insist. I�ll fix us a drink. (phone rings � who would that be?) I got it.

(Back to Kramer & Darren in George�s office)

Kramer: Whew. You know Darren, if you would have told me twenty-five years ago that some day I�d be standing here about to solve the worlds energy problems, I would�ve said you�re crazy� Now let�s push this giant ball of oil out the window.

(Back in the bathroom)

George: So, check out my view.

Jerry: Wow! Hey, there�s Clare. I better go down.

George: Hey, there�s Kramer & Darren.

Jerry: There�s the giant ball of oil. Clare�s right underneath that thing. Clare! Hello-o-o-o! Hello-o-o-o! Hello-o-o-o!

Clare: I don�t believe this. I am not looking up if you�re going to do that voice.

Kramer: Bombs away (Uh oh).

Jerry: This is going to be a shame.

(SPLAT!)

George: Hello.

Kramer: Well, that didn�t work. Hey, how about this�ketchup and mustard in the same bottle?

Darren: Oh that sounds interesting sir.

Kramer: Yeah.

(Police sirens � uh oh)

(Scene: At Monk�s Caf�)

Jerry: Clare won her lawsuit against Play Now. Gee, Play Now is filing for bankruptcy. I guess you�re not going in anymore.

George: Yeah.

Jerry: So they�re not paying you your�

George: No.

Jerry: So you�re pretty much�

George: Yeah.

Jerry: What ever happened to Darren?

Kramer: Darren is going away for a long long time.

Jerry: So Clare sure looked real funny covered in oil like that� (doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o I got beamed with a giant ball of oil�

George: (doing the voice) I�m slippery as an eel�

Kramer: (doing the voice) La la la.

Jerry: I�m just so glad it�s back.

(Scene: At Elaine�s apartment in bed with Puddy AGAIN)

Elaine: See, this is good. This is the way it should be. You know why are we fooling ourselves. We belong together.

Puddy: Elaine: I want to break up.

Elaine: Ah nuts!

END!